Ask Erin: I Resent My Family

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Dear Erin,

I have a lot of resentment towards my family.

This sounds like a common problem, but until the past two years, I'd always been very close to my family. However, my dad (who I was super close with) got seriously chronically ill, and everything changed.

My siblings basically have done nothing. 

They don't visit or help with medical decisions. Meanwhile, I see him every day. 

My mother and I have developed a toxic codependency because we are the only two who are there for him. By that, I mean that if I don't visit him, she's mad and if she doesn't go, I'm mad. 

Meanwhile, I’ve watched him nearly die probably six times over the past two years. During the past year, I went through some major emotional and mental health issues triggered by my relationship, life-changing information about someone close to me, and the stress of my dad. 

I feel as though I had no support or leniency from them during this time. Recently, I got engaged, and none of them said or did anything, while my friends celebrated it. Every time I try to confront them, I feel like a selfish jerk, or it quickly escalates too far into them making me feel guilty. 

What do I do about this? 

Cutting them off feels extreme, but I feel totally alone and like I'm in a one-sided situation with them. 

I've sought counseling, but it's either a) expensive b) doesn't work around an office job or b) waitlisted. 

I'm so sad, and life has lost all joy for me. I don't know how to proceed.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: My Sister Is Abusive & I'm Terrified Of Her

A.

I can understand why you feel so frustrated. You are dealing with an extremely stressful ongoing situation with your father’s illness. And this is amplified by the fact that you and your mom are in caregiving roles, while your siblings are not. 

There are three main components here that need to be addressed — setting boundaries, managing expectations, and prioritizing self-care. 

The first thing I want you to consider is that you can set boundaries for how much you can give right now. It’s terrific that you have been there daily, but it’s not necessarily sustainable, for you or your mom. From your email, I have gathered that your dad is in a hospice or care facility. So he has some immediate physical care. It is okay to scale back on your visits. Setting some boundaries in this area will take a lot of pressure off. 

For example, you can alternate days, Monday-Friday. Take a weekend day off, and on the other weekend day, you go together. Or maybe it’s less than that. Maybe you can commit to three days a week. Whatever it is, make a manageable schedule. You have a life outside of caring for your dad, and you don’t need to feel guilty about that. Because you can do both, but not all the time, every day. 

I am not surprised that you and your mom are struggling. 

You are both under immense pressure. And you both need to prioritize the time to take care of yourselves. I know you mentioned that you were having trouble accessing counseling. There are other ways for you to get some quick, free support. Twelve-Stepgroups, such as CoDA and Al-Anon, are helpful for learning how to set boundaries, especially with family members. 

I did a little searching online and found many online support groups and Facebook groupsthat offer peer support for caregivers. I highly recommend you explore these options, and I would share them with your mom, as well. Don’t underestimate how helpful they can be. 

When it comes to your siblings, you have no control over their actions; you only have control over yours. 

They may never help out; they may not offer you or your mom or your father the type or level of support you need. Managing expectations around family members is essential. It can be so easy to fall into the trap of focusing on who we wish our sibling or parent is, rather than who they are. Accepting that will relieve you of that constant frustration and prevent you from looking to them for things you will never get from them. Repeatedly confronting them will end in you feeling emotionally exhausted. 

The good news is that it sounds like you have fantastic support from your chosen family. 

So many of us find what we need in a “family” from the people we choose to have in our life. Real family often has little to do with biology. Allow yourself to lean into the family that is there. Focus on the new life you are creating with your fiancé.

Lastly, make room in your life for other types of self-care. 

In addition to seeking out some support groups, allow yourself the time to take actions that take care of you. That may mean a hike or a yoga class or a movie or a book and a comfy chair. Schedule that time for yourself as you would the time you spend at work and with your dad. 

You can get through this without feeling angry and overwhelmed. You need to adjust your expectations and set those boundaries. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Fluorite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

I Think My Husband And Daughter Are Still Having An Affair

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

My oldest daughter is having an affair with my husband, her stepdad. 

This has been going on for years already. She had a baby, and at this point, I don’t really know if it's my husband's or her so-called ex-boyfriend. 

I found a picture on my husband's phone of her sending nude pictures to him. 

What can I do? Should I confront him? Should I confront her? Should I confront them both?

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: How Can I Learn To Trust My Husband? 

 

A.

I wish I could say I’ve never received a question like this before. But I have. 

I have received some variation of the daughter-stepfather affair multiple times. 

I answered one a couple of years ago, and readers were shocked. But it seems it’s more common than we think. 

There is a lot to unpack here, and I have a lot of questions, but let’s get into some essential advice on handling this.

Let’s first start with the infidelity. Your husband has betrayed you. It is not clear to me whether or not you have confronted him in the past. You mentioned it’s been going on for years, but then ask if you should confront them. If you have yet to confront him, yes, tell him that you know, that you have evidence. 

But before you do anything, please, please, make an appointment with a therapist. 

You need someone outside of the situation who can help guide you through what will be a minefield of emotions, with both your husband and daughter. 

How you proceed with him, with some outside help, is going to be dependent on unknown factors. Did your daughter grow up with your husband as her stepfather? Did the affair start when she was an adult? If she lived with him as a minor, did he groom her for this? 

The next appointment you need to make is with a family law attorney. This is not as simple as my spouse had an affair-let’s go to counseling-I can forgive him. You need some guidance on getting out of this marriage, getting your finances in order, etc., so you can make get out. 

I don’t think it’s possible to repair your relationship with your husband after this level of betrayal. 

Because he hasn’t just fractured your marriage, he’s damaged your relationship with your daughter.So let’s talk about your daughter.Again, I really think that making a plan of action with a therapist is needed in this situation.

I am hopeful that with time and a lot of therapy, you can repair and rebuild a relationship with your daughter. Maybe it won’t be what it was before, but I don’t believe you should throw away any possibility of reconnecting. 

I hope that you do get some counseling. If you need help finding a therapist in your area, please email me again. As it’s been years, and you have yet to take action, I don’t want you to sit with this denial any longer. 

You need to get out of this marriage and break this toxic facade. 

I know this may feel overwhelming. You don’t have to do this alone. You don’t have to take every step at once. But you can’t pretend it’s not happening. 

Your silence is not serving any of you. If you have a friend or family member you trust, please confide in them. I want you to have available the largest support system possible. 

Regarding the paternity of your grandchild, let’s put that aside for the moment. That can be dealt with later. And whatever the outcome, please remember that your grandchild is innocent in all this. You are still that baby’s grandmother, no matter what. Your grandchild needs you. 

The only way out is through. 

Taking that first step may feel scary, but I promise it won’t on the other side of this. You only have to go through this once. Take back control over what you can control — your actions.You can do this. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Chrysocolla, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at  askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

My Partner's Father Hates Me

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Hi Erin,

So this one's a little complicated, and I’m not really sure how to explain it without it sounding insane.

My partner and I have been together on and off since we were teenagers, which is now well over half a decade. I love him, and I think that where we are now, I’m probably going to end up with him permanently. This terrifies me.

The main problem is that his father hates me. 

He is a very controlling man and tried to split us up last year. This included a personal assassination detailing every aspect of my personality, family and background that makes me not good enough for his son before sending a concluding text message declaring my relationship with his son over and threats if I tried to get back in contact with him. 

All of this just resulted in lots of heartbreak and stress, disrupting both of our studies at university, us getting back together and dating in secret for some months, and me now suffering from anxiety. 

It all happened a year ago now, and my partner’s family have known we got back together for a number of months. However, I am banned from the family home, and I have had no contact with them since (despite having been good friends with my partner’s sisters before having even met my partner).

My partner and I are now planning on moving in together in the summer when we graduate. I feel like this is really the turning point at which there’s no going back, and I’ll end up married to him, which actually would be something that I think I might want, but I am scared that it will all be a horrible mistake.

I am scared that my partner’s father will always hate me and that one day my partner will resent me for causing him to be distant from his family. 

I am terrified that his family will decide they want to reconnect and will just expect me to pretend that nothing ever happened and try to influence our lives. 

I am scared that I have never really been with many other people in my life or explored much, and that maybe us having to fight to be together has meant us sticking with each other rather than coming to an end on our own and doing other things (how many people end up with the people they dated in school anymore?)

I am scared of the future and how much this nasty relationship with my partner’s father will cause problems going ahead. I don’t know what to do or if moving in together is even a good idea. Any advice you have would be really helpful.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Am I Overreacting To The Way My Partner’s Family Treats Me? 

A.

This is a challenging situation. Having a long-term partnership with someone whose family is at odds with you is complicated at best. I can understand your hesitation. 

You don’t want him to resent you, nor do you want to have to grin and bear it around people who have treated you so poorly. 

Before (BEFORE) you move in together, I strongly suggest the two of you speak to a therapist about the situation. You are young, you are dealing with familial relationships that sound pretty toxic, and they were probably that way long before you were in the picture. 

You didn’t mention how your partner handles this. You are banned from their home. Does your partner see them without you? Has he taken a stand? The two of you need to establish a united position in dealing with his family BEFORE you move in together. 

But there’s something else that struck me about your email. You mentioned another fear you have regarding this relationship. You noted how young you are, how you haven’t had much, if any, experience outside of this relationship, and questioned if the fight to stay together is what has kept you together. You’ve hit on something there. You need to evaluate your other very valid concerns about this relationship. 

Your fears have consolidated on this one issue — and it’s a big one — but your hesitance is really about a whole lot more. 

I was young once, too. Relationships when you’re young, particularly when they started in high school and continued into adulthood, can feel like they are meant to last forever. 

It’s important to acknowledge that sometimes we outgrow relationships. 

And that’s okay. That’s normal. The only people who can figure this out are you and your partner. My gut tells me that there lies the issue behind the issue. 

First and foremost, I urge you and your partner to speak with a therapist. It’s going to be necessary, if you move forward together, to have some objective guidance, particularly in setting boundaries. 

Lastly, please know that his father’s feelings toward you have less to do with you and more to do with his own crap.And that’s family baggage you are not required to take on.

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Magnesite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at  askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

My Sister Is Abusive & I'm Terrified Of Her

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Hi Erin,

My sister is 33. I'm 30, and I'm still terrified of her.

My sister is an emotionally unsafe person for me to be around. When we were children, she would bite and scratch herself and run to my mother and say I did it. I can still hear her laughing about it while my parents screamed at me. It wasn't until she got braces that my mother noticed the bite pattern and believed me. When that no longer worked for her, she'd throw out my homework, corrupt files and delete papers I wrote for school on the family shared computer. 

I could literally just describe years of manipulative, vindictive, emotionally unstable behavior on her part that was always my fault. She threatened to kill my dog because it was "in her way.” I wasn't "trying hard enough" to get better when I was diagnosed with cancer, and I was "making shit up.” 

She lived with my mother until she was 31, rent-free and with no bills until she was met a man on a dating site and moved in with him. My mother is in a dire financial situation now because of my sister's spending and manipulation. 

I understand that my parents enabled her and that they have to own that but they won't because my sister just had a baby. This adds extra weight to the fact that my parents flip-flop between believing her when she lies about me and calling out her behavior. They just want to be around their grandson, and tolerating her behavior is the price they pay for a ticket to bragging baby pictures on Facebook.

When my nephew was born, my husband and I were living across the country, and my sister was immediately offended that we didn't put ourselves in debt to fly out and see her.She has this Norman Rockwell vision of our family that never existed. 

Emotional and verbal abuse were the only normal I ever had as a child and young adult. 

My sister has this narrative that our idyllic family life is being ruined because of my successful life choices — because I relocated for a better job, because I went to college and "abandoned" her, because I'm succeeding in my field.

She stopped speaking to me last month, and it was fucking great. She's just recently started speaking to me again, just sending me pictures of my nephew. I feel like she's putting her son in the middle and using him to get me to start speaking to her again. I don't even know why she stopped speaking to me this time; she's that erratic.

I feel like I live in a minefield where any step I take is going to be wrong. It's taken a lot of therapy to realize I identify my sister more as an abuser during my childhood than I do my parents.

We've had to cut a lot of people out of our lives recently. My husband's parents struggle with extreme mental health and addiction issues, and after a fucking terrifying incident with his parents that involved the police, we decided to stop putting ourselves in the path of people who just want to be traumatic and shitty. 

Even after an intense five years of therapy, I still feel like it's my responsibility to fix what my sister thinks I broke. 

I'm afraid of her. I'm a successful, educated woman with a wonderful marriage and a great career. And I'm afraid of my big sister. We've lost a lot of people in our lives. My husband and I both recognize that as children of abuse that this was bound to happen the healthier we got. 

I just can't shake the feeling that I'm the bad guy, that I'm responsible for ruining everything. Am I in the wrong here? It really feels like no matter what I say, I'll be the villain for it.

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Will My Parents Choose Religion Over Me?

A.

Oh, my dear, you have had to deal with a lot. I am thrilled to know that you’ve been in therapy and that you and your husband have been setting healthy boundaries for your family. That is the right way to handle toxic family members. It can feel harder to set boundaries with siblings, parents, and children than with anyone else. 

She doesn’t get a free pass for abusive behavior just because she is your sister.

And truly no one should — not partners, parents, friends, family members, even children. 

It can feel scary to set those boundaries with the family in which we grew up. Sometimes the abusive behavior feels so normal that even when it is damaging us, we minimize it, think it’s all in our heads.

It sounds like that’s what has been happening here.You know the situation is toxic, but you feel guilty for setting boundaries.Years ago, a therapist told me something that would come to be a key to understanding so much about childhood trauma.

All that guilt is unexpressed anger. 

You have a right to be angry. You have a right to be angry at your sister, at your parents for enabling it, and with the situation in general. It sucks. It is not fair. But you have to look at it with clarity. 

I hope you do set that boundary once and for all. You can eliminate yourself from the line of fire and still love her. You can have as little or as much as a relationship with your sister and parents as you want or need. And whatever you decide is best for you and your family unit is okay. It does not make you a bad person. 

Boundary setting makes you a healthy person. 

Lastly, you have no control over how your parents handle their relationship with your sister.They are also probably not who to go to with your frustrations about your sister. Talk to your therapist, husband, and friends. Process this with them, lean on them for support. You have made a healthier family for yourself than the one you grew up in, and that is a significant step forward. 

Likewise, you have no control over whether or not your sister paints you as the villain. It’s not your business nor your problem. Let it go.

Don’t doubt yourself when it comes to this boundary setting. Your instincts to extricate yourself from the madness are accurate and healthy. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Rhodochrosite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at  askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo