She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
Q.
Hi Erin,
So my best guy friend and I have been friends for three years, and I've been in love with him for two years.
He does have a girlfriend, but he always gives me side glances when we're all hanging out and makes direct eye contact with a smirk. He's always done that even before they started dating, but lately it’s just been getting more noticeable.
Also, he seems to be unhappy whenever she's around him. He knows none of us in our friend group like her because she treats him like trash. We will all make sly comments about her being bitchy, and he laughs and says it's true.
It’s just the way he looks at me. I can't help but feel there's more to it. Maybe I'm just hoping that it means something, but even our other friends have mentioned it. His mom has even mentioned it, that he seems happier when I'm around. When he and I are talking, she just smiles at us all the time, but when his girlfriend talks to him, everyone, including himself, looks annoyed.
Should I tell him that I've been feeling this way or just leave it alone?
It breaks my heart. He's with someone else that treats him so poorly, but I don't want to ruin our friendship…
A.
This is one of the top three questions I receive. A whole lot of you are harboring secret feelings for your BFFs!
It’s not uncommon, especially when you’re young, which I am guessing you are, to develop romantic feelings within friendships.
Friendships develop because of common interests and the enjoyment of being around each other. That is a big part of what happens in a romantic relationship, too. Based on what you’ve written, there’s a good chance that the feelings are mutual. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants to act on those feelings.
It’s uncomfortable at best to sustain a friendship with someone when you really want more from them. It’s one of the most common sources of angst I have both experienced myself and witnessed with my friends over the years.
Trying to pretend that you’re just there for the friendship is likely not sustainable.
Those bottled up feelings will start to bubble over and sour things between you. So what should you do? You have one of two options—make peace with the situation and accept the friendship or tell him how you feel.
If you’re going to let go of the possibility of romance, you will likely need to take a step back from the friendship and give yourself time to grieve the loss of that possibility. It’s like wanting to stay friends with an ex. It would be best if you had the time and space to make that feasible. I do think this is possible, but it won’t happen overnight. You may find that when you let go of the possibility of romance, you don’t actually want to be friends with him.
If you’re going to tell him how you feel, you first need to accept that you may not hear what you want to hear. But I think it’s worth the risk. I almost always believe that leaning into the truth is the right decision. You’re young; they’re not married. You can tell him what you’ve been feeling and let him know what your fears are, that you worry about risking the friendship. Having that discussion may even give you more clarity on what you want.
As for the girlfriend and your opinion of their relationship, that’s not really the issue here.
Even if she were the kindest person in the world, you probably wouldn’t like her. That’s understandable because right now, she has something you want—the relationship. As his friend, you certainly can let him know what you see, but it’s his decision to be with her. And you (and his other friends) have to either accept their relationship or choose not to spend time with him.
As scary as it feels to open up, I promise the other side is better than staying in this limbo.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Rose Quartz, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.
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