She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
Q.
Hi Erin,
I just read one of your stories, and I really need some advice. I’m three years sober, and I am now separated from my husband. It’s been eight months, and we are at the turning point.
We either try to work it out, or maybe I’m one of the stories in the book that the marriage can’t make it through my sobriety.
He says I spend all my life with AA and my friends. He smokes pot, he’s a mean person, and we have totally different personalities. I’ve grown so much, but he doesn’t think he needs to change anything.
The problem is that I still love him. My sponsor, all of my friends, and everyone says I just need to let it go and go through with the divorce. But my heart is aching as I write this.
I don’t know if it’s still a character defect that I want to hang onto him. I’m 52 years old, and we’ve already been through a lot. We used to do drugs together. Fifteen years ago, we quit drugs, and then we both started drinking together. He quit when I quit, but he has a medical marijuana card. He just does not understand.
He thinks that I’m letting my sponsor and my AA come before him or our marriage.
We were supposed to go to counseling, but then it turns into a fight before it’s time to go. His last text to me on Friday was that he was done letting my sponsor come first and for me to go on with my life. Do you have any advice for me? I greatly appreciate it. I am at a loss. We’ve been together for 15 years, and I don’t know if we’re beyond repair.
A.
There is a reason that many relationships don’t work after one partner gets sober. And that’s no one’s fault.
You’ve shifted the dynamics, and your new, more lucid behavior doesn’t fit with the old dysfunctional relationship patterns you two had established.
No, I don’t know all the specifics of your relationship. Still, I know from experience that most, if not all, relationships that exist when one or both people are in active addiction are unhealthy. For 15 years, you established a relationship system that worked on some level, but it’s no longer working for either of you. That is clear.
You can’t control his behavior. And I know that you know that. No amount of love is going to fix what you succinctly pointed out—”we have totally different personalities.” You’ve grown, and he no longer fits. The partner you needed and wanted 15 years ago is not the partner you need or want now.
The most challenging part here is letting go of what you hoped your relationship would be, rather than facing that it’s time to let go of what once was.
Even if you were to reconcile, you’d be building something new because what existed before is broken. It had to be for your drinking and drug use to continue.
While you both may love each other and wish that it could work, it sounds like there is acknowledgment on both ends that this isn’t working. I think you need to let him go for now. Allow him his journey and continue on yours, one that you’ve already started. Prolonging this with therapy right now is going to frustrate you both.
If you were to get back together, for it to work, it would need to come after time and space and spiritual, emotional growth for both of you. I think you know all this; it’s why you wrote to me.
Letting go is hard, but staying stuck here is far more painful.
Give yourself the gift and opportunity to love yourself, to surround yourself with people who make you feel good about the path you are on. You won’t be alone. You have an entire community of support. Your heart may ache, but you will come out the other side of this stronger, healthier, and, ultimately, happier.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Eucryptite, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.
Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called STRUNG OUT: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, and it’s on sale now!
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