Ask Erin: I Think I Raped My Friend

CN: Rape

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

This is hard to write. 

Recently, I did the worst thing I’ve ever done, and I don’t think I can forgive myself. 

I used to date this person, and, for the past few months, when we have seen each other, we have gotten drunk and made out, and that's it. But the other day they invited me to stay at their place after we had been drinking with a friend. We had made out at this point. I don’t remember things clearly, but the next day they said they didn’t remember anything at all, really. 

I think I assaulted them.

They keep reassuring me that they are fine, but I feel like I know that’s a trauma response. I don’t think I can live with the guilt. I’ve offered to go to the police with them or pay for therapy or both, but they told me they are fine, and they still trust me. 

I feel awful, and it’s tearing me apart. I don’t know what to do. 

Maybe I should just leave them alone until they have come to terms with things. 

A.

In the past few years, I’ve received countless emails from people (mostly women) who wonder if they have been assaulted or raped. That’s indicative of the ways we have been conditioned around consent or rather conditioned out of consent. That tide has begun to shift, even though it has a long way to go. 

In addition to those emails, I have received a surprising number of emails from folks (mostly men) who are beginning to reckon with their behavior, beginning to see how they have blown through boundaries, ignored consent, and in some cases, committed sex crimes. It’s a good thing that people are becoming willing to evaluate their behavior. 

I think you’re feeling this guilt because you know that even if you don’t remember the events clearly, you did something wrong. Recognizing this and apologizing is the first step. And you’ve done that. But I want to be clear about something. 

Those feelings of guilt and torment don’t absolve you of your actions.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s good that you feel bad about this. If you didn’t, that would be sociopathic. But let’s move past your feelings.

Your friend says they don’t remember anything; they don’t want to go to the police or have you pay for therapy and still trust you. You need to respect that. Yes, that could be a trauma response. I have been there. I have been the one who minimized what a “friend” did to me without my consent because I was not ready to accept what had happened. I didn’t want to believe it. 

Right now, all you need to know is that this process should be on their terms. So yes, leave it alone. If they want to talk to you, talk to them. If they don’t want to talk to you, don’t harass them, even with continuous apologies. 

Don’t push your plans of restitution or amends for the sake of alleviating your own guilt. 

No matter how well-intentioned you may be, let them decide for themselves. Now, you should be paying for therapy, immediately— your therapy. Why? Because the best way to make amends is to change what you actually can, which is your behavior. I urge you to do this. 

Also, if you are blacking out when you drink and/or behaving in scary ways, ways you wouldn’t when sober, then I think you need to take a look at your relationship with alcohol. 

What role has alcohol played in this? 

Whatever that role is, it doesn’t let you off the hook. But I’d venture to guess that this isn’t the only incident where you’ve woken up remorseful about the drunken night before. Imagine how the night would have gone without alcohol. At the very least, you would be sure of what transpired. 

Lastly, I want to end this on a hopeful note, because emails like yours do make me feel hopeful. These are hard and very necessary conversations we need to keep having if anything is to change. I believe that you want to and can change; that’s why you wrote to me. 

*If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, please seek help. You can chat live now online or by phone at 1-800-656-HOPE, through the Sexual Assault Hotline. It is free and confidential. If anyone needs region-specific resources, RAINN has a page where you can find centers near you, or you can email me.

---

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Dumortierite, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called STRUNG OUT: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, and it’s on sale now! 

Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

Original Art by Tess Emily Rodriguez.

Hi. Hello. It's July???

It’s been a minute… or a few months. And oh so much has happened.

My book, STRUNG OUT, launched at the outset of the pandemic. It was surreal, shifting from the whirlwind of the book launch, which was cut short, then heading into lockdown. Like so many, I went through various stages of anxiety and grief—personal, professional, and global. There was so much to figure out, promoting the book in the middle of a pandemic, trying to work from home with no childcare, and learning how to balance work and home life.

At the end of May, in the wake of George Floyd’s death, protests began to erupt across the country and the world. I have always supported the Black Lives Matter movement and have never been quiet about that. The boiling point we reached allowed me the opportunity to confront how I have benefitted from a system built on white supremacy. No matter what my ideals have been, I have had to look at what I didn’t do, ways in which I hadn’t educated myself. I am committed to confronting racism within my community, my family, and myself. And in doing so, I am trying to balance when it is time for me to use my voice and when it is time for me to step back and uplift Black voices.

As you may know, I recently parted ways with Ravishly, both as Managing Editor and columnist. Ask Erin began nearly 11 years ago on my blogpost blog and has grown and flourished organically. And it continues now, here.

Post book launch, I’ve been finding my legs again as a writer. And I am writing again, working on new projects, and it’s exciting and scary, but it’s mostly a relief to be back in a groove.

Another thing that’s happened is that I’ve found a way to bring horses back into my life. It’s something I have wanted to do again for quite some time. And I’m doing it. I’m taking lessons, connecting with horses, and getting back a part of me that was integral in shaping who I am. I feel profoundly grateful that I have the opportunity to do it.

My newsletter is set to resume. I’ll be hosting more book giveaways. And I have some exciting plans for Instagram Lives with other authors, answering Ask Erin questions.

However, I want to know from you—the Ask Erin readers, my friends (both IRL and online), those who landed here after reading STRUNG OUT—what can I do to help make your life a little better right now? What can I share with you? How can I boost what you’re doing? What do you want to see more of in the Ask Erin column or my blog posts or on social media? We are in this together.

Ask Erin: I Broke Up With My Boyfriend For Sexting Other Women, But I Want Him Back

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

I'd been in a relationship for six months. My boyfriend and I spent a lot of time together when we first met. He was so attentive to me. But as the months passed, I noticed his attention was more so other places. 

He spends a lot of time on social media, and I got curious. One day I decided to look at what he was doing. 

I found several explicit messages to several different women on his cell phone.  

This is not the first time I discovered something like this. Two months into our relationship, I looked through his phone, and I saw something that upset me. I admitted to him. He made excuses. At the time, I brushed it off because I came to the conclusion that we had just met, and maybe those were old affairs. 

But at six months in, I saw that he had never stopped. I broke up with him that day and walked away, and I have not been in touch since. 

The problem is that I feel miserable. I miss him so bad some days, and then other days I get through without a problem. I wanted to come back to him right after we broke up, but I realized my worth. 

I believe that if he cared the way he said he does, then he would never have continued sexting other women still after I confronted him about it the first time. 

I'm trying to figure out if I made the right decision. 

I want him back, but he would have to come clean and be honest with me about everything. Then I think, at my age, I know that that's probably not going to happen. So I'm using my no contact time to get over the breakup versus waiting for him to come back.

Do you think I did the right thing? Should I reach out to him? 

A.

Breakups are hard, even when it was your decision, even when you know it was the right choice. Although you wrote this email, asking for my opinion, asking if I thought you’d done the right thing, you know the answer. 

It was the right decision. 

He showed you who he is, twice. You don’t want to be in a committed relationship with someone who, well, is not committed. Perhaps your ex would be better off in an open relationship, which is fine. What’s not okay is not disclosing this to you, his girlfriend. 

Understandably, you feel miserable. You’re mourning the loss of a relationship and reconciling your feelings for someone who wasn’t who you thought he was. 

I promise the sadness you feel about the breakup is not permanent. 

The most important ingredient for healing is time, which can be frustrating. But the discomfort will lessen, and one day you won’t feel it at all. 

I always think therapy is a good idea when we’re going through stress or loss or grief or trauma. Seeing a therapist could help you navigate through this ending. 

You should not reach out to him. Not now. If you decide one day that you’d like a friendship with him, sure, reach out. I do think exes can be friends. But that can’t happen until you are through the heartache. And I want you to remember what you said in your email—I realized my worth. That prevented you from reaching out to him. Make a note in your phone, write it on a Post-It and stick it on your bathroom mirror or next to your bed or in your car. 

The man you want back does not exist. 

That’s okay. Many of us, myself included, have been there. We fall for who we want people to be rather than who they are. Whenever you have the urge to reach out, remember that he doesn’t exist and, most importantly… 

Remember your worth.

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Tinkasite, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called STRUNG OUT: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, and it’s on sale now! 

Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

Ask Erin: Help! I'm Trying Not To Sabotage My Relationship

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hey, Erin!

HELP!! I’m trying so hard not to sabotage my relationship.

Soooo, where to begin? I’m 26 years old, dating a guy who’s 40. Age isn’t the issue, though, just some background info. 

We've been dating for almost three months, and all I can say is I REALLLLLY like him! Like a LOT. 

The problem is social media. 

I constantly find myself going through his Instagram, looking through his followers, and seeing what he’s liking or who he’s been following.

I also doubt him a lot when we’re not together; I’m pretty sure he’s not doing anything behind my back, but I hold on to so many things exes have done to me in the past that I end up projecting my insecurities on him. 

I have to neatly force myself to get off Instagram and stop inventing stories in my head. I don’t know how to just “chill out” and not make a big deal about social media. 

How the heck does one curb jealousy? 

Is it possible to completely eliminate that and just finally be happy??

A.

Jealousy. We’ve all experienced it. Whether we are jealous of what other people have (or what we think they have) that we do not, or we are afraid that we are going to lose something or someone. It’s a terrible feeling. 

Sometimes, jealousy stems from the toxic behavior of someone in your life. It sounds like that was the case with your past relationships. The scars left behind can follow you into new relationships. That’s not your fault. But it’s not your current partner’s fault either. 

Jealousy is rooted in feelings of inadequacy and the fear of losing what we have.

This jealousy is not about your boyfriend. It’s about what’s going on inside of you. There is likely nothing your partner can do or say that will alleviate this. And it seems like you are aware of this. 

You can’t be with him or monitor him 24 hours a day. Trying to do so is going to make you feel worse and worse. Unfortunately, for a lot of folks, social media can distort and amplify these anxieties. Every “Like,” comment, or follow is primed for scrutiny, as a case is built, consciously or unconsciously, proving that those fears are valid. 

Healthy relationships require trust, not dependency. 

For a relationship to work, for love to grow, there has to be trust. People often mistake dependency for love. Jealousy is symptomatic of this sort of codependency. We can be so busy trying to get something from someone, trying to hold on to something we fear losing, that we destroy the very thing we want.  

So what do you do about it? 

Therapy is highly recommended. It’s imperative that you work on that self-esteem and what’s at the root of these insecurities. The most effective way to do this is with a good therapist. There are increasing ways to access therapy. Email me if you need guidance in locating a therapist that fits your budget. 

Another resource worth checking out is SLAA, a 12-step program that focuses on addictive behaviors around sex and relationships. It’s free; there are online, telephone, and IRL (although many are not happening IRL right now b/c of the ‘Rona) meetings around the world and has helped many people I know. 

Unfortunately, for many folks, social media amplifies fears and insecurities. 

While you’re sorting through this, give yourself time-outs as needed from social media. You mentioned that you are already doing this a bit with Instagram. It’s not a long term solution, but scrolling through his Gram can work like a drug. You know no good will come from it, but you can’t stop. 

Communicate with your boyfriend. But don’t come from a place of hostility and resentment. If what you’ve written is accurate—that he hasn’t done anything that would cause insecurity—then it’s unfair to hold him accountable for what happened in your past relationships. BUT, you do need to be honest with him about what you’re struggling with. Trying to conceal it will make it worse. Sometimes, speaking about this stuff out loud alleviates a lot of the discomfort. 

You mentioned your age difference and that you believe that age has nothing to do with it. It’s different for everyone, of course, but adolescence generally lasts into the mid-twenties. So there may be an age factor here. I know that I was still quite emotionally messy in my mid-twenties, and really most of my friends were too. (Before the emails roll in...Yes, I know there are mature 25-year-olds, but they’re the exception, not the rule.) 

Lastly, be kind to yourself. If you do the emotional work, you will get to a place where you can observe what you’re feeling without all the self-judgment attached to it. And that will make it a lot easier to let it go and not let it trip you up. 

---

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Rhodizite, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called STRUNG OUT: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, and it’s on sale now! 

Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

Ask Erin: Do I Tell Her I Don't See Us In A Long Term Relationship?

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

There’s this girl I met on Bumble. At first, I was only looking to hookup, but I think I caught feelings a little. 

She's a little overweight, which bothers me since I'm an athlete and I want to do very active activities. I could probably do them with her, but I feel like I would be annoyed having to slow down for her. 

I enjoy spending time with her, but I feel like I'm leading her on since I don't see us in a long term relationship. 

Even though I only see this as a short term thing, it hurts to let go of someone I like and who likes me back way more than I do her. She constantly sends me messages like "hope you have a nice day today" or " enjoy the rest of your night." I appreciate this, but we have only been together three times. I feel like she fell for me too hard, and I'm scared to hurt someone I like. 

The worst part is I'm leaving for seven weeks. I'm really going to be wasting her time if I don't say something quick because I know she's going to wait for me. What should I do? 

Do I keep seeing her in the hopes that I can look past her weight, or do I end things before it will really hurt her? 

A.

Where do I begin? Let me start with a giant eye roll. And then let’s get into the assortment of issues here. 

There’s a whole group of men like you, men who are attracted to fat women but ashamed of it. The bottom line is this—

You don’t deserve her. 

This woman deserves to be with someone, even in the short term, who likes her for who she is, just as she is. If you think this can’t be long term because of her weight, please do her a favor and end this. How horrible would you feel if there was some physical aspect about you that made her say the same thing—I couldn’t be with this guy long term? 

What’s even sadder about this is that you said you “caught feelings” too. But you can’t get past her size. Then why start this in the first place? I’m not saying you have to force yourself to be attracted to someone you are not, but you are attracted to this person, and you have developed feelings, even though this is pretty new. 

So here we are. What to do now? 

You need to be clear with her about where your head is at. 

No, I’m not saying you should tell her that this isn’t going anywhere because she is bigger than you want her to be. That would be mean. Tell her you’re not interested in any sort of committed relationship with her. 

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to keep things casual (although your reasons are crappy), but be honest about it. Don’t be that jerk who leads people on, or tells people what they want to hear at the moment, so you get your needs met. 

As a side note to your concern that she won’t be able to keep up with you because of her size...insert another eye roll. 

Please don’t make assumptions about her health, her ability, her athleticism based on her weight. I know larger people who are amazing athletes and thin people who are terrible athletes. It’s pointless, and frankly dumb, to guess what she is capable of without knowing from firsthand experience. 

And another side note, you also mentioned that you’re leaving for seven weeks. This is kind of pertinent information to give someone you are dating. It seems, from your email, that you’re not great at communicating honestly with people you date. Dude, you’ve got a whole lot of red flags, and I think you need to think about that before you date anyone. 

You know what the right thing to do is. That’s why you wrote to me. That’s why this is bothering you so much. You have a conscience. Let that conscience guide you.  

Let this woman go so she can find someone who wants to be with her and appreciates her for who she is today.  

And the next time you meet someone on Bumble, be transparent from the start about your time constraints and wanting to keep things casual. No one benefits from this lack of clarity, not even you. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Emerald, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called STRUNG OUT: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, and it’s on sale now! 

Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: My Husband Is Abusive & I Think It Might Be My Fault

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Erin,

I don’t know what to do.

My life has been nothing short of a Greek tragedy. I grew up in foster care. My father molested me. My adopted mom beat me, and verbally made me feel hopeless. Now, my husband of three years and father to my two boys is becoming someone I don't know. 

Sometimes, I feel it has to be me. 

Last week, my husband and I got into it over financial planning. I don't like to live on a whim, which we were doing for a couple of years. I feel stable and happy and want it to continue to be easy to pay bills. Neither one of us works because he's a retired vet. 

We were talking, and at one point, I got off of the bed to take a shower, and he flipped again. The explosive anger. He threw me on the bed, tried to choke me, and somewhere in the altercation, my toes were broken. 

Maybe it’s my own fault. I apologized to him for pushing his buttons. 

I thought it would get better, but two days ago, he got mad about juice during bedtime. He said I disrespected him and called me a bitch over and over while shoving me.

I love my husband, but I'm scared.

I'm scared to be alone, to mess my children's lives up. I have no family. I don't want to be homeless again.

What do I do?

A.

There are three things I am sure of from reading your email. There is no gray area here, no debate…

Your husband is abusing you. It is NOT your fault. You need to make a plan to get out, no matter how much you feel that you love him.

What you have described is very clearly physical and emotional abuse. There is no doubt in my mind. You know this. Your history of being abused has made it very easy for your husband to get away with this because he’s confirming those untrue belief systems you have about yourself.

When you experience abuse as a child, a belief system is created, one which whispers in your ear, you’re broken, you’re bad, it’s your fault.

I am not a therapist or mental health professional, but I speak from experience. I understand the lies that bloom inside of us, the ones that trauma and abuse bring. I have seen them play out again and again.

I had these toxic belief systems about myself, too.

I believed that the abuse I experienced as a child was my fault. Even when I intellectualized that it was not, internally, I held fast to that belief.

Your parents abused you. The people who were supposed to love and protect you failed. It is not surprising to me that you confuse love with abuse. You were raised to do that. This is NOT your fault. It is common for abuse survivors to find themselves in relationships that reenact that abuse repeatedly.

There is no argument that warrants shoving, name-calling, or broken toes. That is not love. That is abuse.

I understand that you are scared. It’s terrifying to confront abuse and challenge the belief systems we have about ourselves—no matter how harmful they’ve been. It’s equally scary to venture into the unknown. It can feel hopeless. It’s not. There is help, and there is hope; I promise you this.

You’re going to need some outside help. You didn’t mention in your email where you are from, so I am going to leave some general domestic violence resources below. If you email me again, I can give you resources specific to your location. I urge you to plan quickly.

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: Use the method of communication that is safest for you. Call 1-800-799-7233 or text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474. You can also log on online at thehotline.org.

• The National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV) Toolkits

• NCADV (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence): Personalized Safety Plan, Tips for Accessing Resources, Financial Education Webinar Series, Related Resources(trauma, homelessness, etc.)

This feels scary, but you don’t have to do this alone. I know you don’t have a family to lean on, but if you have any friends you trust, please reach out to them for practical or moral support. Most importantly, please use the domestic violence resources that are out there. It’s crucial that you and your children have protective measures in place.

You have an opportunity to break this cycle, not just for yourself, but for your children.

Again, please reach out so I can send you some location-specific information. Writing into me here is a significant first step. I am here to help in any way I can.

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Chrysocolla, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called STRUNG OUT: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, and it’s on sale now! 

Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: I'm Confused About My Sexuality

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Dear Erin,

I’m confused.

I've been with my boyfriend for two years, and I love him, but I'm not sure if it's love-love or how I love my dog. 

Recently, I've come out as bisexual (mainly just to close friends and some family). My boyfriend introduced me to a girl because he thought we were similar. She is really interesting and fun to talk to, and I've started to like her (I've never met her IRL), and she likes me too. 

I dumped my boyfriend, but then I changed my mind and got back with my boyfriend. Then I dumped him again and got back together with him again (I'm a terrible person I know). 

I know that if I stay with my boyfriend, I'll be happy, and I could see myself staying with him forever, but I keep questioning my sexuality and thinking about this girl. 

I don't know if it's just a crush, and if I want it because it's all so new and different. I'm really struggling, and I don't know what to do. I don't want to make anyone unhappy, and I can't put my boyfriend through basically a fifth breakup. 

It's just a big decision to make, and I want someone else to make it for me, haha. It's gotten really draining and gets me so down. I hate making people unhappy, and I don't want to hurt either of them. :(

A.

I get dozens of similar questions each month, usually in similar situations where they care for and often love their current partner, but are struggling to come to terms with their sexuality and possible feelings for someone else. I understand how hard it can be to let go of what you know. The future with this girl or with anyone else is a question mark. But there is something abundantly clear. 

You should end the relationship with your boyfriend, in the best interest of both of you. 

Whether you are wavering because you are coming to terms with your sexuality or because he is not the right person for you is irrelevant. I have seen very few relationships last or not devolve into unhealthy patterns when there is so much breaking up and getting back together. 

You know, in your heart, what you should do, but it’s scary. I get that. Imagine being in a relationship in which you didn’t feel conflicted all the time, one in which you were sure of your feelings. For your boyfriend, letting him go allows him to find someone who is sure of their feelings. This current situation is not healthy for anyone. 

It’s not about this specific girl. It’s about wanting to explore other relationships. 

And that’s exactly what you should do. It’s a healthier decision. I promise that the thought of making a clean break is a lot scarier than actually doing it. You need the freedom to discover what you want and where you feel comfortable with your sexuality. 

Lastly, as you venture into this new chapter in your life, I want to make sure that you feel well-supported. Certainly, if you have friends and family members you feel safe sharing with, please do. But beyond that, it would help to process what you’re going through with a therapist and, even more importantly, with someone who has been there—someone who has gone through coming out as bisexual and exploring new relationships. The Trevor Project lists the following resources which looks like an excellent place to begin connecting with others and get some support. 

• Bisexual.org

• Bisexual Resource Center

• glaad – Bisexual

• HRC – A Resource Guide to Coming Out as Bisexual

• Planned Parenthood – Sexual Orientation

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Aquamarine, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called STRUNG OUT: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, and it’s on sale now! 

Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly

Ask Erin: Can Exes Be Friends?

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

Do you think exes can be friends?

My ex used to be my best friend. We were best friends all through high school and into our first year of college. We then dated for a year. When we broke up, it was really hard for me. 

After the first year, I stopped thinking about him and trying to communicate with him, and I thought I was finally over him. Fast forward three years, and I have come to realize that I miss him. 

When I say I miss him, I don't mean it in a boyfriend/girlfriend type of way. I miss him as my best friend. See, he was the only person who has ever been really close to me and who knew my whole life story. 

My question is: Should I tell him I want to be friends again? 

I really, really miss him, and I just want my friend back. We occasionally say hello, but we haven't actually had a conversation in years. We had a good conversation a few years ago, and it went well; we caught up. But I am afraid he won't care anymore or want me in his life anymore. At least not the way we used to be. 

Part of the problem is his family and I are really close. His sister (who is still one of my closest friends) and I see each other regularly (when he's not around). So we still have to deal with each other, I guess. 

It’s sad because we don't interact, and I sometimes want to, but I am afraid he will feel awkward about it.

Do you think it’s even possible? 

A.

I really understand what you’re feeling. I always, or almost always, have wanted to remain friends with exes, even if we needed a little space and time before we could honestly do that. And, I understand what it’s like to lose the friendship of a person who knows you better than anyone else. 

I do think exes can be friends. 

However, before you communicate with him about this, a few things to consider. 

Be completely honest with yourself about your intentions. It sounds like you have that clarity, but check in with yourself, through meditation or some writing about it. I say this because I have seen this happen, personally and with friends, where they’ve insisted that they only wanted friendship, but underneath that, they really wanted more than a platonic relationship. 

If you are sure of what you want, you need to prepare yourself for what may lay on the other side of it. 

A friendship will require both of you to be on the same page.

He may not feel the same way as you. This can be hard to accept; I’ve been there. 

There’s another aspect which you did not bring up but is worth mentioning. If he is in a relationship, his significant other may not be comfortable with the two of you being friends. I have also been in this situation, and it was difficult for me to understand, but I had no choice but to accept it.  

Once you feel you’re in a good place with being able to handle his response, it’s time to let him know. 

There isn’t anything wrong with communicating to him that you miss his friendship and want to be friends again.

I am a big believer in the possibility of friendships with people we’ve been romantically involved with. It doesn’t always work out, but it often does, and those friendships can be rewarding. 

So be clear with yourself first, and then him, about what you want in a friendship. Be prepared for whatever his answer may be. And moving forward, as friends or merely exes, stay true to yourself and keep your communication honest. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Variscite, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called STRUNG OUT: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, and it’s on sale now! 

Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: My Wife Lied To Me About Being On Birth Control

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

I don't even know where to start or how to say this. 

My wife is lying to me about using birth control.

We're pregnant with our fourth child even though my wife said she had an IUD placed after the birth of our third child. We've had a baby a year for the last four years, give or take, and I can't catch my breath. 

We discussed and had agreed after our third child that our family was complete, and I was very willing, still am, to schedule a vasectomy. She was hesitant and blew up at me when I brought it up again and said she'd get an IUD instead.

I believe very strongly that only she has the right to make choices about her body, but IUD family planning was her idea, something she researched and said she was comfortable with and that she preferred to other methods. Even so, our third and fourth children have been "surprises" from failed birth control. I feel manipulated, depressed, and exhausted. This is the first time I've ever really admitted this, even though I think I've always known.

Since it's tax season, I needed to get our insurance paperwork together for my reimbursement plan, and there is no record of my wife getting an IUD. When I asked her about getting the office visit and pharmacy record for reimbursement, she told me it "fell out" and that she was pregnant with our 4th child. If it fell out, there should still be reimbursement documentation from the pharmacy and the doctor's office.

I'm making a lot of sacrifices while my wife's life hasn't changed much. 

I took a job with better pay but a terrible commute and an awful culture to bring in more money. I do pre-school runs, and my parents provide child care for free. I make breakfast, do bath time, storytime, bedtime, and all the in-betweens, doctor's appointments, and working with our firstborn's occupational therapists. My wife has never even met with our son's OT and learning assistance team. I pick the kids up from my parent's house after work even though my wife gets out of work three hours before I do, goes in later than I do, and works ten minutes from home while I have a very long commute. 

She gets frustrated having to parent while I try to get dinner started and then furious with me that I don't "pitch in enough.” I do the dishes, the laundry, the lunch packing, the playdates, the birthday parties, and holiday plans. I’m up at night feeding, I'm potty training, changing sheets, diapers, PJs. I'm doing all of it. I'm the picture-perfect modern woke dad. 

My wife doesn't even have car seats in her car. I can't remember the last time she spent any time with the kids without me, and she sleeps with earbuds in.

I love my kids, but my wife is not being honest with me about family planning and has just checked out of being a parent. I mentioned getting a vasectomy again, and she got furious, saying that she has the right to decide when we're done having kids. 

I feel like she just likes the attention of being pregnant but doesn't like being a parent. 

She didn't speak to me for a week when I said I didn't want to participate in a big social media pregnancy photoshoot and reveal. The only time she spends with our kids is when she's posing them for pictures on Instagram or Facebook. 

I haven't had an hour to myself in years. I don't know the last time I had a full night's sleep. I work, and I parent, that's all I do. My wife has hobbies and girls trips with her friends, movie nights with her sisters, "mom only" spa days.

This whole thing makes me feel gross and lost and manipulated, and I don't know what to do.

A.

I have two kids—a toddler and a teenager. My husband and I both work and share kid duties. And I am EXHAUSTED. It is not surprising to me that you feel that way too. Adding to this, an unequal partnership and lack of transparency from your wife, and your feelings seem quite valid to me. 

Lying about contraception and reproductive decisions in a partnership is not okay; it’s reproductive coercion. 

Reproductive coercion, as defined by the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, “involves behavior intended to maintain power and control in a relationship related to reproductive health by someone who is, was, or wishes to be involved in an intimate or dating relationship with an adult or adolescent. This behavior includes explicit attempts to impregnate a partner against her will, control outcomes of a pregnancy, coerce a partner to have unprotected sex, and interfere with contraceptive methods.”

The term is often used to describe ways in which cishet men perpetrate this type of abuse against cishet women. But this is not gender-exclusive behavior. 

While your wife may not be physically coercing you into sex, she is eliminating you from reproductive decision making.

Based on everything you wrote in your email, I would feel depressed and manipulated, too. 

With three kids and another on the way, it is imperative that you get some outside help here. And by outside help, I don’t mean a nanny. I mean a therapist. This level of dishonesty speaks to a more significant issue within your marriage. Marriage counseling seems like a must. And, I suggest you seek individual therapy as well. This is very tricky territory, with boundaries and honesty, and I think this is best unraveled with the help of a professional.

In the meantime, in a neutral moment, sit your wife down and write out a plan for dividing the childcare duties. 

Be direct and calm about how much you are struggling. Maybe by writing it all down, it will become clearer on just where the bulk of the workload has been falling. Perhaps she really feels that you’re not pitching in as much as you are. By getting things down on paper, it will feel less personal and more objective. 

Please, please, please, get some professional guidance from a therapist. If this marriage is going to survive, this dynamic has to change. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Amblygonite, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called STRUNG OUT: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, and it’s on sale now! 

Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: I'm Newly Sober—Will I Ever Feel Normal Again?

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin, 

How did you start feeling normal again after you stopped using heroin? How long did it take?

I am 28 years old and have been sober for almost four months. I went to rehab for four weeks and did outpatient for another four weeks. This was for opiate addiction, mostly pills, but I had started doing heroin because it was easier to get. 

Looking back, I think I had a problem even before I started with pills. In my early 20s, I did a lot of drinking and cocaine. Anyway, I was feeling sort of okay when I left rehab, but it’s even getting harder and harder because I thought I would feel more normal by now. 

I know it doesn’t happen overnight, but I feel so uncomfortable all the time. There is no relief. 

I don’t know how much more I can take. I feel like at some point I am going to snap. 

I know you have shared a lot about what you went through, which I really appreciate. When did it get better? What do I do right now to make it less excruciating? 

I am already going to AA and NA meetings. I see a therapist every other week. I hate my job, and I’m living with my sister. I am grateful she gave me a place to regroup and get back on my feet, but I also feel like she is just waiting for me to fuck up. BLAH. I am rambling, I guess. 

I am just looking for some hope. 

A.

First, congratulations on making it through rehab and staying sober as long as you have. It is NOT easy. The great thing about rehab is it gives you some time and space to learn how to stand again, without the pressures of the outside world. When you’re out of rehab, dealing with people and work or school, and now a pandemic, things get more challenging.

I remember so clearly that I was worried I would never feel normal again. I didn’t even know what normal was. The problems at the heart of my addiction had been there for as long as I remember, even before the drugs came into the picture.

When normal has meant being high, drunk, strung out, you have to reinvent what normal will be, not what it was.

In my 15 years of struggling with addiction, normal meant turning to heroin to regulate my emotions, to dampen my feelings. Normal was not feeling uncomfortable, alone, in pain without numbing it. In those years, during my brief periods of sobriety in between relapses, I felt like an alien who couldn’t breathe the air here on Earth. I wanted to exit, always. 

That dampening, numbing, exiting—it stopped working. I had to find a new normal. I had to, or I was going to die. 

I wanted normal to mean being able to function, to exist in my body without wanting to jump out of my skin. I wanted normal to mean that I could stay. 

It didn’t happen overnight, or in a month, or a year. But it got exponentially easier with each passing week. 

Recovery is a process. When I surrendered to the process, accepted that I felt abnormal, and trusted that the discomfort would pass, things clicked for me. If you stick with it, continue on this path, I know this will pass for you, too. 

It’s been over 17 years since I last used heroin; I promise you, it does get easier. 

You’re doing a fantastic job. Stay the course with meetings and therapy (which I know are online right now). Don’t be afraid if you need more support than that or different support than that. For me, I required additional mental health care (medication), and I needed to set myself on a path of deepening my spiritual life. Allow yourself the time and space to discover what else you might need. 

As for your sister, try not to focus on what you think her expectations or judgments are. You can’t control what she thinks or expects, and it’s not your job to guess. Chances are your perceptions are colored by the thoughts you have about yourself. Unless she has given you a reason to believe otherwise, trust that she has you living with her because she loves you and believes in your recovery. When we don’t know the truth, it can be easy to slip into assuming the worst. Give yourself the gift, and you may have to practice by repeating this to yourself, of assuming the best right now. 

Lastly, I want to address that this question came in just before the whole world shut down because of the COVID-19 pandemic. 

Even with 17 years of recovery, these days are not easy. 

I feel shaky. I’m not in the place anymore where I feel like I want to use, but I have been struggling with all of the feelings that used to make using a compulsion. I know how hard it must be to be in early sobriety right now. Please stay connected in any way you can with your support systems. Attend online meetings and therapy appointments, check-in with your friends daily via text, video chats, and phone calls. Create a schedule for yourself that includes taking care of your mental health. Look for an outlet for those feelings—playing music, singing, dancing, writing, drawing, anything that may help you to funnel your emotions. 

You are not alone. I say this to you and to anyone else who may feel alone, who may be struggling, I am here. 

I see you. DM me, email me. We can do this. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Magnetite, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called STRUNG OUT: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, and it’s on sale now! 

Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: I Can't Get Over My Feelings For My Boss

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin!

Last year I got into a murky affair with a man I work with who's significantly older than me and has kids and a partner he only lives with because they have a five-year-old together. He told me he and his partner hate each other. However, he's having trouble separating from her because even though they're not married, she still legally has a chance at full custody of the child (and apparently she's not the compromising, negotiating kind).

Even though he told me they hadn't been together for years, and they were doing everything they could to separate, it still felt murky to me. It still felt like cheating. 

We had to meet in secret; it didn't feel right.

Anyway, for the first few months, I had constant doubts and often ended things, but then kept going back. He was always pursuing me, so it was easy to go back. But then a few months ago, I developed feelings for him (don't judge; I had my reasons for seeing him before then, too), and it felt like the moment I opened up to him, he closed off. He stopped replying to my texts, and when I asked him for an explanation, he told me his life was in chaos, and he was negotiating with lawyers all the time to escape his horrible situation. 

It felt like he needed space, so I gave him space. Since I'd never told him about my new feelings for him, when the school year started (we're teacher colleagues), I decided to tell him then in a short conversation and see where that went. I was ready to let go if he said he didn't. To make matters worse, they promoted him to be my boss.

Anyway, I told him, and his response was not what I expected. He told me he wanted to get to know me, and he kissed me. Then he went back to work, and I didn't get a text from him for three weeks. 

After three weeks, he took me aside at work to apologize and told me his life was in just too much chaos, and he couldn't take on a relationship with anyone at the moment. I told him, “no problem; I get it.” I did get it, and I really felt I could move on.

Unfortunately, a few weeks after this, I was in his office one time, and he tried to kiss me. No explanation, just like that. I didn't let him, but it was also obvious on my part that I wanted to. After this happened, and still no texts, no asking if I was free sometime outside of work, I wrote him an email. I told him I really did have feelings for him and cared about him, and if he felt the same, then I'd like him to share more about his life. I'd like to know about what he's going through. I'd even like to help. But if he doesn't, then please don't kiss me. I sent the letter two weeks ago, and no response. 

He told me at work he'd respond verbally, but I am not willing to hunt him down to get a response out of him. 

I know that if he doesn't reach out to me (which he hasn't), I should accept that as closure, but I seem to have trouble doing that. 

Even though I have done everything I could—he knows how I feel, and evidently, he doesn't feel the same—I still can't stop feeling sad about how a year ago he would text me every day, offer me a ride every day after work, pursue me constantly. Now he just treats me like any other colleague.

I know I should just move on, but I don't know how.

A.

The heart of your problem is in the last sentence of your email. You know you need to move on, but you don’t know how. 

The simplest (and most unsatisfying) answer to what it takes to get over someone is time. 

But, there are things you can do to hasten the process. 

 First, continually remind yourself of what you’re losing. The answer? Not a whole lot. Here’s a guy who is, at best, in the throes of a chaotic separation, one that is taking a whole lot longer than it should. What’s more likely is that he has not given you the truth, and he was outright cheating on his wife and lying to you about the status of their relationship.

It doesn’t surprise me in the least that he pulled back and stopped pursuing you when you opened up about your feelings. 

His behavior smacks of someone addicted to drama, addicted to the chase, addicted to wanting what he shouldn’t want or can’t have. I say this as someone who, when I was younger, behaved like this guy. I cheated, I pulled people toward me and pushed them away. I was kind of a nightmare. And he is too.

You deserve to be with an honest person, who is not continually pushing you away and pulling you back, over and over again. 

What’s important now is that you don’t allow him to do so. How? By setting boundaries.

Although this question was sent in relatively recently, no matter where you are in the world, you are likely practicing social distancing because of the coronavirus and not physically in a workspace with him. If he texts you, put an end to it. Use this social distance to distance yourself emotionally. Focus on what you would like in a partner. I think you will find that your list includes someone available, someone who is not ghosting you and then pulling you in to then repeat the cycle. When we are back out in the world together, I think you will find that by letting go of him and this toxic situation, you can leave the door open for someone to enter your life who is available. 

Lastly, it would be helpful to process some of this with a therapist. It’s always a good idea to look at why we found ourselves attracted to unhealthy situations so that we don’t repeat the pattern. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Sardonyx, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called STRUNG OUT: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, and it’s on sale now! 

Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly

Ask Erin: My Girlfriend Doesn't Trust Me Because Of My Past

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

My girlfriend doesn’t trust me because of my past.

So I slept with a married man. I knew he was married. He kept pursuing me. I kept turning him down. Then one night, I decided to try it out with him. 

That was well over a year ago. Now I’m in a relationship, and my partner does not trust me. 

She says it’s because of the choices I made in the past. But I have not given her any reason not to trust me now. 

Is there something I can do to change how she feels about me?

A.

Trust is essential for a healthy partnership. 

Certainly, trust is earned, but I believe that trust also requires a leap of faith.

Even the ones we know best, the ones who love us, are capable of letting us down, are capable of breaking that trust. That’s where that leap of faith comes in. 

We all come into relationships with lived experiences. Maybe we regret some of them. But what can you do now, other than learn and grow? 

For this relationship to work, your partner is going to have to accept your past because there is nothing you can do to change it. 

I have been in relationships with partners who didn’t trust me, sometimes, often with good reason. And it makes it difficult to have any semblance of a healthy relationship. 

In reverse, I have been the one who couldn’t trust, even when there was no reason for me not to trust. Why? Because I didn’t trust myself. 

When we don’t have self-trust, it makes it near impossible to trust anyone else.

It sounds like this is going on with your partner. Your past makes her nervous. It triggers the underlying fears there that you will hurt her. Particularly when we’ve had past trauma, anything resembling a red flag can set our brains to work, protecting us from getting hurt again. 

Now you’ve asked if there’s something you can do to change how she feels? 

Truthfully, I don’t know. What you can do is ask her. And ask her if there is anything you’re doing now that sets off that trigger. Maybe it’s something she would be willing to address and work on in therapy. 

If she is unable to move beyond your past, I don’t think this relationship will work. I think you’ll find yourself having the same circular arguments over and over. Have an open conversation with her and see if she is willing to move past this.

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Dravite Tourmaline, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called STRUNG OUT: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, and it’s on sale now!  

Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: I Have Relationship Doubts Because My Boyfriend Comments On My Body

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

I have been with my boyfriend for over two years. At the start of our relationship, I was dealing with anorexia and bulimia. Since then, I have recovered and currently weigh 15-20kg more than what I weighed at the start of the relationship. 

I thought he didn’t mind, but a couple of months ago, I joked around saying, “oh, you love my tummy now.”

In response, he said, “I’m not gonna lie and say I love it.” 

That really took me back because I know I am bigger, but I am healthier now. I’ve recently slowly started getting back into exercise (took me a while because I was addicted during my eating disorder). He is constantly saying “oooh you’re gonna be skinny” or questioning what days I’ll be training etc. 

Because of all this, the last couple of months, I’m uncomfortable having sex, and my sex drive is little to none.

I have doubts about our relationship. 

I’m scared to bring it up with him because I don’t want to make him feel bad, but I don’t know what to do? I just need some clarity because I haven't told anyone about this. :( 

Thank you in advance.

 A.

I can understand why you haven’t told anyone about this. 

You haven’t told anyone because you know, in your heart, that his comments are toxic, and anyone who loves you would see that, too. 

This is a common phenomenon. I’ve done it. Most of us have done it. We minimize or omit the parts of our relationships that reveal what’s unhealthy, toxic, or even abusive. 

No one should be commenting on your body. No one. And yes, he’s been conditioned in the same ways we all have—skinny is better, sexier, healthier. That’s a lie. 

Your body is sexy and healthy and beautiful TODAY. 

You have doubts about your relationship? I have doubts about it too. It’s extra concerning to me that he is keeping tabs on your exercise schedule. That’s another huge red flag. It’s controlling and not the behavior of a supportive partner. It’s the opposite of supportive. 

It does not surprise me that you don’t feel comfortable having sex with him. And truthfully, he doesn’t deserve getting pleasure from your body. 

Please don’t worry about making him feel bad by speaking to him about this. In the best-case scenario, he is unaware of how his words affect you. If we give him the benefit of the doubt, tell him why it bothers you, and further, why we don’t comment on other people’s bodies in general. 

If he cares for you, he will listen, he will learn, he will change his behavior. But if he does not, dump him. 

You don’t deserve this. 

Lastly, relationships, in general, can be huge triggers, let alone when there is a dialogue that directly reinforces the thinking patterns that get us into trouble. This is a time to make extra space for taking care of your mental health. 

I want to make sure that you are getting the support you need for your ED. 

If you can speak with a therapist about it, I encourage you to do so. Support groups like the 12-step programs EDA (Eating Disorders Anonymous) and ABA (Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous) have many online meetings that you can access today. And I think it’s essential to open up to the people you love and trust in your life. I know for me, when I am in a slippery place mentally, the act of telling someone that alleviates so much of the feeling that I am drowning in it. You are not alone, and you don’t have to go through this alone. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Anyolite, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called STRUNG OUT: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, and it’s on sale now!

Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: I'm Ashamed I'm An Addict

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

I need to help myself. I don’t know if you will read this, but inside I’m screaming for someone to hear me. 

I’m really ashamed to say that I am an addict—I don’t think I have ever said that before. 

It all started a few years ago. I had extreme nerve pain that kept reoccurring, and we couldn’t figure out why. I was finally given oxycodone because the pain was so bad. It was a relief to not be in pain, but it also gave me emotional relief. I was in an unhappy marriage with a toddler at home, and my mom was dying of cancer. I am ashamed to say that at the end of my mom’s life, I stole pain meds from her. 

I have been struggling to stay well enough physically and emotionally to take care of my kid. My husband left me in the middle of all this. He has literally disappeared from my life. I am a single mom. I have some support from my dad and stepmom, but I feel so alone. And I am admitting here I am also an addict. 

I wish I could wake up in the morning and be free of this addiction. 

What am I going to do?

I guess just writing this helps. I wanted to write in just so someone might hear me, might help me. 

Thank you. 

A.

I understand the shame you’re feeling all too well. I spent 15 years struggling with heroin addiction, trapped in a cycle of repeated relapse, primarily driven by shame. It can be easy to forget your humanity when you’re struggling with addiction. I want to remind you of who you are underneath the drugs. You are not your addiction. 

Addiction is not a moral failing. You are a human being struggling with a very human condition. 

That you’re struggling with this does not make you a bad person. You are in need of help. You writing to me, sharing this with me, is a significant first step. That’s why you felt some relief just in writing that email. 

Is there a person you trust in your life who you could go to with this information, someone who may be able to be of support to you? Maybe your dad and stepmom, or a friend? I ask this because I know that when I got through the fear of letting anyone see what was really going on, it allowed me to lessen that massive load of shame I’d been carrying, allowed me to be seen a little bit, and made me feel like maybe, just maybe, I wasn’t all alone in this. 

I know what the loneliness of hiding in addiction feels like. Even if you don’t feel like there is anyone in your world you can turn to, you did reach out to me. I am here; there will be others here for you, too. 

You are not alone; you don’t have to go through this alone. 

Reaching out for help is going to get you on your way to getting help and lessen the burden of loneliness and shame. And you do need help. This is a health issue. The first thing to address is the physical addiction. There are several ways to approach this. I do think the best option is some sort of inpatient program where you can detox and have a safe place to process during the acute phase of withdrawal. 

I know as a parent, especially a single parent, that can sound daunting to leave for days or weeks. You did mention your dad and stepmom are involved. If they could step in, it would well be worth it. As a mom, you want to give yourself the best chance at recovery. As you said, staying physically and emotionally well enough to parent has been a struggle. 

Making recovery a priority is essential to your ability to parent. 

That said, if, for some reason, an inpatient program is an impossibility, there are other options such as medication-assisted treatment (MAT), 12-step program meetings such as AA or NA — which are free and widely available (even online), and SMART recovery. 

There is no one-size-fits-all solution, but the options mentioned above have helped many people. Whatever you decide, aftercare is essential. Perhaps even more important than what to do in the immediate is planning for the long-term. 

Recovery includes more than just removing the drugs; it’s about rebuilding your life, a new one. 

I want to talk to you about grief, which is why that aftercare is so essential. You’ve experienced a lot of loss in recent years. You lost your mother. You lost a spouse. You have transitioned to single parenting. And, you’ve lost yourself along the way. 

But you’re still here. I believe in you.

I know there will be moments for you when this feels impossible, when this feels like it won’t get better, when it may feel worse without the drugs. Everything won’t be magically fixed overnight, but I can promise you this… 

It will get better. It will get easier. You can find yourself again. 

I never imagined that I’d be free from drugs, free from the loneliness and shame, free from the self-loathing, but I am. I believe you will be, too.

Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you need some guidance on finding help in your area. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Golden Topaz, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.

Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called STRUNG OUT: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, and it’s on sale now!

Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.