Ask Erin: My Husband Is Abusive & I Think It Might Be My Fault

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Erin,

I don’t know what to do.

My life has been nothing short of a Greek tragedy. I grew up in foster care. My father molested me. My adopted mom beat me, and verbally made me feel hopeless. Now, my husband of three years and father to my two boys is becoming someone I don't know. 

Sometimes, I feel it has to be me. 

Last week, my husband and I got into it over financial planning. I don't like to live on a whim, which we were doing for a couple of years. I feel stable and happy and want it to continue to be easy to pay bills. Neither one of us works because he's a retired vet. 

We were talking, and at one point, I got off of the bed to take a shower, and he flipped again. The explosive anger. He threw me on the bed, tried to choke me, and somewhere in the altercation, my toes were broken. 

Maybe it’s my own fault. I apologized to him for pushing his buttons. 

I thought it would get better, but two days ago, he got mad about juice during bedtime. He said I disrespected him and called me a bitch over and over while shoving me.

I love my husband, but I'm scared.

I'm scared to be alone, to mess my children's lives up. I have no family. I don't want to be homeless again.

What do I do?

A.

There are three things I am sure of from reading your email. There is no gray area here, no debate…

Your husband is abusing you. It is NOT your fault. You need to make a plan to get out, no matter how much you feel that you love him.

What you have described is very clearly physical and emotional abuse. There is no doubt in my mind. You know this. Your history of being abused has made it very easy for your husband to get away with this because he’s confirming those untrue belief systems you have about yourself.

When you experience abuse as a child, a belief system is created, one which whispers in your ear, you’re broken, you’re bad, it’s your fault.

I am not a therapist or mental health professional, but I speak from experience. I understand the lies that bloom inside of us, the ones that trauma and abuse bring. I have seen them play out again and again.

I had these toxic belief systems about myself, too.

I believed that the abuse I experienced as a child was my fault. Even when I intellectualized that it was not, internally, I held fast to that belief.

Your parents abused you. The people who were supposed to love and protect you failed. It is not surprising to me that you confuse love with abuse. You were raised to do that. This is NOT your fault. It is common for abuse survivors to find themselves in relationships that reenact that abuse repeatedly.

There is no argument that warrants shoving, name-calling, or broken toes. That is not love. That is abuse.

I understand that you are scared. It’s terrifying to confront abuse and challenge the belief systems we have about ourselves—no matter how harmful they’ve been. It’s equally scary to venture into the unknown. It can feel hopeless. It’s not. There is help, and there is hope; I promise you this.

You’re going to need some outside help. You didn’t mention in your email where you are from, so I am going to leave some general domestic violence resources below. If you email me again, I can give you resources specific to your location. I urge you to plan quickly.

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: Use the method of communication that is safest for you. Call 1-800-799-7233 or text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474. You can also log on online at thehotline.org.

• The National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV) Toolkits

• NCADV (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence): Personalized Safety Plan, Tips for Accessing Resources, Financial Education Webinar Series, Related Resources(trauma, homelessness, etc.)

This feels scary, but you don’t have to do this alone. I know you don’t have a family to lean on, but if you have any friends you trust, please reach out to them for practical or moral support. Most importantly, please use the domestic violence resources that are out there. It’s crucial that you and your children have protective measures in place.

You have an opportunity to break this cycle, not just for yourself, but for your children.

Again, please reach out so I can send you some location-specific information. Writing into me here is a significant first step. I am here to help in any way I can.

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Chrysocolla, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called STRUNG OUT: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me, and it’s on sale now! 

Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

I Need Help With My Anger Issues

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

---

Q.

Dear Erin,

I am a big fan of your page, and all your advice is so good. Now I write to you in order to solve a problem.

I have anger issues. 

For me, getting angry is really easy, and to get out of anger is really difficult. 

This has brought me problems with all the people around me.

The problem is I have reasons to be angry. I have been a victim of physical, psychological, and sexual abuse. However, people don't see I’ve suffered injustice: they only see my rage. 

I try to explain, but people stop loving me, and I end up having to apologize for my anger, and I feel doubly victim: first for suffering injustice and second for having my feelings not validated and having to apologize for then, without receiving the validation I need.

What can I do?

 — Suffering Woman

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: I Need Help Expressing Anger After Sexual Abuse

A.

Dear Suffering Woman,

My heart goes out to you. 

I know firsthand how trauma can disrupt the ability to regulate emotions. 

As someone who grew up lacking coping skills, I didn’t learn how to handle my anger until I was well into adulthood. I had suppressed my trauma and anger for so long as a child and adolescent, that when it began to come out, it exploded and I couldn’t control it. 

It seems this is what has been happening with you as well. That rage is your body’s reaction to any perceived threat. That rage is a form of hypervigilance that is a method of survival.That rage is the aftermath of trauma. 

It’s not your fault that all this rage has come up, but it is your responsibility to get some help. 

Likely, the people who are on the receiving end of your anger now, do not deserve it. I know for me, I lashed out at people who didn’t deserve it. I frequently overreacted because I was furious with other people, people who’d hurt me a long time before. 

And I was so mad at myself. In some twisted way, I held myself responsible for my depression, for my PTSD from sexual abuse, because if I held the blame, I had some control. 

But I was out of control, much as you are out of control now. 

Reaching out to me is a wonderful first step.I encourage you to follow up with therapy.You didn’t mention in your email if you have had any therapy.But you need a safe space to process all of that abuse and be guided in learning tools that will help you regulate your emotions, rather than letting them control you.

The person your anger is hurting the most is you.

I cannot stress enough how vital it is that you get some professional help. Unchecked, these anger issues will continue to plague you for the rest of your life. No matter how kind the people are around you, no matter how many times your feelings are validated by others, until you work through the trauma and work to change your behavior, things will remain the same. 

You can be free from feeling this way all the time. You really can. But you can’t get there alone. 

In addition to therapy, there are many resources available online, as well as IRL in the form of support groups. If you email me, I can give you some leads in your area. 

Don’t lose heart. You can get to a place where you are no longer controlled by your anger. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Tiger’s Eye, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at  askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo