Ask Erin: I Don't Know How To Be Honest In My Open Relationship

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hello Erin, 

My partner and I of seven years had a trial run of an open relationship, so to speak. I slept with one person during that time, and I asked them before sleeping with them if they had tested themselves for STIs and HIV. They said they did, and the results were negative. We slept together once. Six months later, I went in for a random STD test, and it turns out I have chlamydia. 

How do I tell my long term partner that I got chlamydia from sleeping with someone in this open relationship? 

I took antibiotics and gave my partner the antibiotics as well, claiming I had a yeast infection instead of an STD and that my doctor said my partner needed treatment as well for this “yeast infection.” They believed me. 

Now I’m stuck in this hole of guilt. I want to tell my partner that it wasn’t a yeast infection but chlamydia. We are both STD free now, but I still want to tell them. 

I’m afraid that they’ll break up with me or see me as a disgusting person. 

I don’t want seven years to go down the drain. I know I should’ve told them when I was first diagnosed, but I was so afraid of what could happen. 

Thanks

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: My Wife Wants A Polyamorous Relationship & I Don’t

 

A.

Well, my first thought is that I am confused. You both agreed to try out an open relationship. What is not clear is what “rules’ or boundaries you had both established. Were you allowed to have sex with others? Did you agree to tell each other, or did you agree to keep it private? There are all sorts of arrangements people make in that broad concept of an open relationship. 

An open relationship only works when everyone is in agreement about what that means, what the boundaries area, and then commits to them. 

Since you are asking this question, I’m going to guess that you didn’t adhere to whatever agreements you’d initially set forth. So what to do now? 

I hold no judgment over decisions people make about the truth in regards to their relationship. Sometimes that desire, to tell the truth, is more about alleviating one’s guilt, than doing the right thing. But when it comes to physical health like this, I think you have no choice but to tell your partner. 

You owe it to them. 

They deserve to have that information, because it affects not only whatever commitments you’ve made to each other, but also their physical health. 

You cannot control their reaction. They might be mad or hurt. They might look at you differently. But in my experience, the trust is already damaged there; they just don’t know it yet. If you don’t tell them, your anxiety about it is likely to continue to eat at you and affect your relationship. 

I also need to remind you here that whatever type of sex you’re having, in whatever context, PLEASE use protection. 

A person telling you, “yeah, I’ve been tested; I’m fine” is not practicing safe sex. The outcome could be a whole lot worse than chlamydia. 

Your best course of action here is just telling the truth. As someone who ran from telling the truth for a long time, I can tell you that your anticipation of the truth being out there is a million times scarier than actually telling it. Hopefully, the two of you can use this as an opportunity to have an honest dialogue about what you watch want moving forward. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Albite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This article first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: My Wife Wants A Polyamorous Relationship & I Don’t

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

My wife wants to try a polyamorous relationship, and I don’t.

So my wife and I have been married for three years now we have a two-year-old daughter. Since before we got together, she says she has been thinking about this and had continued to think about it when we started dating and after we got married. 

A while back, I had opened up to her that I feel I might be trans. 

She has been very supportive as I try to figure myself out. She is now comparing her situation with mine. 

I love my wife with all my heart, and I love our family. I just can’t seem to bring myself to be okay with this right now. I told her to give me time to think about it. I’m trying to see the good about it all but also want time to see what the bad could be. 

Thinking about the fact that she would be out having sex with some guy, then coming home to me is not okay with me. 

She goes to school in the mornings, and I work evenings. We don't get to see each other much as is. So when I have a day off, and she's not in a class, I like to be able to spend that time together. I also don't think I'm okay with having our daughter around someone else. 

I mean, I do feel like I'm lacking an emotional connection with her since we are so busy all the time. But I'm trying as hard as I can. I can’t take the possibility of our child lacking any emotional connection with either of her mothers. She tells me every time we talk about it that I'm not supporting her. 

I need advice.

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A.

I get variations of the polyamory question quite frequently. And it’s invariably some version of one partner wanting to open the marriage up to polyamory and one partner wanting to remain monogamous. Neither of you is wrong for what you want out of the relationship. But I think you need to be clear with one another about expectations and boundaries. 

Before opening up your relationship, the two of you need to agree on what that looks like. 

There is a difference between polyamory and an open relationship. While they are both consensual forms of non-monogamy, there is a difference. Generally speaking, an open relationship implies a primary relationship (as in you and your wife) that allows for sex outside of that relationship. Polyamory is usually defined as having more than one romantic relationship at the same time. 

These are two very different scenarios. It’s not entirely clear to me from your email which type of non-monogamy your wife is interested in pursuing. But, it doesn’t sound like you’re ready to take that leap either way. 

What won’t work is you acquiescing to something that feels wrong for you. 

In your email, you mentioned that you wouldn’t be okay with her having sex with some guy and then coming home to you, nor would you be okay with having your daughter introduced to another partner. You have your answer right there; this is not something you want to participate in, at least not today. 

Your wife compared her situation to you grappling with your identity as possibly being trans. While it may be an unfair comparison, it sounds like what she is struggling with is monogamy and perhaps her identity as a wife. At the same time, being supportive of her doesn’t mean you shelve your own very valid feelings. 

Before any changes to the marriage occur, I strongly suggest seeking the guidance of a therapist. Ideally, you would do so individually and as a couple. I think you need the time and space to work out your feelings of possibly being trans as well as what you want and need from your relationship, as well as what you can give. 

While it can be scary to get honest about your needs and boundaries, it is essential for your relationship to survive and thrive.

Neither of you is going to be happy pretending in your relationship. I am hopeful that with honest and open communication, you can arrive in a place of understanding, one that will lead you to take the right next steps, either together or separately. I hope that you can work things out, especially as you have a child together. That said, life is too short to remain in a marriage pretending that you’re okay with an arrangement that is actually making you miserable. If you find yourself at an impasse, honor your feelings. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Pink Tourmaline, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: My Girlfriend Wants A Threesome And I Don’t

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Dear Erin,

My girlfriend that I have been with for almost two years is talking about having a threesome with another girl. 

I honestly don’t want to do it. I respect her desire to want it but I don’t, and I have made it clear that I don’t want a threesome with another girl or guy. I just want her and me. She wants to spice up our sex life by having a threesome with another girl. 

She has come to accept that. She understands that I don’t want that type of sexual activity, but I feel like she might try to do something with another girl behind my back or maybe just have a threesome with two other people. 

Should I continue this relationship or just come to an end? 

I love her very much, but I’m not willing to go that far. It’s too much stress for me; I’m too much of a jealous person, so I don’t know what to do. 

What do you think? 

Thank you.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Does My Boyfriend Want A Polyamorous Relationship? 

A.

I get this question a lot, or some variation of this question. 

Threesomes, open relationships, swinging, polyamory — all of these variations that exist outside of the standard monogamous relationship — are valid explorations for a couple, IF both parties want to explore. 

That is is the crucial part. 

There is nothing wrong with you for not wanting a threesome, nor is there anything wrong with her for wanting to try one. 

Maybe you’re just not right for each other in the long-term. I know that can be a hard thing to confront, but it’s not the end of the world. You have both expressed what you want, and those wants don’t match up. 

What you need to do is have an open conversation to discern if her desire to spice things up is mutable — meaning, would either of you be open to trying out other things — role play, some kink, etc. Putting variety in your sex life is not a bad thing, and it doesn’t have to involve a third party. 

Ask her to be honest with you about what it is she really wants. If it’s about exploring threesomes and/or having sex with a woman, that is a different scenario.

Again, there’s nothing wrong with her wanting those things, just as there is nothing wrong with you not wanting them.

You may find that you would be happier in a relationship with someone who wants the same things as she may too. What I don’t want you to do is end things without clarifying what is she wants — spice or another person in the bedroom. 

The key here is open, honest, and clear communication, and that starts with being honest with yourself. 

I have a feeling that you and your partner will be able to sort this out and come to a mutual decision about what’s going to be best for each of you.

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, Merlinite, parenting, sex, consent,what I’m watching, what else I’m watching, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo