Ask Erin: I'm Newly Sober—Will I Ever Feel Normal Again?

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin, 

How did you start feeling normal again after you stopped using heroin? How long did it take?

I am 28 years old and have been sober for almost four months. I went to rehab for four weeks and did outpatient for another four weeks. This was for opiate addiction, mostly pills, but I had started doing heroin because it was easier to get. 

Looking back, I think I had a problem even before I started with pills. In my early 20s, I did a lot of drinking and cocaine. Anyway, I was feeling sort of okay when I left rehab, but it’s even getting harder and harder because I thought I would feel more normal by now. 

I know it doesn’t happen overnight, but I feel so uncomfortable all the time. There is no relief. 

I don’t know how much more I can take. I feel like at some point I am going to snap. 

I know you have shared a lot about what you went through, which I really appreciate. When did it get better? What do I do right now to make it less excruciating? 

I am already going to AA and NA meetings. I see a therapist every other week. I hate my job, and I’m living with my sister. I am grateful she gave me a place to regroup and get back on my feet, but I also feel like she is just waiting for me to fuck up. BLAH. I am rambling, I guess. 

I am just looking for some hope. 

A.

First, congratulations on making it through rehab and staying sober as long as you have. It is NOT easy. The great thing about rehab is it gives you some time and space to learn how to stand again, without the pressures of the outside world. When you’re out of rehab, dealing with people and work or school, and now a pandemic, things get more challenging.

I remember so clearly that I was worried I would never feel normal again. I didn’t even know what normal was. The problems at the heart of my addiction had been there for as long as I remember, even before the drugs came into the picture.

When normal has meant being high, drunk, strung out, you have to reinvent what normal will be, not what it was.

In my 15 years of struggling with addiction, normal meant turning to heroin to regulate my emotions, to dampen my feelings. Normal was not feeling uncomfortable, alone, in pain without numbing it. In those years, during my brief periods of sobriety in between relapses, I felt like an alien who couldn’t breathe the air here on Earth. I wanted to exit, always. 

That dampening, numbing, exiting—it stopped working. I had to find a new normal. I had to, or I was going to die. 

I wanted normal to mean being able to function, to exist in my body without wanting to jump out of my skin. I wanted normal to mean that I could stay. 

It didn’t happen overnight, or in a month, or a year. But it got exponentially easier with each passing week. 

Recovery is a process. When I surrendered to the process, accepted that I felt abnormal, and trusted that the discomfort would pass, things clicked for me. If you stick with it, continue on this path, I know this will pass for you, too. 

It’s been over 17 years since I last used heroin; I promise you, it does get easier. 

You’re doing a fantastic job. Stay the course with meetings and therapy (which I know are online right now). Don’t be afraid if you need more support than that or different support than that. For me, I required additional mental health care (medication), and I needed to set myself on a path of deepening my spiritual life. Allow yourself the time and space to discover what else you might need. 

As for your sister, try not to focus on what you think her expectations or judgments are. You can’t control what she thinks or expects, and it’s not your job to guess. Chances are your perceptions are colored by the thoughts you have about yourself. Unless she has given you a reason to believe otherwise, trust that she has you living with her because she loves you and believes in your recovery. When we don’t know the truth, it can be easy to slip into assuming the worst. Give yourself the gift, and you may have to practice by repeating this to yourself, of assuming the best right now. 

Lastly, I want to address that this question came in just before the whole world shut down because of the COVID-19 pandemic. 

Even with 17 years of recovery, these days are not easy. 

I feel shaky. I’m not in the place anymore where I feel like I want to use, but I have been struggling with all of the feelings that used to make using a compulsion. I know how hard it must be to be in early sobriety right now. Please stay connected in any way you can with your support systems. Attend online meetings and therapy appointments, check-in with your friends daily via text, video chats, and phone calls. Create a schedule for yourself that includes taking care of your mental health. Look for an outlet for those feelings—playing music, singing, dancing, writing, drawing, anything that may help you to funnel your emotions. 

You are not alone. I say this to you and to anyone else who may feel alone, who may be struggling, I am here. 

I see you. DM me, email me. We can do this. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Magnetite, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called STRUNG OUT: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, and it’s on sale now! 

Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: I'm Ashamed I'm An Addict

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

I need to help myself. I don’t know if you will read this, but inside I’m screaming for someone to hear me. 

I’m really ashamed to say that I am an addict—I don’t think I have ever said that before. 

It all started a few years ago. I had extreme nerve pain that kept reoccurring, and we couldn’t figure out why. I was finally given oxycodone because the pain was so bad. It was a relief to not be in pain, but it also gave me emotional relief. I was in an unhappy marriage with a toddler at home, and my mom was dying of cancer. I am ashamed to say that at the end of my mom’s life, I stole pain meds from her. 

I have been struggling to stay well enough physically and emotionally to take care of my kid. My husband left me in the middle of all this. He has literally disappeared from my life. I am a single mom. I have some support from my dad and stepmom, but I feel so alone. And I am admitting here I am also an addict. 

I wish I could wake up in the morning and be free of this addiction. 

What am I going to do?

I guess just writing this helps. I wanted to write in just so someone might hear me, might help me. 

Thank you. 

A.

I understand the shame you’re feeling all too well. I spent 15 years struggling with heroin addiction, trapped in a cycle of repeated relapse, primarily driven by shame. It can be easy to forget your humanity when you’re struggling with addiction. I want to remind you of who you are underneath the drugs. You are not your addiction. 

Addiction is not a moral failing. You are a human being struggling with a very human condition. 

That you’re struggling with this does not make you a bad person. You are in need of help. You writing to me, sharing this with me, is a significant first step. That’s why you felt some relief just in writing that email. 

Is there a person you trust in your life who you could go to with this information, someone who may be able to be of support to you? Maybe your dad and stepmom, or a friend? I ask this because I know that when I got through the fear of letting anyone see what was really going on, it allowed me to lessen that massive load of shame I’d been carrying, allowed me to be seen a little bit, and made me feel like maybe, just maybe, I wasn’t all alone in this. 

I know what the loneliness of hiding in addiction feels like. Even if you don’t feel like there is anyone in your world you can turn to, you did reach out to me. I am here; there will be others here for you, too. 

You are not alone; you don’t have to go through this alone. 

Reaching out for help is going to get you on your way to getting help and lessen the burden of loneliness and shame. And you do need help. This is a health issue. The first thing to address is the physical addiction. There are several ways to approach this. I do think the best option is some sort of inpatient program where you can detox and have a safe place to process during the acute phase of withdrawal. 

I know as a parent, especially a single parent, that can sound daunting to leave for days or weeks. You did mention your dad and stepmom are involved. If they could step in, it would well be worth it. As a mom, you want to give yourself the best chance at recovery. As you said, staying physically and emotionally well enough to parent has been a struggle. 

Making recovery a priority is essential to your ability to parent. 

That said, if, for some reason, an inpatient program is an impossibility, there are other options such as medication-assisted treatment (MAT), 12-step program meetings such as AA or NA — which are free and widely available (even online), and SMART recovery. 

There is no one-size-fits-all solution, but the options mentioned above have helped many people. Whatever you decide, aftercare is essential. Perhaps even more important than what to do in the immediate is planning for the long-term. 

Recovery includes more than just removing the drugs; it’s about rebuilding your life, a new one. 

I want to talk to you about grief, which is why that aftercare is so essential. You’ve experienced a lot of loss in recent years. You lost your mother. You lost a spouse. You have transitioned to single parenting. And, you’ve lost yourself along the way. 

But you’re still here. I believe in you.

I know there will be moments for you when this feels impossible, when this feels like it won’t get better, when it may feel worse without the drugs. Everything won’t be magically fixed overnight, but I can promise you this… 

It will get better. It will get easier. You can find yourself again. 

I never imagined that I’d be free from drugs, free from the loneliness and shame, free from the self-loathing, but I am. I believe you will be, too.

Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you need some guidance on finding help in your area. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Golden Topaz, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.

Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called STRUNG OUT: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, and it’s on sale now!

Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: Gambling Addiction Is Destroying My Family

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hello Erin, 

I would like advice on my situation. 

I am going to start by saying that I’m in a relationship I don’t truly want to be in. 

I have been with my partner for the past four years, and during that time, we have had twins, and then a year later, another baby, so I stay at home with my three younger daughters. I also have an older daughter in school. 

My partner, from the moment I became pregnant with our twins, won a lot of money at a casino. From there, he constantly started to go to the casino and lost all of it. Plus, during this time racked up tons of debt — we are talking close to $50,000 worth. He has a good job, but most of his income now goes to debt. 

He keeps promising to get better and then relapses — and continually lies to me about it. 

Then he acts like he does nothing wrong, and my reactions are mistreating him. 

Every time I try to be nice, he uses it as a way for us to go out and inevitably go to a casino. If I’m mad, he goes to a casino. 

He’s very disconnected and hardly treats me with respect. It's like my worth is not equal to his. I feel like he views me as trapped with him, unable to leave due to having to stay at home and not making enough money working as a transcriptionist to make my own money to support us. When I do tell him I’m going to leave, he threatens to take me to court and get full custody of our kids. I have no support from my family because they are all very traditional, and most of them have stayed in relationships way worse than mine. 

I just feel defeated. I have no voice with him, no clear communication, and I know if I leave, it’ll be years from now when I can get on my feet. 

I used to feel confident, pretty, and smart before I met him — really before the gambling — and now I feel empty and like I don’t matter. 

I would like advice that can empower me to be happy and know what to do in this situation. It’s tiring, especially since our twins are delayed due to being born early, and I have so much on my plate. 

Thank you. 

A.

I am so very sorry that you’re going through this with your partner. It sounds like things have been spiraling out of control for a while. I can understand how alone you must feel. 

Gambling addiction, like any other addiction, is a mental health issue. 

Your partner needs help. I don’t know if you’ve had this discussion or if he is open to some professional help, but it is as serious as any other addiction. And you know that. The financial and emotional destruction has been significant. I am wondering if your partner has gone to any 12-step meetings or looked into treatment. 

The lying, the relapses, the projecting, and the threats are all actions of a person who is not well. While understanding this doesn’t make it any easier on you, I want you to remember the person who is underneath the addiction. Also…

None of this is a reflection of your worth. 

And you certainly don’t need to stay stuck in this spiral. 

First, check out Al-Anon or similar support groups. While 12-step programs aren’t necessarily the end-all answer for everyone, they are a great place to start, are free, and provide you with a community of support. I know you have young kids. Some meetings have childcare, and there are online meetings as well. If you are at all able to budget for therapy (some therapists so sliding-scale), I think it would be so beneficial for you right now. 

You are pretty clear that this is not the relationship you want to be in, and who could blame you? Maybe there is a path to creating something new if/when your partner is in recovery from his addiction, but in the meantime, I agree this is a bad situation for you and your children.  

I know leaving feels overwhelming; you have so much on your plate. Start by making a plan. 

Look for any way you can begin to stash away a little savings here and there. If your family is unsupportive, perhaps there is a close friend you can turn to, to give you some emotional support. Although it may feel impossible to leave, you can take back that control and make it happen, with some time and planning and reaching out for help. 

Lastly, as for his threat — the likelihood of him being able to take you to court and win custody of those kids is pretty slim. Second, he will be financially responsible for contributing to your kids (and possibly to you via alimony, which is dependent on the length of relationship or marriage and where you live). 

I know you have been feeling defeated. Take that control back with getting support, making a plan, on trusting that you can do this. If you need any further help with some resources in your area, don’t hesitate to reach out again. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Rainforest Jasper, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.

Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: How Do I Tell My Sister That Her Husband Relapsed?

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

I'm fairly certain my brother-in-law relapsed on heroin, and I don't know what to tell my sister. 

My sister was a late bloomer; she lived with our parents until she was 27 and she's almost willfully naive. She met her husband on a dating app and moved in with him after knowing him for two weeks, quitting her job and leaving behind substantial debt for my parents to pay off. 

My brother-in-law had just gotten out of a court-mandated treatment program when they met. They've been together two years and have two kids with the third one on the way. 

There are a lot of red flags in this relationship, but mostly the one that sticks out is that my brother-in-law goes to concerts and raves sometimes states away for days at a time and always comes back either flat broke or with wads of cash. This makes me think he's either moving or selling on top of using. 

After these raves, a lot of pictures pop up on Instagram and Snapchat of him looking high. He's been open on social media about using kratom and buying Suboxone and Narcan to misuse it. 

On the face of things, my sister's life looks very charmed, and Pinterest-Perfect and my parents and other siblings adore her husband for finally "bringing her out of her shell." 

But there are children involved at this point, and I don't know how to tell her I'm concerned. 

I've had my own issues with recovery and have been sober for ten years, and I'm pretty sure of what I'm seeing. 

A.

You are right to be concerned. 

In my experience, whenever I’ve had the gut feeling that someone was using, 99% of the time that gut feeling was correct. 

I want to address a couple of things in your email. Kratom and Suboxone are often used by people as a means of staving off opiate withdrawal. That said, they can also be abused. Narcan (or Naloxone) is an antagonist, commonly used to reverse an overdose. It could be that he has Narcan because he is using and/or around people who are using. 

The fact that he disappears for days at a time when he has two kids and one on the way is concerning, even without the drugs. And I agree; there seem to be plenty of red flags here. 

So what can you do? 

You have to put aside your feelings about the denial that your sister and parents are in. You have no control over what they believe or what they are capable of confronting. 

But you need to tell them what you’re observing. Set up a time to speak with your sister privately. 

Tell your sister what your concerns are by laying out the facts. 

The facts are he is disappearing for days on end, returning with missing money or wads of cash, and has drugs on him that are used to stave off opiate withdrawal and reverse opiate overdose. Remind her that you are on her side, that you love her, and you will be there to support her. Remind her that she needs to set aside the discomfort of confronting thisbecause she has two (almost three) kids to think about. 

Please do this without adding in opinion or judgment. It will be a lot easier for her to hear if you stick to the facts. You also need to let your parents know what you’ve observed. 

When it comes to addiction, I believe in transparency. 

This is why I think it is important to let your parents, grandparents to those kids, know what the facts are as well. As with your sister, don’t add in judgments and opinions. 

I think it is highly unlikely that you are wrong about your assessment here, based on what you’ve said in your email. As I said, they may not be able to accept the truth in front of them.

Once you’ve had these conversations with them, you can set boundaries for yourself so that you are not in situations with someone who is actively using and denying it. If they can confront things, you can be there to assist in a family intervention. 

As you are already in recovery, you may be aware of Al-Anon. I always recommend this as a good place to start for loved ones of people who have substance abuse issues. Really, it’s a valuable program for learning how to set boundaries in general. However, I always like to add the caveat that there is a difference between setting boundaries and ostracizing people through outdated versions of "tough love." 

Remember, you have no control over the actions or reactions of any of your family members, but you can and should say something and then set boundaries accordingly. 

And, as always, remember that your brother-in-law is a human, struggling with a human condition. Lead with compassion. 

 The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Golden Yellow Topaz, or anything at all, use the contact form or email askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: How Do I Handle My Husband's Addiction?

***In honor of my addiction memoir, Strung Out: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, hitting bookshelves on 2/25, all month I'll be tackling questions that deal with addiction.***

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin. 

My husband smokes rocks—cocaine. 

He doesn't have a full-time job, but whenever he gets some work, he uses the money on drugs instead of seeing to the kids. He'll steal stuff at the house, tires off of the car, batteries, inverters, cash from me, etc. 

How do I handle this? Should I just stay out of his life for a while? 

His mother has come to try and help, but she's also at her wit's end. I'm getting boils under my arm; I'm so stressed out. I'm also afraid of catching STDs because of his wandering eye after taking drugs. 

He is so emotionless, unsympathetic, and only shows a bit of love and compassion after he smokes.

You Might Also Like: As A Mom In Recovery From Heroin Addiction, Here’s Why Sesame Street’s New Character Matters

A.

I am so very sorry that you’re going through this. It is devastating to watch people we love self-destruct. 

Your husband is sick. His addiction is a health issue, not a moral one. 

Underneath the drugs and behavior is the human. And that can be very hard to see when someone is acting out in horrible ways because of their addiction. 

I want to say something about "tough love." I don’t believe in cutting someone off who is sick, who needs help. And often, old models of tough love have kept people trapped in cycles of shame. We can reject this idea of withholding love and instead focus on healthy boundaries.

As someone who has been on both sides of this situation, I always come from a place of compassion for everyone involved, even the person struggling with addiction. But you can be compassionate and still set boundaries. Boundaries are doubly important for the sake of your children. 

So what does that look like? How do you set boundaries with compassion? 

You have kids at home. He can’t live there while he is actively using drugs. Since he has been stealing, he shouldn’t have a set of keys, either. He can see the kids, but not when he is high. You and his mother should be on the same page with these boundaries.

All of this said, leave the door open when and if he should want help, whether that means you or his mom. Let him know he is loved, that he deserves more than the life carved out by his addiction. I know for myself when I was at my lowest, I didn’t feel I deserve to live. I carried so much shame. I am fairly certain he is struggling with those feelings, too, as most in active addiction do. 

Now, you need some help, too. 

Going through this with him is traumatic. If you can, please get the help of a therapist. Confide in a friend or two you trust. And it’s worth looking in to support groups such as Al-Anon. Allow yourself multiple avenues of support. And, depending on the age of your kids, they may need some outside support as well. 

You will get through this. You can’t control or change his behavior. You can only change yours. Lead with empathy and draw the line where you need to draw it to protect your kids.

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Maori Greenstone, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Rethinking "Tough Love"

Earlier this week, I wrote something for Salon about rethinking “tough love” when it comes to addiction. There has been a huge, largely positive response.

These earlier models of tough love keep those struggling locked in a cycle of shame. And that shame becomes a gatekeeper that prevents people from reaching out for help. That shame kills people. It nearly killed me.

You can read the rest of the article on Salon: We need to rethink "tough love" as a response to addiction.

I’d love to hear what you think!

XOXO

If someone uses drugs, does that mean they don't deserve our compassion?

Image: Getty Images via HuffPost

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a piece for HuffPost about the ways in which we treat people who are struggling with addiction while experiencing homelessness. A bit of what I said:

If someone uses drugs, does that mean they don’t deserve our compassion? Much like the narratives of what makes a good “victim,” people are so quick to delineate the “good homeless” from the ones who deserve to be there. But no one deserves to be there. We all deserve shelter, food and compassion, without any conditions attached.

In the U.S., there are approximately 20 million people with a substance use disorder. With an estimated half-million people experiencing homelessness, many of whom have addiction issues, that means more than 19.5 million people struggling with substance use have homes. Yet when the person using drugs or drinking is homeless, we look down on them more, heaping extra stigma on a gravely marginalized group for suffering from mental health issues.

The article sparked a lot of debate online. As a rule, I don’t reply to comments, but I see them. Although there are many people who cannot see outside of their own experience, who are stunted in the empathy department, by and large the sentiment struck a chord with most folks. I received so many messages and emails and only one of them was nasty. The rest were thoughtful and reaffirmed why I write about the stuff I write about.

You can read the article in its entirety HERE.

XOXO

Ask Erin: My Husband Is In Recovery, But I Can't Move Forward

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

I’ve been with my husband for 16 years. We have three children. 

He became addicted to cocaine and prescription medication about three years ago when I was pregnant. 

The problem escalated, and we separated at the start of the year for five months. He went to rehab and has now been in recovery for three months. 

The problem is I feel terrible. I'm so down. I find it hard to forgive him for everything he's put me through. 

I never thought he'd do this to me, and I'm struggling with my feelings and how to move forward. 

I'm proud he's in recovery and that my kids now have a sober dad. But I'm so hurt at everything that has lead up to now. 

I don't know how to move past this.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Will I Lose My Fiance To Rehab?

A.

Being a partner to a person struggling with addiction is challenging, to say the least. I know. I have been the one in rehab, and I’ve been the partner of the one in rehab. It can be stressful and painful for both partners. 

It is understandable that you feel hurt and don’t know how to move past this. 

In my experience, the relationships we have when drinking or using are not healthy, and the unhealthy behavior usually comes from both parties. That may be hard to see from where you stand, but every relationship I had while using drugs depended on my partner’s codependency or other unhealthy relationship behaviors. 

Neither of you knows how to operate in this new dynamic, but you can learn to do so. Going back to what you had isn’t a real option. The relationship you had was broken. 

If you move forward together, your relationship will be an entirely new thing, built on a much healthier foundation. 

And I do think it is worth trying to build something new. You have three kids together. And, no matter what the outcome is, you will need to co-parent peacefully. 

Right now, your husband’s priority should be his sobriety. And your priority should be getting help for yourself. At the very least, you need some way to process what has happened and separate your relationship from his behavior. 

I always think therapy is a good idea. For now, you should each be seeing a therapist separately. Later, I would highly recommend a marriage counselor so that you can take the work you’ve done individually and figure out a path forward together with the help of a neutral third-party. 

Before you make decisions about your marriage, you need to sort out what you feel, what you want, and who you are, as an individual, separate from your partner. 

It’s hard to do that inside our brains, all alone. A therapist is there as a guide to help us figure out things we already know but are clouded by trauma, heartbreak, and, well, life. 

Now, I understand that therapy is not always an option for everyone, for a few reasons, but usually financial. Another way to get yourself some help is through a 12-step program such as Al-Anon or CoDA. Both of these programs can offer a lot of support for anyone struggling within a relationship, but especially for those with a partner who has substance use problems. 

This is not going to be figured out overnight, but I promise it won’t feel this painful and confusing forever. 

Focus on yourself — your wants and needs. Make some time for self-care, even in microdoses, which is often how it is when you have kids (I know!). And stay open to getting to know who both you and your partner are now, as you walk the walk in recovery. You might surprise yourself with what you learn about each other. 

Lastly, recovery is a process, and there are no guarantees that he won’t relapse again. This is why I want to emphasize again how helpful a 12-step program of your own (or other types of support groups, even online) will be for navigating this journey. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Gaspeite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: I'm Addicted To My Boyfriend

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

I think I have an addiction to my boyfriend. 

I don’t know what happened to me. I m not at all able to live without seeing him or being without him. I feel totally alone when I’m not with him. 

I have forsaken all my friends and mates, though he never told me to do so. It’s been seven or eight months. 

He loves me, but sometimes he just treats me like an option when I’m around him. He seems to care about me less. He seems too busy and in his own world. I have done a lot for him, and I’m trying my best to do all it takes to make this relationship work. But it feels like it’s all in vain. I’m just tired of having this same feeling time and again. 

I want to move on, but like a drug, I’m not able to live without him. 

As a matter of fact, I have expressed my feelings and how it kills me when he ignores me. He apologizes, but he repeats the same mistake again and again. 

I’m so f*cked up. Please help me.

You Might Also Like: 6 Ways Falling In Love Is Exactly Like Drug Addiction

A.

The good news is that you are aware that there is a problem. That’s a huge first step. And you’re correct in your assessment. 



We can become addicted to people, and those relationships are always unhealthy. 

I know because I have been in them, on both sides. 

What you’re feeling is not love; it’s an obsession. In popular culture, there is a proliferation of messaging that makes us think that love makes us sick, and it's normalized. But is being lovesick akin to true love? I don’t think it is. The relationships I had when I felt lovesick were invariably toxic, and to be clear I was usually the toxic one. 

I want you to hear this: Love can’t live in this type of relationship.

A relationship that is making you this miserable is not sustainable. And regardless of what happens with this relationship, you’ll need to address the issues here, because it’s a pattern that is likely to repeat.  

My old pattern was passion, followed by fear, followed by sabotage. And self-sabotaging behavior can take many forms, like what you’re doing now. You’ve admittedly isolated yourself, you are in a pattern of not getting what you want from your boyfriend (putting aside that what you want may not be reasonable; I don’t know), and you recognize that you need help. 

You must get some help. So where do you begin? First, seeking the help of a therapist would be ideal. It took a lot for me to undo years of my own destructive behaviors. 

I am certain that the underlying problem did not begin in this relationship; this relationship reactivated something for you. 

In addition to or in place of therapy, there are two 12-step programs I think would help. The first is Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. This program has helped SO MANY people I know. They have meetings around the world, it’s free, and you’ll find a support network of peers who are struggling with similar issues. Another program worth looking into is CoDA (Co-Dependents Anonymous) which, like S.L.A.A.,  is also a 12-step program that has meetings worldwide. 

As I said, that you recognize you need help is enormous. Now it’s time to do something about this. You don’t have to continue on in this relationship feeling this way. You can take actions to help yourself. Because this has little to do with your boyfriend individually, and everything to do with what’s going on with you emotionally. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Amazonite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Will I Lose My Fiance To Rehab?

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

---

Q.

Erin,

My fiancé has been in inpatient rehab for close to a week. 

Everything with us was normal, then last night I get told that it’s not a good idea for me to go and see my fiancé during visitation — when that’s what we planned and wanted to do. 

I know she needs this. I’m supportive, and she says she loves me and wants a healthy relationship with us, but I just feel like I’m going to lose her. I feel like she’s not going to want me anymore after all this. 

I do support her, and I know things change, but how can you say you love someone but then not want them? 

What can I do to support her? What can I do for us to have a healthy, better, successful life and future marriage?

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Should I Lighten Up About My Partner’s Drug And Alcohol Use? 

A.

Okay, you might not like what I’m going to say. I understand why they (either the treatment facility or your fiancé or both) are asking you to step back right now.

Right now, more than anything, your fiancé needs the time and space to process her addiction and focus on recovery. 

You didn’t mention the circumstances around what landed her in inpatient rehab, but it indicates that she is dealing with a serious, and life-threatening problem. And I believe that you need to take it that seriously. Addiction is life-threatening. Dealing with it should be her priority, before anything else — including you. If she doesn’t make it a priority, your relationship will likely not survive anyhow. 

I also want to to make you aware of something I have learned over the years — both as a person who has needed rehab and the partner of a person who has needed rehab….

The relationships we have when drinking or using are not healthy, and both people in that relationship contribute to unhealthy behavior. This is not to put any blame on you for her addiction. This is to say that when we are involved with people who are in that state of dysfunction, we have to look at our own dysfunction. 

Every relationship I had while using depended on my partner’s codependency. 

So something you can do, right now, is to get some help for yourself.This could look like trying out an Al-Anon o rCoDA meeting or seeking the help of a therapist.Keep the focus on yourself, not on her or where she is in her recovery. Your fiancé told you she wants a healthy relationship. Take her at her word.Give her the room to recover.

You asked how she could say she loves you but then not want you. She didn’t say she didn’t want you. She said she needed space. 

What she has asked for is healthy and necessary. 

I can’t tell you that you won’t lose her. In some ways you will — you will lose the her that was loaded. But you stand to gain someone capable of a healthy relationship. And that someone is not just her, it’s you too. 

You have to let go of the relationship you had before to create a new healthier model today. I know it’s scary, and you want to hold on, but remember what you’d be holding on to. The future of your relationship depends on both of you putting your recovery first. Because yes, you will be recovering too, in your own way. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Kammererite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at  askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

How Do I Tell My Sister That Her Husband Relapsed?

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

---

Q.

I'm fairly certain my brother-in-law relapsed on heroin, and I don't know what to tell my sister. 

My sister was a late bloomer; she lived with our parents until she was 27 and she's almost willfully naive. She met her husband on a dating app and moved in with him after knowing him for two weeks, quitting her job and leaving behind substantial debt for my parents to pay off. 

My brother-in-law had just gotten out of a court-mandated treatment program when they met. They've been together two years and have two kids with the third one on the way. 

There are a lot of red flags in this relationship, but mostly the one that sticks out is that my brother-in-law goes to concerts and raves sometimes states away for days at a time and always comes back either flat broke or with wads of cash. This makes me think he's either moving or selling on top of using. 

After these raves, a lot of pictures pop up on Instagram and Snapchat of him looking high. He's been open on social media about using kratom and buying Suboxone and Narcan to misuse it. 

On the face of things, my sister's life looks very charmed, and Pinterest-Perfect and my parents and other siblings adore her husband for finally "bringing her out of her shell." 

But there are children involved at this point, and I don't know how to tell her I'm concerned. 

I've had my own issues with recovery and have been sober for ten years, and I'm pretty sure of what I'm seeing. 

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Should I Lighten Up About My Partner’s Drug And Alcohol Use? 

A.

You are right to be concerned. 

In my experience, whenever I’ve had the gut feeling that someone was using, 99% of the time that gut feeling was correct. 

I want to address a couple of things in your email. Kratom and Suboxone are often used by people as a means of staving off opiate withdrawal. That said, they can also be abused.Narcan (or Naloxone) is an antagonist, commonly used to reverse an overdose. It could be that he has Narcan because he is using and/or around people who are using. 

The fact that he disappears for days at a time when he has two kids and one on the way is concerning, even without the drugs. And I agree; there seem to be plenty of red flags here.

So what can you do? 

You have to put aside your feelings about the denial that your sister and parents are in. You have no control over what they believe or what they are capable of confronting. 

But you need to tell them what you’re observing. Set up a time to speak with your sister privately. 

Tell your sister what your concerns are by laying out the facts. 

The facts are he is disappearing for days on end, returning with missing money or wads of cash, and has drugs on him that are used to stave off opiate withdrawal and reverse opiate overdose. Remind her that you are on her side, that you love her, and you will be there to support her. Remind her that she needs to set aside the discomfort of confronting this because she has two (almost three) kids to think about. 

Please do this without adding in opinion or judgment. It will be a lot easier for her to hear if you stick to the facts. You also need to let your parents know what you’ve observed. 

When it comes to addiction, I believe in transparency. 

This is why I think it is important to let your parents, grandparents to those kids, know what the facts are as well. As with your sister, don’t add in judgments and opinions. 

I think it is highly unlikely that you are wrong about your assessment here, based on what you’ve said in your email. As I said, they may not be able to accept the truth in front of them.

Once you’ve had these conversations with them, you can set boundaries for yourself so that you are not in situations with someone who is actively using and denying it. If they can confront things, you can be there to assist in a family intervention. 

As you are already in recovery, you may be aware of Al-Anon. I always recommend this as a good place to start for loved ones of people who have substance abuse issues. Really, it’s a valuable program for learning how to set boundaries in general. 

Remember, you have no control over the actions or reactions of any of your family members, but you can and should say something and then set boundaries accordingly. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Golden Yellow Topaz, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo