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Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez
My boyfriend said he’s questioning his sexuality… He’s broken up with me at this point… He still says he’s attracted to me and ultimately wants me in his life. He says he still sees a future, but we’re still broken up… Where do I go from here? Am I kidding myself into thinking it’s salvageable, or is my relationship DOA?”
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*Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez
“He kept me a secret… her clothes were still at his place… she was still texting him and telling him she loved him. Instead of ignoring her, he texted her back… In the end, I lost my temper… We have now split up, and he says it’s because of my rage AND my need always to be right… Was I right to leave this situation, or has he got a point?”
Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez
She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
Q.
Hi Erin,
I'd been in a relationship for six months. My boyfriend and I spent a lot of time together when we first met. He was so attentive to me. But as the months passed, I noticed his attention was more so other places.
He spends a lot of time on social media, and I got curious. One day I decided to look at what he was doing.
This is not the first time I discovered something like this. Two months into our relationship, I looked through his phone, and I saw something that upset me. I admitted to him. He made excuses. At the time, I brushed it off because I came to the conclusion that we had just met, and maybe those were old affairs.
But at six months in, I saw that he had never stopped. I broke up with him that day and walked away, and I have not been in touch since.
The problem is that I feel miserable. I miss him so bad some days, and then other days I get through without a problem. I wanted to come back to him right after we broke up, but I realized my worth.
I believe that if he cared the way he said he does, then he would never have continued sexting other women still after I confronted him about it the first time.
I want him back, but he would have to come clean and be honest with me about everything. Then I think, at my age, I know that that's probably not going to happen. So I'm using my no contact time to get over the breakup versus waiting for him to come back.
Do you think I did the right thing? Should I reach out to him?
Breakups are hard, even when it was your decision, even when you know it was the right choice. Although you wrote this email, asking for my opinion, asking if I thought you’d done the right thing, you know the answer.
He showed you who he is, twice. You don’t want to be in a committed relationship with someone who, well, is not committed. Perhaps your ex would be better off in an open relationship, which is fine. What’s not okay is not disclosing this to you, his girlfriend.
Understandably, you feel miserable. You’re mourning the loss of a relationship and reconciling your feelings for someone who wasn’t who you thought he was.
The most important ingredient for healing is time, which can be frustrating. But the discomfort will lessen, and one day you won’t feel it at all.
I always think therapy is a good idea when we’re going through stress or loss or grief or trauma. Seeing a therapist could help you navigate through this ending.
You should not reach out to him. Not now. If you decide one day that you’d like a friendship with him, sure, reach out. I do think exes can be friends. But that can’t happen until you are through the heartache. And I want you to remember what you said in your email—I realized my worth. That prevented you from reaching out to him. Make a note in your phone, write it on a Post-It and stick it on your bathroom mirror or next to your bed or in your car.
That’s okay. Many of us, myself included, have been there. We fall for who we want people to be rather than who they are. Whenever you have the urge to reach out, remember that he doesn’t exist and, most importantly…
Remember your worth.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Tinkasite, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.
Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called STRUNG OUT: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, and it’s on sale now!
Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO
Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez
Hi Erin!
Last year I got into a murky affair with a man I work with who's significantly older than me and has kids and a partner he only lives with because they have a five-year-old together. He told me he and his partner hate each other. However, he's having trouble separating from her because even though they're not married, she still legally has a chance at full custody of the child (and apparently she's not the compromising, negotiating kind).
Even though he told me they hadn't been together for years, and they were doing everything they could to separate, it still felt murky to me. It still felt like cheating.
Anyway, for the first few months, I had constant doubts and often ended things, but then kept going back. He was always pursuing me, so it was easy to go back. But then a few months ago, I developed feelings for him (don't judge; I had my reasons for seeing him before then, too), and it felt like the moment I opened up to him, he closed off. He stopped replying to my texts, and when I asked him for an explanation, he told me his life was in chaos, and he was negotiating with lawyers all the time to escape his horrible situation.
It felt like he needed space, so I gave him space. Since I'd never told him about my new feelings for him, when the school year started (we're teacher colleagues), I decided to tell him then in a short conversation and see where that went. I was ready to let go if he said he didn't. To make matters worse, they promoted him to be my boss.
Anyway, I told him, and his response was not what I expected. He told me he wanted to get to know me, and he kissed me. Then he went back to work, and I didn't get a text from him for three weeks.
After three weeks, he took me aside at work to apologize and told me his life was in just too much chaos, and he couldn't take on a relationship with anyone at the moment. I told him, “no problem; I get it.” I did get it, and I really felt I could move on.
Unfortunately, a few weeks after this, I was in his office one time, and he tried to kiss me. No explanation, just like that. I didn't let him, but it was also obvious on my part that I wanted to. After this happened, and still no texts, no asking if I was free sometime outside of work, I wrote him an email. I told him I really did have feelings for him and cared about him, and if he felt the same, then I'd like him to share more about his life. I'd like to know about what he's going through. I'd even like to help. But if he doesn't, then please don't kiss me. I sent the letter two weeks ago, and no response.
He told me at work he'd respond verbally, but I am not willing to hunt him down to get a response out of him.
Even though I have done everything I could—he knows how I feel, and evidently, he doesn't feel the same—I still can't stop feeling sad about how a year ago he would text me every day, offer me a ride every day after work, pursue me constantly. Now he just treats me like any other colleague.
I know I should just move on, but I don't know how.
The heart of your problem is in the last sentence of your email. You know you need to move on, but you don’t know how.
But, there are things you can do to hasten the process.
First, continually remind yourself of what you’re losing. The answer? Not a whole lot. Here’s a guy who is, at best, in the throes of a chaotic separation, one that is taking a whole lot longer than it should. What’s more likely is that he has not given you the truth, and he was outright cheating on his wife and lying to you about the status of their relationship.
His behavior smacks of someone addicted to drama, addicted to the chase, addicted to wanting what he shouldn’t want or can’t have. I say this as someone who, when I was younger, behaved like this guy. I cheated, I pulled people toward me and pushed them away. I was kind of a nightmare. And he is too.
You deserve to be with an honest person, who is not continually pushing you away and pulling you back, over and over again.
Although this question was sent in relatively recently, no matter where you are in the world, you are likely practicing social distancing because of the coronavirus and not physically in a workspace with him. If he texts you, put an end to it. Use this social distance to distance yourself emotionally. Focus on what you would like in a partner. I think you will find that your list includes someone available, someone who is not ghosting you and then pulling you in to then repeat the cycle. When we are back out in the world together, I think you will find that by letting go of him and this toxic situation, you can leave the door open for someone to enter your life who is available.
Lastly, it would be helpful to process some of this with a therapist. It’s always a good idea to look at why we found ourselves attracted to unhealthy situations so that we don’t repeat the pattern.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Sardonyx, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.
Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called STRUNG OUT: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, and it’s on sale now!
Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO
*This column first appeared on Ravishly
Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez
She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
Hello Erin,
I was recently dating a girl for three months. Things were going really well, and we had fallen for each other after two months.
I met her friends and family — parents, brother (and his wife and kids) for lunch. They liked me, and it all went very well. We went for overnight trips, and I was invited to Christmas at her parents.
In mid-November, she told me she had an incurable STD. She was not taking any medications and had not told me upfront about it to practice safe sex. When she told me, I was supportive, and we went to some STD counseling to see how to keep myself safe. After the counseling, I got the symptoms and I was diagnosed with the same STD.
Two days after my diagnosis, she broke things off with me. Then she ghosted me — basically ignored me and told me to figure my life out by myself.
It’s been more than six months. I confronted her multiple times, just to be shut down. I think I should confront her parents about this. She is 34 years old, educated, and has a good job. How could she do this?
What shall I do? I really like her.
You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: How Do I Have Safer Sex With A Partner Who Has Herpes?
I understand how this would be very upsetting. As you said, it was a double whammy with the STD diagnosis followed by a breakup and ghosting.
It’s wrong that she did not. She took away your decision-making process around how you practiced safe sex. And safe sex can be practiced when one partner is STI+.
Do not confront her parents. What’s your motivation there? She is 34 years old. Are you hoping to shame her or get her “in trouble” with her parents? That’s not productive. And it certainly will NOT drive her back into your arms.
Should she have been direct in communicating with you about her STD and the breakup? YES. Look at this way: she has shown you how she handles herself when a problem comes up. She avoids. This is not a quality you want in a romantic partner. Trust me on this. I was an avoider. And I was an awful girlfriend in my avoidance years.
It has been over six months. You need to let go of that past and look forward. And I suggest that before you start dating again, you get some counseling, to deal with these unresolved feelings and to better prepare yourself with communication in your next relationship.
Educate yourself so you can better educate future partners. Planned Parenthood put together this handy video on how to handle this…
You will be able to get over this last relationship and move forward. Why wait? She is not worth you waiting around, stewing, or plotting ill-advised revenge. Let that sh*t go.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Heliodor, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
This column first appeared on Ravishly.