Ask Erin: I'm Confused About My Sexuality

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Dear Erin,

I’m confused.

I've been with my boyfriend for two years, and I love him, but I'm not sure if it's love-love or how I love my dog. 

Recently, I've come out as bisexual (mainly just to close friends and some family). My boyfriend introduced me to a girl because he thought we were similar. She is really interesting and fun to talk to, and I've started to like her (I've never met her IRL), and she likes me too. 

I dumped my boyfriend, but then I changed my mind and got back with my boyfriend. Then I dumped him again and got back together with him again (I'm a terrible person I know). 

I know that if I stay with my boyfriend, I'll be happy, and I could see myself staying with him forever, but I keep questioning my sexuality and thinking about this girl. 

I don't know if it's just a crush, and if I want it because it's all so new and different. I'm really struggling, and I don't know what to do. I don't want to make anyone unhappy, and I can't put my boyfriend through basically a fifth breakup. 

It's just a big decision to make, and I want someone else to make it for me, haha. It's gotten really draining and gets me so down. I hate making people unhappy, and I don't want to hurt either of them. :(

A.

I get dozens of similar questions each month, usually in similar situations where they care for and often love their current partner, but are struggling to come to terms with their sexuality and possible feelings for someone else. I understand how hard it can be to let go of what you know. The future with this girl or with anyone else is a question mark. But there is something abundantly clear. 

You should end the relationship with your boyfriend, in the best interest of both of you. 

Whether you are wavering because you are coming to terms with your sexuality or because he is not the right person for you is irrelevant. I have seen very few relationships last or not devolve into unhealthy patterns when there is so much breaking up and getting back together. 

You know, in your heart, what you should do, but it’s scary. I get that. Imagine being in a relationship in which you didn’t feel conflicted all the time, one in which you were sure of your feelings. For your boyfriend, letting him go allows him to find someone who is sure of their feelings. This current situation is not healthy for anyone. 

It’s not about this specific girl. It’s about wanting to explore other relationships. 

And that’s exactly what you should do. It’s a healthier decision. I promise that the thought of making a clean break is a lot scarier than actually doing it. You need the freedom to discover what you want and where you feel comfortable with your sexuality. 

Lastly, as you venture into this new chapter in your life, I want to make sure that you feel well-supported. Certainly, if you have friends and family members you feel safe sharing with, please do. But beyond that, it would help to process what you’re going through with a therapist and, even more importantly, with someone who has been there—someone who has gone through coming out as bisexual and exploring new relationships. The Trevor Project lists the following resources which looks like an excellent place to begin connecting with others and get some support. 

• Bisexual.org

• Bisexual Resource Center

• glaad – Bisexual

• HRC – A Resource Guide to Coming Out as Bisexual

• Planned Parenthood – Sexual Orientation

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Aquamarine, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called STRUNG OUT: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, and it’s on sale now! 

Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly

Ask Erin: I'm Scared About Coming Out As Transgender Later In Life

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

I am faced with a decision, and for the life of me, I am unable to make a choice. I am wondering if you could give me your two cents worth? 

I am transgender — MtF — and 59 years old. 

I was diagnosed with this as a medical problem 15 years ago, but things were different in society then, and I hid in the closet. Now, things are better, but still, the Trans community faces a lot of backlash from others. 

My primary concern is that even if I have all the necessary procedures and surgeries, will I be accepted into the club as a woman? 

If not, then I don't think I can handle the rejection because then I will truly be alone. I know I shouldn't care, and if I were in my 30s, I wouldn’t. It would be a lot easier to make new friends if I was younger, but at my age, it's not as clear cut. 

Thanks for your input.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: How Do I Thoughtfully Navigate My Feelings For A Trans Man?

A.

First, I want to say that I am so sorry that you have felt you needed to hide your true gender for all of these years. And I am so sorry that you are feeling so alone. Indeed, the focus has tended toward younger people who are in various stages of being out with their gender or transitioning. But the number of older folks coming out with their gender or transitioning is rising. 

Although I can’t decide what is right for you, I can answer your quandary the best I know how. 

I believe that you will be happiest in living as the person you truly are. 

I can imagine how scary that feels, to risk losing people you may have in your life now, to not know if you will be able to find a community with which to connect. But I believe in my heart that you will be happier and that you don’t have to go through this alone. 

The transgender community indeed faces further marginalization, even among other LGBT folks. But, as you pointed out, that has mostly changed. 

Will you be accepted into the "woman club?" By me, yes. 

By most people I know, yes. By the people in your everyday life, I don’t know. But I do know that if the people in your life, or anyone you should meet in the future, does not accept you, they are unworthy of having you in their life. 

I know that the lack of acceptance from some could potentially feel like a rejection. But I believe the risk is worth it. And I believe you will be happier. And I believe you will find your community. 

There is support available. In doing a little digging online, I found quite a few organizations in the US and the UK that provide a variety of resources and can even connect you with peers. If you live in a metropolitan area, there is likely to be more IRL support, but there are organizations in place that aim to connect with transgender folks who live in more isolated areas as well. 

Some examples of where to find support as an older transgender person: 

• Association of Transgender Professionals

• Facebook Transgender Support Groups

• Forge Forward

• Lavender Seniors

• National Center for Transgender Equality

• SAGE

• Susan’s Place

• Trans Mentors International

• Transgender Pulse

• Transgender Support (UK)

Additional reading on transitioning later in  life:

• Next Avenue

• The Guardian

• Buzzfeed

As I stated above, I believe that you will be happier living as who you are. And as scary as it feels to make new friends at the stage in your life, I am confident you can. Please stay in touch, let me know how you’re doing, and if I can be of any assistance in helping you find local resources, don’t hesitate to reach out. 

XOXO

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Danburite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly