Ask Erin: Help! I'm Trying Not To Sabotage My Relationship

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hey, Erin!

HELP!! I’m trying so hard not to sabotage my relationship.

Soooo, where to begin? I’m 26 years old, dating a guy who’s 40. Age isn’t the issue, though, just some background info. 

We've been dating for almost three months, and all I can say is I REALLLLLY like him! Like a LOT. 

The problem is social media. 

I constantly find myself going through his Instagram, looking through his followers, and seeing what he’s liking or who he’s been following.

I also doubt him a lot when we’re not together; I’m pretty sure he’s not doing anything behind my back, but I hold on to so many things exes have done to me in the past that I end up projecting my insecurities on him. 

I have to neatly force myself to get off Instagram and stop inventing stories in my head. I don’t know how to just “chill out” and not make a big deal about social media. 

How the heck does one curb jealousy? 

Is it possible to completely eliminate that and just finally be happy??

A.

Jealousy. We’ve all experienced it. Whether we are jealous of what other people have (or what we think they have) that we do not, or we are afraid that we are going to lose something or someone. It’s a terrible feeling. 

Sometimes, jealousy stems from the toxic behavior of someone in your life. It sounds like that was the case with your past relationships. The scars left behind can follow you into new relationships. That’s not your fault. But it’s not your current partner’s fault either. 

Jealousy is rooted in feelings of inadequacy and the fear of losing what we have.

This jealousy is not about your boyfriend. It’s about what’s going on inside of you. There is likely nothing your partner can do or say that will alleviate this. And it seems like you are aware of this. 

You can’t be with him or monitor him 24 hours a day. Trying to do so is going to make you feel worse and worse. Unfortunately, for a lot of folks, social media can distort and amplify these anxieties. Every “Like,” comment, or follow is primed for scrutiny, as a case is built, consciously or unconsciously, proving that those fears are valid. 

Healthy relationships require trust, not dependency. 

For a relationship to work, for love to grow, there has to be trust. People often mistake dependency for love. Jealousy is symptomatic of this sort of codependency. We can be so busy trying to get something from someone, trying to hold on to something we fear losing, that we destroy the very thing we want.  

So what do you do about it? 

Therapy is highly recommended. It’s imperative that you work on that self-esteem and what’s at the root of these insecurities. The most effective way to do this is with a good therapist. There are increasing ways to access therapy. Email me if you need guidance in locating a therapist that fits your budget. 

Another resource worth checking out is SLAA, a 12-step program that focuses on addictive behaviors around sex and relationships. It’s free; there are online, telephone, and IRL (although many are not happening IRL right now b/c of the ‘Rona) meetings around the world and has helped many people I know. 

Unfortunately, for many folks, social media amplifies fears and insecurities. 

While you’re sorting through this, give yourself time-outs as needed from social media. You mentioned that you are already doing this a bit with Instagram. It’s not a long term solution, but scrolling through his Gram can work like a drug. You know no good will come from it, but you can’t stop. 

Communicate with your boyfriend. But don’t come from a place of hostility and resentment. If what you’ve written is accurate—that he hasn’t done anything that would cause insecurity—then it’s unfair to hold him accountable for what happened in your past relationships. BUT, you do need to be honest with him about what you’re struggling with. Trying to conceal it will make it worse. Sometimes, speaking about this stuff out loud alleviates a lot of the discomfort. 

You mentioned your age difference and that you believe that age has nothing to do with it. It’s different for everyone, of course, but adolescence generally lasts into the mid-twenties. So there may be an age factor here. I know that I was still quite emotionally messy in my mid-twenties, and really most of my friends were too. (Before the emails roll in...Yes, I know there are mature 25-year-olds, but they’re the exception, not the rule.) 

Lastly, be kind to yourself. If you do the emotional work, you will get to a place where you can observe what you’re feeling without all the self-judgment attached to it. And that will make it a lot easier to let it go and not let it trip you up. 

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The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Rhodizite, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called STRUNG OUT: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, and it’s on sale now! 

Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

Ask Erin: My Girlfriend Doesn't Trust Me Because Of My Past

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

My girlfriend doesn’t trust me because of my past.

So I slept with a married man. I knew he was married. He kept pursuing me. I kept turning him down. Then one night, I decided to try it out with him. 

That was well over a year ago. Now I’m in a relationship, and my partner does not trust me. 

She says it’s because of the choices I made in the past. But I have not given her any reason not to trust me now. 

Is there something I can do to change how she feels about me?

A.

Trust is essential for a healthy partnership. 

Certainly, trust is earned, but I believe that trust also requires a leap of faith.

Even the ones we know best, the ones who love us, are capable of letting us down, are capable of breaking that trust. That’s where that leap of faith comes in. 

We all come into relationships with lived experiences. Maybe we regret some of them. But what can you do now, other than learn and grow? 

For this relationship to work, your partner is going to have to accept your past because there is nothing you can do to change it. 

I have been in relationships with partners who didn’t trust me, sometimes, often with good reason. And it makes it difficult to have any semblance of a healthy relationship. 

In reverse, I have been the one who couldn’t trust, even when there was no reason for me not to trust. Why? Because I didn’t trust myself. 

When we don’t have self-trust, it makes it near impossible to trust anyone else.

It sounds like this is going on with your partner. Your past makes her nervous. It triggers the underlying fears there that you will hurt her. Particularly when we’ve had past trauma, anything resembling a red flag can set our brains to work, protecting us from getting hurt again. 

Now you’ve asked if there’s something you can do to change how she feels? 

Truthfully, I don’t know. What you can do is ask her. And ask her if there is anything you’re doing now that sets off that trigger. Maybe it’s something she would be willing to address and work on in therapy. 

If she is unable to move beyond your past, I don’t think this relationship will work. I think you’ll find yourself having the same circular arguments over and over. Have an open conversation with her and see if she is willing to move past this.

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Dravite Tourmaline, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called STRUNG OUT: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, and it’s on sale now!  

Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: My Wife Wants A Polyamorous Relationship & I Don’t

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

My wife wants to try a polyamorous relationship, and I don’t.

So my wife and I have been married for three years now we have a two-year-old daughter. Since before we got together, she says she has been thinking about this and had continued to think about it when we started dating and after we got married. 

A while back, I had opened up to her that I feel I might be trans. 

She has been very supportive as I try to figure myself out. She is now comparing her situation with mine. 

I love my wife with all my heart, and I love our family. I just can’t seem to bring myself to be okay with this right now. I told her to give me time to think about it. I’m trying to see the good about it all but also want time to see what the bad could be. 

Thinking about the fact that she would be out having sex with some guy, then coming home to me is not okay with me. 

She goes to school in the mornings, and I work evenings. We don't get to see each other much as is. So when I have a day off, and she's not in a class, I like to be able to spend that time together. I also don't think I'm okay with having our daughter around someone else. 

I mean, I do feel like I'm lacking an emotional connection with her since we are so busy all the time. But I'm trying as hard as I can. I can’t take the possibility of our child lacking any emotional connection with either of her mothers. She tells me every time we talk about it that I'm not supporting her. 

I need advice.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Does My Boyfriend Want A Polyamorous Relationship? 

A.

I get variations of the polyamory question quite frequently. And it’s invariably some version of one partner wanting to open the marriage up to polyamory and one partner wanting to remain monogamous. Neither of you is wrong for what you want out of the relationship. But I think you need to be clear with one another about expectations and boundaries. 

Before opening up your relationship, the two of you need to agree on what that looks like. 

There is a difference between polyamory and an open relationship. While they are both consensual forms of non-monogamy, there is a difference. Generally speaking, an open relationship implies a primary relationship (as in you and your wife) that allows for sex outside of that relationship. Polyamory is usually defined as having more than one romantic relationship at the same time. 

These are two very different scenarios. It’s not entirely clear to me from your email which type of non-monogamy your wife is interested in pursuing. But, it doesn’t sound like you’re ready to take that leap either way. 

What won’t work is you acquiescing to something that feels wrong for you. 

In your email, you mentioned that you wouldn’t be okay with her having sex with some guy and then coming home to you, nor would you be okay with having your daughter introduced to another partner. You have your answer right there; this is not something you want to participate in, at least not today. 

Your wife compared her situation to you grappling with your identity as possibly being trans. While it may be an unfair comparison, it sounds like what she is struggling with is monogamy and perhaps her identity as a wife. At the same time, being supportive of her doesn’t mean you shelve your own very valid feelings. 

Before any changes to the marriage occur, I strongly suggest seeking the guidance of a therapist. Ideally, you would do so individually and as a couple. I think you need the time and space to work out your feelings of possibly being trans as well as what you want and need from your relationship, as well as what you can give. 

While it can be scary to get honest about your needs and boundaries, it is essential for your relationship to survive and thrive.

Neither of you is going to be happy pretending in your relationship. I am hopeful that with honest and open communication, you can arrive in a place of understanding, one that will lead you to take the right next steps, either together or separately. I hope that you can work things out, especially as you have a child together. That said, life is too short to remain in a marriage pretending that you’re okay with an arrangement that is actually making you miserable. If you find yourself at an impasse, honor your feelings. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Pink Tourmaline, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: My Boyfriend Blocked Me On Social Media For Stalking Him

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin, 

I am having some really challenging issues in my love life. 

I have been with this guy for almost two years now. The first year we were in the same city, and the second year he moved to another city for a job which is like a four hour drive. 

Things were going fine until the point when he started making new friends in that city. 

I have to agree I am quite insecure about things in general. He didn't tell me initially that he made friends to avoid any kind of fights, and I found out about this by stalking him on apps like Venmo and Facebook. 

He told his friends about me. To make me feel less insecure, he even put his WhatsApp with me, but since I stalk him a lot, he blocked me on Facebook and Instagram, which bothered me a lot. 

I can't stop stalking him again and again by making fake accounts, using friends’ accounts, and things like that. 

So I think this stalking habit is making things worse for both of us. My boyfriend is someone who is private about things and someone who doesn't like to be told what to do and what not to do. Because of this stalking thing, whenever I see that he posted something or followed someone, I can’t control myself — confronting him about this, asking him about it — which makes things so messy. He ends up being furious about it and shutting me out for days. 

He keeps telling me that he won’t do anything wrong, but he doesn't want me on his social media until he is sure that I don't stalk him. 

All these things really bug me a lot, and I don't know what to do because talking with him doesn't help.

Can you please suggest me something to get over this problem?

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Is My Depression Pushing My Boyfriend Away?

A.

Yours is a question that I get quite frequently. Social media stalking is, unfortunately, a common behavior when someone is not feeling secure in a relationship. 

I have seen this happen many times. Insecurity is present, social media stalking ensues, it pushes your partner away, and the insecurity grows. I know this feels like it’s about your relationship, and it may well be. The thing is whether he has done things to prompt this insecurity, or it’s self-manufactured is irrelevant. 

This is a decidedly unhealthy cycle you’re in, and getting to the bottom of it is imperative for your mental health. 

I strongly suggest seeking the help of a therapist to get a clearer picture of what’s happening here. From what you mentioned in your email, it sounds like you’ve expressed your insecurities, and he has mostly responded/taken actions designed to make you feel at ease. I can understand why your boyfriend is feeling frustrated by your behavior. That said, your gut keeps putting up red flags. 

Your intuition is telling you that something about the relationship is not working for you, even if he has done nothing wrong. 

Maybe a long-distance relationship is just not right for you; maybe he is not right for you. And that’s okay. Neither of you has to be doing anything wrong for the fit to be off. In my experience, if there are continual bumps like this in a relationship, even if they seem irrational or illogical, they are indicative of the relationship just not working. 

As I said, therapy would be so beneficial for you to sort out what is really going on. There are also support groups like CoDA (12-step program aimed at addressing compulsive dysfunctional relationship behaviors). The more you take the focus off of what he is doing and on to what you can control, the better off you will be. It’s not healthy for you or your relationship to waste time and energy stalking him on social media. 

Who would you be without stalking him?

When you feel compelled to start investigating every Venmo transaction or Instagram comment, take a moment, and choose another action. Pick up a book, watch TV, write, go for a walk, meditate. Commit to choosing another activity for 10 minutes. When that 10 minutes is up, commit to another ten minutes and so on. 

Obsessive behaviors like this are often rooted in the ritual of repetition, and we have to make decisions to change those patterns actively. Try that technique for the immediate and, longterm, work to get at the root of all that insecurity. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Malachite (my fave), or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more... xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.