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Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez
I am SO ANGRY, mostly because he didn’t have to come over and tell me he’s falling in love with me. I told him from the beginning that I just wanted him to be honest with me. I am confused. Am I overreacting? Did I just get ghosted?
He's obsessed with her. It's really starting to hurt me, and I don't know whether to say something to him or not. Artwork by Tess Emily Rodriguez
This is a bit more complicated than it sounds.
I know — bad move. He only works for a couple of hours a week (less than half a day) as he has another job and this is just extra money, and he's leaving soon so I thought it would be fine.
The problem is that he's been to known to be obsessed/in love with another girl that works there (again, she has another job so only a few hours a week). But she has repeatedly told everyone she is not interested in him like that. As far as I'm aware she's never directly said it to him though.
Being new, I had no idea the level of his interest in her until it was too late and I was already involved. We still see each other outside of work.
He messages her every day, buys her often expensive things all the time, always brings her up in conversation when we're alone together, spends all his time on our nights out next to her, his phone passcode is her birthday, and he swaps his shifts to be on with her.
Am I wrong in thinking this is weird? Am I the only one who thinks the other girl is stringing him along by not being blunt with him?
I know I should call it quits, but do I say something to him about it how he made me feel, or am I just being jealous?
Listen to your gut.
Don’t beat yourself up over dating a co-worker. We have all been there. When you spend time with people all week, even if it’s part-time, it’s natural that some people may find themselves attracted to one another.
You know what the problem is. This is not just an oh, he has unresolved feelings scenario; his behavior is — as you pointed out — obsessive.
Seriously, this is not a healthy person.It is not your job to fix him or to cure him ofthis obsession. It is also not your job to sort out her communication with him.If she hasn’t been direct with him, that’s their problem.Get out of this mucky mess.
As far as what to say to him, be honest and kind. Tell him that you have no interest in dating someone who spends their time talking, thinking, and focusing on someone else. Depending on how receptive he is to hear what you have to say, you can kindly point out that he is fixated on her in an unhealthy way.
That said, you have no obligation to say anything other than, “this is not working for me.”
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Albite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
Am I broken? Should I just give up and start wearing shapeless beige garments to symbolize my sexual death? Artwork by Tess Emily Rodriguez
Hey Erin,
A few years back, after a year of misdiagnoses, I was correctly diagnosed and began treatment for a thyroid disorder.
I was also in a fairly unhealthy relationship that involved codependence with a guy with severe mental health issues and neuroses. Not really his fault, but there were clearly unhealthy patterns, and the sex was infrequent and lousy, and I eventually was so unhappy I couldn't take it anymore.
The thyroid problem caused my body to change significantly (weight gain, thinning hair) and totally screwed with my self-image. I was also trying to get my child, who I raised alone, off to college and the transition was very rocky for both of us.
The guy and I broke up. The kid got off to college and adjusted. My weight stabilized. I started taking online classes to get the college degree I've thought about for decades.
Haven't even tried to date. I know I'm not asexual, but the physical changes from the thyroid issue, a lifetime of anti-depressants, and the fact that I'm very close to 40 have all conspired to erode my sex drive significantly.
I still like sex, I just... don't feel like I could attract a guy that I would want to get sexy with and don't think about it as much. I see a therapist, but they haven't been hugely helpful in aiding my self-confidence.
I feel like there's no one out there for me, I'm past my sell-by date as a woman and maybe as a sexual being, and I don't have time to date between working full time and taking online classes, anyway. But most of my friends are married, and I fantasize about how nice it would be to have a serious relationship.
Should I go back to Ol' Reliable, AKA internet dating?
Should I just keep my head down and get through school, which could take the next six years?
Should I just give up and start wearing shapeless beige garments to symbolize my sexual death?
First of all, LOL at your last question. The answer to which is NO, you don’t need to start wearing shapeless beige garments to symbolize your sexual death!
I get it. You had a rough couple of years, and the celibacy is a reset. After my first husband and I split up, I was celibate by choice for a while. I needed to focus on my kid and getting my life in order. And that’s what I did.
You’ve been recovering from illness, from a breakup and the fallout of a codependent relationship, and transitioning from having the kid at home to the kid going to college. Not to mention that you’ve gone back to school. It’s a lot.
Just because you needed some time to recalibrate doesn’t mean you won’t get your mojo back.
Let’s address the age thing. In the few years since I turned 40, I have remarried, had a second kid, finally finished my degrees, and sold my first book.
I promise.
You are a healthier, stronger, smarter woman than you were just a few years ago. Embrace that. Those qualities are sexy.
Do I think you should try online dating again? Sure. But let it be fun for a bit. Let yourself be in the present and see what happens. Maybe you’ll have sex. Maybe you’ll make a lifelong friend. Maybe you’ll meet a future partner.
You have the friends and social life on lock. I know it can feel lonely not to have that primary romantic relationship, but you are not alone.
And I always liked to remind myself of this…
I am fairly sure you are happier today than you were three years ago. Celebrate that. You are fabulous!
And you don’t have to wear shapeless beige clothing (unless you like beige).
Try online dating, let your friends know you’re open to being set up and continue to enjoy the life you’ve built for yourself.
I believe you are going to be just fine.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional.But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m reading, what I’m watching, Vesuvianite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo