She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
Q.
Hey, Erin!
HELP!! I’m trying so hard not to sabotage my relationship.
Soooo, where to begin? I’m 26 years old, dating a guy who’s 40. Age isn’t the issue, though, just some background info.
We've been dating for almost three months, and all I can say is I REALLLLLY like him! Like a LOT.
The problem is social media.
I constantly find myself going through his Instagram, looking through his followers, and seeing what he’s liking or who he’s been following.
I also doubt him a lot when we’re not together; I’m pretty sure he’s not doing anything behind my back, but I hold on to so many things exes have done to me in the past that I end up projecting my insecurities on him.
I have to neatly force myself to get off Instagram and stop inventing stories in my head. I don’t know how to just “chill out” and not make a big deal about social media.
How the heck does one curb jealousy?
Is it possible to completely eliminate that and just finally be happy??
A.
Jealousy. We’ve all experienced it. Whether we are jealous of what other people have (or what we think they have) that we do not, or we are afraid that we are going to lose something or someone. It’s a terrible feeling.
Sometimes, jealousy stems from the toxic behavior of someone in your life. It sounds like that was the case with your past relationships. The scars left behind can follow you into new relationships. That’s not your fault. But it’s not your current partner’s fault either.
Jealousy is rooted in feelings of inadequacy and the fear of losing what we have.
This jealousy is not about your boyfriend. It’s about what’s going on inside of you. There is likely nothing your partner can do or say that will alleviate this. And it seems like you are aware of this.
You can’t be with him or monitor him 24 hours a day. Trying to do so is going to make you feel worse and worse. Unfortunately, for a lot of folks, social media can distort and amplify these anxieties. Every “Like,” comment, or follow is primed for scrutiny, as a case is built, consciously or unconsciously, proving that those fears are valid.
Healthy relationships require trust, not dependency.
For a relationship to work, for love to grow, there has to be trust. People often mistake dependency for love. Jealousy is symptomatic of this sort of codependency. We can be so busy trying to get something from someone, trying to hold on to something we fear losing, that we destroy the very thing we want.
So what do you do about it?
Therapy is highly recommended. It’s imperative that you work on that self-esteem and what’s at the root of these insecurities. The most effective way to do this is with a good therapist. There are increasing ways to access therapy. Email me if you need guidance in locating a therapist that fits your budget.
Another resource worth checking out is SLAA, a 12-step program that focuses on addictive behaviors around sex and relationships. It’s free; there are online, telephone, and IRL (although many are not happening IRL right now b/c of the ‘Rona) meetings around the world and has helped many people I know.
Unfortunately, for many folks, social media amplifies fears and insecurities.
While you’re sorting through this, give yourself time-outs as needed from social media. You mentioned that you are already doing this a bit with Instagram. It’s not a long term solution, but scrolling through his Gram can work like a drug. You know no good will come from it, but you can’t stop.
Communicate with your boyfriend. But don’t come from a place of hostility and resentment. If what you’ve written is accurate—that he hasn’t done anything that would cause insecurity—then it’s unfair to hold him accountable for what happened in your past relationships. BUT, you do need to be honest with him about what you’re struggling with. Trying to conceal it will make it worse. Sometimes, speaking about this stuff out loud alleviates a lot of the discomfort.
You mentioned your age difference and that you believe that age has nothing to do with it. It’s different for everyone, of course, but adolescence generally lasts into the mid-twenties. So there may be an age factor here. I know that I was still quite emotionally messy in my mid-twenties, and really most of my friends were too. (Before the emails roll in...Yes, I know there are mature 25-year-olds, but they’re the exception, not the rule.)
Lastly, be kind to yourself. If you do the emotional work, you will get to a place where you can observe what you’re feeling without all the self-judgment attached to it. And that will make it a lot easier to let it go and not let it trip you up.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Rhodizite, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.
Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called STRUNG OUT: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, and it’s on sale now!
Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO
