She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
Q.
Hi Erin,
I’m doubting myself. I have been struggling with some things lately. I typically seem to love/ like more than one person at a time. Is that even possible? I have a tendency to cheat, which I know is very, very wrong. I don't do it because I don't love who I'm with. I'm honestly not sure why I do it, though.
Is there a way to be in more than one relationship at a time and keep everyone happy and comfortable?
Is there a name for what I'm going through?
A.
You may or may not know that I used to be a serial cheater. Now, this didn’t mean that I had full-blown affairs all the time. This meant that my cheating ranged in intensity from mild flirting to dovetailing from one relationship to the next to emotional cheating to a random kiss to sex.
Infidelity was another drug.
I used infidelity to prevent real emotional intimacy. I had so much self-hatred and so much fear that my friends and partners would see who I was (I believed the someone I was to be a monster), I was desperate to keep a barrier between them and me. That barrier was heroin and infidelity and secrets. That barrier was built of withholding my emotional self, withholding affection, and the truth. And it all left me feeling—surprise, surprise—very alone. I “wanted” this, but I was miserable.
Might you be sabotaging your relationships to avoid emotional intimacy or avoid getting hurt? Maybe. It’s certainly something you need to look at, to ask of yourself. But my hunch is that it’s less complicated than that.
I think what’s tripping you up is monogamy.
It doesn’t sound like it’s a sex thing. It sounds like you're questioning why you might be happier when you’re in more than one relationship. From your brief email, what I’m getting is that you are open to, and potentially would thrive from, polyamory.
Polyamory is not about sex. It’s about experiencing more than one meaningful romantic relationship at a time, and it's becoming more visible. There’s data to back that up: millennials are less interested in monogamous relationships than previous generations.
You asked if there is a way to be in more than one relationship at a time and keep everyone happy and comfortable. Yes, that way is polyamory.
Now, healthy relationships, whether monogamous or polyamorous, require honesty and communication. This means being open with your partner(s) about what you want from a relationship. Everyone in a relationship deserves to set the terms of their boundaries, and there is no right or wrong here, outside of respecting others’ boundaries. Basically, don’t lie and cheat or pretend you want monogamy when you don’t. There are plenty of folks out there who are interested in non-monogamous relationships.
My bottom line advice? Try polyamory and see if it’s a good fit for you. Life is too short to waste time, pretending to be who we are not.
XOXO
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Golden Topaz, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.
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*Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez