Ask Erin: Gambling Addiction Is Destroying My Family

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hello Erin, 

I would like advice on my situation. 

I am going to start by saying that I’m in a relationship I don’t truly want to be in. 

I have been with my partner for the past four years, and during that time, we have had twins, and then a year later, another baby, so I stay at home with my three younger daughters. I also have an older daughter in school. 

My partner, from the moment I became pregnant with our twins, won a lot of money at a casino. From there, he constantly started to go to the casino and lost all of it. Plus, during this time racked up tons of debt — we are talking close to $50,000 worth. He has a good job, but most of his income now goes to debt. 

He keeps promising to get better and then relapses — and continually lies to me about it. 

Then he acts like he does nothing wrong, and my reactions are mistreating him. 

Every time I try to be nice, he uses it as a way for us to go out and inevitably go to a casino. If I’m mad, he goes to a casino. 

He’s very disconnected and hardly treats me with respect. It's like my worth is not equal to his. I feel like he views me as trapped with him, unable to leave due to having to stay at home and not making enough money working as a transcriptionist to make my own money to support us. When I do tell him I’m going to leave, he threatens to take me to court and get full custody of our kids. I have no support from my family because they are all very traditional, and most of them have stayed in relationships way worse than mine. 

I just feel defeated. I have no voice with him, no clear communication, and I know if I leave, it’ll be years from now when I can get on my feet. 

I used to feel confident, pretty, and smart before I met him — really before the gambling — and now I feel empty and like I don’t matter. 

I would like advice that can empower me to be happy and know what to do in this situation. It’s tiring, especially since our twins are delayed due to being born early, and I have so much on my plate. 

Thank you. 

A.

I am so very sorry that you’re going through this with your partner. It sounds like things have been spiraling out of control for a while. I can understand how alone you must feel. 

Gambling addiction, like any other addiction, is a mental health issue. 

Your partner needs help. I don’t know if you’ve had this discussion or if he is open to some professional help, but it is as serious as any other addiction. And you know that. The financial and emotional destruction has been significant. I am wondering if your partner has gone to any 12-step meetings or looked into treatment. 

The lying, the relapses, the projecting, and the threats are all actions of a person who is not well. While understanding this doesn’t make it any easier on you, I want you to remember the person who is underneath the addiction. Also…

None of this is a reflection of your worth. 

And you certainly don’t need to stay stuck in this spiral. 

First, check out Al-Anon or similar support groups. While 12-step programs aren’t necessarily the end-all answer for everyone, they are a great place to start, are free, and provide you with a community of support. I know you have young kids. Some meetings have childcare, and there are online meetings as well. If you are at all able to budget for therapy (some therapists so sliding-scale), I think it would be so beneficial for you right now. 

You are pretty clear that this is not the relationship you want to be in, and who could blame you? Maybe there is a path to creating something new if/when your partner is in recovery from his addiction, but in the meantime, I agree this is a bad situation for you and your children.  

I know leaving feels overwhelming; you have so much on your plate. Start by making a plan. 

Look for any way you can begin to stash away a little savings here and there. If your family is unsupportive, perhaps there is a close friend you can turn to, to give you some emotional support. Although it may feel impossible to leave, you can take back that control and make it happen, with some time and planning and reaching out for help. 

Lastly, as for his threat — the likelihood of him being able to take you to court and win custody of those kids is pretty slim. Second, he will be financially responsible for contributing to your kids (and possibly to you via alimony, which is dependent on the length of relationship or marriage and where you live). 

I know you have been feeling defeated. Take that control back with getting support, making a plan, on trusting that you can do this. If you need any further help with some resources in your area, don’t hesitate to reach out again. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Rainforest Jasper, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.

Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: How Do I Handle My Husband's Addiction?

***In honor of my addiction memoir, Strung Out: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, hitting bookshelves on 2/25, all month I'll be tackling questions that deal with addiction.***

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin. 

My husband smokes rocks—cocaine. 

He doesn't have a full-time job, but whenever he gets some work, he uses the money on drugs instead of seeing to the kids. He'll steal stuff at the house, tires off of the car, batteries, inverters, cash from me, etc. 

How do I handle this? Should I just stay out of his life for a while? 

His mother has come to try and help, but she's also at her wit's end. I'm getting boils under my arm; I'm so stressed out. I'm also afraid of catching STDs because of his wandering eye after taking drugs. 

He is so emotionless, unsympathetic, and only shows a bit of love and compassion after he smokes.

You Might Also Like: As A Mom In Recovery From Heroin Addiction, Here’s Why Sesame Street’s New Character Matters

A.

I am so very sorry that you’re going through this. It is devastating to watch people we love self-destruct. 

Your husband is sick. His addiction is a health issue, not a moral one. 

Underneath the drugs and behavior is the human. And that can be very hard to see when someone is acting out in horrible ways because of their addiction. 

I want to say something about "tough love." I don’t believe in cutting someone off who is sick, who needs help. And often, old models of tough love have kept people trapped in cycles of shame. We can reject this idea of withholding love and instead focus on healthy boundaries.

As someone who has been on both sides of this situation, I always come from a place of compassion for everyone involved, even the person struggling with addiction. But you can be compassionate and still set boundaries. Boundaries are doubly important for the sake of your children. 

So what does that look like? How do you set boundaries with compassion? 

You have kids at home. He can’t live there while he is actively using drugs. Since he has been stealing, he shouldn’t have a set of keys, either. He can see the kids, but not when he is high. You and his mother should be on the same page with these boundaries.

All of this said, leave the door open when and if he should want help, whether that means you or his mom. Let him know he is loved, that he deserves more than the life carved out by his addiction. I know for myself when I was at my lowest, I didn’t feel I deserve to live. I carried so much shame. I am fairly certain he is struggling with those feelings, too, as most in active addiction do. 

Now, you need some help, too. 

Going through this with him is traumatic. If you can, please get the help of a therapist. Confide in a friend or two you trust. And it’s worth looking in to support groups such as Al-Anon. Allow yourself multiple avenues of support. And, depending on the age of your kids, they may need some outside support as well. 

You will get through this. You can’t control or change his behavior. You can only change yours. Lead with empathy and draw the line where you need to draw it to protect your kids.

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Maori Greenstone, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: My Husband Is In Recovery, But I Can't Move Forward

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

I’ve been with my husband for 16 years. We have three children. 

He became addicted to cocaine and prescription medication about three years ago when I was pregnant. 

The problem escalated, and we separated at the start of the year for five months. He went to rehab and has now been in recovery for three months. 

The problem is I feel terrible. I'm so down. I find it hard to forgive him for everything he's put me through. 

I never thought he'd do this to me, and I'm struggling with my feelings and how to move forward. 

I'm proud he's in recovery and that my kids now have a sober dad. But I'm so hurt at everything that has lead up to now. 

I don't know how to move past this.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Will I Lose My Fiance To Rehab?

A.

Being a partner to a person struggling with addiction is challenging, to say the least. I know. I have been the one in rehab, and I’ve been the partner of the one in rehab. It can be stressful and painful for both partners. 

It is understandable that you feel hurt and don’t know how to move past this. 

In my experience, the relationships we have when drinking or using are not healthy, and the unhealthy behavior usually comes from both parties. That may be hard to see from where you stand, but every relationship I had while using drugs depended on my partner’s codependency or other unhealthy relationship behaviors. 

Neither of you knows how to operate in this new dynamic, but you can learn to do so. Going back to what you had isn’t a real option. The relationship you had was broken. 

If you move forward together, your relationship will be an entirely new thing, built on a much healthier foundation. 

And I do think it is worth trying to build something new. You have three kids together. And, no matter what the outcome is, you will need to co-parent peacefully. 

Right now, your husband’s priority should be his sobriety. And your priority should be getting help for yourself. At the very least, you need some way to process what has happened and separate your relationship from his behavior. 

I always think therapy is a good idea. For now, you should each be seeing a therapist separately. Later, I would highly recommend a marriage counselor so that you can take the work you’ve done individually and figure out a path forward together with the help of a neutral third-party. 

Before you make decisions about your marriage, you need to sort out what you feel, what you want, and who you are, as an individual, separate from your partner. 

It’s hard to do that inside our brains, all alone. A therapist is there as a guide to help us figure out things we already know but are clouded by trauma, heartbreak, and, well, life. 

Now, I understand that therapy is not always an option for everyone, for a few reasons, but usually financial. Another way to get yourself some help is through a 12-step program such as Al-Anon or CoDA. Both of these programs can offer a lot of support for anyone struggling within a relationship, but especially for those with a partner who has substance use problems. 

This is not going to be figured out overnight, but I promise it won’t feel this painful and confusing forever. 

Focus on yourself — your wants and needs. Make some time for self-care, even in microdoses, which is often how it is when you have kids (I know!). And stay open to getting to know who both you and your partner are now, as you walk the walk in recovery. You might surprise yourself with what you learn about each other. 

Lastly, recovery is a process, and there are no guarantees that he won’t relapse again. This is why I want to emphasize again how helpful a 12-step program of your own (or other types of support groups, even online) will be for navigating this journey. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Gaspeite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.