Ask Erin: My Wife Wants A Polyamorous Relationship & I Don’t

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

My wife wants to try a polyamorous relationship, and I don’t.

So my wife and I have been married for three years now we have a two-year-old daughter. Since before we got together, she says she has been thinking about this and had continued to think about it when we started dating and after we got married. 

A while back, I had opened up to her that I feel I might be trans. 

She has been very supportive as I try to figure myself out. She is now comparing her situation with mine. 

I love my wife with all my heart, and I love our family. I just can’t seem to bring myself to be okay with this right now. I told her to give me time to think about it. I’m trying to see the good about it all but also want time to see what the bad could be. 

Thinking about the fact that she would be out having sex with some guy, then coming home to me is not okay with me. 

She goes to school in the mornings, and I work evenings. We don't get to see each other much as is. So when I have a day off, and she's not in a class, I like to be able to spend that time together. I also don't think I'm okay with having our daughter around someone else. 

I mean, I do feel like I'm lacking an emotional connection with her since we are so busy all the time. But I'm trying as hard as I can. I can’t take the possibility of our child lacking any emotional connection with either of her mothers. She tells me every time we talk about it that I'm not supporting her. 

I need advice.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Does My Boyfriend Want A Polyamorous Relationship? 

A.

I get variations of the polyamory question quite frequently. And it’s invariably some version of one partner wanting to open the marriage up to polyamory and one partner wanting to remain monogamous. Neither of you is wrong for what you want out of the relationship. But I think you need to be clear with one another about expectations and boundaries. 

Before opening up your relationship, the two of you need to agree on what that looks like. 

There is a difference between polyamory and an open relationship. While they are both consensual forms of non-monogamy, there is a difference. Generally speaking, an open relationship implies a primary relationship (as in you and your wife) that allows for sex outside of that relationship. Polyamory is usually defined as having more than one romantic relationship at the same time. 

These are two very different scenarios. It’s not entirely clear to me from your email which type of non-monogamy your wife is interested in pursuing. But, it doesn’t sound like you’re ready to take that leap either way. 

What won’t work is you acquiescing to something that feels wrong for you. 

In your email, you mentioned that you wouldn’t be okay with her having sex with some guy and then coming home to you, nor would you be okay with having your daughter introduced to another partner. You have your answer right there; this is not something you want to participate in, at least not today. 

Your wife compared her situation to you grappling with your identity as possibly being trans. While it may be an unfair comparison, it sounds like what she is struggling with is monogamy and perhaps her identity as a wife. At the same time, being supportive of her doesn’t mean you shelve your own very valid feelings. 

Before any changes to the marriage occur, I strongly suggest seeking the guidance of a therapist. Ideally, you would do so individually and as a couple. I think you need the time and space to work out your feelings of possibly being trans as well as what you want and need from your relationship, as well as what you can give. 

While it can be scary to get honest about your needs and boundaries, it is essential for your relationship to survive and thrive.

Neither of you is going to be happy pretending in your relationship. I am hopeful that with honest and open communication, you can arrive in a place of understanding, one that will lead you to take the right next steps, either together or separately. I hope that you can work things out, especially as you have a child together. That said, life is too short to remain in a marriage pretending that you’re okay with an arrangement that is actually making you miserable. If you find yourself at an impasse, honor your feelings. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Pink Tourmaline, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: I Can't Handle The Sexual Dynamics Of My Relationship

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

So I have no idea what's wrong with me. 

I have a girlfriend, and we have a child together. 

I do truly love her and my son with all my heart, but I also feel like it’s not enough. 

I have had a seriously messed up past —  an abusive household and abandonment issues, to say the least. However, my true issues lie in my sexual desires. 

I am insatiable, I am a creature of passion and desire, and my girlfriend is, well, not. I can never get it out of my mind.

Am I a sex addict? Am I polyamorous? 

Why can’t I be happy with someone who cares about me even if the sex isn’t what I’d like? Or is this the relationship dynamic? 

I’m so lost and confused. She doesn’t deserve to be hurt. But does that mean I should just repress or swallow what I want? Any advice is appreciated.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: My Fiancé Feels Like A Roommate 

A.

It’s not uncommon in longterm relationships for one partner to have a higher sex drivethan the other. And there are absolutely ways to address this that can improve your relationship, beyond the bedroom. I don’t think you need to blow up your relationship to be happy here, nor do I think you need to repress your needs. We’ll get to that in a bit. However, I think it’s also essential to address one aspect of this that you brought up.

In your email, you questioned if you might be a sex addict.

Sexually compulsive behavior is prevalent among people who have had a history of abuse or abandonment. 

I am speaking from personal experience on this. Research has linked all sorts of compulsive and addictive behaviors to trauma. And abuse and abandonment lead to attachment issues. Feeling like you are constantly looking for sex may be a way of asserting control over that which felt out of control — secure attachments. I spent years disconnecting through sex. I was never satisfied. I often cheated. And those defense mechanisms to avoid getting hurt, avoid abandonment, hurt many people, especially me. 

I urge you to get some counseling to deal with this past abuse and abandonment. Even if they have nothing to do with your sexual dissatisfaction, there is a high likelihood that the past trauma is informing your behavior in current relationships, romantic and otherwise. Therapy can also help you sort out some of the questions you raised: Is this relationship-specific? Can you work with your partner on a solution? Is polyamory what would work for you, instead of monogamy?

Communication is key in a partnership, especially when it comes to physical intimacy. 

You didn’t mention if you have discussed this with your partner. Maybe she’s feeling unsatisfied, too. At the very least, you need to have a heart to heart about sex. You don’t have to lead with the fact that you’re frustrated. Instead, ask her what you can do to make sex more pleasurable for her.

Another aspect to consider — maybe the kid factor has put a wrench in things temporarily. Kids are draining, physically and emotionally. I know. I have them. We love them, but the energy they zap can make us feel decidedly unsexy. You might need to prioritize or schedule a time when you can reconnect before trying to be sexual. 

Try out some affection without sex as the end game. 

Sometimes, in a longterm relationship, the pressures around sex can make it feel like a chore rather than a pleasure. Take things back to the early days of dating. Allow yourself to get excited about getting excited about her again. And allow her to build that excitement too, and with you. Some ideas: a massage that doesn’t end in sex, taking a walk together and holding hands, making out without it leading to anything more. These sound basic, but they can help you find that spark again. Because even though your sex drive is high, something is amiss between the two of you. That’s not anyone’s fault, but keep an eye toward solutions rather than hoofing it out the door. 

If you find that the two of you are truly in different places with your sex drives or you’re questioning monogamy, please keep that line of communication open. And here’s where a therapist can be of great assistance to the two of you. 

You have a child together, and you love her; this is worth trying to fix. 

However you decide to proceed, please do so with transparency and honesty about what you want, what you need, and what you feel. And make that effort to find out what she wants and needs. You may be surprised at how far a little open communication can take you. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Petalite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly