Ask Erin: Is My Depression Pushing My Boyfriend Away?

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Dear Erin,

I’m concerned my boyfriend is backing away because of my depression.

I have depression, and my boyfriend and I have been dating for a year now. He has said before that my depression worries him because of his last girlfriend, who had depression. She didn't do anything about it and treated him badly.

I have, at times, mistreated him due to letting my depression (and the anger it has caused) take over. 

He has addressed it with me, and I see where he is coming from. I needed to hear it so I could adjust how I react and behave when I feel it gets the best of me. I have been seeing a therapist for the last two months, and I have made huge improvements. 

I still have bad days, especially when life events stress me out, that are again mine to take care of. Things like that fuel my depression, and I have an initial moment of breakdown before I calm and come up with a way to fix it.

I would like to talk to him about it, so I am not only talking to my therapist. I am scared to do so because I am afraid he will shut down on me or think I am taking it out on him or even expecting him to fix it for me. 

I know that all my problems are mine to fix. 

All I have ever wanted from him was support, comfort, and knowing he is there for me. 

But I don't know how to approach this with him. Please help.

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A.

I understand both your position and your boyfriend’s. 

For many years, my mental health issues went mostly unchecked. My coping mechanisms—drugs, cheating, spending money, pushing people away—were toxic and destructive. Even as I began to undo my years of crappy learned behavior, I struggled. 

It’s an awful feeling to know that you’re acting out—sabotaging, misdirecting your anger and sadness—but incapable of stopping yourself. I remember that feeling well. 

I am happy to read that you have been seeing a therapist and working on your mental health. Our mental health is not our fault, but it is our responsibility. And you are taking care of yourself in significant ways, not just for your relationship, but, more importantly, for your happiness and stability. 

One thing that gives me pause here—you mentioned that you wanted to be able to speak to your boyfriend about what you’re struggling with so that you’re not only talking to your therapist. I think you need to get clear with yourself about your expectations. 

While you should certainly feel like you can speak with your partner about what’s going on in your life, don’t make your boyfriend your therapist. 

Your therapist is there to process and work through your mental health issues with you. I think that it puts undue pressure on a relationship to expect our significant other to take on that role. Again, you shouldn’t hide what’s going on with you, but leave the heavy lifting to your therapist. 

I also find that my husband and I are both happier (and I am more satisfied) when I turn to my friends with the day to day problems. So if you’re looking for that extra support, lean on your friends rather than your romantic partner. 

I hope that you understand that I am not suggesting your partner be left out of what’s happening in your life, or that you shouldn’t want or need love and support. But, from my experience, my relationship suffers when I look to my partner for answers that I need to figure out on my own, or with friends or a therapist. 

You have no control over his reactions or how he responds to your depression, but you do have control over how you take charge of your mental health. 

That’s important to remember. Will he back away because of your depression? I can’t answer that. If he does, it is not your fault; it’s not within your control. What is in your controller the actions you take to care for yourself. And that’s just what you’re doing. Recognize that. It’s a big deal, a positive one. Share your wins with your boyfriend. Let him know what’s working.

What’s awesome is that all the positive changes in your behavior will be evident. Might you still have bad days, backslides? Yes. Don’t beat yourself up over those moments, but continue to use the new tools you’re learning to regulate your emotions and move forward. That positive change in behavior is the best thing for all of your relationships, including this one. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Golden Yellow Topaz, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: I Am Bored With My Life

CONTENT NOTICE: suicidal thoughts

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

I'm so satisfied with my life that I don't know what else to do

I'm a woman, 48 years old. For the past ten years or so, I've been feeling content. 

Before, I was suffering from past trauma that led me to depression, suicide, commitment issues, and so on. Then, I took care of myself and freed myself from all those things. I went to therapy; I rebuilt and developed myself again. 

I'd been feeling so content and satisfied with my life since. I’d come to realize that I have reached all my dreams. I'd been in a playful mode; I could find funnies even in my saddest situation. 

But after several years of feeling satisfied, I'm bored.

First, I thought I was bored because I didn't have new dreams. So I tried to generate some. After having reached those new "unnatural/not genuine" dreams, I felt bored again. I raised my standard in doing things in order to have something to pursue. But things seem to be pretty easy for me now. If I succeed, I'm happy. If I don't succeed, I cry a little, evaluate and reflect, and then I learn the lessons. I try to give back to society by providing free services for those who need it. I'm still passionate about it, but not as much as before. 

I practice meditation, mindfulness. I went again for counseling, but the three psychologists I met didn't quite help. None of these has helped me to find the passion again. 

Then, I started thinking about committing suicide again. A long time ago, I was suicidal because I was depressed and desperate. But this time, I can't say I want to commit suicide because I feel sad and depressed — I'm just bored with life because I have nothing else to pursue. 

Do you think you can spark me or challenge my mind so that I can figure out what to do next? 

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.

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A.

As Kierkegaard said, boredom is “the root of all evil.”

I tend to agree. But first, let’s get clarity on the situation. You are not bored because you are so satisfied with your life. Being satisfied would not equate to boredom. By saying that you are content and satisfied, but bored, and even suicidal, is selling yourself short. 

Boredom is not depression, but they are cousins. 

I describe depression as inertia. For me, depression equals inaction, a lack of decision making. It is like living in a vacuum with no forward motion, stuck on an endless loop. So for me, boredom is a huge symptom of depressive episodes. That can go hand in hand with looking like everything is fine — working, socializing, volunteering, meditating, etc. 

But clinical depression and other mental health issues don’t work that way. Everything in your life can be fine, and you can be doing all the things that should help and still feel awful. Because brain chemistry sometimes needs more than we have in our tool kit. 

What concerns me is that you’re thinking about suicide again.  

This shouldn’t be taken lightly. I know you mentioned that the last three psychologists you saw did not help, but I think you need to keep trying. Find a new one. It sounds like you can access care; I hope you do. From my experience, even if this goes away temporarily, it is likely to come back. And you don’t want to risk having it come back and put you in a place of desperation again.

You asked, “Do you think you can spark me or challenge my mind so that I can figure out what to do next?”

What I want you to do next is to seek some professional help. 

And, outside of that, think about something you may have always wanted to do that you thought wasn’t possible or seemed frivolous. Maybe that means skydiving or hiking. Maybe that means taking an improv class or going on a writing retreat. Whatever it is, take those risks, grab those opportunities. 

But above all else, please seek help for the return of suicidal ideation.

Lastly, you didn’t mention if you have spoken to any friends or loved ones in your email. I encourage you to do so. Connecting with people helps. Being truthful about what we feel inside, even when it feels scary or embarrassing, is freeing. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m baking, Eucryptite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

I Need Help With Postpartum Depression

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

suicidal thoughts

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

---

Q.

Hi, Erin.

Do you have any piece of advice for a depressed mother?

I’ve been trying to overcome postpartum depression for eight months, but there is no healing at all. I love my tiny daughter and my three elder children. They all are healthy. So am I. But I feel like I'm dying.

Today I got fired from my work because it's become too difficult to cope with my everyday duties.

I want to live. So much. My faith is the only thing that keeps me from suicide.

Honestly, I can't stand it anymore.

Thanks a lot for what you are doing to people.

And for the answer, if there will be one for me.

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A.

I am so glad you’ve reached out for help. I want you to know that postpartum depression isvery common. One in seven moms (and one in ten dads) suffer from postpartum depression. 

I want you to know that you don’t have to go through this alone. 

There are many resources out there to help you. First, if you can, you should let your OB or midwife know. Second, Postpartum Support International can give you access to help here in the United States and internationally. Their website is a portal to a lot of helpful information, online support groups, and practical medical information for both you and your loved ones.

Please talk to your partner, your family, your friends about this. I know that when I struggled with depression in the past, I would often act as if everything was okay, say everything was okay, but inside I was crumbling. You mentioned that you'd been fired from work. If your workplace had noticed that you were not functioning, perhaps your loved ones have, too.Maybe they don’t know how to approach you about it. 

Postpartum depression, like other forms of clinical depression, feed on loneliness and isolation. You don’t have to feel this way. This is not your fault. I want you to remember those facts. 

Our brains can trick us into sitting in the shame of needing help. 

Our brains might tell us: “But you have so much to be grateful for; you shouldn’t be depressed.” 

That’s all bullshit. Depression, whether of the chronic or postpartum variety is not a choice.You can’t choose your way out of a mental health crisis.

It’s terrific that you have a faith that you hold dear. But faith alone cannot fix this. 

This type of depression cannot be exercised away, meditated away, or prayed away. I cannot stress enough how urgent it is for you to seek help from a medical professional — whether that’s your OB or midwife or mental health specialist. 

Please do not stay silent. Reaching out to me was a tremendous start. Don’t stop there. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Rainbow Fluorite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at  askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo