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Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez
She told me that they slept together, not once, not twice, but three times. I felt sick because she is my ride-or-die, but that’s my sister… Now, what do I do? Do I tell my sister? Do I tell my brother-in-law I know? Do I end a 25-year friendship?
Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez
*Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez
He tells me all the time that he wants to be with me "one day. ”I don't have the courage to ask him what this means. Part of me feels like I'm wasting my life. We have been together for almost two years now.
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*Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez
What’s concerning to me is not that he liked some posts on Instagram, but that he made an agreement that it seems he never intended to keep.
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Nine months ago, I found out my partner was cheating on me. I decided to forgive him and try to move on… Today I found out I have chlamydia.
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Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez
I want to be with him so bad, but I know I will feel guilty.
No matter how we feel, he is still married.
What should I do?
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Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez
She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
Hi Erin,
So, a married man contacted me online. I told him, “no way.” But he persisted. We met, and we started having sex.
I know it's wrong. But he is the one straying.
He has awakened me sexually. I don't have emotional feelings for him. I am not sure if I should continue seeing him. But, he has restored me sexually after a bitter divorce.
By the way, it’s not his first affair.
You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Is The Married Man I’ve Been Dating For 4 Years Just Using Me?
You’re correct. He is the one straying. He’s the one who's broken his commitment to his wife. But…
Having an affair, being the “other woman,” carries a lot of complications. Some are obvious, others less so.
The way you got together is full of red flags. He persisted in pursuing you after you said no. This was not a case of happenstance. This was a married man actively pursuing an extramarital affair with you. And, as you mentioned, this is not his first affair.
Now, I am 100% on board for consenting adults doing what they want with each other. Should that be at the expense of others? Ultimately, that’s your call. But, for me, that would be a big nope.
I’m speaking from personal experience. When I was 19, I had an affair with a married man who I didn’t have feelings for. In my 20s, I had an affair with a man (who was in a long term relationship) who I was madly in love with, and I have been the cheater, the one in the committed relationships having an affair.
While this man may have reignited your sexual mojo post-divorce, that part — the I’m enjoying this so much part — is fleeting. That nagging feeling that maybe this isn’t a healthy situation is only going to get stronger. And eventually, it will start to peck away at your self-esteem. None of this is said to shame you, but rather illuminate your worth.
Actions reveal character. This man’s actions reveal his character.
I think you know this. As I said, it’s why you are questioning everything. Think about what you might say if your best friend or sister or daughter was in this same situation. Would this be what you’d want for them?
End this. You’re going to be a whole lot happier dating or having sex with someone when it doesn’t involve deceiving someone else.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Zircon, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
*This column first appeared on Ravishly.
Artwork by Tess Emily Rodriguez
This has been going on for years already. She had a baby, and at this point, I don’t really know if it's my husband's or her so-called ex-boyfriend.
I found a picture on my husband's phone of her sending nude pictures to him.
What can I do? Should I confront him? Should I confront her? Should I confront them both?
I wish I could say I’ve never received a question like this before. But I have.
I answered one a couple of years ago, and readers were shocked. But it seems it’s more common than we think.
There is a lot to unpack here, and I have a lot of questions, but let’s get into some essential advice on handling this.
Let’s first start with the infidelity. Your husband has betrayed you. It is not clear to me whether or not you have confronted him in the past. You mentioned it’s been going on for years, but then ask if you should confront them. If you have yet to confront him, yes, tell him that you know, that you have evidence.
You need someone outside of the situation who can help guide you through what will be a minefield of emotions, with both your husband and daughter.
How you proceed with him, with some outside help, is going to be dependent on unknown factors. Did your daughter grow up with your husband as her stepfather? Did the affair start when she was an adult? If she lived with him as a minor, did he groom her for this?
The next appointment you need to make is with a family law attorney. This is not as simple as my spouse had an affair-let’s go to counseling-I can forgive him. You need some guidance on getting out of this marriage, getting your finances in order, etc., so you can make get out.
Because he hasn’t just fractured your marriage, he’s damaged your relationship with your daughter.So let’s talk about your daughter.Again, I really think that making a plan of action with a therapist is needed in this situation.
I am hopeful that with time and a lot of therapy, you can repair and rebuild a relationship with your daughter. Maybe it won’t be what it was before, but I don’t believe you should throw away any possibility of reconnecting.
I hope that you do get some counseling. If you need help finding a therapist in your area, please email me again. As it’s been years, and you have yet to take action, I don’t want you to sit with this denial any longer.
I know this may feel overwhelming. You don’t have to do this alone. You don’t have to take every step at once. But you can’t pretend it’s not happening.
Your silence is not serving any of you. If you have a friend or family member you trust, please confide in them. I want you to have available the largest support system possible.
Regarding the paternity of your grandchild, let’s put that aside for the moment. That can be dealt with later. And whatever the outcome, please remember that your grandchild is innocent in all this. You are still that baby’s grandmother, no matter what. Your grandchild needs you.
The only way out is through.
Taking that first step may feel scary, but I promise it won’t on the other side of this. You only have to go through this once. Take back control over what you can control — your actions.You can do this.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Chrysocolla, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
Artwork by Tess Emily Rodriguez
Dear Erin,
Almost a year ago, I wrote to you about my one-night stand with a co-worker. Your advice and predictions were absolutely spot on.
I found out through a post on Facebook announcing their new marriage(?!)/relationship and addition to the family. To say I was gutted is an understatement, and not because of feelings, but rather, that absolutely awful, sickening feeling of guilt towards her and her child despite him telling me he was single.
I have no idea whether she knows what happened (and while I am someone who would want to know if a partner of mine had cheated on me, I don’t think I’m the right person to tell her, and I certainly don't want to ruin their family). I did not say anything to him about it, instead kept quiet.
A month after that post (and coincidently, the day his child was born), I received a package in the mail at my work address. He had sent me a copy of his new book, alongside a letter saying that he was thinking about me, and wanted to see me again (just as you predicted), no mention of the marriage or the baby. Keeping what you said in mind, I ignored the letter, thanked him politely for the book, congratulated him on his marriage and new child, and then promptly deleted him from Facebook and ended all contact indefinitely.
I went to therapy to help work through my feelings of anger, hurt, and guilt, which has helped immensely, as well as learning to let go of the attachments I had made. It's probably been about ten months or so since we've had any contact.
Since then, I’ve met a wonderful guy that I’ve been seeing for a while now (as you predicted!), and I generally feel more confident, and loved, and just better overall. The problem I’m having is, despite all the above, I still often think about that man. It is certainly not in terms of affection or want or desire as it was last year, and it's certainly not all-encompassing like it was either, but I don’t know why he’s still in my head or under my skin.
I think perhaps a part of me is scared that he'll try and derail my career because I've refused to be some overseas mistress, and that is constantly playing in the back of my mind.
I'm worried that the next time I might have to see him, like at a conference, that all my hard work will be undone.
What more can I do?
Well, I am happy you cut him off and got yourself out of a situation that was bound to end badly. Further, I am thrilled to read that you’ve met a wonderful — and more importantly, available — partner.
Because, to remind you, you fell for a fantasy, not the real person. The real person behind that fantasy was a cheater who lied to you about having a relationship, and a child on the way. He’s a louse — a liar and a cheater. You don’t want that.
What’s unsettling you is the lust that set all your pheromones off when you hooked up. That feeling of someone getting under our skin can be mistakenly there because we had good sex and then it was taken away. Your memory of that hookup is in your body, even if your mind remembers that it was a bad situation. And I get how powerful that can be. I really do. But it’s not grounded in reality.
No good can come of any contact with this guy outside of work. I do not believe that he will try to derail your career. This kind of guy likely has more than one mistress, overseas or not.
Why do you think about him? Because we often get hung up on the ones who almost were, the ones who disappeared, the ones we couldn’t have. Despite how strong that pull can be, remember who he is and who he is not.
As for the next time you see him, remember all of the facts. He lied and cheated. He ghosted you. This would end badly, for all of you.
Don’t go there!I don’t know if the person you’re with now is the one for you.But I am fairly certain your old co-worker is NOT.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Celestite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
Artwork by Tess Emily Rodriguez
Dear Erin,
I have been in a committed relationship for about two years. My boyfriend and I are generally very happy and are planning to move in together in a few months. We've had our ups and downs, like any couple, but we're good for each other and are generally in a good place.
I don't think I've ever been this attracted to anyone. I believe it’s normal and healthy to find people attractive outside your relationship — it's happened before — but this is ridiculous. I haven't been able to keep him off my mind for a good few months. Nothing is going to happen — I'd never cheat on my boyfriend, and the friend has a girlfriend anyway — but I can't stop thinking about him.
I do think the problem is exacerbated by the fact that my boyfriend and I haven't had sex in a few months. He's always had a lower sex drive than me, but we used to have sex at least once or twice a week. This seems to have dried up. Between work and university (we're students) he's always tired, and while he's sweet and affectionate, I feel like I need more. I think part of my attraction to the friend (not all of it — he's legit gorgeous — but some) comes from wanting to feel desired.
My boyfriend is great, and I can live without regular sex if I get to keep him in my life, but I don't know how to get rid of my feelings for the friend. He's a great guy, and I do like him platonically (as do our other friends), so I don't want to just stop spending time with him. I just want to stop thinking about f*cking him every 20 seconds.
Help?
As you mentioned, it is natural to find other people attractive when we are in committed relationships. But the intensity of your attraction for this friend is indicative of some red flags I see here.
You are so young! You are in university and have been in this relationship for two years.
I know some people find the one early on and it works out, but I think they are outliers.
And that discovery often goes far past our early 20s. Maybe part of what’s happening is that you subconsciously recognize this and this attraction is revealing that. And that’s okay. It is not a reflection of what your relationship has been or the feelings you’ve had for your boyfriend. The truth is most relationships won’t last. It can feel scary to acknowledge that you’ve outgrown a relationship, but my instinct here is that this is what’s happening.
Certainly, sex is not the most important aspect of a long-term relationship. BUT, it is pretty damn important. A couple’s sex life can be indicative of how healthy the relationship is. It is very natural that there are ebbs and flows within a relationship, and that includes sex. When there is a distinct difference in sex drive that seems to be more of a pattern, it’s something to consider.
Do you want to be in a long-term relationship with someone whose sex drive is significantly lower than yours? For this to work, there needs to be open communication with your partner about this. Perhaps you can find a way together to work on this.
With these sorts of doubts — and yes I believe this intense attraction is a manifestation of your doubts — it’s not the time to take that next step. What’s the rush?
Don’t act on these impulses — both the impulse to move in with your boyfriend and the impulse to be with the friend. Neither will make anything but a mess. How do I know?Because I have made these mistakes. Both of them. More than once.
If you are determined to make it work with your boyfriend, it would be helpful for you to see a therapist, to work out what you truly feel. Often the mere act of talking it out with someone who is outside of the situation can help with clarity.
In the meantime, you asked how to stop thinking about him all the time. Remind yourself of this…
When we fantasize about someone, they are perfect.In our minds, they are capable of satisfying us, making us feel desired, and the scenarios are always heightened.The reality of being with someone is always different than our fantasy.That’s why fantasies are so enticing!They can be whatever we want them to be.I guarantee you that this girlfriend knows all the little annoying things about him that make him a real person.Try to remember that when your mind wanders to him.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Variscite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
Artwork by Tess Emily Rodriguez
So last year I found out my boyfriend of nine years was having an emotional affair, sending texts to other girls he shouldn’t have, and generally being pretty douchey.
I know, a massive breach of privacy. To try to defend myself — I was really suspicious because he was going out a lot more at night, staying late after work, never leaving his phone out of sight, and was being really cold with me. I tried to talk to him about my suspicions, but he would deny it and walk off. (He later admitted he was walking off so he could delete suspicious texts from other girls.)
Anyway, so I did read his texts with his best mate who I knew he would talk to if anything were going on. In the texts, the friend was joking about the situation and my boyfriend liking other girls, inviting my boyfriend to visit him to meet other girls, talking about them being single together, and even said: “haha imagine if your girlfriend read this.”
I was really hurt because I’d spent a lot of time with this best friend, gone on double dates with him, cooked him dinner, had him stay over at our house. I also have never prevented my boyfriend spending time with him whether its lads weekends away or nights out.
My boyfriend and I have done A LOT of work to repair the relationship, and I now trust him again. But I hate the fact he is still friends with this man because he clearly has no respect for me or our relationship. He hasn’t even asked my boyfriend how things are between us after the shit hit the fan.
I feel for you. It’s a tough situation to have negative feelings about your partner’s best friend.But before I address your question, we need to look a little deeper.
You need to separate your anger towards your boyfriend from your anger towards his best friend.
Of course, it hurts to know that his friend knew this information, cosigned it, and seemingly encouraged it.When I was in a relationship where my partner had cheated, I remember that feeling of finding out who had known.It burns.BUT…
The best friend is not the one who made you feel like you imagined things all of that time.The best friend is not the one who deleted texts and had an emotional affair. Your boyfriend did that.
Although you said that you trust your boyfriend again and you’ve worked together to repair your relationship, I think there’s more work to do. The residual anger you have is being redirected at the best friend. I’m not saying this friend is a great guy, but he didn’t do these things to you.
You also mentioned that the friend hasn’t asked about your relationship — how it’s going.I’m not sure how you know that. I am assuming that he’s told you this.
Here is what I would do: Get real honest with yourself about any residual resentment or trust issues you have with your boyfriend. I am a big believer in clear and direct communication.
I think you need to talk with the best friend — a non-confrontational, but honest talk. It’s okay to tell the friend that it hurt to find out that he knew about the cheating and perhaps encouraged it. But don’t blame him for your boyfriend’s actions.
So if you decide to do that, you have to prepare yourself for how you will feel and what you will do if you don’t get what you want. I think that with a little compromise and a lot of direct, clear, calm communication, you can get to a place where you’ll be a bit more comfortable with him.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Amblygonite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me ataskerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you myAsk Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter.xoxo
Artwork by Tess Emily Rodriguez
This is something that has haunted me for many years.
I hadn't seen her for some time as she had moved in with him and she insisted that I come to spend a weekend with them. He was a couple of years older than us and could drive and buy alcohol.
My friend wanted to party, and her boyfriend went out and brought a couple of bottles of liquor. We were all drinking, and I noticed that the boyfriend hadn't been drinking all that much but seemed to be quite happy to keep pouring drinks for the two of us. I didn't think too much of it at the time.
Later on, my friend pulled me aside and told me that her boyfriend was quite interested in having a threesome with us. I laughed it off and declined because I was a virgin at the time and losing my virginity in a three-way with my friend, and her new boyfriend was definitely not on my to-do list. The topic of sex was discussed some more, and I made a few jokes about how it was no good talking to me about that sort of thing. I had absolutely nothing to add, just trying to joke my way out of an uncomfortable situation.
The boyfriend started talking about how he had friends that he could set me up with to help me out and I laughed, and I think I said something along the lines of that would be very nice, thanks. I was very drunk and my friend even more so.
She passed out, and the boyfriend insisted on helping me to the bedroom that I was sleeping in. I didn't want to appear rude, so I accepted his help. He escorted me to the bedroom and hugged me. And this is the part that saddens and confuses me. I hugged the boyfriend back, kissed him on the cheek, and told him that I didn't want to be a virgin anymore, that I really should try this "sex thing." I meant about him setting me up with a friend, but I think he took that to mean that I wanted to have sex with him.
I went into the bedroom, got undressed, got into bed, and turned the lights out.
I was close to passing out myself when I heard the door open.
I'm ashamed to say that after it was over, I sobbed in his arms about what a slut I was and what a terrible friend I was. His way of "comforting" me was to climb on top of me again.
After that weekend was over, I barely spoke to my friend, and I don't see her all that often anymore. We are still friends, and she is still with him. I don't think she knows what happened and if she does, she either pretends it never happened because I'm sure he would have told her that I hit on him or she chose to ignore it as she does with the other women he cheated on her with.
The topic of that awful night has only been brought up by him once. It was a few weeks later, and he emailed me and told me that he would "never forget that amazing night because I was so wonderful in bed." I read that, emailed back “thanks," and threw up.
Just thinking about it now makes me feel sick, but I don't know whether I feel sick because I was raped or whether I am just that terrible friend and drunk slut.
Okay, first of all, you are not a terrible friend or a drunk slut. Please stop beating yourself up about this.
If you could go back in time, would you make different choices? Maybe.
This boyfriend of hers took advantage of a drunk minor, who he plied with alcohol. EVEN if you kissed him, EVEN if you commented about not wanting to be a virgin anymore, at no point did this adult man obtain consent.
What he did was wrong. What he did was rape. You were a minor. You did not consent. You were inebriated. Drunk people cannot consent.
I am so sorry that this happened to you. I am so sorry that you have spent however many years beating yourself up over this.
I want to encourage you to seek the help of a therapist or support group in processing this.This sh*t stays with us. I know. There are excellent resources out there. RAINN is a good place to start.
Secondly, I want you to write two emails — one to this asshole and one to your friend. I want you to get all the truth out, and then set those emails aside for a while. Save them as drafts.After you’ve received some support and had a little distance, revisit them, revise as needed, and if you feel as if it will bring further closure, send them. But let yourself have the time and space to consider that before you do. I think that the act of writing them alone will bring you some closure.
And I see her and believe her.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I'm not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I've gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, what I’m watching,what I’m reading, Magnetite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me ataskerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez
Hi Erin,
So I do have feelings for two guys at the moment, and it is very confusing. I’m hoping you can shed some light on the situation.
I recently started dating this guy. Things were good, but he has gotten very clingy, something I don't like. We have been together for less than a month, and he says he loves me and wants to be together forever. I never thought we were gonna last long, to begin with.
I have had feelings for my best guy friend for about three months now. I have been open about it and have found out that he feels the same.
I feel like this is cheating — having feelings for him, so I feel bad. I have thought about ending things with my current boyfriend, but I don't want to hurt him.
I spend more time with my best friend than the boyfriend. Every time my phone rings I hope it’s my best friend calling or messaging me. I'm disappointed when it's not him, and I get aggravated when my boyfriend tries to be very lovely with me.
I recently lied to my boyfriend about being busy to hang out with my best friend. I have never fought with my best friend but have my boyfriend. I'm not sure if I should just go ahead and end things or let it play out.
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You are making this situation way too complicated.
You clearly want to be with the best friend, not the boyfriend. You know the feelings are reciprocal. What are you doing?
Well, first I think you may be afraid to make a go of it with the best friend. There’s a whole lot more at stake with him than the boyfriend. How do I know? Because I was that jank that got in relationships with people who felt emotionally safe for me and spent time pining away for someone else. Of course, I wouldn’t actually be with the person I had real feelings for because that was emotionally risky.
I know that no good can come of this because I made the mistake you're making, more than once or twice or three times.
Also, there may be a little of that “I don’t want to be the bad guy/girl/person” in the situation. You said you didn’t want to hurt your boyfriend. But, staying with him while you really want to be with someone else is hurting him.
Setting him free is the kindest thing to do.
I don’t trust anyone who says they want to be with you forever after knowing you for a mere few weeks. I mean, I am sure I was the person at some point, but I was a mess, ya know?
So let’s make it super simple. Break up with the boyfriend. See what happens with the best friend before you attempt to get involved with anyone else. And, know that sometimes our fantasy of what it would be like with someone we are friends with is a lot better than the reality of it. When we’re not in the healthiest places, that type of longing can look a whole lot like something it really is not.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I'm not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I've gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, what I can’t stop eating and somebody please take them away, Blue Muscovite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez
Hi Erin,
Is sexting cheating?
I've been with my boyfriend a little under a year. I love him an awful lot, but I have anxiety, so sometimes trust is a major issue for me. He knew this and still started to make it obvious he was being secretive regarding his phone.
Then one evening he left it aside, and I decided to look despite my reservations on snooping. I found he had been messaging a woman twice our age with sexual implications. When I confronted him, he said it was stupid harmless fun, but me going through his messages was much worse.
Any help would be much appreciated.
Thank you.
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But, it’s a little more nuanced than that.
The Internet has recently been abuzz with articles about “micro-cheating.” What is micro-cheating? Well, I don’t think of micro-cheating as I flirted with the cute barista when I pick up my coffee, or I thought about someone else during sex, or I scrolled through my ex’s Instagram. No.
The slippery slope goes a little like this: Innocent interaction between someone you might be attracted to (probably via the Internet or text). You don’t mention this interaction to your partner, although no line has technically been crossed. More and more attention goes towards this other person. One day, a dick pic shows up on your phone. See? Slippery slope.
Is it akin to actually having sex IRL with someone else? No. Is it still a betrayal and a red flag? Yes.
Further, I think of relationship anxiety like this… If you feel constantly insecure in a relationship, get out. It doesn’t matter if it is all in your head or if it's because your partner is doing something sketchy. What matters is that you’re feeling crappy in the relationship and that tells me this is a bad fit.
Do I think you should move on? I do. Do I think you should also see a therapist to work on building your self-worth, so you don’t bring the baggage from this relationship into the next one? I also do.
I always think of this scene from an episode of Sex and the City (and I have mentioned this before)…. when Samantha states, “As far as I’m concerned, the test of a good relationship is are you like this :-( or like this :-)?"
As simplistic as that sounds… I think she’s right! I have said this repeatedly: My relationship is not always perfect. Sometimes we piss each other off. But, overall, it’s the least stressful part of my life. And, I think that in the big picture, that’s how relationships should be most of the time.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I'm not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I've gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, what’s getting me through Mercury Retrograde, Sardonyx, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez
Hello Erin,
A couple of years ago I met this guy at my office, and we hit it off pretty quick. We started flirting which led to hooking up casually and sometimes going on mini dates afterward. I ended up moving about an hour away, and we continued to sext/send nudes and even hook up whenever we were in each others area, but then things got weird.
He started blocking and unblocking me all the time on his social media when I didn’t respond to his booty calls right away. We ended up hooking up again, and I asked him if he was seeing someone, and he said he was talking to a girl, but they weren’t official, which I took as an okay to keep doing what we were doing because he said he wasn’t committed to her. And then I found the next day through a friend that not only was he officially with this girl, but they were also practically living together.
It’s been almost a year since I found that out and while I haven’t confronted him on it, he hits me up a lot, and a mutual friend between his girlfriend and me has told me that his girlfriend has no idea about me and his frequent cheating.
On the one hand, I really want to have her back girl to girl, and because we all have mutual friends between the three of us, I don’t want her to get misinformation (such as thinking that I knew about her when I had hooked up with him). I also want to do the right thing morally. Plus, I’m not scared about losing him from my life because he hasn’t really contributed much to it nor am I that close with his social circle. But on the other hand, I feel that I should just leave it be and hope that karma will take care of things.
In full transparency, I do have some feelings for him, but I know it’s mostly based on lust. I just actually feel really bad for her when I see her posting about how great he is and stuff when I know she has no idea that he’s a chronic cheater (there are other girls beside me too).
Any advice for me?
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I often advise people to stay out of getting into the mix with other people’s relationships. The reason being — psychologically it’s complicated and more painful to get that type of information from someone you don’t know, particularly when that person participated in the infidelity. But, in this case, her boyfriend is a chronic cheater (you mentioned other women), and from all accounts (your mutual friends) she doesn’t know this.
So how to proceed? I would get her email address from one of your mutual friends. Write her a thoughtful and kind email — one that doesn’t give any unnecessarily hurtful information but lays out the facts, much as you wrote them to me. My caveat is that by reaching out to her with this information, you are potentially inviting more drama into your life, and you need to be prepared that she may not believe you and/or displace the blame entirely on you.
I was in a relationship with a chronic cheater. I caught him/found out repeatedly, even confirming with one of the women who he cheated on me with when we confronted him together (he’d been lying to us both). Even after that, it took me a bit longer to believe he was really that bad, to comprehend that he wasn’t going to change, and to untangle myself from that mess.
His behavior is not the behavior of a healthy person. There are plenty of people out there with whom you could have casual sex (or an actual relationship) who are not cheating on someone to do it.
Lastly, you acknowledged that you might have some feelings for him, albeit they are blurry and mixed in with lust. Participating in infidelity is not the mark of healthy self-esteem. I speak from experience. I have been the “other woman” too. I thought that I was a strong, sexually liberated young woman. But really, I had low self-worth. Before you jump into your next relationship or hook-up, please take some time to invest in yourself.
What does investing in yourself look like? Talk therapy, focusing on yourself and what you want and need want from a partner, self-care, goal-setting, volunteering, spending time with people who make you feel good, and last but not least learning to set boundaries.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I'm not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I've gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, recovery, friendship, sex, consent, what I’m putting on my lips, Sugilite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo