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Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez
She told me that they slept together, not once, not twice, but three times. I felt sick because she is my ride-or-die, but that’s my sister… Now, what do I do? Do I tell my sister? Do I tell my brother-in-law I know? Do I end a 25-year friendship?
My friend could be described as awkward with sometimes rude behavior. She was recently unofficially diagnosed with a processing disorder which she has embraced. I want to support her by giving good feedback and would hate to ghost her in our friendship, but some of her behaviors have become overwhelming for me.
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Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez
Should I tell him that I've been feeling this way or just leave it alone?
It breaks my heart. He's with someone else that treats him so poorly, but I don't want to ruin our friendship…
Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez
Dear Erin,
The friends I have usually have been friends for a long time, and I sometimes make new ones. But I don't seem to have enough friends (those I have are often too busy to do things, and I might do something with each of them once every year or two). I definitely have no close friends at this point.
That's okay. Years ago, I tried that Dale Carnegie stuff, and I found it just made things worse since all it did was teach me how to bend over backward to maintain fake friendships with people who didn't really like me and with whom I never had much if any fun. (In one case even I befriended someone who made it a condition of the friendship that I couldn't talk to her anymore.)
As soon as I would slip up and be real, I would not just lose a friend but usually gain an enemy. Worse, the submissiveness and genuine care for others' feelings it taught me to adopt as second nature have turned me into a reclusive little wimp because it makes me hyperaware of how others dislike me. (Being sarcastic and disagreeable really works a lot better when you can be bold and confident about it.)
Other ideas such as volunteering haven't been happy experiences for me or for the people I have worked with/for, and again I am more likely to gain enemies than friends with these activities.
Putting on a fake smile and pretending to be interested in and positive about stuff I don't like just seems to breed resentment in people once I am "found out.” It has proven time and again over 15+ years to fail.
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I didn’t know who Dale Carnegie was, so I looked him up. (For those who don’t know he wrote How to Win Friends and Influence People, which I have never read.) Anyhow, it sounds like you didn’t get much out of the courses.
I am sorry you’ve been struggling to make and maintain friendships. Understandably, you feel frustrated and lonely. I think it’s important to acknowledge that you are aware that you’re difficult to get along with. This is a significant factor here.
I was struck by what you mentioned about a friend whose condition of continuing friendship with you required not to speak. That’s extreme and not the foundation of a friendship at all. What all of these friends and ex-friends have in common is you.
You are likely comfortable being sarcastic and disagreeable. A little of this goes a long way. It can be exhausting for other people to spend time and energy with someone who appears not to care. I have had friendships like this in the past, and they were difficult to maintain because, at a certain point, I would think this person doesn’t even like me; what am I doing here?
I’m curious if you’ve addressed this with a therapist. I know you mentioned the courses, but clearly, that wasn’t the answer. You said that after the courses, you felt more aware of how others disliked you.
Which is why I’m going to circle back to therapy. It sounds like some things need to be worked out. It may seem like a cliché, but the quality of our relationships with others is dependent on the quality of the relationship we have with ourselves.
I also think you need to get clear with yourself about what you desire in friendship, what qualities in another person would make you want to be friends with them. Be conscious of treating others the way you want to be treated.
As for where and how to find like-minded people, look for people who have the same interests as you. While volunteering is lovely, that may not be the most effective way to find your people. Don’t discount online groups as a means of finding friends. As a writer, I have formed some of my deepest friendships with people I met online in writing groups. Many of those friendships transferred to IRL friendships. Seek out groups that align with your interests, whatever they may be.
I think if you dig deep on this, you will find that it’s easier to have people in our life when we know sometime down the line we may sabotage things with our behavior. Sarcasm and disagreeableness make it easy to keep people at arm’s length. I don’t believe that’s the real you. That’s the armored you.
Take a chance on being vulnerable, and you will likely find that you form the connections you’ve wanted all along.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Sodalite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO
*This column first appeared on Ravishly.
Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez
She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
Dear Erin,
I'm hoping you can offer me some insight on the following situation. I'm 33 years old, happily single at the moment, loving my job and my passions (folk music, dancing, writing, staying in shape), but …
I've done some serious work on myself, been to therapy, established the basis of a healthy relationship with myself and others, and with life itself, and with the potential of a serious romantic relationship. I no longer binge-drink, I take my job as a music teacher seriously, and I respect the boundaries of how much activity my body is able to take on. I give myself time to rest and no longer expect myself to go above and beyond what everybody else is doing. I no longer sleep around or engage in any type of toxic or unhealthy relationship (such as hooking up with a coworker who has a wife and kids).
I'm proud of all these things, but I feel alone. One of my friends sleeps around and binge-drinks and wants to party all the time, and I have no interest in that anymore. Another friend badly needs therapy but instead likes to call me and drain my energy with her complaining for three or four hours at a time. And so on.
However, I also don't know how to let them know tactfully, that I still love them, I just don't like them very much and don't feel like spending time with them. The concern is not that I will remain alone and never make new friends. I'm very social, and I also know these energy shifts always take you in the direction you need to go. My concern is hurting people who have been able to rely on me, and I on them, and I don't think it's their fault they've gotten stuck in the same thing while I've been able to change so much.
Thank you for reading and much love…
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I feel for you. It’s painful to outgrow friendships. And I understand that you don’t want to hurt these people. Before you proceed, you need to make a decision.
If you want to keep these relationships but with less involvement, that is possible. As you mentioned, you’ve set boundaries. You can continue to set any boundary that makes you feel comfortable. I have done this before, needed to distance myself from friendships for one reasoner another. But I didn’t want the friends out of my life; I just couldn’t remain so intertwined with their drama. And it worked.
Some of them became closer friends again after a time. And some have remained more like acquaintances, and that’s okay too. We can still care for and love people from a distance.
Conversely, I know I have been on the other side of this. I sensed it and truthfully was happier to have had these friends remain in my life in a limited way, rather than lose them altogether. I don’t fault them for any of it. Sometimes we just have to let go of certain people.
You can be clear but kind. Some people will intuit the shift through your increased boundaries and decreased availability. But others may need a bit more clarity. And really, they deserve that. There is no reason you can’t deliver the truth with kindness. It’s what you would want if the roles were reversed.
So what do you say? Lead with gratitude for the friendship you have shared. Then let them know why the friendship is not sustainable for you. You can say something like, “It’s become hard for me to feel comfortable spending time together because we are in very different places in our lives.” Or, “When you come to me for advice, I can’t give you the answers you’re looking for.”
Acknowledge that ending the friendship doesn’t come easily for you and that you wish nothing but the best for them. It’s up to you how open you leave the door for social interactions. And remember this…
They might be hurt, angry, sad, or indifferent. But, if you speak the truth, and do so with compassion, then you don’t need to carry guilt because you've stepped away from a relationship that is not right for you anymore.
Compassion, kindness, and honesty are key to walking away from any relationship in a healthy manner, especially with those we used to call friends.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Golden Rutilated Quartz, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
*This column first appeared on Ravishly.
Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez
She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
Hi Erin,
I have a new online friendship with Ellie (not her real name). Ellie has a lot going on in her life, more than most. She's a full-time caregiver, and she also has mental health issues with anxiety and depression.
She's not the only friend I have with these issues, and she won't be the last. This is the bit where I am a bitch. I will never say no to her sounding off. She has a lot of stress. But I don't want to spend an entire weekend validating her, reassuring her again and again and again.
It can last for days sometimes. If I don't respond immediately, she sulks and lashes out. Then I get the apologies, and it all starts all over again.
And frankly, even if I didn't have all that, sometimes I just don't want to.
But it appears that I'm it. She doesn't have much of a life due to her caring responsibilities. She finds it difficult to make friends.
I am not equipped for this — but I can't cut her off because everyone needs someone.
What do I do?
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I understand your tough position. My entire life, even when I was a complete wreck, friends and acquaintances came to me for advice.
And that can be exhausting.
Now, with my weekly Ask Erin column, I receive more than 100 emails a week from strangers needing help. I have often felt the pressure and responsibility that comes with that. But I can’t help everyone. I answer one question per week in the column, occasionally more questions in Facebook and Instagram lives, and am working on some other ways to answer a greater number of questions.
I am only one person, and you said something that rings as true for me as it does for you. “I am not a therapist.”
That said, you want to be there for her within reason. But your need to consider your family, your job, and your wellbeing ahead of hers is not akin to you being a bitch. That’s called taking care of yourself. Without doing that, you can’t truly be of service to anyone else.
So how do you handle this? How can you “be there” for a friend without drowning in her drama, however unfortunate her situation may be? In a word — boundaries. A word we are all familiar with but not always adept at implementing.
Why do we have a hard time with boundaries? Many of us, especially women, were raised to be people-pleasers and caregivers. It can take a decent amount of undoing learned behavior. If you set a boundary, you are not a bitch. Nor are you responsible for her reaction to that boundary. I have said this before when discussing boundary-setting and it rings true here too…
You can set that boundary with compassion and kindness. Something along the lines of: “I know you are really struggling, and I wish there were more that I could do, but I need to take care of my family and responsibilities right now.”
If she sulks and lashes out, ignore it. If she then comes back with apologies, you can set a new boundary. Something along the lines of, “I understand that you get disappointed when I can’t be there for you in the way that you want me to, but I can’t accept this pattern of lashing out at me and apologizing repeatedly. It’s not healthy for either one of us. If you can’t respect that, I can’t be in your life. I care for you and want to be your friend, but I don’t want us to be stuck in an unhealthy cycle.”
If you don’t set those boundaries, you will need up resenting her. Plus, you’re not helping her by not setting limits.
Lastly, if this seems like a pattern for you with friends, you should address this issue in therapy or a support group like CoDA or Al-Anon.
Get those boundaries up!
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Citrine, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
This column first appeared on Ravishly.
She wants things done HER way, and if somebody else comes with another idea, she screws it up. Artwork by Tess Emily Rodriguez
Dear Erin,
If she wants pizza, we all go to eat pizza. If she wants to invite us to her house, we go to her house.
She always makes the plans, and they work. But when I want to set a plan, they never work.
She always has an excuse. All our interests that she doesn't share are boring or stupid for her. Like, we all have to agree to watch an orchestra concert, but she never agrees on going outside dancing. She wants us in her house, but she'll never go to visit me at my house.
How can I stop her from doing this?
We all have one of these friends. Heck, at some point, some of us have been that friend.
First, let’s address your actual question: “How can I stop her from doing this?”
We can’t control other people. There is nothing you can do to stop her from behaving how she has been behaving. BUT, you can change your behavior.
For starters, be direct with her. Say this: “I’ve noticed that you always take the reins by making plans. I have planned this (fill in the blank).”
If she protests or says it’s “boring” or stupid,” say: “Don’t feel obligated to join us, but we hope you do.”
By taking charge in this way, you are setting a boundary. If she tries to engage further, just end the conversation.
From your email, it’s indicated that she is like this with your entire friend group, I think it’s best to get this all out in the open with them as well — not as a means to gang up on her, but if you all change this dynamic, she will be forced to change…
or walk away which doesn’t sound like the worst thing if she acts like a tyrant all the time.
If this opens up a conversation, share your feelings with her. I have found that being direct (while remaining kind about it) is the most clear-cut path to remedying tension or awkwardness.
As we enter a new year, I hope you implement these changes. You will ALL be a lot happier, even your bossy friend.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m listening to, what I’m watching, Black Tourmaline, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
Artwork by Tess Emily Rodriguez
Dear Ask Erin,
I'm in a small circle of close-knit moms whose kids were in the same class at school a few years ago. Some of the kids have moved to different schools now, but the moms get along so well that we all agreed to keep in touch and we still regularly meet up for mom's night out and various activities.
It gets annoying, but she's honestly such a lovely and sweet person most of the time that we just grumble about it in whispers to one another. Every single mom in the group has complained about this behavior privately.
The thing that really bothers me is that her selling is shrouded in friendship-like banter.She'll ask about a project of mine or something that's important to me and casually include a link to her new product line. It makes me feel like she's not genuinely interested in what's going on with me, rather she's looking for *any* excuse to push her merchandise.
I haven't wanted to say anything to her for fear of offending or upsetting her. I know this is how she earns her living. But this morning, I got the same type of "sales/friendship" text at 6:30 am!!!
I don't think I can take it anymore and the other moms aren't willing to let her know how they feel, but I feel like something has to give!
Please help! How can I get her to stop without hurting her or the friendship I think we have?
— Sick of MLM
Dear Sick of MLM,
You are not alone. There are SO many of us that can relate to your plight.
And while you and your other mutual friends have been wanting to be polite or not hurt her feelings, you are doing yourselves and her a disservice by not setting the boundary and being honest.
So how do you break it to her gently?Set aside a time to speak with her about the privately.You can do this in person or by phone.Make an appointment or date with her for a chat.
And say something like this: “Hey, I wanted to touch base with you about something. I am 100% supportive of your business and want you to succeed, but I need to ask you not to try to sell to me when we are hanging out. It interrupts the time we have together — which I cherish. If you’d ever like to speak to me about something related to business, let’s plan that ahead of time, so the two don’t get mixed up.”
If your friend is trying to recruit you into the MLM, be clear that you are not interested in getting involved in the business.
If she is selling a product you would never buy, you can amend the above statement to include something that indicates that you support her business, but it is not a product that interests you, that you’re not her target audience.
If, after setting the boundary, she slips in the sales pitch during friend time, say something at the moment: “Hey, I appreciate that you’re trying to grow your business, but remember what I said before? I don’t want to feel like our time together is about selling me something. I care about our friendship, and that’s what I want to focus on.”
I would encourage your other mutual friends to do the same. You can do so with kindness, and the kinder thing to do is to be straightforward with her, rather than complain about her behind her back.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Dioptase, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
Artwork by Tess Emily Rodriguez
This is something that has haunted me for many years.
I hadn't seen her for some time as she had moved in with him and she insisted that I come to spend a weekend with them. He was a couple of years older than us and could drive and buy alcohol.
My friend wanted to party, and her boyfriend went out and brought a couple of bottles of liquor. We were all drinking, and I noticed that the boyfriend hadn't been drinking all that much but seemed to be quite happy to keep pouring drinks for the two of us. I didn't think too much of it at the time.
Later on, my friend pulled me aside and told me that her boyfriend was quite interested in having a threesome with us. I laughed it off and declined because I was a virgin at the time and losing my virginity in a three-way with my friend, and her new boyfriend was definitely not on my to-do list. The topic of sex was discussed some more, and I made a few jokes about how it was no good talking to me about that sort of thing. I had absolutely nothing to add, just trying to joke my way out of an uncomfortable situation.
The boyfriend started talking about how he had friends that he could set me up with to help me out and I laughed, and I think I said something along the lines of that would be very nice, thanks. I was very drunk and my friend even more so.
She passed out, and the boyfriend insisted on helping me to the bedroom that I was sleeping in. I didn't want to appear rude, so I accepted his help. He escorted me to the bedroom and hugged me. And this is the part that saddens and confuses me. I hugged the boyfriend back, kissed him on the cheek, and told him that I didn't want to be a virgin anymore, that I really should try this "sex thing." I meant about him setting me up with a friend, but I think he took that to mean that I wanted to have sex with him.
I went into the bedroom, got undressed, got into bed, and turned the lights out.
I was close to passing out myself when I heard the door open.
I'm ashamed to say that after it was over, I sobbed in his arms about what a slut I was and what a terrible friend I was. His way of "comforting" me was to climb on top of me again.
After that weekend was over, I barely spoke to my friend, and I don't see her all that often anymore. We are still friends, and she is still with him. I don't think she knows what happened and if she does, she either pretends it never happened because I'm sure he would have told her that I hit on him or she chose to ignore it as she does with the other women he cheated on her with.
The topic of that awful night has only been brought up by him once. It was a few weeks later, and he emailed me and told me that he would "never forget that amazing night because I was so wonderful in bed." I read that, emailed back “thanks," and threw up.
Just thinking about it now makes me feel sick, but I don't know whether I feel sick because I was raped or whether I am just that terrible friend and drunk slut.
Okay, first of all, you are not a terrible friend or a drunk slut. Please stop beating yourself up about this.
If you could go back in time, would you make different choices? Maybe.
This boyfriend of hers took advantage of a drunk minor, who he plied with alcohol. EVEN if you kissed him, EVEN if you commented about not wanting to be a virgin anymore, at no point did this adult man obtain consent.
What he did was wrong. What he did was rape. You were a minor. You did not consent. You were inebriated. Drunk people cannot consent.
I am so sorry that this happened to you. I am so sorry that you have spent however many years beating yourself up over this.
I want to encourage you to seek the help of a therapist or support group in processing this.This sh*t stays with us. I know. There are excellent resources out there. RAINN is a good place to start.
Secondly, I want you to write two emails — one to this asshole and one to your friend. I want you to get all the truth out, and then set those emails aside for a while. Save them as drafts.After you’ve received some support and had a little distance, revisit them, revise as needed, and if you feel as if it will bring further closure, send them. But let yourself have the time and space to consider that before you do. I think that the act of writing them alone will bring you some closure.
And I see her and believe her.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I'm not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I've gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, what I’m watching,what I’m reading, Magnetite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me ataskerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez
Hi, Erin.
My question may be one that you get a lot from people: my best friend is making a huge mistake, and obviously, I know I can't interfere, but supporting her also feels wrong.
We've been friends since childhood, for about 20 years now, and we've been there for each other through horrible struggles with low self-esteem which we both dealt with over the years. I've been a train wreck myself in the past, but fortunately, I think I've got things sorted out now and have a normal set of values and sense of self-worth. She, however, is in her first relationship for the fourth year now; up until she was 29 all she'd ever experienced was the bitterness of unrequited love and the occasional one-night stand (not the good kind. The semi-rapey, humiliating kind).
They moved in together pretty much right from the start — the reason being that he got evicted from his apartment (red flag!). They rented a flat together, the expenses of which she has paid almost entirely, working 12 hour days for about three years, while he was jobless and constantly letting her believe he was on the brink of launching a new enterprise (I really think he believed it too).
He now has had a job for about two months, but it seems to me from the evenings I've spent at their place since then that he has absolutely no idea how to deal with stress, and when he gets home, he's so mean to my friend. On the flip side, though, she's super-clingy with him, and I get that he feels suffocated.
I really don't think he loves her; he's just too weak to get out of this mess, and she's too low on confidence to get out of it, not having any other relationship experience (I remember how hard it was for me to get out of my first relationship, and it was much worse than theirs).
He didn't propose or anything; she just decided to discuss it with him, and he seemed reluctant to say no. She even told me, very unemotionally, that she only wants to marry him "because I'm at an age where I should be thinking about kids, and I can't think of a valid reason not to marry him.”
It also breaks my heart that the guy is doing the postponing game that he always does: "why don't we wait till the spring…," never wanting to tie himself down to anything specific, but also too weak to flat-out say no.
I find it more and more difficult to spend any time at all with my friend, even though I love her dearly. She's always spewing negativity, and I feel like she's setting herself up for either a lifetime of chaotic suffering or a huge disappointment (and for her sake, I hope it's the latter). I really feel like I can't smile and nod at her wedding plans anymore, but I'm also afraid of making her angry and her cutting me out of her life.
Please help!
It is understandable why you are so concerned about your friend.
So what can you do?
Mainly… listen. You certainly can express your concerns, but ultimately you are not going to be the one to change her mind about this. As you know from getting out of your own unhealthy relationship, it takes what it takes to arrive there. Talk to her from your perspective, using your personal experience with untangling from a toxic situation, to shed some light on what it is you see that she may be unable or unwilling to see right now.
The good news is that he is playing the postponing game. Let’s hope he keeps postponing away. If nothing else, at least he’s not eager to get to the proverbial altar.
Now, there is something else you can (and should) do for your own peace of mind.
Might she react poorly? Yes. But, if you speak to her from the heart, coming from a place of compassion, she is more likely to hear you. It’s the only thing you can do because pretending to be there for her and listen while secretly resenting her is not good for anyone.
Lastly, it is absolutely possible to support a loved one and not support a decision or behavior. And, you can even tell her that.
My gut says that your friendship will outlast her crappy relationship.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I'm not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I've gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, what I’m reading,what I’m watching, Pyrite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me ataskerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
Artwork by Tess Emily Rodriguez
I don’t know if this is up your alley, Erin, but I’m hoping you can help.
My husband and I are good friends with another couple.
When we’re over there, they’ll often disappear upstairs for ages (not for THAT reason; she’ll randomly have a shower while we’re hanging out and not come back down for 45 minutes, for example).
When they come here, we agree on a time, and they always text just as I’m putting dinner in the oven to say that they’ll be an hour later than anticipated. (Usually when our kids are in the process of going to bed.)
I know not every family is like ours. He was raised to be 15 minutes early for everything, and my parents were always running 15–30 minutes late, which made me punctual when I moved out because I know it isn’t respectful of people’s time to be late.
She’s from a South American country originally and time isn’t quite as rigid a concept there.
Or am I wrong to expect and hope for that?
Although I can, on occasion, be tardy, chronic lateness like this really gets under my skin.
So, what to do? As in most situations, I believe in a direct and thoughtful approach.
Let them know that with your busy life, scheduling is essential. When they are an hour plus late, it throws you off. Additionally, it's okay to let them know that it makes you feel disrespected. If you are closer to one of them, you could speak to them privately, unless the two of you want to approach them, couple to couple.
I know when I’ve been late in the past, my mind has crunched the numbers to “oh, I’m going to be 15-ish minutes late,” which could mean a half hour.
You can remind them of the past couple of times they were late and how that impacted you.
I have a few people in my life who are always late. Once I started just telling them we were meeting 30 minutes earlier than we were, I saved us both a lot of stress. And, should they actually be on time, it might be a good lesson!
Again, setting a boundary around your very valuable time is totally okay! When you make plans, ask them what a realistic meeting time is. Once you’ve set the time, give them a time frame of availability. Say you have dinner plans at 7. Let them know how much you are looking forward to it, and that if they’re running more than 30 minutes behind (or 20 minutes or whatever you’re comfortable with), you will have to reschedule.
As with most things in life, clear communication and boundary setting are essential. Good luck!
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I'm not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I've gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, what I’m reading,Citrine, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me ataskerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez
Where to start?
So I have this friend. We've traveled in the same circle for about a decade, and in that time I've repeatedly been made aware of her sketchy behavior. She clearly has serious mental health issues which I am sympathetic to, but needless to say, that doesn't excuse her apparently dishonest and manipulative behavior, or deliberate crossing of other people's boundaries.
She's even gone so far as to trigger someone's PTSD deliberately, and repeatedly. It seems somewhat self-aware but also compulsive. The impact can be very serious. Two people she's emotionally abused have had crises recently, and although her responsibility in those situations is partial, it's still very real.
For the last few years, it seemed like these behaviors were in remission. She'd quit drinking, joined the same church as me, and as far as I know, had relative peace and stability in her personal relationships.
The worst she's ever done to me personally is slander me behind my back, and I was more than willing to forgive that and keep her history to myself with our newer friends, as long as it wasn't relevant. I've tried to be supportive and get to know her better.
I think she really wants to be well, and a "good person." But it seems like she been slowly descending into a crisis: leaving her job, relapsing on amphetamines (Adderall), and lately, abusing a mutual friend of ours. On top of that, when that abusive dynamic came to a head, she lied to me to manipulate the situation — to discredit the victim, protect her reputation, and assert power in the victim's life. Luckily, I'd already double-checked the facts, in anticipation of just that kind of manipulation. Sadly, it's just like old times and very predictable.
Now I don't know what to do. Ghosting her, my first impulse if I'm honest, means uprooting myself from my spiritual community. It also means abandoning her at a time when she's clearly in crisis — and in the past, her crises have led to self-harm and suicide attempts.
No matter what she's done, I don't want that for her. She even reached out to me recently but before things got quite so bad, and I was unavailable. I want to follow through. I feel like it's the right thing to do.
However, that means interacting with her. I have deliberately held back in my communication with her, but I think she knows I'm mad at her, and possibly that I know about her drug use, recent abuse of our friend, and other behavior that she probably doesn't want me to know about.
She's an emotionally volatile and very sensitive person, who seems to take everything very personally and through a very intensely filtered emotional lens, and I'm a fairly tactless "on the spectrum" gal.
Normally I would just explain the way I feel directly ("I care about you, and I feel angry because . . . ") but I can imagine no way of framing that where she would really hear me right now. However, she's running out of friends who know about her struggles yet don't just coddle her and normalize her bizarre and abusive behavior (and that is only one friend).
I'm worried about her. I'm also angry with her. I know she thinks I would judge her for many of the things she's doing and despite my best efforts, I do to some extent. I'm no saint.
Is there a way of communicating that might be good? An indirect way to be supportive?Something else entirely? Is abandoning someone in need really my only option here?
You are a compassionate person — to be able to continue caring for someone who has trampled boundaries and proven to be quite toxic in your life.
She sounds like the type of person who relies (perhaps unconsciously) on the kindness and empathy of others (like yourself) to enable her behavior. If everyone in her life set firm boundaries, her behavior wouldn’t work anymore.
Think of it in simple terms. If a kid throws a tantrum when they don’t get there way — and they will really go town with that tantrum — they are banking on the fact that, eventually, you will give in.
Does that kid know any better? Maybe not. But that doesn’t make it okay to condone that sort of acting out.
Regardless of her mental health and/or addiction issues, her behavior is not acceptable. You can still show compassion for someone without letting them get away with toxic behavior.
You mentioned that you are worried she might harm herself. And she might. Please know that is not your responsibility. If you are genuinely concerned that she is in immediate danger of hurting herself, you can contact a family member (and 911, although the police are my last resort here). Again, people who are acting out like that depend on you being afraid that they will harm themselves. I am not saying that to dismiss her mental health issues or diminish the seriousness of someone who is struggling with suicidal ideation.
But, you are not a doctor. There is only so much you can do.
You don’t need to remove yourself from your community to set boundaries with her. What you need to do is communicate with her as clearly as possible. I know you expressed concern about your bluntness. You can communicate directly and still be kind.
First, write down exactly what you want to say.
Once you’ve done that, practice saying it out loud. Think of how you would want someone to communicate with you.
You could try something along the lines of “I care about you. I believe you are a good person.But, I can’t be around you when you do x, y, and z. It makes me anxious and uncomfortable.You may not realize that you are hurting other people. I can’t have you in my life if you behave this way. That doesn’t mean I don’t care for you. I want you to get some professional help.”
That is not abandoning her. That is setting clear boundaries. If she wants to be in your life, she has to respect those. You don’t have to apologize or feel bad about your boundaries. I cannot reiterate this enough…
You don’t have control over her behavior or how she will react. But you do have control over your life and your boundaries. This is the only way people will change or be pushed to get help — when others break the dysfunctional dynamic.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I'm not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I've gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, what I’m watching,what I’m reading, Rose Quartz, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo