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Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez
Letting go is painful, but hanging on to what no longer exists is far more painful. You know that you can’t fix this for him. So give him the space for his recovery and make space for your own.
Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez (http://tessemilyart.weebly.com)
The issue I have is I'm sitting on one side thinking I'm seeing someone nice who doesn't seem to have any hangups, and I already gave my ex a second chance, and it was wasted. But at the same time, I'm sitting here wanting nothing more than to go over there, hug her, and just say, “prove to me I can trust you.”
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Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez
Hi Erin,
My ex used to be my best friend. We were best friends all through high school and into our first year of college. We then dated for a year. When we broke up, it was really hard for me.
After the first year, I stopped thinking about him and trying to communicate with him, and I thought I was finally over him. Fast forward three years, and I have come to realize that I miss him.
When I say I miss him, I don't mean it in a boyfriend/girlfriend type of way. I miss him as my best friend. See, he was the only person who has ever been really close to me and who knew my whole life story.
I really, really miss him, and I just want my friend back. We occasionally say hello, but we haven't actually had a conversation in years. We had a good conversation a few years ago, and it went well; we caught up. But I am afraid he won't care anymore or want me in his life anymore. At least not the way we used to be.
Part of the problem is his family and I are really close. His sister (who is still one of my closest friends) and I see each other regularly (when he's not around). So we still have to deal with each other, I guess.
It’s sad because we don't interact, and I sometimes want to, but I am afraid he will feel awkward about it.
Do you think it’s even possible?
I really understand what you’re feeling. I always, or almost always, have wanted to remain friends with exes, even if we needed a little space and time before we could honestly do that. And, I understand what it’s like to lose the friendship of a person who knows you better than anyone else.
However, before you communicate with him about this, a few things to consider.
Be completely honest with yourself about your intentions. It sounds like you have that clarity, but check in with yourself, through meditation or some writing about it. I say this because I have seen this happen, personally and with friends, where they’ve insisted that they only wanted friendship, but underneath that, they really wanted more than a platonic relationship.
If you are sure of what you want, you need to prepare yourself for what may lay on the other side of it.
He may not feel the same way as you. This can be hard to accept; I’ve been there.
There’s another aspect which you did not bring up but is worth mentioning. If he is in a relationship, his significant other may not be comfortable with the two of you being friends. I have also been in this situation, and it was difficult for me to understand, but I had no choice but to accept it.
Once you feel you’re in a good place with being able to handle his response, it’s time to let him know.
I am a big believer in the possibility of friendships with people we’ve been romantically involved with. It doesn’t always work out, but it often does, and those friendships can be rewarding.
So be clear with yourself first, and then him, about what you want in a friendship. Be prepared for whatever his answer may be. And moving forward, as friends or merely exes, stay true to yourself and keep your communication honest.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Variscite, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.
Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called STRUNG OUT: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, and it’s on sale now!
Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO
*This column first appeared on Ravishly.
Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez
She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
Hi Erin,
They were together for seven years, married for two. He has two kids with her. She cheated on him and left him, but she texts him every day and still calls him to check up on the kids 24/7.
My boyfriend doesn’t want any more kids. I do, and I’m jealous she was able to give those things to him, and I can’t. When it’s his week to have the kids, she will always be there and go to the park with them and trick-or-treating with them.
She dislikes me and doesn’t want me around even though we have only been dating for a month.
All the things I want, she gave him, and he doesn’t want those things again.
Help.
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There are two issues here. Let’s take a look at them separately.
I understand that it can be frustrating and intimidating that the ex-wife is in the picture. But they have two kids together. They have a seven-year history. You have only been dating for a month.
With kids, there’s no way to avoid that. You need to be honest with yourself about how comfortable you would be longterm with the situation because she is not going anywhere.
Now, your boyfriend can undoubtedly set some boundaries that will make things more comfortable for everyone. But, it’s up to him to set them. You can certainly set your own limits, but you need to be clear on what will and won’t work for you in this relationship.
You don’t want to contribute to any tension the kids may already feel between you. Further, consider that they may be doing things together like trick-or-treating or the park for the benefit of the kids. After I separated from my older son’s dad, I often was in situations with him — ballet recitals, trick-or-treating, birthday parties, etc. — because it was what was best for our son. We had to learn to peacefully co-parent even when we didn’t like each other very much.
You are not going to wish him into wanting the same things you want. Might he change his mind? Sure, but we have no way of knowing that. I can’t tell you how many times I have seen people bank on their partner changing some fundamental part of their personality or plans for the future. They are almost always disappointed.
You have only been dating a month; slow your roll. Instead of focusing on how you want your boyfriend and his ex to change their behavior, figure out what you want in a longterm partner and take an honest look at whether or not this man fits that bill.
This all boils down to boundaries (yours and his), honesty (with yourself and with him), and some perspective — those kids come first, and they always will.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Rainbow Moonstone, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
*This column first appeared on Ravishly.
My best friend is my ex. He knows I have strong feelings for him, but I don’t know if he still feels the same for me. Artwork by Tess Emily Rodriguez
Hi!
I really need some advice and possible answers!
We were together for only about six months, and we were living together for about half the time we were together. He’s different from any other guy I've ever been with, and I fell for him almost instantly.
We broke up about six-seven months ago. We didn’t talk for about a couple months afterward and then one day he started talking to me and asked me if I wanted to hang out, alone. We ended up going to a street dance together and got a few drinks afterward.
We've hung out ever since, nonstop, and always text each other and go to movies and out to eat; it’s almost as if we are dating. We've also slept together countless times.
A lot of the time I feel like he does and then other times it just feels like we’re really good friends. I notice he looks at me certain ways and says certain things that I know he wouldn’t just say to anyone.
I've been trying to move on constantly, but nothing ever works; I can almost promise you he’s my soulmate.
One day I started dating someone else, and it quickly ended. I ended up going over to my best friend’s place to talk to him about it, and he was very supportive; he’s always been there for me.
Also, he hasn't had a girlfriend since we broke up. He always tells me about girls that he goes on dates with and how they are all "stupid" and wear too much makeup and are always "too much.” And I think to myself, well you're kinda describing the opposite of me!And also thinking well you have what you say you want right in front of you!
After I had talked to him about my breakup we ended up watching a movie, and in the middle of it he had put his arms around me and pulled me up onto his lap, and we continued to cuddle through another movie, and I ended up spending the night, and we also slept together.
And I don’t know how to go about talking to him about this or if there really is a possibility of more than just a friendship between us.
HELP!
I don’t think you’re going to like my answer. Might he still have feelings for you? Yes.
Here’s why: he has all of the benefits of a relationship with your right now without any of the strings. He is free to date and sleep with whomever he wants, but can still hang out with you — someone he’s close to — and have casual sex when he wants. It sounds like a pretty comfortable situation for him.
What concerns me is where you are in all of this. It’s pretty hard to move on from someone if you are still hanging out with them all the time and sleeping together. You need to be honest with yourself and him about what you want.
Is it a risk to tell him clearly how you feel? Sure. But it’s a bigger risk to stay in this murky territory with him, pretending that you just want this casual friends-with-benefits thing.
Tell him how you feel and what you want. Ask him to be clear with you about what he wants.Then you will have the information you need to decide between keeping him in your life.
And please don’t do that thing where you hang on to the hope that he will change his mind.
I know you mentioned that you feel like he might be your soulmate. He might be. But guess what? We have many soulmates in life. I am sure of this. And some of them are only in our lives a short while. It’s okay to let him go. I believe you will find love again, and with someone who is ready to commit.
So have that conversation and get the clarity you need to move forward, one way or another.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional.But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes.If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent,what I’m watching,what I’m reading,Pollucite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me ataskerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you myAsk Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter.xoxo