Ask Erin: My Wife Lied To Me About Being On Birth Control

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

I don't even know where to start or how to say this. 

My wife is lying to me about using birth control.

We're pregnant with our fourth child even though my wife said she had an IUD placed after the birth of our third child. We've had a baby a year for the last four years, give or take, and I can't catch my breath. 

We discussed and had agreed after our third child that our family was complete, and I was very willing, still am, to schedule a vasectomy. She was hesitant and blew up at me when I brought it up again and said she'd get an IUD instead.

I believe very strongly that only she has the right to make choices about her body, but IUD family planning was her idea, something she researched and said she was comfortable with and that she preferred to other methods. Even so, our third and fourth children have been "surprises" from failed birth control. I feel manipulated, depressed, and exhausted. This is the first time I've ever really admitted this, even though I think I've always known.

Since it's tax season, I needed to get our insurance paperwork together for my reimbursement plan, and there is no record of my wife getting an IUD. When I asked her about getting the office visit and pharmacy record for reimbursement, she told me it "fell out" and that she was pregnant with our 4th child. If it fell out, there should still be reimbursement documentation from the pharmacy and the doctor's office.

I'm making a lot of sacrifices while my wife's life hasn't changed much. 

I took a job with better pay but a terrible commute and an awful culture to bring in more money. I do pre-school runs, and my parents provide child care for free. I make breakfast, do bath time, storytime, bedtime, and all the in-betweens, doctor's appointments, and working with our firstborn's occupational therapists. My wife has never even met with our son's OT and learning assistance team. I pick the kids up from my parent's house after work even though my wife gets out of work three hours before I do, goes in later than I do, and works ten minutes from home while I have a very long commute. 

She gets frustrated having to parent while I try to get dinner started and then furious with me that I don't "pitch in enough.” I do the dishes, the laundry, the lunch packing, the playdates, the birthday parties, and holiday plans. I’m up at night feeding, I'm potty training, changing sheets, diapers, PJs. I'm doing all of it. I'm the picture-perfect modern woke dad. 

My wife doesn't even have car seats in her car. I can't remember the last time she spent any time with the kids without me, and she sleeps with earbuds in.

I love my kids, but my wife is not being honest with me about family planning and has just checked out of being a parent. I mentioned getting a vasectomy again, and she got furious, saying that she has the right to decide when we're done having kids. 

I feel like she just likes the attention of being pregnant but doesn't like being a parent. 

She didn't speak to me for a week when I said I didn't want to participate in a big social media pregnancy photoshoot and reveal. The only time she spends with our kids is when she's posing them for pictures on Instagram or Facebook. 

I haven't had an hour to myself in years. I don't know the last time I had a full night's sleep. I work, and I parent, that's all I do. My wife has hobbies and girls trips with her friends, movie nights with her sisters, "mom only" spa days.

This whole thing makes me feel gross and lost and manipulated, and I don't know what to do.

A.

I have two kids—a toddler and a teenager. My husband and I both work and share kid duties. And I am EXHAUSTED. It is not surprising to me that you feel that way too. Adding to this, an unequal partnership and lack of transparency from your wife, and your feelings seem quite valid to me. 

Lying about contraception and reproductive decisions in a partnership is not okay; it’s reproductive coercion. 

Reproductive coercion, as defined by the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, “involves behavior intended to maintain power and control in a relationship related to reproductive health by someone who is, was, or wishes to be involved in an intimate or dating relationship with an adult or adolescent. This behavior includes explicit attempts to impregnate a partner against her will, control outcomes of a pregnancy, coerce a partner to have unprotected sex, and interfere with contraceptive methods.”

The term is often used to describe ways in which cishet men perpetrate this type of abuse against cishet women. But this is not gender-exclusive behavior. 

While your wife may not be physically coercing you into sex, she is eliminating you from reproductive decision making.

Based on everything you wrote in your email, I would feel depressed and manipulated, too. 

With three kids and another on the way, it is imperative that you get some outside help here. And by outside help, I don’t mean a nanny. I mean a therapist. This level of dishonesty speaks to a more significant issue within your marriage. Marriage counseling seems like a must. And, I suggest you seek individual therapy as well. This is very tricky territory, with boundaries and honesty, and I think this is best unraveled with the help of a professional.

In the meantime, in a neutral moment, sit your wife down and write out a plan for dividing the childcare duties. 

Be direct and calm about how much you are struggling. Maybe by writing it all down, it will become clearer on just where the bulk of the workload has been falling. Perhaps she really feels that you’re not pitching in as much as you are. By getting things down on paper, it will feel less personal and more objective. 

Please, please, please, get some professional guidance from a therapist. If this marriage is going to survive, this dynamic has to change. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Amblygonite, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called STRUNG OUT: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, and it’s on sale now! 

Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: My Girlfriend Doesn't Trust Me Because Of My Past

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

My girlfriend doesn’t trust me because of my past.

So I slept with a married man. I knew he was married. He kept pursuing me. I kept turning him down. Then one night, I decided to try it out with him. 

That was well over a year ago. Now I’m in a relationship, and my partner does not trust me. 

She says it’s because of the choices I made in the past. But I have not given her any reason not to trust me now. 

Is there something I can do to change how she feels about me?

A.

Trust is essential for a healthy partnership. 

Certainly, trust is earned, but I believe that trust also requires a leap of faith.

Even the ones we know best, the ones who love us, are capable of letting us down, are capable of breaking that trust. That’s where that leap of faith comes in. 

We all come into relationships with lived experiences. Maybe we regret some of them. But what can you do now, other than learn and grow? 

For this relationship to work, your partner is going to have to accept your past because there is nothing you can do to change it. 

I have been in relationships with partners who didn’t trust me, sometimes, often with good reason. And it makes it difficult to have any semblance of a healthy relationship. 

In reverse, I have been the one who couldn’t trust, even when there was no reason for me not to trust. Why? Because I didn’t trust myself. 

When we don’t have self-trust, it makes it near impossible to trust anyone else.

It sounds like this is going on with your partner. Your past makes her nervous. It triggers the underlying fears there that you will hurt her. Particularly when we’ve had past trauma, anything resembling a red flag can set our brains to work, protecting us from getting hurt again. 

Now you’ve asked if there’s something you can do to change how she feels? 

Truthfully, I don’t know. What you can do is ask her. And ask her if there is anything you’re doing now that sets off that trigger. Maybe it’s something she would be willing to address and work on in therapy. 

If she is unable to move beyond your past, I don’t think this relationship will work. I think you’ll find yourself having the same circular arguments over and over. Have an open conversation with her and see if she is willing to move past this.

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Dravite Tourmaline, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called STRUNG OUT: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, and it’s on sale now!  

Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: I Have Relationship Doubts Because My Boyfriend Comments On My Body

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

I have been with my boyfriend for over two years. At the start of our relationship, I was dealing with anorexia and bulimia. Since then, I have recovered and currently weigh 15-20kg more than what I weighed at the start of the relationship. 

I thought he didn’t mind, but a couple of months ago, I joked around saying, “oh, you love my tummy now.”

In response, he said, “I’m not gonna lie and say I love it.” 

That really took me back because I know I am bigger, but I am healthier now. I’ve recently slowly started getting back into exercise (took me a while because I was addicted during my eating disorder). He is constantly saying “oooh you’re gonna be skinny” or questioning what days I’ll be training etc. 

Because of all this, the last couple of months, I’m uncomfortable having sex, and my sex drive is little to none.

I have doubts about our relationship. 

I’m scared to bring it up with him because I don’t want to make him feel bad, but I don’t know what to do? I just need some clarity because I haven't told anyone about this. :( 

Thank you in advance.

 A.

I can understand why you haven’t told anyone about this. 

You haven’t told anyone because you know, in your heart, that his comments are toxic, and anyone who loves you would see that, too. 

This is a common phenomenon. I’ve done it. Most of us have done it. We minimize or omit the parts of our relationships that reveal what’s unhealthy, toxic, or even abusive. 

No one should be commenting on your body. No one. And yes, he’s been conditioned in the same ways we all have—skinny is better, sexier, healthier. That’s a lie. 

Your body is sexy and healthy and beautiful TODAY. 

You have doubts about your relationship? I have doubts about it too. It’s extra concerning to me that he is keeping tabs on your exercise schedule. That’s another huge red flag. It’s controlling and not the behavior of a supportive partner. It’s the opposite of supportive. 

It does not surprise me that you don’t feel comfortable having sex with him. And truthfully, he doesn’t deserve getting pleasure from your body. 

Please don’t worry about making him feel bad by speaking to him about this. In the best-case scenario, he is unaware of how his words affect you. If we give him the benefit of the doubt, tell him why it bothers you, and further, why we don’t comment on other people’s bodies in general. 

If he cares for you, he will listen, he will learn, he will change his behavior. But if he does not, dump him. 

You don’t deserve this. 

Lastly, relationships, in general, can be huge triggers, let alone when there is a dialogue that directly reinforces the thinking patterns that get us into trouble. This is a time to make extra space for taking care of your mental health. 

I want to make sure that you are getting the support you need for your ED. 

If you can speak with a therapist about it, I encourage you to do so. Support groups like the 12-step programs EDA (Eating Disorders Anonymous) and ABA (Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous) have many online meetings that you can access today. And I think it’s essential to open up to the people you love and trust in your life. I know for me, when I am in a slippery place mentally, the act of telling someone that alleviates so much of the feeling that I am drowning in it. You are not alone, and you don’t have to go through this alone. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Anyolite, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called STRUNG OUT: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, and it’s on sale now!

Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: My Wife Wants A Polyamorous Relationship & I Don’t

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

My wife wants to try a polyamorous relationship, and I don’t.

So my wife and I have been married for three years now we have a two-year-old daughter. Since before we got together, she says she has been thinking about this and had continued to think about it when we started dating and after we got married. 

A while back, I had opened up to her that I feel I might be trans. 

She has been very supportive as I try to figure myself out. She is now comparing her situation with mine. 

I love my wife with all my heart, and I love our family. I just can’t seem to bring myself to be okay with this right now. I told her to give me time to think about it. I’m trying to see the good about it all but also want time to see what the bad could be. 

Thinking about the fact that she would be out having sex with some guy, then coming home to me is not okay with me. 

She goes to school in the mornings, and I work evenings. We don't get to see each other much as is. So when I have a day off, and she's not in a class, I like to be able to spend that time together. I also don't think I'm okay with having our daughter around someone else. 

I mean, I do feel like I'm lacking an emotional connection with her since we are so busy all the time. But I'm trying as hard as I can. I can’t take the possibility of our child lacking any emotional connection with either of her mothers. She tells me every time we talk about it that I'm not supporting her. 

I need advice.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Does My Boyfriend Want A Polyamorous Relationship? 

A.

I get variations of the polyamory question quite frequently. And it’s invariably some version of one partner wanting to open the marriage up to polyamory and one partner wanting to remain monogamous. Neither of you is wrong for what you want out of the relationship. But I think you need to be clear with one another about expectations and boundaries. 

Before opening up your relationship, the two of you need to agree on what that looks like. 

There is a difference between polyamory and an open relationship. While they are both consensual forms of non-monogamy, there is a difference. Generally speaking, an open relationship implies a primary relationship (as in you and your wife) that allows for sex outside of that relationship. Polyamory is usually defined as having more than one romantic relationship at the same time. 

These are two very different scenarios. It’s not entirely clear to me from your email which type of non-monogamy your wife is interested in pursuing. But, it doesn’t sound like you’re ready to take that leap either way. 

What won’t work is you acquiescing to something that feels wrong for you. 

In your email, you mentioned that you wouldn’t be okay with her having sex with some guy and then coming home to you, nor would you be okay with having your daughter introduced to another partner. You have your answer right there; this is not something you want to participate in, at least not today. 

Your wife compared her situation to you grappling with your identity as possibly being trans. While it may be an unfair comparison, it sounds like what she is struggling with is monogamy and perhaps her identity as a wife. At the same time, being supportive of her doesn’t mean you shelve your own very valid feelings. 

Before any changes to the marriage occur, I strongly suggest seeking the guidance of a therapist. Ideally, you would do so individually and as a couple. I think you need the time and space to work out your feelings of possibly being trans as well as what you want and need from your relationship, as well as what you can give. 

While it can be scary to get honest about your needs and boundaries, it is essential for your relationship to survive and thrive.

Neither of you is going to be happy pretending in your relationship. I am hopeful that with honest and open communication, you can arrive in a place of understanding, one that will lead you to take the right next steps, either together or separately. I hope that you can work things out, especially as you have a child together. That said, life is too short to remain in a marriage pretending that you’re okay with an arrangement that is actually making you miserable. If you find yourself at an impasse, honor your feelings. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Pink Tourmaline, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: My Boyfriend Blocked Me On Social Media For Stalking Him

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin, 

I am having some really challenging issues in my love life. 

I have been with this guy for almost two years now. The first year we were in the same city, and the second year he moved to another city for a job which is like a four hour drive. 

Things were going fine until the point when he started making new friends in that city. 

I have to agree I am quite insecure about things in general. He didn't tell me initially that he made friends to avoid any kind of fights, and I found out about this by stalking him on apps like Venmo and Facebook. 

He told his friends about me. To make me feel less insecure, he even put his WhatsApp with me, but since I stalk him a lot, he blocked me on Facebook and Instagram, which bothered me a lot. 

I can't stop stalking him again and again by making fake accounts, using friends’ accounts, and things like that. 

So I think this stalking habit is making things worse for both of us. My boyfriend is someone who is private about things and someone who doesn't like to be told what to do and what not to do. Because of this stalking thing, whenever I see that he posted something or followed someone, I can’t control myself — confronting him about this, asking him about it — which makes things so messy. He ends up being furious about it and shutting me out for days. 

He keeps telling me that he won’t do anything wrong, but he doesn't want me on his social media until he is sure that I don't stalk him. 

All these things really bug me a lot, and I don't know what to do because talking with him doesn't help.

Can you please suggest me something to get over this problem?

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Is My Depression Pushing My Boyfriend Away?

A.

Yours is a question that I get quite frequently. Social media stalking is, unfortunately, a common behavior when someone is not feeling secure in a relationship. 

I have seen this happen many times. Insecurity is present, social media stalking ensues, it pushes your partner away, and the insecurity grows. I know this feels like it’s about your relationship, and it may well be. The thing is whether he has done things to prompt this insecurity, or it’s self-manufactured is irrelevant. 

This is a decidedly unhealthy cycle you’re in, and getting to the bottom of it is imperative for your mental health. 

I strongly suggest seeking the help of a therapist to get a clearer picture of what’s happening here. From what you mentioned in your email, it sounds like you’ve expressed your insecurities, and he has mostly responded/taken actions designed to make you feel at ease. I can understand why your boyfriend is feeling frustrated by your behavior. That said, your gut keeps putting up red flags. 

Your intuition is telling you that something about the relationship is not working for you, even if he has done nothing wrong. 

Maybe a long-distance relationship is just not right for you; maybe he is not right for you. And that’s okay. Neither of you has to be doing anything wrong for the fit to be off. In my experience, if there are continual bumps like this in a relationship, even if they seem irrational or illogical, they are indicative of the relationship just not working. 

As I said, therapy would be so beneficial for you to sort out what is really going on. There are also support groups like CoDA (12-step program aimed at addressing compulsive dysfunctional relationship behaviors). The more you take the focus off of what he is doing and on to what you can control, the better off you will be. It’s not healthy for you or your relationship to waste time and energy stalking him on social media. 

Who would you be without stalking him?

When you feel compelled to start investigating every Venmo transaction or Instagram comment, take a moment, and choose another action. Pick up a book, watch TV, write, go for a walk, meditate. Commit to choosing another activity for 10 minutes. When that 10 minutes is up, commit to another ten minutes and so on. 

Obsessive behaviors like this are often rooted in the ritual of repetition, and we have to make decisions to change those patterns actively. Try that technique for the immediate and, longterm, work to get at the root of all that insecurity. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Malachite (my fave), or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more... xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: Is My Depression Pushing My Boyfriend Away?

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Dear Erin,

I’m concerned my boyfriend is backing away because of my depression.

I have depression, and my boyfriend and I have been dating for a year now. He has said before that my depression worries him because of his last girlfriend, who had depression. She didn't do anything about it and treated him badly.

I have, at times, mistreated him due to letting my depression (and the anger it has caused) take over. 

He has addressed it with me, and I see where he is coming from. I needed to hear it so I could adjust how I react and behave when I feel it gets the best of me. I have been seeing a therapist for the last two months, and I have made huge improvements. 

I still have bad days, especially when life events stress me out, that are again mine to take care of. Things like that fuel my depression, and I have an initial moment of breakdown before I calm and come up with a way to fix it.

I would like to talk to him about it, so I am not only talking to my therapist. I am scared to do so because I am afraid he will shut down on me or think I am taking it out on him or even expecting him to fix it for me. 

I know that all my problems are mine to fix. 

All I have ever wanted from him was support, comfort, and knowing he is there for me. 

But I don't know how to approach this with him. Please help.

You Might Also Like: When Your Addiction And Depression Are In A Codependent Relationship

A.

I understand both your position and your boyfriend’s. 

For many years, my mental health issues went mostly unchecked. My coping mechanisms—drugs, cheating, spending money, pushing people away—were toxic and destructive. Even as I began to undo my years of crappy learned behavior, I struggled. 

It’s an awful feeling to know that you’re acting out—sabotaging, misdirecting your anger and sadness—but incapable of stopping yourself. I remember that feeling well. 

I am happy to read that you have been seeing a therapist and working on your mental health. Our mental health is not our fault, but it is our responsibility. And you are taking care of yourself in significant ways, not just for your relationship, but, more importantly, for your happiness and stability. 

One thing that gives me pause here—you mentioned that you wanted to be able to speak to your boyfriend about what you’re struggling with so that you’re not only talking to your therapist. I think you need to get clear with yourself about your expectations. 

While you should certainly feel like you can speak with your partner about what’s going on in your life, don’t make your boyfriend your therapist. 

Your therapist is there to process and work through your mental health issues with you. I think that it puts undue pressure on a relationship to expect our significant other to take on that role. Again, you shouldn’t hide what’s going on with you, but leave the heavy lifting to your therapist. 

I also find that my husband and I are both happier (and I am more satisfied) when I turn to my friends with the day to day problems. So if you’re looking for that extra support, lean on your friends rather than your romantic partner. 

I hope that you understand that I am not suggesting your partner be left out of what’s happening in your life, or that you shouldn’t want or need love and support. But, from my experience, my relationship suffers when I look to my partner for answers that I need to figure out on my own, or with friends or a therapist. 

You have no control over his reactions or how he responds to your depression, but you do have control over how you take charge of your mental health. 

That’s important to remember. Will he back away because of your depression? I can’t answer that. If he does, it is not your fault; it’s not within your control. What is in your controller the actions you take to care for yourself. And that’s just what you’re doing. Recognize that. It’s a big deal, a positive one. Share your wins with your boyfriend. Let him know what’s working.

What’s awesome is that all the positive changes in your behavior will be evident. Might you still have bad days, backslides? Yes. Don’t beat yourself up over those moments, but continue to use the new tools you’re learning to regulate your emotions and move forward. That positive change in behavior is the best thing for all of your relationships, including this one. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Golden Yellow Topaz, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: My Boyfriend Keeps Commenting On My Body

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Dear Erin, 

I don’t know how to deal with my boyfriend’s comments about my body.

I’m in a long term relationship with a guy. He’s normally funny and sweet. I love him a lot and enjoy spending time with him. 

However, sometimes, when we are just chilling and cuddling, he will make comments about my body that seem to come out of nowhere. For example, the other day, he suggested that I should get breast implants. 

This upset me, and I told him so (I have no desire for plastic surgery, and my breasts are already DD naturally, which I’ve felt insecure about). He apologized, but later, a few days after, he did it again while we were intimate. 

I feel annoyed and ugly. 

I’m not sure what to say to get him to cut it out.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: I Have Never Felt Pretty

A.

Ugh. It infuriates me that your boyfriend is commenting on your body. And even more so since you told him how it makes you feel. 

This type of behavior is a form of gaslighting. 

It’s dealbreaker behavior. Even if we give him the benefit of the doubt — and he’s not consciously trying to undermine your confidence — this is a huge red flag. 

If you were my sister/friend/daughter, I would tell you to get out of this relationship. In my experience, this pattern of commenting on a partner’s appearance leads to more severe forms of gaslighting and controlling. I understand that this may seem like an extreme reaction, but it’s not. 

That said, there is a chance that you can correct course here, BUT only with some very clear boundaries AND I would recommend you see a couples’ counselor together. He must hear what you are saying, and sometimes an objective third party is the one who can help that happen. 

I’m going to tell you what I have told countless friends over the years… 

Don’t stay with someone who is almost right for you.

Yes, he may be funny and sweet, but do you really want to make a long-term commitment to someone who says things he knows are hurtful because he wants to change something about your breasts? I don’t like it at all. You deserve to be loved by someone who loves the breasts you have now. Because every body is a good body. 

As I said, at the very least, draw that line. Please don’t stay with someone who continually chips away at your self-esteem and ignores your feelings. You are worth so much more. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Fire Agate, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.