She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
Q.
Hi Erin,
I met this guy on Bumble. We started talking two months ago, and our first date was last month.
We really hit it off. He came over on our second date to watch a movie and have pizza, and we ended up having sex. I try never to have sex that early on, but it was awesome with him. He stayed the night.
We sort of talked around the exclusivity thing, but it seemed like we were on the same page.
Things seemed good. We texted a lot, and we stayed at each other’s places a lot. The sex was amazing.
Then last Friday, in the middle of the night, he called me and said, "I want you to know that this is not a booty call, but I'm near your place, and I miss you a lot."
When he came over, he was all cuddly, and he told me he thinks he’s falling in love with me.
I told him I felt that way too. I felt so lucky and happy.
The next morning, he gets a text and then makes a phone call in the bathroom and tells me he forgot he was meeting friends for brunch.
And then... RADIO SILENCE.
On Sunday, I texted him to say we should plan a movie date soon. No reply.
On Monday around noon, I saw that he was on Facebook and messaged him, "Hey, is everything okay?”.
No reply.
On Monday night, I texted, “Are you okay? Are you ignoring me? Whatever is going on, just let me know what’s up.”
I can see he is alive. He’s posted stuff on Instagram. I messaged him and said, “well, I guess you’re ghosting me? Why the fuck did you come over Friday and tell me you love me?”
NOTHING.
I am SO ANGRY, mostly because he didn’t have to come over and tell me he’s falling in love with me. I told him from the beginning that I just wanted him to be honest with me.
I am confused.
Am I overreacting? Did I just get ghosted?
A.
You are not overreacting. It takes five seconds to text someone and say that you can’t talk.
I can completely understand why you feel so frustrated. He told you he was falling in love with you and then disappeared. Unfortunately, this is not uncommon.
Sidenote: I just finished reading Lisa Unger’s Last Girl Ghosted, which was a thrilling, fast read. Recommend.
There are people who, consciously or not, play this withholding dance, a dance that often ends in ghosting.
I know; I was one of them. And from my experience, there are a few categories of ghosts.
There’s the avoider. In my case, I was avoidant when it came to emotional intimacy. I would get close to people but freak out and disappear when they expressed their feelings. I once jumped out of a second-story window because the guy I was with told me he had feelings for me. I was a real barrel of laughs.
Another type of ghost is the gaslighting sort. This is the kind of behavior that may rub elbows with narcissism and sociopathy. They’re the ones who will shower you with attention and affection, pull back, and then act like your reaction to them pulling back is crazy—the why-are-you-so-upset-I-never-promised-you-anything type. (I was also sometimes like this one because promises are not only in words but also actions.)
And the type of ghost that I have seen far too many times is the ghost already in a relationship. I’d bet money that he's this type—the phone call and subsequent disappearance. It smacks of the guy who’s dating outside his relationship on dating apps.
Ultimately, all of this conjecture over the why does not matter.
He’s shown you who he is. Cut your losses and move on. With a bit of time and distance, you may be able to recognize some red flags. However, good liars can be tricky. This is not your fault. It’s nothing you did. And THANK THE UNIVERSE that you have only invested a month.
If he happens to be the avoidant ghost, like I was, you don’t want to be with him either. So, please, do not go down this road with him again if he reappears, which he very well may.
There are many people out there who do not ghost, so allow yourself to make room for them and don’t let this guy take up any more emotional energy.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Golden Yellow Topaz, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.
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*Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez