content warning: incest
She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
Q.
Hi Erin,
I am growing increasingly worried about my husband and my stepdaughter.
My husband and I have been married for eight years, and we have two daughters, aged six and four. Until a few months ago, I think we were pretty happy in our marriage. But then he met his other daughter.
Three months ago, my husband met his adult daughter for the first time. She is 23. He is 43. He never knew she existed until about six months ago when she found him through Ancestry.
Anyway, he met her via Zoom, because of covid. Then I met her, and our daughters met her. He began speaking to her a lot, and I didn’t really think anything of it. Then, he finally met her in person when she drove to our town to meet him. We met her at a park, and then they met up a couple of times since then.
Everything seemed normal until they met in person. Now, they act as though they are a couple.
He ignores our daughters, spends so much time talking to her and texting her. I looked at his phone over his shoulder, and it looked like she sent him a very racy photo.
I have also caught him playing with his private parts when he talks to her on the phone. He was aroused.
Am I tripping? What should I do?
A.
Right off the bat, you’re not tripping. There is a huge red flag waving around in front of you. This is not a grey area; your husband masturbates while on the phone with his daughter.
I want this to be very clear; this is far beyond inappropriate.
There is one of two things happening there. She is either participating in this knowingly or unaware that her creepy dad is getting off on her. Both of these scenarios are seriously messed up. If she is an active participant, the power dynamics of a parent and child, even after a lifetime of estrangement, is entirely unequal.
This is not the first time I have heard of this type of situation. I have read many stories about young women who had affairs with their estranged fathers who they’d never known before adulthood. The conclusion of most of these stories is that these young women were looking for the long-missing love and acceptance from a primal relationship—one between a parent and child. Kathryn Harrison’s heartbreaking memoir The Kiss is about this very subject. I say all this to reiterate that even if she is “willingly” participating in a romantic relationship with her father, she is a victim in this.
Incest is never consensual.
I know this is an extremely uncomfortable reality to face, but you will have to deal with this as soon as possible. And with assistance. If you can speak with a family therapist, I urge you to do so quickly. It would be best to have a therapist mediate this discussion.
Now, you have two daughters to protect here, as well. While he may be ignoring them for the moment, I would not trust that he is incapable of behaving in inappropriate and damaging ways with them as well. If you decide to confront him before consulting a therapist, please be aware that he is likely to deny, deflect, and victim-blame.
Predators (and yes, he is a predator, even if he had been a loving father and husband until this point) are prone to gaslighting everyone around them, to make them feel like they are imagining things.
So it doesn’t surprise me that you wonder if you’ve been tripping, wonder if this is real. Please, please do not stay silent here. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and your daughters. If it were me, I would reach out to the young woman as well, because she is a victim here too, no matter the level of her involvement.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Albite, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.
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