My Sister's Boyfriend Is Coming Between Us

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Dear Erin, 

I recently moved in with my sister — per her request — from another state. I had heard about her boyfriend, who didn’t sound all that great to begin with, and over the holidays I met him. 

Christmas Day, after only knowing me about a week, he gave me a $100 gift card secretly because he didn’t want her knowing about it. That night, he sent me a text message saying “sweet dreams.”

I told my sister about it, and they got into a fight, and they broke up. He continued to try to hit me up all the time, despite the fact that I ignored him. He even invited me to move in with him. 

And yes my sister knew all about this. 

I eventually blocked his number thinking he was a total scumbag. Three months went by, and I thought my sister was doing well and getting over him until she tells me she’s meeting him for dinner! 

I bluntly asked, “you’re not getting back together with him, are you?”

She said she didn’t know. Of course, I laid into her and told her he was nothing but a scumbag and that she deserves better. 

So she went to dinner with him, and when she came home, I inquired if she was going to get back with him. She said she needed to think about it but that she didn’t want to talk about what happened. 

I am so livid with her that she has such low self-confidence and esteem that she would consider getting back with the scumbag that tried to pick up on her sister! 

What do I do from now on since they are obviously getting back together? 

I have no desire to hear about him from her from now on.

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A.

Ugh, you are in an unfortunate position with this one. It can be painful to watch people we love stay in or return to unhealthy relationships. I have been there. 

I have also been your sister, the one returning to a toxic relationship, ignoring the advice and truth coming from my loved ones. 

So what can you do? 

First, although it sounds like you have already voiced your concerns, set up a time to have a heart-to-heart conversation with your sister about the facts.

The facts are this man has hit on you, lied to her, and has been generally super sketchy.You can emphasize the facts, without adding on your own emotions connected to it.

She will be more likely to hear you if you can refrain from making statements that come across as being judgmental. 

Rather than evaluating her self-esteem and confidence, focus on statements that reaffirm her good qualities and what she deserves in a partner. Ask her if she would want a partner like him for you, her sister. Chances are, she would not. 

I am hoping that she hears you, and if she does, offer her healthy support and encourage her to seek it, as well. 

Therapy, if she’s open to it, is an excellent idea, as there may be things she is more receptive to hearing from an objective third party, than from her sister. 

Sometimes, our relationships with the people we are closest with are the most complicated, and that can prevent us from hearing them with clarity. Therapists provide the kind of voice that is not muddied by a long and emotional history.

If she remains unreceptive, you need to determine and then set boundaries you are comfortable with. You can’t force her to see this guy for who he is. You can’t stop her from being with him. 

But you can be in charge of what contact you have with him and their relationship. 

It’s reasonable to set boundaries around having him in your shared living space and discussing their relationship. You can set these boundaries while still letting her know that you love her and will be there for her, but that this is what you are or aren’t comfortable with. 

Lastly, if you find that you have difficulty setting boundaries with her, it would help to speak with a therapist yourself. That type of guidance can keep us level-headed when dealing with our closest family members. Best of luck to you!

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent,

what I’m watching,what I’m reading,Aquamarine, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

I Feel Like I'm A Burden On My Family

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

I feel like I am a burden on my family.

I was born with an incurable and degenerative congenital disability that has caused me to be in constant pain all my life and which is gradually reducing my mobility and ability to care for myself. I also developed Fibromyalgia six years ago which has made my situation even more difficult.

My family plays a large part in my care as I cannot afford a carer. I feel like an absolute burden to them, and whilst I know they don't resent having to help me, it does limit their freedom.

I will turn 32 soon, and that is making certain thoughts more difficult to deal with. My disability will not shorten my life but will eventually cause me to be wheelchair bound, and unable to even do the simplest of things.

Looking at the future makes me worry about the increasing part that my family will have to play in my care and I hate that I'm causing them difficulty, but there isn't another way.

I don’t know how to deal with this. 

Things are hard enough living in constant pain, and I barely have the energy to function at a reasonable level, and it makes trying to come up with coping very difficult.

I need to learn how to deal with this as it is tearing me apart.

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A.

I am so sorry that you’ve had to deal with chronic illness your entire life. I have watched many of my friends and loved ones navigate the myriad of invisible problems that arise when every day is a battle against pain in the body. My heart goes out to you. 

Here’s the thing — your illnesses are not your fault. 

Your family has made it clear to you that they don’t resent you, as you said in your email. You need to remember that. Your family loves you. I know you don’t want to make their lives inconvenienced, but I am 100% sure that they are grateful for your presence. 

As a parent, even when it’s hard, even when I am tired and overworked, I wouldn’t trade it in for anything in the world.

While your needs may be more significant because of the illnesses, I am sure that their love supersedes the extra care involved.

Don’t create guilt for yourself over things you have no control over. 

It can be so hard to forgive ourselves when our bodies don’t cooperate. While not entirely the same, before I had my second child, I had four miscarriages and then lost a baby when I went into labor too early. I’d never before felt like I had less control yet all the responsibility for the pain my entire family went through. 

In addition to treating my depression, which I already had been, I began digging deep with spiritual work that provided me with the tools of acceptance. 

The bottom line of what you are struggling with is acceptance. 

Learning acceptance, learning to accept that there are things I cannot control — be that with my body or my depression or the world or the way others behave or react. Once I actively began to sit in acceptance of how things were rather than how I pined for them to be, I experienced relief. 

I encourage you to speak with your family about your concerns. Don’t sit alone in them. Do some reading or audiobook listening or guided meditation and get in touch with acceptance. 

I am sure that as someone dealing with chronic and degenerative illness, acceptance has been a lifelong lesson. Even for those without those mitigating conditions, it is challenging, but I promise you that working on it will give you some relief. 

So, homework… speak with your family, if you can talk with a therapist or doctor about any underlying depression or anxiety, please do, and give yourself the gift of searching for acceptance through spiritual practice. I truly believe it will provide you with some respite from these feelings. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m listening to, the winter solstice, Moonstone, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at  askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

How Do I Tell My Sister That Her Husband Relapsed?

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

I'm fairly certain my brother-in-law relapsed on heroin, and I don't know what to tell my sister. 

My sister was a late bloomer; she lived with our parents until she was 27 and she's almost willfully naive. She met her husband on a dating app and moved in with him after knowing him for two weeks, quitting her job and leaving behind substantial debt for my parents to pay off. 

My brother-in-law had just gotten out of a court-mandated treatment program when they met. They've been together two years and have two kids with the third one on the way. 

There are a lot of red flags in this relationship, but mostly the one that sticks out is that my brother-in-law goes to concerts and raves sometimes states away for days at a time and always comes back either flat broke or with wads of cash. This makes me think he's either moving or selling on top of using. 

After these raves, a lot of pictures pop up on Instagram and Snapchat of him looking high. He's been open on social media about using kratom and buying Suboxone and Narcan to misuse it. 

On the face of things, my sister's life looks very charmed, and Pinterest-Perfect and my parents and other siblings adore her husband for finally "bringing her out of her shell." 

But there are children involved at this point, and I don't know how to tell her I'm concerned. 

I've had my own issues with recovery and have been sober for ten years, and I'm pretty sure of what I'm seeing. 

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Should I Lighten Up About My Partner’s Drug And Alcohol Use? 

A.

You are right to be concerned. 

In my experience, whenever I’ve had the gut feeling that someone was using, 99% of the time that gut feeling was correct. 

I want to address a couple of things in your email. Kratom and Suboxone are often used by people as a means of staving off opiate withdrawal. That said, they can also be abused.Narcan (or Naloxone) is an antagonist, commonly used to reverse an overdose. It could be that he has Narcan because he is using and/or around people who are using. 

The fact that he disappears for days at a time when he has two kids and one on the way is concerning, even without the drugs. And I agree; there seem to be plenty of red flags here.

So what can you do? 

You have to put aside your feelings about the denial that your sister and parents are in. You have no control over what they believe or what they are capable of confronting. 

But you need to tell them what you’re observing. Set up a time to speak with your sister privately. 

Tell your sister what your concerns are by laying out the facts. 

The facts are he is disappearing for days on end, returning with missing money or wads of cash, and has drugs on him that are used to stave off opiate withdrawal and reverse opiate overdose. Remind her that you are on her side, that you love her, and you will be there to support her. Remind her that she needs to set aside the discomfort of confronting this because she has two (almost three) kids to think about. 

Please do this without adding in opinion or judgment. It will be a lot easier for her to hear if you stick to the facts. You also need to let your parents know what you’ve observed. 

When it comes to addiction, I believe in transparency. 

This is why I think it is important to let your parents, grandparents to those kids, know what the facts are as well. As with your sister, don’t add in judgments and opinions. 

I think it is highly unlikely that you are wrong about your assessment here, based on what you’ve said in your email. As I said, they may not be able to accept the truth in front of them.

Once you’ve had these conversations with them, you can set boundaries for yourself so that you are not in situations with someone who is actively using and denying it. If they can confront things, you can be there to assist in a family intervention. 

As you are already in recovery, you may be aware of Al-Anon. I always recommend this as a good place to start for loved ones of people who have substance abuse issues. Really, it’s a valuable program for learning how to set boundaries in general. 

Remember, you have no control over the actions or reactions of any of your family members, but you can and should say something and then set boundaries accordingly. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Golden Yellow Topaz, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo