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Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez
My boyfriend said he’s questioning his sexuality… He’s broken up with me at this point… He still says he’s attracted to me and ultimately wants me in his life. He says he still sees a future, but we’re still broken up… Where do I go from here? Am I kidding myself into thinking it’s salvageable, or is my relationship DOA?”
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I am an openly gay man. I came out gay a few years ago. Now I’m confused about my sexuality, as I am starting to develop feelings for my female friend.
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Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez
Dear Erin,
I’m confused.
Recently, I've come out as bisexual (mainly just to close friends and some family). My boyfriend introduced me to a girl because he thought we were similar. She is really interesting and fun to talk to, and I've started to like her (I've never met her IRL), and she likes me too.
I dumped my boyfriend, but then I changed my mind and got back with my boyfriend. Then I dumped him again and got back together with him again (I'm a terrible person I know).
I don't know if it's just a crush, and if I want it because it's all so new and different. I'm really struggling, and I don't know what to do. I don't want to make anyone unhappy, and I can't put my boyfriend through basically a fifth breakup.
It's just a big decision to make, and I want someone else to make it for me, haha. It's gotten really draining and gets me so down. I hate making people unhappy, and I don't want to hurt either of them. :(
I get dozens of similar questions each month, usually in similar situations where they care for and often love their current partner, but are struggling to come to terms with their sexuality and possible feelings for someone else. I understand how hard it can be to let go of what you know. The future with this girl or with anyone else is a question mark. But there is something abundantly clear.
Whether you are wavering because you are coming to terms with your sexuality or because he is not the right person for you is irrelevant. I have seen very few relationships last or not devolve into unhealthy patterns when there is so much breaking up and getting back together.
You know, in your heart, what you should do, but it’s scary. I get that. Imagine being in a relationship in which you didn’t feel conflicted all the time, one in which you were sure of your feelings. For your boyfriend, letting him go allows him to find someone who is sure of their feelings. This current situation is not healthy for anyone.
And that’s exactly what you should do. It’s a healthier decision. I promise that the thought of making a clean break is a lot scarier than actually doing it. You need the freedom to discover what you want and where you feel comfortable with your sexuality.
Lastly, as you venture into this new chapter in your life, I want to make sure that you feel well-supported. Certainly, if you have friends and family members you feel safe sharing with, please do. But beyond that, it would help to process what you’re going through with a therapist and, even more importantly, with someone who has been there—someone who has gone through coming out as bisexual and exploring new relationships. The Trevor Project lists the following resources which looks like an excellent place to begin connecting with others and get some support.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Aquamarine, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.
Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called STRUNG OUT: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, and it’s on sale now!
Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO
*This column first appeared on Ravishly
I know 20 is young, but the moment you tell someone you're still a virgin, it's as if you told them you're living with a terminal illness. Artwork by Tess Emily Rodriguez
Hey Erin.
I’m entering my 20s with no experience.
So, I’m twenty years old. I think you would agree that twenty is pretty young. But the moment you tell someone you're still a virgin, it's as if you told them you're living with a terminal illness.
For as long as I can remember, I've been a romantic. Although I believe that 'virginity' is a patriarchal construct, I still have always wanted my first time to be with someone I'm close to. We don't even have to be in love. We just have to have a really great connection and like each other a lot.
However, it's always felt to me like I have no luck in the romantic department.
Many people have told me that my standards were too high and that I had unrealistic expectations. But I don't want to compromise on this and end up doing something so intimate and being so vulnerable with some random person, someone that I might not even like. I know that there's no "perfect" guy out there, and the person I end up with is probably not going to be what I thought I wanted, but does that really mean I should lower my standards and just give in?
There are nights where I just lie in bed staring at the ceiling, crying, wondering why everyone else gets so lucky, and I haven't even found one person. Some of my friends have been in relationships since they were 16 years old. I feel like I'm waiting for this magical thing and the more I want it, the more it evades me.
I've always been a hopeless romantic. I had my first real crush at nine years old, and even then it was way more intense than any of my peers. I've always been in love with love. And it seems a cruel joke that I've still not experienced it.
From the outside, I know I sound ridiculous. I'm only twenty; I have plenty of time. But when you've been fantasizing about being in love since you were nine years old, it feels like you've been waiting a lifetime.
I know it'll happen one day. But this loneliness crawls under my skin and buries itself there, so deeply sometimes that I feel like I can't breathe. I just want someone to love me, and I feel so pathetic saying that. But I'm tired of not experiencing it.
I know this wasn't technically a question, but any advice would be so appreciated. Thank you.
Wanting to be loved is a very human desire.
When it comes to having sex for the first time, you should only be concerned with what feels right for you. If you want sex to be a real connection and not something you do just to get your first time over with, there is nothing wrong with that. There are people out there who feel the same way, and it has nothing to do with religion. Take for example this season’s bachelor on The Bachelor. He’s a 26-year-old virgin. He’s not saving himself for marriage but for the right person and time. I have known many people, of all genders, who have waited for a variety of reasons.
We live in a society that tends to move fast. I lost my virginity on the young side, and while I don’t dwell on it, I sure could have stood to wait a few years when I was more emotionally mature.
I also think there are two things to unpack here — sex and love. Sex and love are not dependent on one another. They can coexist, but they happen all the time without the other.
You don’t sound ridiculous; you sound lonely. But I’m going to tell you something I learned after years of jumping from relationship to relationship… the only person who can cure you of your loneliness is you. I know that may not be what you want to hear. It was a hard-learned lesson for me.
This is not to discount the joy of sharing a connection with someone, to be intimate with them — physically, emotionally, spiritually. But when we learn how to have that connection outside of romantic relationships, we learn how to be happy in a way that is not dependent on another person.
Having that foundation with ourselves helps to strengthen the bonds we have with other people.
From reading your letter, I don’t believe the answer for you is just to have sex with someone, anyone. But instead, focus on what you want in a partner and work on those same qualities with yourself.
Rather than worrying about someone wanting to be with you, put your energy towards the life you have ahead of you. I know this can feel daunting when you feel lonely, but engaging yourself with friends, with goals, with activities, can really help to fill that space.
Lastly, as I often do, I recommend speaking with a therapist. Talk therapy is such an effective way to get all of these destructive spiraling thoughts out of our heads. That’s how we change thought patterns, by speaking about them and giving them less power.
Dear heart, I promise you will not be lonely forever.
None of those feelings last forever. It will get easier. You will find your people.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Rainforest Jasper, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
Artwork by Tess Emily Rodriguez
Erin,
Is it possible to enjoy sex again?
I’m not yet 30, but my sex life is basically non-existent.I had one partner, during my sophomore year of college, with whom I had frequent, amazing sex with over the course of our brief relationship, but after he abruptly left me, I fell into a major depressive episode (not my first one), and my sex drive all but disappeared.
I have been in and out of therapy, and on and off of meds, ever since, but nothing ever really helps. My mental health always ends up worse than it was before, and I still have no libido.
I’ve spent the better part of a decade making excuses and convincing myself that things with the next guy would be better, but it never happened that way. I recently went over two years without having sex at all, because it seemed so not worth it to continue trying to pursue anything romantic or sexual with anyone (especially after having gone through the worst breakup and worst resulting depression yet).
When I started dating again recently, I was hoping that I could finally figure things out, but I still don’t find the sex to be at all pleasurable unless there is a toy involved.
I’ve tried talking to doctors about it, only to be told that the fact that I can tolerate a pelvic exam and can technically have an orgasm means that there must not be anything wrong, so I just need to “relax.” I am also not currently on any medication, so that can’t be the problem, either.
It’s gotten to the point where I sincerely believe that it just isn’t physically possible to enjoy sex and that the experience I had with my first boyfriend was just some fluke of my (now long-gone) teenage hormones. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised at this point if someone told me that no one else actually likes it either, and it’s just this ruse we’ve all been keeping up because we’re all too ashamed to admit otherwise.
I just don’t know where to turn.
I’m not currently in a relationship (and unlikely to ever be in one again), so I guess it shouldn’t really be a problem, but it still bothers me.
What can I even do?
I hate that doctor for telling you that you just need to relax. Relaxing is a) not always easy if you have anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues and b) is not the answer to all medical problems.
Many people, of all genders, struggle with their sex drive or lack thereof. And the reasons for that can be physical, psychological, emotional, or a combination.
Since this has been an ongoing problem, I would first consult an endocrinologist. I am not a doctor, but I have known several people who have had thyroid conditions that were causing libido issues. It seems like a good place to start. And an ob-gyn is not as good at solving the mystery of hormones as an endocrinologist is.
Now, the depression factor. Just because you are not on medication does not mean that your depression is not affecting your libido. You don’t exactly say where things stand with your depression, other than you are not on medication. If you are still struggling with depression, I’d make treating it a priority. In my experience, my mental wellness has always been at the root of my satisfaction in all areas of life at any given moment.
There was something that you said in your email that stuck out to me: "I still don’t find the sex to be at all pleasurable unless there is a toy involved.”
This is key. You are finding pleasure when there is a toy involved. I would try an experiment.Commit to pleasuring yourself at least every other day for let’s say a month.
Explore the things that feel good, try out some new toys, read some erotica or watch some pornography (if that feels right for you).
The point is to allow yourself to explore getting sexual without the pressure of another person there.
Also, make a commitment to engage in some sort of endorphin giving activity three times a week — a brisk walk or run, swimming, yoga, dancing, any physical activity that will get your heart rate up and release those much-needed endorphins. I know for myself that the more I do in the endorphin area, the more motivated I am to do the things that release endorphins.That includes all these types of activities… and sex.
A couple of other avenues to consider are alternative therapies — like acupuncture, reiki, meditation — or medications made specifically to target low libido.
I am confident that you will be able to do so. Don’t put the pressure on yourself to make it happen with a partner right now. Allow yourself some space to get into a groove with taking care of business yourself. And, I would double check hormone levels with an endocrinologist, just to rule that out.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I'm not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I've gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, what I’m listening to,what I’m reading, Ametrine, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me ataskerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez
Q.
Hi Erin,
I'm not really sure what my question is, but here's my situation. I'm 21 and haven't seriously dated anyone — not even in 6th grade when it seemed like what all the kids were doing — just to do. I haven't lost my virginity and have only been on three dates, never making it to a second one with the same guy.
A couple of years back, both of my sisters asked if I was gay, and, honestly, I told them “no.”
For a while, I thought there would be some point when I was attracted to a guy, and everything would happen, but a month or two ago I read an article on possible asexuality signs, and I fit most of them.
I don't realize when people flirt with me or when people say I flirt back. I find nude pictures to be unappealing and almost...unrealistic? Penises just don't seem proportional — or the right color. I don't get casual sexual jokes, and while I can think of sex in a book/character way, I really can't imagine it if/when I'm involved. Kissing (when I tried it on my first date when I was 19) just seems slimy and unhygienic.
My aunt has also implied that it's okay if I'm gay, and when I told her that I've been on some dates with guys, it seemed like it got around to my extended family. They might all be wondering about me.
I've never been entirely comfortable labeling myself — I’m just me, and that's all I really want to be — but I feel anxious when my family starts questioning me (I tend to forget sexuality is actually a non-fictional thing other than when mine is questioned).
I don't think my family would shun me if I talked to them, but I don't really want to "come out.” I haven't really been closeted. I just never started being sexual.
I don't really want a support group or people to talk to, because I don't feel like I need support. I'm not really struggling with my sexuality or feeling anxious. I just am, and I'm okay with that.
There wasn't really a question there, but do you have any advice for me?
As with any discussion about gender identity or sexual orientation, the only person who can determine your sexuality is you. From what you said in your email, it sounds like asexuality is what resonates with you.
Let’s address the family stuff first. If you are not ready to talk about your sexuality with them, that’s okay. You can tell them that. You can set a boundary that they not discuss your sexuality with each other or ask you questions. If and when you are ready to do so, you will speak to them about it.
Not even your family. That said, it seems your family is likely to be supportive of you, and I think you’d be safe to discuss this with them. I know for myself when I was able to talk openly with my family about “my stuff” (my addiction and depression), it made me feel closer to them. And that was a good thing.
You said that you don’t want any support. But, I think you do. Although you said you don’t feel anxious about your sexuality, you mentioned that when your family questions you, you feel anxious.
Not because you are struggling, but because it might feel good to have conversations with people who identify the same way you do. Having the support of the asexual community doesn’t mean that you are struggling with your sexuality.
So, I want to suggest that you explore some of the resources I am going to list below. We all want to feel less alone. Even you!
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I'm not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I've gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, shortcuts to accessing your woo, Chrysoprase, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez
Hi Erin,
I recently got back together with my ex-boyfriend, who has also been my best friend for a very long time. Last time we were dating, I broke up with him because I was questioning my sexuality (which I didn't tell him), and I came out as bisexual to some of my other closest friends (not my boyfriend).
He and I got back together about a month ago, and I was the one who initiated the relationship. I don't know why I did it. I really do like him, but I think it may have just been an excuse for me not to have to face the reality of my sexuality.
One of my friends is also bisexual, and I have been talking to her a lot about coming to terms with this. We were driving home about a week ago, and I realized that I like her. I've liked her since I met her over the summer. I don't think she likes me, though, because she has other relationship stuff going on — but I still like her.
I feel really awful about this because I'm dating a guy who I don't think I feel sexually attracted to anymore. But breaking up with him for a second time would ruin our entire relationship — something that I don't think we'd be able to recover from. Then again, I feel like I need to explore my sexuality because I haven't felt sexually attracted to men for a while.
I know that this seems very odd and is an awkward situation, but do you have any advice for my dilemma?
You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Is It Wrong To Think Of Someone Else During Sex?
Oh, my dear, this may feel awkward — but your situation is not all that odd. I’ve had many friends who were in similar situations as they were coming to terms with their sexuality.
From what I have known, that is a regular part of the process. And yes, you got back together with him (probably subconsciously) because you were afraid of facing the implications of your sexuality.
You need to break up with him, as soon as possible. It’s not fair to him or you to pretend that you’re in this when you’re really not; you’re just biding your time. You mentioned that you were afraid of ruining your entire relationship, but prolonging this is going to do far more damage. He might not be ready to be your friend now (or ever), but that’s not a reason to stay. I would bet that with some time, you can have a friendship with him, but that shouldn’t be the driving factor here.
Now, as for your friend, the girl, she may just be the catalyst for your sexual awakening. If you do have feelings for her, you could certainly tell her, but break up with your boyfriend first and get a little time and space from that relationship.
Be prepared that your feelings may not be reciprocated. However, it sounds like she is someone you can confide in and relate to — someone who can be there for you as you face the reality of your sexuality.
Lastly, lean on friends and family you can trust as you go through this process. There are so many resources available online, as well. I’ve listed a couple below. If you need any other resources, don’t hesitate to reach out again. Now, end things with the boyfriend gently and with love, and explore who you are and what you want in a partner. XOXO
Coming Out As You! by The Trevor Project
HRC’s Resource Guide to Coming Out as Bisexual
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I'm not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I've gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, what I’m loving, Emerald Stones, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo