Ask Erin: I Can't Get Over My Feelings For My Boss

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin!

Last year I got into a murky affair with a man I work with who's significantly older than me and has kids and a partner he only lives with because they have a five-year-old together. He told me he and his partner hate each other. However, he's having trouble separating from her because even though they're not married, she still legally has a chance at full custody of the child (and apparently she's not the compromising, negotiating kind).

Even though he told me they hadn't been together for years, and they were doing everything they could to separate, it still felt murky to me. It still felt like cheating. 

We had to meet in secret; it didn't feel right.

Anyway, for the first few months, I had constant doubts and often ended things, but then kept going back. He was always pursuing me, so it was easy to go back. But then a few months ago, I developed feelings for him (don't judge; I had my reasons for seeing him before then, too), and it felt like the moment I opened up to him, he closed off. He stopped replying to my texts, and when I asked him for an explanation, he told me his life was in chaos, and he was negotiating with lawyers all the time to escape his horrible situation. 

It felt like he needed space, so I gave him space. Since I'd never told him about my new feelings for him, when the school year started (we're teacher colleagues), I decided to tell him then in a short conversation and see where that went. I was ready to let go if he said he didn't. To make matters worse, they promoted him to be my boss.

Anyway, I told him, and his response was not what I expected. He told me he wanted to get to know me, and he kissed me. Then he went back to work, and I didn't get a text from him for three weeks. 

After three weeks, he took me aside at work to apologize and told me his life was in just too much chaos, and he couldn't take on a relationship with anyone at the moment. I told him, “no problem; I get it.” I did get it, and I really felt I could move on.

Unfortunately, a few weeks after this, I was in his office one time, and he tried to kiss me. No explanation, just like that. I didn't let him, but it was also obvious on my part that I wanted to. After this happened, and still no texts, no asking if I was free sometime outside of work, I wrote him an email. I told him I really did have feelings for him and cared about him, and if he felt the same, then I'd like him to share more about his life. I'd like to know about what he's going through. I'd even like to help. But if he doesn't, then please don't kiss me. I sent the letter two weeks ago, and no response. 

He told me at work he'd respond verbally, but I am not willing to hunt him down to get a response out of him. 

I know that if he doesn't reach out to me (which he hasn't), I should accept that as closure, but I seem to have trouble doing that. 

Even though I have done everything I could—he knows how I feel, and evidently, he doesn't feel the same—I still can't stop feeling sad about how a year ago he would text me every day, offer me a ride every day after work, pursue me constantly. Now he just treats me like any other colleague.

I know I should just move on, but I don't know how.

A.

The heart of your problem is in the last sentence of your email. You know you need to move on, but you don’t know how. 

The simplest (and most unsatisfying) answer to what it takes to get over someone is time. 

But, there are things you can do to hasten the process. 

 First, continually remind yourself of what you’re losing. The answer? Not a whole lot. Here’s a guy who is, at best, in the throes of a chaotic separation, one that is taking a whole lot longer than it should. What’s more likely is that he has not given you the truth, and he was outright cheating on his wife and lying to you about the status of their relationship.

It doesn’t surprise me in the least that he pulled back and stopped pursuing you when you opened up about your feelings. 

His behavior smacks of someone addicted to drama, addicted to the chase, addicted to wanting what he shouldn’t want or can’t have. I say this as someone who, when I was younger, behaved like this guy. I cheated, I pulled people toward me and pushed them away. I was kind of a nightmare. And he is too.

You deserve to be with an honest person, who is not continually pushing you away and pulling you back, over and over again. 

What’s important now is that you don’t allow him to do so. How? By setting boundaries.

Although this question was sent in relatively recently, no matter where you are in the world, you are likely practicing social distancing because of the coronavirus and not physically in a workspace with him. If he texts you, put an end to it. Use this social distance to distance yourself emotionally. Focus on what you would like in a partner. I think you will find that your list includes someone available, someone who is not ghosting you and then pulling you in to then repeat the cycle. When we are back out in the world together, I think you will find that by letting go of him and this toxic situation, you can leave the door open for someone to enter your life who is available. 

Lastly, it would be helpful to process some of this with a therapist. It’s always a good idea to look at why we found ourselves attracted to unhealthy situations so that we don’t repeat the pattern. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Sardonyx, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called STRUNG OUT: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, and it’s on sale now! 

Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly

Ask Erin: Why Do I Only Want To Sleep With Married Men?

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin...

I recently had sex with a married man (he’s 50). 

We met online and had been talking for a couple of months now. I don’t have feelings for him and most likely won’t develop any for him.

I don’t even know why I am sleeping with him. To be quite honest, I could have most of the guys my age (around 22), but it just seems so boring to me, so common. The idea of sleeping with a married man is inviting and has a taste of danger too.

Now I think it is important to point out that I wouldn’t do this with a man who says he is happily married. I wouldn’t to try to seduce one. I would only have sex with men if they are already willing to cheat on their wives and have decided to take action on the matter, but not try to convince someone to cheat. I think predisposition plays a huge difference in this scenario.

My question is, why do I only want to sleep with older or married men? 

Is it that I am looking for some danger or excitement in my life? 

I have to say that I am not into “normal” stuff that people usually do to have fun — like partying, drinking, drugs. That all seems boring to me. I find true excitement in doing things like these that are considered wrong by society. 

What do you think is the reason for that? 

Thanks!

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Should I Feel Guilty For Sleeping With A Married Man?

A.

In the ten-plus years of my Ask Erin column, I’ve learned a few things. One of those things is that people usually know the answer to their question. 

Often we ask for advice because we need someone else to validate what we know to be true or to say the thing that we may be afraid to say out loud. 

I think that’s the case with you. 

As you said, a big part of the allure is that it’s taboo; it’s considered wrong. You get a thrill from that. I think it’s more than that, but I do believe you need to unpack this. 

In my experience, when sex becomes focused on the external part of it that makes it thrilling — infidelity, any kind of secrecy, with a co-worker, etc. — that can be an indication of compulsive behavior. Often those compulsive behaviors fall under the umbrella of sex and love addiction. 

Negative consequences usually define sex and love addiction, and perhaps you haven’t felt any of those yet, but there is a major thing that is happening here. 

Sleeping with these older married men all but guarantees that you will not find yourself in a long term relationship, and I think that’s the underlying goal. 

When I was younger I was the “other woman,” I cheated on my own partners, I dated men who were very clearly unavailable in varying ways (ask me about how many long-distance “relationships” I was in).

The thing is, over time, I began to see that I was subconsciously getting into relationships, both casual and serious, that were destined to fail. I needed them to fail, whether by my actions or the other person’s. 

What I was really avoiding was emotional intimacy; I suspect that’s true for you as well. 

At the same time, you are seeking out situations that feel risky. As I said above, that’s a red flag. You may not be partying or doing drugs, but there’s a through-line from that behavior to this behavior. 

Enough with the rationalization. I hold no judgment over what two consenting adults do. And, as I said, I’ve participated in all sorts of infidelity. But at a certain point, I couldn’t pretend that my behavior didn’t have repercussions, even if I couldn’t see them. 

When I was briefly married to my older son’s father, he repeatedly cheated on me. So I was in the other position. He told every woman he cheated on me with that we were no longer together, that I knew, that we had an understanding, or any other variation of a lie. 

And I got it. 

When there is deceit, someone is bound to get hurt. 

My suggestion is that you take a look at this with a therapist. Something is going on here, some impetus to put yourself in intimate relationships that give you a false sense of control. I think it’s also worth checking out a Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meeting. I know many people who have benefitted from the program. 

You are young. It’s okay that you don’t have this all figured out. But you deserve more than you’re giving yourself. And in the long run, your relationship with yourself is the one that will be most damaged by continuing unhealthy dating patterns with the mid-life crisis set. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Chalcopyrite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: Should I Feel Guilty For Sleeping With A Married Man?

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

I’ve been having sex with a married man.

So, a married man contacted me online. I told him, “no way.” But he persisted. We met, and we started having sex. 

I know it's wrong. But he is the one straying. 

He has awakened me sexually. I don't have emotional feelings for him. I am not sure if I should continue seeing him. But, he has restored me sexually after a bitter divorce. 

Am I being selfish? Or should I enjoy this?

By the way, it’s not his first affair.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Is The Married Man I’ve Been Dating For 4 Years Just Using Me?

A.

You’re correct. He is the one straying. He’s the one who's broken his commitment to his wife. But…

The affair is not without emotional consequences for you or you wouldn’t be writing to me for advice. 

Having an affair, being the “other woman,” carries a lot of complications. Some are obvious, others less so.

The way you got together is full of red flags. He persisted in pursuing you after you said no. This was not a case of happenstance. This was a married man actively pursuing an extramarital affair with you. And, as you mentioned, this is not his first affair. 

Now, I am 100% on board for consenting adults doing what they want with each other. Should that be at the expense of others? Ultimately, that’s your call. But, for me, that would be a big nope. 

I’m speaking from personal experience. When I was 19, I had an affair with a married man who I didn’t have feelings for. In my 20s, I had an affair with a man (who was in a long term relationship) who I was madly in love with, and I have been the cheater, the one in the committed relationships having an affair. 

None of these scenarios made me feel good about myself. 

While this man may have reignited your sexual mojo post-divorce, that part — the I’m enjoying this so much part — is fleeting. That nagging feeling that maybe this isn’t a healthy situation is only going to get stronger. And eventually, it will start to peck away at your self-esteem. None of this is said to shame you, but rather illuminate your worth.

Actions reveal character. This man’s actions reveal his character.

You deserve more than this, even in a purely sexual relationship. 

I think you know this. As I said, it’s why you are questioning everything. Think about what you might say if your best friend or sister or daughter was in this same situation. Would this be what you’d want for them? 

End this. You’re going to be a whole lot happier dating or having sex with someone when it doesn’t involve deceiving someone else. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Zircon, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.