CW: rape
She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
Q.
Hi Erin,
I had a girlfriend back in the day. We were really open with each other. We had great sex and explored as much as we could sexually. Everything felt right between us. I want to mention so that you will get the vibe, we always slept naked and touched each other during the day without asking for permission, and we were both totally fine with that.
One night we went to bed and had sex. After, she fell asleep, but I still wasn’t satisfied, and I wanted to have sex with her. I don’t really remember if we had talked about it before or not, but I decided it would be okay if I masturbated on her while she was sleeping.
I ended up taking it even further and had sex with her while she was fully asleep. I never intended to hurt her in any way. I truly loved her, always tried to protect her, and thought I was very careful.
At the time, I truly believed that what I did would be okay with her.
Anyhow, I did what I did. Immediately afterward, I felt so much guilt. I wasn’t able to sleep that night. When I did it, it felt normal, like there was nothing wrong with it. But then, I don’t know, it changed, and I felt so much guilt.
I decided I had to tell her everything.
So when she woke up, I did. She said she was really okay with it. She asked me if I enjoyed it and said she didn’t care if I did it again.
But now, two years later, we are no longer in a relationship, and I still think about it.
I continue to feel guilt and blame myself.
Am I a rapist?
I’m really confused.
Thank you in advance for your answer.
A.
I get questions like this all the time from people (usually cishet men) who, in the wake of conversations sparked by the Me Too movement, are reevaluating their past behavior. And that’s a good thing. That’s a productive thing.
Reflection is how we shift cultural behaviors that have harmed people.
So, I am happy that you are considering this now. In your case, there are two main points I want to address here—consent in general and consent within relationships.
When it comes to sex, consent, in its simplest terms, is agreeing to participate in sexual activity. Active consent is ongoing, sober, voluntary, and affirmative. I always urge people, especially young people, to have consent be a continuing conversation. Agreeing to do something once is not an agreement in perpetuity.
Within any relationship that is sexual, whether it’s casual or committed, whether it’s monogamous or not, clear communication about consent is crucial. While your girlfriend said she was okay with what you did and gave your permission to do it again, you didn’t have consent beforehand. No matter how free you had been with each other, you hadn’t established boundaries on sex while one of you was sleeping. Giving each other permission to touch each other freely while you are awake is different than giving someone permission to have sex with you while you are asleep. Yes, some people consent to this, people who like being woken up to sex. But that is something that should be established beforehand.
You feel guilty about this because asking for consent after you’ve done it is not real consent; it’s a confession.
You are seemingly lucky in that she said she was okay with it. BUT, many women say they are okay with things because it minimizes the trauma of things being done to their bodies. You know that on some level. That’s why this still bothers you two years later.
Do I think you should be punished and continue feeling bad about yourself forever? No. What I want is for you to acknowledge what you learned from this. Again, you did learn something; that’s why it still weighs on you.
You have an opportunity now, moving forward, to practice active consent in your relationships.
This means that you regularly discuss sexual boundaries with your partner. Don’t do anything that you have to ask permission to do retroactively. Check in, often, about what your partner likes, if they still like things they did before. The sexiest part of consent is that you make sure you do things that make each other feel good. Having this clarity will prevent any future problems where you could very well harm someone, even if you didn’t intend to do so. Ultimately, that moment of fulfilling your desire when you don’t have explicit consent is not worth the potential repercussions.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Wavellite, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.
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