She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
Q.
Hey Erin,
Am I kidding myself?
So, I’ve been with my current boyfriend for three years now.
We’ve gotten along great, but there have been some pretty major bumps along the way.
He’s had addiction problems. He was also disloyal once a couple of years ago with another woman, and I ended up finding out when he was in rehab (I’ve been his support thru rehab twice). We both have mental health issues that we’ve helped each other through.
However, last week he went kinda awol. He says he needs space, stopped saying he loved me, ran out on me, and stayed out till 1 AM without explanation, less frequent texts, etc.
So he finally came clean yesterday morning and said he’s questioning his sexuality.
He said he’s still in love with me and still attracted to me but sometimes is attracted to men. I know how hard it was to open up about it and how scary it was for him to do that.
I’m so proud of him for doing it, and of course, I’m supportive and want him to figure out who he is. You see, I’m a true believer that sexuality is a spectrum and fluid, but I’m also a believer that life is about love in the end, and that’s the ultimate goal no matter who it is, that we found love is such a special thing. So I’m not trying to be naive or ignorant, and in the end, his happiness means the world.
So, he’s broken up with me at this point.
He says he doesn’t know what he wants or if he even wants to explore this side of himself but wants to figure out what to tell his parents and stuff. He still says he’s attracted to me and ultimately wants me in his life. He says he still sees a future, but we’re still broken up.
His mental illness is bipolar, and I know he’s at this point heading to a manic state. I know there are so many factors at play here, and I’m not sure if you can help me at all, but I’m not really sure what to do or if I can salvage this relationship. I treasure our love, and everything was good until a week ago. I feel whiplashed.
I fear that he’s lying about his attraction to avoid hurting my feelings. I truly want to be with him, help him through this, and be supportive. I know this is hard for him, but as much as I love him, I need to be there for myself too, and being there for him may not be the healthiest thing for that.
Where do I go from here? Should I even try to be his friend for now or just cut it off and work on myself?
Am I kidding myself into thinking it’s salvageable, or is my relationship DOA?
A.
Okay, there is a lot to unpack here. But, to do that, you need to accept some of the facts. First and foremost, he’s broken up with you for a valid reason—he’s coming to terms with his sexuality and navigating coming out. That’s a lot.
Believe him when he says he doesn’t know what he wants.
Give him the space he is asking for to figure this out. You guiding him through this won’t be good for either of you. This is going to be a process for him. Now, can you be his friend? Yes. Should you expect this to lead to reconciliation? No.
You may not be able to be his friend right now, and that’s okay.
Allow yourself the space to grieve the relationship, heal, and move forward. Just as he needs to navigate his future, so do you with yours. You can’t fix this for him. You are not responsible for making it all okay, nor can you control what he does or how he handles this. You only have control over what you do next.
I know that I always say this in the column, but I strongly recommend therapy. Breaking patterns of codependency, which I see here (and truthfully, so many of us have struggled with), can benefit from CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy).
Additionally, I recommend a support group like CoDA or Al-Anon. Both offer countless online and IRL meetings, they are free, and they offer a network of support that is super helpful when you’re going through it. The other thing I want to point out is that your relationship wasn’t exactly sailing on a tranquil sea before this. That doesn’t mean you didn’t love each other, but there have been some pretty significant issues—addiction and infidelity.
As someone whose relationships (well into my 30s) largely included addiction, infidelity, and my mental illness, I can tell you that none of those relationships were healthy ones.
It’s okay to acknowledge that. It doesn’t lessen the love you’ve had for him. These things can coexist.
Is it possible to salvage this relationship? No, not in its current state. And that’s a good thing. Sure, it’s possible that you separate and heal and come back together in a new, different incarnation. But it’s not probable. You will likely be better off as friends, giving you the freedom to heal and find the right person and giving him the freedom to explore his sexuality.
What I wish for you is a healthier relationship.
Endings can be painful and overwhelming, but there is a beginning in every ending. And I believe that you will find yourself much, much happier.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Ametrine, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.
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*Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez