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Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez
We need to have these conversations; nothing will change without them. So it is a good thing that I continue getting these emails. This means that people are much more aware of how they may be inadvertently crossing boundaries (and much more willing to confront it).
Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez
I never intended to hurt her in any way. I truly loved her, always tried to protect her, and thought I was very careful. At the time, I truly believed that what I did would be okay with her.
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Artwork by Tess Emily Rodriguez
Hi Erin,
I'm a 23-year-old female, and a few months ago I decided to start dating. I've been raped before, so I had never had much interest in dating anyone. My best friend at the time set me up on Tinder, and I met this nice girl. We really hit it off, and I had her meet my friends.They liked her and thought she was really nice. I met her friends as well, and it all went pretty well. After we had been talking for a month, I went and stayed the weekend with her.
My last night there we were at her friend's house, and I was smoking marijuana. I got extremely high, the highest I've ever been. She drank a beer, but that was it. Later that night we were back at her place (I don't remember much of what happened between leaving her friend's house), and I woke up, kind of, to her having sex with me.
I didn't think no. I didn't think anything. I was so tired I really didn't pay much attention to what was going on. I definitely didn't reciprocate anything though.
The next morning she apologized to me because she said she felt like she had taken advantage of me. I hadn't even had time to understand what happened, but I told her she had nothing to worry about and it was fine.
I've been raped by two men, but I had never been with a woman and didn't think anything like this would happen. I don't feel raped per se, but I do have a lot of emotions about it that I still haven't been able to figure out.
It makes me so upset to think about, but I'm still not sure why. I don't feel like this counts as rape. It wasn't violent, and she didn't drug me. This feels like one of those grey areas, but is it?
I am so very sorry that you went through this, but I am really glad you wrote in and that you are asking this question.
Rape is nonconsensual sex. The legal definition of rape, as defined by The United States Department of Justice is “Penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.”
This woman did not obtain your consent. Being asleep or too high to give consent does not excuse her.
No, this wasn’t violent, and no, she didn’t drug you, but she engaged in sex with you while you were asleep, and that is a violation.
She knows what she did, or she wouldn't acknowledge it with an apology that downplays what occurred. Addressing that with her is a personal decision and one that should be made with consideration to how safe you feel doing so.
I also want to add that as someone who has been raped in the past, this undoubtedly revives that past trauma. No matter the gender of the person who assaulted you, the feelings that settle in your body and mind are the same. And I speak from experience.
I am not sure if you have accessed any help for your past traumas, but regardless, now would be a good time for some guidance. I urge you to seek the help of a therapist and possibly a support group.
Below are a couple of resources that can direct you to further help. If you have any other questions about where to find help in your area, please email me again.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Dioptase, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
I'm immediately remorseful of the action I've committed whether I was under the influence or not. Artwork by Tess Emily Rodriguez
Hello Erin,
My wife and I have been married for almost ten years.
The other night we drank a lot. While sitting on the couch, she asked me to put on some pornography for us to watch. I found something to put on the TV and then things started getting hot and heavy on the couch.
I don't really remember too much between the couch and the bed, vaguely remember turning off the TV. I came to the bedroom with the light still on, and she was naked on the bed. I got naked too and climbed on top of her and made a really stupid decision to try and have anal sex with her.
Upon entering her, she rears up and asks me what the f*ck I am doing. The realization of what she was saying was like being hit with a bucket of cold water in that she was saying that I was raping her.
I'm immediately remorseful of the action I've committed whether I was under the influence or not.
In high school, she had a rape experience where she was drugged and sexually assaulted against her will.
Is what I did the same thing that happened to her in high school?
I've talked with friends and family, and I can't get through to her, so I think the next best option is therapy for both of us.
What's your opinion and how do you think I should move forward?
Thanks.
I appreciate you writing in to ask this question.
So often we think about consent in terms of people we are getting to know. But the consideration (and nuances) of consent don’t go away in a long-term relationship.
And it’s easy to forget that when you’ve grown to be comfortable with someone. But it is still necessary. Why? Because your spouse is a human being, not a robot.
Something she enjoyed yesterday may not feel right today.
One thing that was not clear to me in your email was whether you stopped what you were doing when she responded the way she did. My read on this as that you did, but are nonetheless aware that you shouldn’t have forged ahead into anal sex in sneaky mode. Assuming you did stop, then no, I don’t think that what you did is the same thing that happened to her in high school. But…
How you establish and communicate consent may look different in a marriage than a new relationship, but it is not any less crucial. A baseline model for consent in a relationship is asking your partner if what you are doing feels good for them AND checking in before a jump forward — do you want to have sex/ anal sex/ oral sex/ etc.
Your instinct to seek couple’s therapy is spot on.
I also encourage you to open up the communication with your wife, when she is ready to do so, to talk about what would make her feel safe again sexually, what acts are strictly off the table, and if you need a safe word to use in the heat of the moment if there are things that she may like but not always be up for.
A note about the intoxicated factor… I have a general opinion when it comes to the fallout caused by alcohol or any mind-altering substances. If you behave ways when drunk/high that have negative consequences or are antithetical to who you are as a person, perhaps it’s time to evaluate your relationship with alcohol or substances. Just putting that out there as proverbial food for thought.
Lastly, some homework for you to get started on right now by educating yourself about consent:
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes.
If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Peridot, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo