Ask Erin: How Can I Set Boundaries With My Online Friend?

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

I have a new online friendship with Ellie (not her real name). Ellie has a lot going on in her life, more than most. She's a full-time caregiver, and she also has mental health issues with anxiety and depression. 

She's not the only friend I have with these issues, and she won't be the last. This is the bit where I am a bitch. I will never say no to her sounding off. She has a lot of stress. But I don't want to spend an entire weekend validating her, reassuring her again and again and again. 

It can last for days sometimes. If I don't respond immediately, she sulks and lashes out. Then I get the apologies, and it all starts all over again. 

I can't seem to get through to her that I have a family and a full-time job; I can't simply just drop everything. 

And frankly, even if I didn't have all that, sometimes I just don't want to.

But it appears that I'm it. She doesn't have much of a life due to her caring responsibilities. She finds it difficult to make friends. 

I am not a therapist. 

I am not equipped for this  — but I can't cut her off because everyone needs someone.

What do I do?

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A.

I understand your tough position. My entire life, even when I was a complete wreck, friends and acquaintances came to me for advice. 

I know what it feels like to be the one person someone may be turning to for support, an ear, help.

And that can be exhausting.

Now, with my weekly Ask Erin column, I receive more than 100 emails a week from strangers needing help. I have often felt the pressure and responsibility that comes with that. But I can’t help everyone. I answer one question per week in the column, occasionally more questions in Facebook and Instagram lives, and am working on some other ways to answer a greater number of questions. 

I am only one person, and you said something that rings as true for me as it does for you. “I am not a therapist.” 

You are not a therapist; it is not your job to fix your friend’s life.

That said, you want to be there for her within reason. But your need to consider your family, your job, and your wellbeing ahead of hers is not akin to you being a bitch. That’s called taking care of yourself. Without doing that, you can’t truly be of service to anyone else.

So how do you handle this? How can you “be there” for a friend without drowning in her drama, however unfortunate her situation may be? In a word — boundaries. A word we are all familiar with but not always adept at implementing. 

Why do we have a hard time with boundaries? Many of us, especially women, were raised to be people-pleasers and caregivers. It can take a decent amount of undoing learned behavior. If you set a boundary, you are not a bitch. Nor are you responsible for her reaction to that boundary. I have said this before when discussing boundary-setting and it rings true here too…

PLEASE, don’t ever apologize for asking someone else to respect your boundary.

You can set that boundary with compassion and kindness. Something along the lines of: “I know you are really struggling, and I wish there were more that I could do, but I need to take care of my family and responsibilities right now.” 

If she sulks and lashes out, ignore it. If she then comes back with apologies, you can set a new boundary. Something along the lines of, “I understand that you get disappointed when I can’t be there for you in the way that you want me to, but I can’t accept this pattern of lashing out at me and apologizing repeatedly. It’s not healthy for either one of us. If you can’t respect that, I can’t be in your life. I care for you and want to be your friend, but I don’t want us to be stuck in an unhealthy   cycle.” 

If you don’t set those boundaries, you will need up resenting her. Plus, you’re not helping her by not setting limits. 

Lastly, if this seems like a pattern for you with friends, you should address this issue in therapy or a support group like CoDA or Al-Anon. 

Get those boundaries up!

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Citrine, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

My Sister's Boyfriend Is Coming Between Us

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Dear Erin, 

I recently moved in with my sister — per her request — from another state. I had heard about her boyfriend, who didn’t sound all that great to begin with, and over the holidays I met him. 

Christmas Day, after only knowing me about a week, he gave me a $100 gift card secretly because he didn’t want her knowing about it. That night, he sent me a text message saying “sweet dreams.”

I told my sister about it, and they got into a fight, and they broke up. He continued to try to hit me up all the time, despite the fact that I ignored him. He even invited me to move in with him. 

And yes my sister knew all about this. 

I eventually blocked his number thinking he was a total scumbag. Three months went by, and I thought my sister was doing well and getting over him until she tells me she’s meeting him for dinner! 

I bluntly asked, “you’re not getting back together with him, are you?”

She said she didn’t know. Of course, I laid into her and told her he was nothing but a scumbag and that she deserves better. 

So she went to dinner with him, and when she came home, I inquired if she was going to get back with him. She said she needed to think about it but that she didn’t want to talk about what happened. 

I am so livid with her that she has such low self-confidence and esteem that she would consider getting back with the scumbag that tried to pick up on her sister! 

What do I do from now on since they are obviously getting back together? 

I have no desire to hear about him from her from now on.

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A.

Ugh, you are in an unfortunate position with this one. It can be painful to watch people we love stay in or return to unhealthy relationships. I have been there. 

I have also been your sister, the one returning to a toxic relationship, ignoring the advice and truth coming from my loved ones. 

So what can you do? 

First, although it sounds like you have already voiced your concerns, set up a time to have a heart-to-heart conversation with your sister about the facts.

The facts are this man has hit on you, lied to her, and has been generally super sketchy.You can emphasize the facts, without adding on your own emotions connected to it.

She will be more likely to hear you if you can refrain from making statements that come across as being judgmental. 

Rather than evaluating her self-esteem and confidence, focus on statements that reaffirm her good qualities and what she deserves in a partner. Ask her if she would want a partner like him for you, her sister. Chances are, she would not. 

I am hoping that she hears you, and if she does, offer her healthy support and encourage her to seek it, as well. 

Therapy, if she’s open to it, is an excellent idea, as there may be things she is more receptive to hearing from an objective third party, than from her sister. 

Sometimes, our relationships with the people we are closest with are the most complicated, and that can prevent us from hearing them with clarity. Therapists provide the kind of voice that is not muddied by a long and emotional history.

If she remains unreceptive, you need to determine and then set boundaries you are comfortable with. You can’t force her to see this guy for who he is. You can’t stop her from being with him. 

But you can be in charge of what contact you have with him and their relationship. 

It’s reasonable to set boundaries around having him in your shared living space and discussing their relationship. You can set these boundaries while still letting her know that you love her and will be there for her, but that this is what you are or aren’t comfortable with. 

Lastly, if you find that you have difficulty setting boundaries with her, it would help to speak with a therapist yourself. That type of guidance can keep us level-headed when dealing with our closest family members. Best of luck to you!

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent,

what I’m watching,what I’m reading,Aquamarine, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

Did I Commit Marital Rape?

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

rape

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Hello Erin,

My wife and I have been married for almost ten years. 

The other night we drank a lot. While sitting on the couch, she asked me to put on some pornography for us to watch. I found something to put on the TV and then things started getting hot and heavy on the couch. 

I don't really remember too much between the couch and the bed, vaguely remember turning off the TV. I came to the bedroom with the light still on, and she was naked on the bed. I got naked too and climbed on top of her and made a really stupid decision to try and have anal sex with her. 

Upon entering her, she rears up and asks me what the f*ck I am doing. The realization of what she was saying was like being hit with a bucket of cold water in that she was saying that I was raping her. 

I'm immediately remorseful of the action I've committed whether I was under the influence or not. 

In high school, she had a rape experience where she was drugged and sexually assaulted against her will.

I've been beating myself over the past few days, and my wife — who I love, respect, and can't live without — can’t look at me or speak to me. 

Is what I did the same thing that happened to her in high school? 

I've talked with friends and family, and I can't get through to her, so I think the next best option is therapy for both of us. 

What's your opinion and how do you think I should move forward?

Thanks.

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A.

I appreciate you writing in to ask this question. 

So often we think about consent in terms of people we are getting to know. But the consideration (and nuances) of consent don’t go away in a long-term relationship. 

Clear consent with a spouse or partner is as important as it is the first time you’re intimate with someone. 

And it’s easy to forget that when you’ve grown to be comfortable with someone. But it is still necessary. Why? Because your spouse is a human being, not a robot.

Something she enjoyed yesterday may not feel right today.

One thing that was not clear to me in your email was whether you stopped what you were doing when she responded the way she did. My read on this as that you did, but are nonetheless aware that you shouldn’t have forged ahead into anal sex in sneaky mode. Assuming you did stop, then no, I don’t think that what you did is the same thing that happened to her in high school. But…

It is your responsibility to work with your wife on establishing sexual boundaries and being aware of what could trigger that past trauma for her. 

How you establish and communicate consent may look different in a marriage than a new relationship, but it is not any less crucial. A baseline model for consent in a relationship is asking your partner if what you are doing feels good for them AND checking in before a jump forward — do you want to have sex/ anal sex/ oral sex/ etc. 

Your instinct to seek couple’s therapy is spot on. 

You need the help of a professional to guide you to both better decision making and communication. 

I also encourage you to open up the communication with your wife, when she is ready to do so, to talk about what would make her feel safe again sexually, what acts are strictly off the table, and if you need a safe word to use in the heat of the moment if there are things that she may like but not always be up for. 

A note about the intoxicated factor… I have a general opinion when it comes to the fallout caused by alcohol or any mind-altering substances. If you behave ways when drunk/high that have negative consequences or are antithetical to who you are as a person, perhaps it’s time to evaluate your relationship with alcohol or substances. Just putting that out there as proverbial food for thought. 

Lastly, some homework for you to get started on right now by educating yourself about consent: 

• Project Consent

• Navigating Consent

• Learning Good Consent

• Asking For It - The Ethics & Erotics of Sexual Consent

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes.

If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Peridot, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

Am I Overreacting?

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Okay am I crazy or just whining? 

My husband's coworker is being weird, and I don't know what to do about it. 

I have social anxiety, and it messes with me sometimes in not knowing exactly what's normal social media/social phone behavior. 

Last month, my husband's new coworker sent him a picture of a positive pregnancy test and a sonogram. He was uncomfortable but congratulated her politely in the event that she either sent the text to the wrong person or was just really excited and sending it out to everyone in her contacts. 

Before we go down the rabbit hole, my husband isn't cheating on me. I'm 100% positive  — his phone is never locked, he doesn't have social media accounts, and is an anti-technology hiker hippie type. We have a side business that we run together, so it's not like he's gone for long periods of time with this coworker. He also works from home at least 1/2 the week.He's not close with her and doesn't hang out with his other coworkers. 

She does, however, keep sending him weekly updates from a pregnancy tracker. He texted her, clarifying that she might have the wrong number and asking her why she's sending him these texts, and she just sent him a heart emoji back. An acquaintance of ours knows her quite well and said she's "got terrible boundaries; watch out for that one."

When I was pregnant with our son, I didn't send people pictures of stuff I peed on, least of all a coworker I hardly know. 

I think he should quietly take it to their boss, who is a woman, but he's just paralyzed and uncomfortable. 

I'm getting really annoyed, but I don't know if I'm overreacting, just being a jealous child. Am I wrong to think that this is kind of fucked up?

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A.

Okay, it is odd that she is sending weekly pregnancy updates. 

Most likely, she is just one of those over-sharers. 

As you pointed out, it sounds highly unlikely that your husband is cheating on you with this woman, especially since he is sharing these texts with you.

If I were in his shoes, I would ignore the texts.I wouldn’t take this to my boss.She’s not sending him nude photos, she’s sending pregnancy updates, that she is likely sending to a whole group of people.

If it’s bothering him, he should set a boundary with her more directly. 

Rather than asking her why she’s sending them or if she has the wrong number, he should say directly something along the lines of: “I’m happy your pregnancy is moving along nicely, but I ask that you not send me weekly updates. It feels a little too personal coming from a co-worker.” 

We are often remiss in setting boundaries because we are worried about hurting the other person’s feelings. But we are doing them a disservice. Further, we are doing ourselves a disservice. 

If you set a boundary with language that is clear but kind, the way the other person reacts is not your business. 

You are not responsible for, nor can you control other people’s behavior. 

Now, I get that you’re bothered. However, I don’t think I would qualify her behavior as fucked up. In your shoes, I would urge your husband to set the boundary mentioned above and then let it go. If it continues and escalates with more personal texts, you can always text her back from your husband’s phone and set that boundary. BUT, it’s really his responsibility. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m reading, what I’m eating, Chalcopyrite , or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

My Friend Always Has To Get Her Way

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Dear Erin,

My problem is that I have a friend that always gets her way. 

If she wants pizza, we all go to eat pizza. If she wants to invite us to her house, we go to her house. 

She always makes the plans, and they work. But when I want to set a plan, they never work. 

She always has an excuse. All our interests that she doesn't share are boring or stupid for her. Like, we all have to agree to watch an orchestra concert, but she never agrees on going outside dancing. She wants us in her house, but she'll never go to visit me at my house. 

She wants things done HER way, and if somebody else comes with another idea, she screws it up.

How can I stop her from doing this?

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: How Do I Support A Friend I Can't Trust? 

A.

We all have one of these friends. Heck, at some point, some of us have been that friend.

Like most problems with personal relationships in life, this is all about boundaries. 

First, let’s address your actual question: “How can I stop her from doing this?”

We can’t control other people. There is nothing you can do to stop her from behaving how she has been behaving. BUT, you can change your behavior. 

When one person changes their behavior in a dysfunctional situation, it forces the other person to do the same.

For starters, be direct with her. Say this: “I’ve noticed that you always take the reins by making plans. I have planned this (fill in the blank).” 

If she protests or says it’s “boring” or stupid,” say: “Don’t feel obligated to join us, but we hope you do.” 

By taking charge in this way, you are setting a boundary. If she tries to engage further, just end the conversation. 

From your email, it’s indicated that she is like this with your entire friend group, I think it’s best to get this all out in the open with them as well — not as a means to gang up on her, but if you all change this dynamic, she will be forced to change…

or walk away which doesn’t sound like the worst thing if she acts like a tyrant all the time.

Life is too short to put up with adults who tantrum when they don’t get their way.

If this opens up a conversation, share your feelings with her. I have found that being direct (while remaining kind about it) is the most clear-cut path to remedying tension or awkwardness. 

As we enter a new year, I hope you implement these changes. You will ALL be a lot happier, even your bossy friend. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m listening to, what I’m watching, Black Tourmaline, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

I Don't Want My Mom Smoking Around My Son

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

My mother is an unapologetic heavy smoker and has been literally my entire life because she brags about smoking while pregnant with my brother and I and that we're "fine." 

We're not fine. We've both had extreme upper respiratory issues our entire lives; allergies, asthma, pneumonia, COPD, bronchitis, sinus problems, you name it, we have had it or still do. Both of us were hospitalized with URIs or pneumonia as children multiple times. 

My 26-year-old brother who is otherwise active and healthy has COPD and now needs a CPAP machine to sleep. I've had some terrifying chest x-rays thankfully come back clear but still, being 29 and told I might have lung cancer after never smoking at all in my life pisses me off. After years of begging her to quit, helping her try to quit, I know not to have the supportive quit conversation with her anymore as she'll just blow up about it.

When my son was born I made it clear that she couldn't smoke around me at all anymore, period. 

Not in my house, my car, or on my property and that she couldn't smoke around my son.She took it as a personal attack and didn't see my son until he was almost ten months old.  

My sister-in-law is pregnant with their first kid, and she's a huge people pleaser. My brother put down the same rules: no smoking at all around them or the baby anymore; his wife says it's fine for her to smoke, that she doesn't mind it. It's their marriage and their issue to figure out.

I'm not looking to start a huge family rift — I know that I have a lot of anger towards my mother, who for all accounts, was a great parent except for the frequently exposing her kids to carcinogens part. I am willing to spend time with her — if she's not smoking around my son or me. With the holidays coming up it's uncomfortable to see how much my mom has made herself unwelcome by smoking; a lot of relatives and friends have put their foot down with her and smoking in their homes.  

I don't want her to be alone for the holidays, but I also can't put my son's health at risk, or my own anymore. 

I want to spend time with my brother and his family, but not if my mom is there and killing three packs in five hours.

Help?

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A.

I am so very sorry that your mom willfully put your health and your brother’s health at risk for so long. While I know that previous generations may not have known better, the information has been out there long enough that your mother chose cigarettes over the health of her child. 

An adult has every right to smoke. Fine. But putting other people at risk, ESPECIALLY KIDS, is wrong. 

Your son’s health, and yours for that matter, is far more important than your mother’s comfort. 

It is simple; she can spend time with you and your kid without cigarettes. If she needs a smoke break, she can go outside. That is a necessary and reasonable boundary. 

If she can’t respect that, she can’t be around your child.

As for the rest of your family, you have no control over the boundaries they set or their house rules. Ask your brother if he is going to allow your mom to smoke inside over the holidays. If the answer is yes, then you can make plans with him when she’s not there.

I know it’s hard to set these boundaries with parents, but you have to do what is right for you and your kid. 

As hard as it can feel to stick to the boundaries you’ve set, it’s far better than being put in a situation where your mother endangers your family. Sadly, you likely will not change your mom, but you can protect your health and the health of your child. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m listening to,what I’m watching, Herkimer Diamonds, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

My Mom Punched Holes In My Condoms

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Hi Erin,

I have a difficult relationship with my mother. A lot of people say "oh, haha, my parents are weird"  — but there's quirky and then there's mentally ill. I'm starting to think my mom has passed over from one to the other.

My wife is having some medical problems that we've chosen not to discuss in full with our families just yet, but it does involve my wife being on a medication that she 100% can't get pregnant on. 

We had to travel for one of her medical appointments and stayed in my mom's guest room to save money since our medical debt is piling up really fast. We would have stayed at a hotel but we've maxed out credit cards and were close to some major overdraft fees, that's how desperate we were for a free room for one night. Otherwise, we wouldn't have stopped. 

When we got back from my wife's appointment, I went to pack our things and caught my mom ruffling through my toiletries bag. My mom smiled and said she was going to surprise us and do our laundry and scuttled out of the room, which I thought was weird because she wasn't near our clothes. 

When we got home my wife was unpacking our bags and noticed the condoms we keep in the toiletries bag looked weird. 

We took a closer look, and they've all got holes in them. This was done with some serious finesse because I almost wouldn't have noticed. Thankfully my wife has an IUD, but this was really upsetting.

This kind of behavior and things like it have created a pattern, and I'm ready to end therelationship with my mother. My wife agrees, but we're both really close with my siblings and step-father. I discussed this with my sister, and she was horrified; my step-father said my mother'd been "off" lately but this isn't forgetting your keys, this is deliberate and malicious. 

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A.

Okay, you didn’t ask me a question per se, but I believe you wrote in because you are having a normal reaction to what your mom did — that reaction being WTF, MOM.

What your mom did was so wrong on oh so many levels. 

She violated your privacy, your wife’s health, and your ability to make choices. Why did she do it? Maybe she thinks what she did was right in her quest to push you towards giving her a grandchild (which is so messed up). Maybe she has mental health issues going on or some sort of dementia setting in. If it is a psychological or medical issue, the family should help get to the bottom of this. 

While it is important to understand why she did it, that doesn’t mean you can’t set a boundary with her. In fact, you should set a boundary with her. 

I have this discussion a lot with people in the column and IRL. Setting boundaries with family members, especially parents can be challenging. But you owe yourself and your wife healthy boundaries, even with your mother. 

When people have crossed a boundary sneakily, as your mom did, the best remedy is to be direct about it. 

Get it out in the open. Let your mom know that you are aware of what she did, tell her how you feel about it, and establish a boundary for your relationship. You and your wife can decide to what degree you want to let your mom into your life. 

And whatever boundary you set with her is for her alone. Be clear and direct with your siblings and step-father as well about the boundaries you set. Don’t let things be murky or vague. 

My hunch is that something is going on with your mom, mentally or physically, if others are noticing she if “off.” As a family, this needs to be addressed. 

If I were in your shoes, I would have a conversation with my mother, preferably in person, and ask her to see a doctor about what you are all noticing. 

Come from a place of love rather than an accusation; you can do this with kindness and still set that boundary.

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m listening to, what I’m watching, Dioptase, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

Should I Stop Giving Unsolicited Advice?

This article first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Heyo Erin,

How much sage advice is too much sage advice?

I am the "advice columnist" of my friends' group.

I have been in therapy for years over my non-existent self-esteem, which contributed to a slew of depression, anxiety, and codependency problems that I now know the answer to.

I have slept with nearing 100 dudes and some babes (self-esteem of a napkin...remember?), so there's nothing sexually I haven't encountered.

I'm a starving artist, so I've held over 20 jobs...blue collar/office/arts/marketing. 

I've had 2,000 friends on Facebook at times (I culled it down to 400 for health reasons), so I always have a lead or a contact for a friend, whether they want to adopt a hairless cat or find business partners for a consulting firm.

Lastly, I have rampant ADHD, a loud mouth, and freakishly fast cognitive reasoning, so if a friend expresses ANY kind of problem I usually instantly scream the answer at them like a cocky drunken 411 app without thinking of their feelings or the consequences.

I know the moody boys that I skateboard with all have warnings about me like I'm some kind of voodoo witch who's "only tryin' to get in your head" from the amount of times I have played freelance hot-guy therapist. Funny enough they still ALWAYS slide into my DMs with the heavy shit. I never hunt for problems...I've seen 'fixers' in group therapy.

How much helping is too much helping? 

(Keep in mind, I'll move apartments for pizza, and I am fostering some friends' dogs ATM so I am not *just* obsessed with fiddling with other people's mental health…it's just my strong suit.)

Can I keep giving out spoons if I have an endless supply? (I'm not burnt out or tired, and I love taking self-care time.)

What are some personality traps I should look out for in myself?

Thanks,
Helplessly Helpful

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A.

Dear Helplessly Helpful,

As someone who gives advice on the regular, both in this column and IRL, I know how natural it can feel to have the answers, lend a hand, and give support all the time. But there are a couple of things that struck me that I think you need to consider and look out for. 

Good advice is solicited. 

When you’re used to being the one people come to, it can be really easy to dole the advice out, even when no one asked for it. Initially, you might think, That’s not me! I only give advice when asked. But is that true? You said in your email, “… if a friend expresses ANY kind of problem I usually instantly scream the answer at them like a cocky drunken 411 app without thinking of their feelings or the consequences.” 

That leads me to believe that there have been consequences, there have been hurt feelings. I think it's important that you recognized this. I mean, you wouldn’t be reaching out to me if you didn’t think there was an issue, right? Although you might not be “hunting for problems,” you may be too quick on the draw to tell people what they might not be ready to hear. 

Sometimes, the kindest thing to do when someone has a problem is to listen. 

And I would venture to guess that there are times when your friends just need to vent, to have a sympathetic ear while they work the problem out for themselves. I know that’s worked for me many times — once I started talking out what the problem was, I could see the solution for myself. I just needed a conversation, not advice. 

Another thing that stuck out to me in your email is that you wrote out a rapid-fire list of all the reasons you give advice. And I get it. My tagline is “She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to!” BUT, I also know enough to know that I don’t have all the answers. 

As an advice-giver, I look at what I do as guiding people to truths they already know. 

I help them find the answers themselves. I tell them what I would do, but encourage them to look to their intuition. 

It concerned me when you said, “I have been in therapy for years over my non-existent self-esteem which contributed to a slew of depression, anxiety, and codependency problems that I now know the answer to.” 

I believe we spend a lifetime (or lifetimes) figuring out those answers. I sure don’t have the key to understanding my depression. Sure, I have tools I didn’t have before. I can see things I couldn’t see before. But, I’m a work in progress. And so are you. 

My advice (since you asked) is that you need to slow down. 

You don’t have to have it all figured out. You don’t have to know all the answers and solve everything for everyone all the time. Listen. Listen to your friends. If they ask for advice, give it thoughtfully. 

And please, don’t kid yourself, no one has an endless supply of “spoons” to give. I know you’re coming from a good place, but consider this… maybe all this focus on being the “perfect” friend who gives advice and fosters dogs and helps people move and has all the answers…maybe that’s all because you’ve yet to learn how to sit quietly with yourself. I say this with love, not judgment. You are undoubtedly well-intentioned, but this is what my intuition tells me. 

To put it another way, pretend you're me; what would you tell you? 

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The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I'm not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I've gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, what’s getting me through Mercury Retrograde, Bixbite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo