She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
Q.
Dear Erin,
My partner and I have been together for seven years.
Our sex life has always been difficult, as I have kidney disease and a low libido.
Sometimes I think he just doesn't understand that. We have started having more sex recently, but he gets bored very easily and always wants to try new positions. This is great—I love that—but I have physical limitations and get pain from penetration in certain positions.
He thinks I'm purposely making it painful or lying about it, which results in arguments time and time again.
I don’t know how to fix this. What should I do?
A.
It’s not uncommon for one partner to have a higher libido than the other. That can be worked on. There are ways to find balance. Being willing to experiment, finding a place, sexually, in which you both feel satisfied, is reasonable.
What concerns me here is that your partner is not acknowledging that you’re in physical pain.
It’s impossible to truly quantify individual pain. Despite any 1-10 pain charts or comparisons you can make, there is no way for him to get it. But that shouldn’t matter. He should hear you when you say, “this hurts.”
It’s a red flag, a big one. This is your partner of seven years, one who has no doubt witnessed what you go through with a chronic illness.
Another thing—even if it wasn’t about physical pain—when you say you don’t enjoy something sexually, your partner should not be bullying and guilting you into compliance.
My advice? Walk away.
Allow yourself the opportunity to find someone who respects your body, your voice, your boundaries.
For me, it seems highly unlikely that your partner is going to change his behavior. From your email, it sounds like he’s been this way for some time. He’s unsatisfied? Then let him go and get satisfied elsewhere. You don’t owe this man anything. But you do owe yourself the respect of being with a partner with whom you are sexually compatible, one who does care about your comfort, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Sunstone, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.
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