Ask Erin: My Wife Lied To Me About Being On Birth Control

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

I don't even know where to start or how to say this. 

My wife is lying to me about using birth control.

We're pregnant with our fourth child even though my wife said she had an IUD placed after the birth of our third child. We've had a baby a year for the last four years, give or take, and I can't catch my breath. 

We discussed and had agreed after our third child that our family was complete, and I was very willing, still am, to schedule a vasectomy. She was hesitant and blew up at me when I brought it up again and said she'd get an IUD instead.

I believe very strongly that only she has the right to make choices about her body, but IUD family planning was her idea, something she researched and said she was comfortable with and that she preferred to other methods. Even so, our third and fourth children have been "surprises" from failed birth control. I feel manipulated, depressed, and exhausted. This is the first time I've ever really admitted this, even though I think I've always known.

Since it's tax season, I needed to get our insurance paperwork together for my reimbursement plan, and there is no record of my wife getting an IUD. When I asked her about getting the office visit and pharmacy record for reimbursement, she told me it "fell out" and that she was pregnant with our 4th child. If it fell out, there should still be reimbursement documentation from the pharmacy and the doctor's office.

I'm making a lot of sacrifices while my wife's life hasn't changed much. 

I took a job with better pay but a terrible commute and an awful culture to bring in more money. I do pre-school runs, and my parents provide child care for free. I make breakfast, do bath time, storytime, bedtime, and all the in-betweens, doctor's appointments, and working with our firstborn's occupational therapists. My wife has never even met with our son's OT and learning assistance team. I pick the kids up from my parent's house after work even though my wife gets out of work three hours before I do, goes in later than I do, and works ten minutes from home while I have a very long commute. 

She gets frustrated having to parent while I try to get dinner started and then furious with me that I don't "pitch in enough.” I do the dishes, the laundry, the lunch packing, the playdates, the birthday parties, and holiday plans. I’m up at night feeding, I'm potty training, changing sheets, diapers, PJs. I'm doing all of it. I'm the picture-perfect modern woke dad. 

My wife doesn't even have car seats in her car. I can't remember the last time she spent any time with the kids without me, and she sleeps with earbuds in.

I love my kids, but my wife is not being honest with me about family planning and has just checked out of being a parent. I mentioned getting a vasectomy again, and she got furious, saying that she has the right to decide when we're done having kids. 

I feel like she just likes the attention of being pregnant but doesn't like being a parent. 

She didn't speak to me for a week when I said I didn't want to participate in a big social media pregnancy photoshoot and reveal. The only time she spends with our kids is when she's posing them for pictures on Instagram or Facebook. 

I haven't had an hour to myself in years. I don't know the last time I had a full night's sleep. I work, and I parent, that's all I do. My wife has hobbies and girls trips with her friends, movie nights with her sisters, "mom only" spa days.

This whole thing makes me feel gross and lost and manipulated, and I don't know what to do.

A.

I have two kids—a toddler and a teenager. My husband and I both work and share kid duties. And I am EXHAUSTED. It is not surprising to me that you feel that way too. Adding to this, an unequal partnership and lack of transparency from your wife, and your feelings seem quite valid to me. 

Lying about contraception and reproductive decisions in a partnership is not okay; it’s reproductive coercion. 

Reproductive coercion, as defined by the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, “involves behavior intended to maintain power and control in a relationship related to reproductive health by someone who is, was, or wishes to be involved in an intimate or dating relationship with an adult or adolescent. This behavior includes explicit attempts to impregnate a partner against her will, control outcomes of a pregnancy, coerce a partner to have unprotected sex, and interfere with contraceptive methods.”

The term is often used to describe ways in which cishet men perpetrate this type of abuse against cishet women. But this is not gender-exclusive behavior. 

While your wife may not be physically coercing you into sex, she is eliminating you from reproductive decision making.

Based on everything you wrote in your email, I would feel depressed and manipulated, too. 

With three kids and another on the way, it is imperative that you get some outside help here. And by outside help, I don’t mean a nanny. I mean a therapist. This level of dishonesty speaks to a more significant issue within your marriage. Marriage counseling seems like a must. And, I suggest you seek individual therapy as well. This is very tricky territory, with boundaries and honesty, and I think this is best unraveled with the help of a professional.

In the meantime, in a neutral moment, sit your wife down and write out a plan for dividing the childcare duties. 

Be direct and calm about how much you are struggling. Maybe by writing it all down, it will become clearer on just where the bulk of the workload has been falling. Perhaps she really feels that you’re not pitching in as much as you are. By getting things down on paper, it will feel less personal and more objective. 

Please, please, please, get some professional guidance from a therapist. If this marriage is going to survive, this dynamic has to change. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Amblygonite, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called STRUNG OUT: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, and it’s on sale now! 

Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: I Want A Fresh Start

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Erin,

I want a fresh start after being a toxic person with a toxic past.

I am a 23-year-old woman who is kind-hearted, sweet, and loving. However, I have had a rough past—from being a rebellious teen to lying profusely to exaggerating relationships to help me fit in/for attention. 

I am aware that I have made great changes. I’ve gone to therapy, admitted my wrongs, and have started some medication to help me with my depression and anxiety. 

It’s hard because even though I have accepted my flaws from the past, I'm fearful that I won't get respect from others. I also fear people will only think of me as a liar when I'm not—anymore, at least. 

How do I stand firm in knowing that I have made mistakes and want to grow from those mistakes? 

How do I not care what anyone thinks of me deciding to change my life for the better? How do I not allow the world — that is imperfect itself — to come into my world and tear me down? 

How do I walk firmly and confidently in my own shoes without fearing what people are going to think of me, based on my past?

You Might Also Like: I Have Compassion For Everyone Struggling With Depression Except Me

A.

You have come to the right place. 

I have made ALL the mistakes. I was also toxic. I lied about drugs and cheating and my feelings. I gaslit my friends and family and boyfriends. These are not things I am proud of, and I used to carry so much shame about my past. But I don’t anymore, and you don’t have to either. 

Here’s the thing about mistakes — EVERYONE makes them.

Do some of us make big mistakes? Yes. What’s wonderful about being human is that we have the ability to learn from our mistakes and change behaviors, which is exactly what it sounds like you are doing. And you are still so young! 

As you may already know from reading my column, I struggled with heroin addiction until I was 28 years old. I became a mom, and I had no idea how to be a functioning adult, let alone a mother or a healthy partner. So, even off of drugs, I continued to make a lot of mistakes, I continued to learn how to shed my old toxic behaviors. What I’m saying is that it took me a LONG time. 

I used to feel like my past was something to hide, but as I began opening up about my past, I realized that living in the truth, even when it feels scary, brings freedom. As I began to accept myself, I realized how the mistakes of my past shaped who I am today. It takes bravery and character to own our missteps, even when they were enormous, and learn and change and grow. 

You are the kind-hearted, sweet, and loving young woman you are today, the one you are still becoming, because of those mistakes and what you’ve learned from them, not in spite of them.

Also, I want to tell you how proud I am of you. You are taking actions to make your mental health a priority. At 23, you are tackling adult responsibilities better than most.

It does not surprise me that depression and anxiety are at the root of your toxic behaviors. I relate all too well, and taking care of your mental health now with therapy and medication is a big deal and no small feat. Many of us run from doing that for years. 

In addition to continuing the work, I want you to show yourself some compassion. 

I hated myself for so many years, and my actions confirmed the distorted belief system I had about myself. Now, when I look back, I have compassion for the girl I was, the young woman I was. You deserve compassion, too. 

Now, I understand the fear of judgment from others. We have no control over what others think of us. The truth is some people might judge you for the person you used to be. Those people are not your people. 

If someone is going to look down on you or make you small because of your past, it says far more about their character than it does about yours. 

You are on the right path. Don’t be afraid to show people the person you are today, how far you’ve come. With time, you will feel strength standing in the truth of who you are. 

It’s a lie for any of us to say we don’t care what anyone thinks of us. BUT, there will come a day when you feel secure in setting boundaries with people who want to tear you down. You will learn to surround yourself with people who see you, who love you, who accept you. You’re doing so well. Keep growing and evolving and moving forward. I believe you will. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Hiddenite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.