Ask Erin: I Can't Handle The Sexual Dynamics Of My Relationship

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

So I have no idea what's wrong with me. 

I have a girlfriend, and we have a child together. 

I do truly love her and my son with all my heart, but I also feel like it’s not enough. 

I have had a seriously messed up past —  an abusive household and abandonment issues, to say the least. However, my true issues lie in my sexual desires. 

I am insatiable, I am a creature of passion and desire, and my girlfriend is, well, not. I can never get it out of my mind.

Am I a sex addict? Am I polyamorous? 

Why can’t I be happy with someone who cares about me even if the sex isn’t what I’d like? Or is this the relationship dynamic? 

I’m so lost and confused. She doesn’t deserve to be hurt. But does that mean I should just repress or swallow what I want? Any advice is appreciated.

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A.

It’s not uncommon in longterm relationships for one partner to have a higher sex drivethan the other. And there are absolutely ways to address this that can improve your relationship, beyond the bedroom. I don’t think you need to blow up your relationship to be happy here, nor do I think you need to repress your needs. We’ll get to that in a bit. However, I think it’s also essential to address one aspect of this that you brought up.

In your email, you questioned if you might be a sex addict.

Sexually compulsive behavior is prevalent among people who have had a history of abuse or abandonment. 

I am speaking from personal experience on this. Research has linked all sorts of compulsive and addictive behaviors to trauma. And abuse and abandonment lead to attachment issues. Feeling like you are constantly looking for sex may be a way of asserting control over that which felt out of control — secure attachments. I spent years disconnecting through sex. I was never satisfied. I often cheated. And those defense mechanisms to avoid getting hurt, avoid abandonment, hurt many people, especially me. 

I urge you to get some counseling to deal with this past abuse and abandonment. Even if they have nothing to do with your sexual dissatisfaction, there is a high likelihood that the past trauma is informing your behavior in current relationships, romantic and otherwise. Therapy can also help you sort out some of the questions you raised: Is this relationship-specific? Can you work with your partner on a solution? Is polyamory what would work for you, instead of monogamy?

Communication is key in a partnership, especially when it comes to physical intimacy. 

You didn’t mention if you have discussed this with your partner. Maybe she’s feeling unsatisfied, too. At the very least, you need to have a heart to heart about sex. You don’t have to lead with the fact that you’re frustrated. Instead, ask her what you can do to make sex more pleasurable for her.

Another aspect to consider — maybe the kid factor has put a wrench in things temporarily. Kids are draining, physically and emotionally. I know. I have them. We love them, but the energy they zap can make us feel decidedly unsexy. You might need to prioritize or schedule a time when you can reconnect before trying to be sexual. 

Try out some affection without sex as the end game. 

Sometimes, in a longterm relationship, the pressures around sex can make it feel like a chore rather than a pleasure. Take things back to the early days of dating. Allow yourself to get excited about getting excited about her again. And allow her to build that excitement too, and with you. Some ideas: a massage that doesn’t end in sex, taking a walk together and holding hands, making out without it leading to anything more. These sound basic, but they can help you find that spark again. Because even though your sex drive is high, something is amiss between the two of you. That’s not anyone’s fault, but keep an eye toward solutions rather than hoofing it out the door. 

If you find that the two of you are truly in different places with your sex drives or you’re questioning monogamy, please keep that line of communication open. And here’s where a therapist can be of great assistance to the two of you. 

You have a child together, and you love her; this is worth trying to fix. 

However you decide to proceed, please do so with transparency and honesty about what you want, what you need, and what you feel. And make that effort to find out what she wants and needs. You may be surprised at how far a little open communication can take you. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Petalite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly

Ask Erin: I'm Scared I'll Be A Virgin The Rest Of My Life

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Dear Erin,

Like one of your followers who recently wrote you a letter, I’ve just turned 23 in January, and I’m still a virgin, which I believe is completely unacceptable in western society. I’ve tried so f**king hard to find a girlfriend and to no avail. I can’t find one. I don’t think I’m that good looking, even though people say I am. 

It just consumes me, and I can’t stop thinking about it. And I’m tired of thinking about it. 

I’ve tried everything to meet women.

I’ve tried taking classes, signing up for co-ed sports leagues, etc., but as usual, they are always filled with people my parents’ age in these activities — nobody my age. 

I’ve tried online dating as well. That doesn’t work. It always seems women I’m attracted to don’t like me back, and women I don’t find attractive like me. 

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I have no confidence in myself, and I don’t know what else to do. 

I honestly believe I am going to be alone and a virgin for the rest of my life. 

I’m jealous of my siblings, who are in relationships and live together. I don’t know if my standards are too high or what. 

What else can I do?

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A.

I really get your frustration. I know it feels like you are the last virgin standing. But I promise that is not the case. I have many friends — of all genders — who did not lose their virginity and/or have a relationship until they were in their 20s. And although it may feel like you are all alone, you are not. 

People are waiting longer than they did in the previous generation. One in eight people are still virgins at age 26. Beyond the topic of your virginity, it’s important to unpack what’s at the core here. 

This less about sex and more about the desire for intimacy. 

And that intimacy is not just physical, but emotional too. Physical intimacy is much easier to come by, but emotional intimacy is much more rewarding.

You mentioned that you are worried that you are not good-looking enough or that the women you are attracted to are not attracted to you. “Good looks” are completely subjective. Although you’ve not been feeling super confident, I am certain that there are plenty of women out there who will find you attractive. 

You mentioned that you’ve “tried everything” to meet women. I am curious if the classes and co-ed sports leagues you mentioned are genuine interests of yours, or if you tried them with the sole interest of meeting women.

One of the best ways to meet people we might be compatible with is by participating in activities that we naturally gravitate toward. 

For example, if you always wanted to learn how to surf, take surfing lessons. If you love art, take yourself on a gallery tour. If your favorite writer has an upcoming reading, go to that reading. 

The point is that when we relax and do things we like, we are far more likely to attract people, and the bonus is that we will likely have shared interests with them. Plus, you will take the focus off of meeting someone and put the emphasis on enjoying your life. 

Picking activities that make you happy will naturally boost your confidence. That boost in confidence will make a world of difference in how you feel around women and how you come across. 

Whether or not your standards are too high, I do not know. You’ll need to figure out if you are dismissing possible dates for superficial reasons or if you know what you want and need in a potential partner. But I do know this…

Being a virgin and lacking relationship experience does not mean that something is wrong with you. 

You are so young. You have a lifetime ahead of you, one in which you will likely have plenty of dating experiences. I don’t believe you will be alone forever. Lastly, I want you to work on being kind to yourself. Finding some meditation practice would be beneficial. And speaking with a therapist  — about your distress over the situation and feelings of jealousy toward your siblings — could really help, too. Maybe it’s as simple as letting yourself spend an afternoon doing what you love — hiking, reading, napping, or whatever it may be.

Go easy on yourself. It will happen. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Tinaksite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

This article first appeared on Ravishly.