She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
Q.
Hi Erin,
I'd been in a relationship for six months. My boyfriend and I spent a lot of time together when we first met. He was so attentive to me. But as the months passed, I noticed his attention was more so other places.
He spends a lot of time on social media, and I got curious. One day I decided to look at what he was doing.
I found several explicit messages to several different women on his cell phone.
This is not the first time I discovered something like this. Two months into our relationship, I looked through his phone, and I saw something that upset me. I admitted to him. He made excuses. At the time, I brushed it off because I came to the conclusion that we had just met, and maybe those were old affairs.
But at six months in, I saw that he had never stopped. I broke up with him that day and walked away, and I have not been in touch since.
The problem is that I feel miserable. I miss him so bad some days, and then other days I get through without a problem. I wanted to come back to him right after we broke up, but I realized my worth.
I believe that if he cared the way he said he does, then he would never have continued sexting other women still after I confronted him about it the first time.
I'm trying to figure out if I made the right decision.
I want him back, but he would have to come clean and be honest with me about everything. Then I think, at my age, I know that that's probably not going to happen. So I'm using my no contact time to get over the breakup versus waiting for him to come back.
Do you think I did the right thing? Should I reach out to him?
A.
Breakups are hard, even when it was your decision, even when you know it was the right choice. Although you wrote this email, asking for my opinion, asking if I thought you’d done the right thing, you know the answer.
It was the right decision.
He showed you who he is, twice. You don’t want to be in a committed relationship with someone who, well, is not committed. Perhaps your ex would be better off in an open relationship, which is fine. What’s not okay is not disclosing this to you, his girlfriend.
Understandably, you feel miserable. You’re mourning the loss of a relationship and reconciling your feelings for someone who wasn’t who you thought he was.
I promise the sadness you feel about the breakup is not permanent.
The most important ingredient for healing is time, which can be frustrating. But the discomfort will lessen, and one day you won’t feel it at all.
I always think therapy is a good idea when we’re going through stress or loss or grief or trauma. Seeing a therapist could help you navigate through this ending.
You should not reach out to him. Not now. If you decide one day that you’d like a friendship with him, sure, reach out. I do think exes can be friends. But that can’t happen until you are through the heartache. And I want you to remember what you said in your email—I realized my worth. That prevented you from reaching out to him. Make a note in your phone, write it on a Post-It and stick it on your bathroom mirror or next to your bed or in your car.
The man you want back does not exist.
That’s okay. Many of us, myself included, have been there. We fall for who we want people to be rather than who they are. Whenever you have the urge to reach out, remember that he doesn’t exist and, most importantly…
Remember your worth.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Tinkasite, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.
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