Ask Erin: My Marriage Is A Roller Coaster

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin, 

I have been married for eight years, together with my husband for 11. We have two children (ages four and two). 

I feel like I am living a roller-coaster life, and am confused on where to go. 

My husband is emotionally abusive (he will never admit it). He accuses me of constantly cheating anytime I have to work late or have meetings come up. He constantly tells me how much my family is trying to ruin our lives and how we are better off if they are not around. But then expects my family to help without kids because he is "too busy." Anytime an argument comes up, he turns it around on me, and continues to try and get me to answer ludicrous questions, and causes confusion. 

He has even gone so far as being vindictive. I was away on a work trip and told him I would be back at 9 pm. Because I was half an hour late, he then proceeded to come home late one morning after a night shift, purposely making me late for a meeting. He went so far as saying, "now you know better and won't be late again." 

I find myself going through moments of knowing I need to leave, but then worrying about breaking our family up, worrying about Christmas, and a trip we had booked in February. 

I even find myself trying to find the good—such as he cooked dinner, or he said he loved me. And then I’m asking myself if maybe I made it up. 

I need advice. Help!

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A.

Okay, I want to be very clear here. 

Your husband is gaslighting you, and this is emotional abuse. 

You didn’t mention how long he has been like this, but my guess is that he showed signs of this early on, which worsened after marriage and after kids. When people write to me about the possibility of leaving a marriage, and there are kids involved, I tend to encourage exhausting all avenues of help through therapy before throwing in the towel. In this case, if you came to me as a friend asking for advice, I would tell you to leave. 

You certainly could broach the subject of marriage counseling, but he will likely not be too open to that. I do think that seeing a therapist on your own would be extremely beneficial. It would help if you had the guidance to get clear on your feelings and how you want to proceed. 

I know that leaving a marriage, even a bad one, is daunting. In my first marriage, I held on longer than necessary because I didn’t want to put our young son through a divorce. But now he doesn’t remember us ever being together. What I saved him from was witnessing the unhealthiest role modeling of what a relationship looks like. 

You don’t want your kids growing up thinking that how your husband treats you is okay. 

While they may not be privy to the little digs and controlling, abusive commentary, they will, at some point, catch on. Having to re-establish a new version of family is challenging, but it will be worth it. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better. 

Everything you have described in your email smacks of classic gaslighting—the accusations, the jealousy, the vindictiveness, the small gestures of cooking a meal, or saying I love you. He is unwilling to acknowledge his behavior. Gaslighting thrives on the normal responses we have to this type of abuse. It doesn’t surprise me that you find yourself questioning your judgment, thinking maybe you made it all up, maybe it’s not that bad. 

Gaslighters want you to feel like an unreliable narrator in your own life. 

I think you need to get out. And I want you to prepare a bit—emotionally, practically, and financially. I am concerned that someone like him may lash out in unpredictable ways if you tell him you are leaving. Please turn to trusted friends and family members. Ask for help in setting up your plan to leave. If you can do so, I would contact a lawyer as well. The National Domestic Violence Hotline also has resources should you need some outside support. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Boji Stone, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

Ask Erin: Am I In An Emotionally Abusive Marriage?

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Dear Erin,

Am I in an emotionally abusive marriage? 

My husband and I have been together for 14 years, and we have three children together. 

Recently, we got into a really silly fight in regards to the color of my hair. He has been pressuring me for years to go super blonde, but my hair is very dark, and it just doesn't go the shade that he wants. I ended up dyeing my hair again, over the failure that was my attempt to go blonde, and went back to my natural hair color. 

He had a massive meltdown about it. He told me I was selfish, that I never let him have anything he wants etc. We ended up sitting down and talking the next day, and I told him that him asking me to change my appearance all the time (dye my hair blonde, get Brazilian waxes) makes me feel very insecure like I'm not good enough for him, and he apologized. 

A few days later, he left a pornographic video up on the computer for me to find that had hot blonde in the subject bar. He also left the "used towel" behind for me to pick up. 

This isn't the first time he's done something like this. 

Every time he does it, I'm the one who ends up crying and apologizing to him for not being a "proper wife" and taking care of his needs the way I should. 

I'm just so confused right now. It's really messing with my head, and I don't know what to do. I think I want to leave but I can't. Honestly, I don't think I have the strength to leave him. 

I'm not the same person I was before I met him. I have no family or friends that I can go to, nobody I can talk to about this. I don't drive and financially, I rely on him for everything. 

I just feel... so broken right now.

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A.

I want to get straight to the answer here. 

Your husband’s behavior is emotionally abusive. 

Emotional abuse can be defined as "any act including confinement, isolation, verbal assault, humiliation, intimidation, infantilization, or any other treatment which may diminish the sense of identity, dignity, and self-worth.” 

There is no universe in which it is okay for a partner to berate you and continuously be demanding or pressuring you to change your physical appearance. Further, you have recognized that this a pattern with him. That he does things that make you feel horrible, like leaving the porn and used towel for you to find, and then turns it back on you. 

Please know that saying and doing harmful things and then making you feel like it’s your fault is textbook gaslighting.

He is gaslighting you. 

That you feel confused is a byproduct of all that gaslighting. I was once in a relationship with a man who lied and cheated repeatedly, and every time my suspicions were aroused, he would twist things around and make me doubt my intuition, made me think I was “crazy.” 

I understand that getting out of this situation feels impossible, but it is not. 

Approach this one step at a time. I am not sure where you live, but there are resources available locally in many places. In the United States, the resources page on the National Domestic Violence Hotline site is a good place to start. There are a variety of resources available in the UK as well. If you email me, I can point you in the right direction to start. 

Start getting a safety plan in order. A safety plan is a strategy for you to exit an abusive relationship safely. This may sound dramatic, but even in relationships where the abuse is strictly emotional/psychological/financial, an abuser can make things worse if they discover you are trying to leave. 

There’s another critical point I want to make. Seeing as you have children, I feel it is even more imperative that you start making a plan to get out. 

We model relationships for our children, and I am sure that you don’t want your children to grow up and be in relationships like this one — as either the victim or abuser. 

I know this is scary, but you can get out. There is a path to finding some financial independence for yourself. You are not broken. But you will need to reach out for help — from an organization like the ones I linked above — and you will need to start creating a support system for yourself. I know you mentioned you had no family or friends to turn to. Attempt to deepen a more casual friendship with someone who you believe is trustworthy and seek some guidance in a local support group. 

And please, do email me again for some region-specific resources. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Blue Calcite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me: askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

*This column first appeared on Ravishly.

My Sister Is Abusive & I'm Terrified Of Her

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

---

Q.

Hi Erin,

My sister is 33. I'm 30, and I'm still terrified of her.

My sister is an emotionally unsafe person for me to be around. When we were children, she would bite and scratch herself and run to my mother and say I did it. I can still hear her laughing about it while my parents screamed at me. It wasn't until she got braces that my mother noticed the bite pattern and believed me. When that no longer worked for her, she'd throw out my homework, corrupt files and delete papers I wrote for school on the family shared computer. 

I could literally just describe years of manipulative, vindictive, emotionally unstable behavior on her part that was always my fault. She threatened to kill my dog because it was "in her way.” I wasn't "trying hard enough" to get better when I was diagnosed with cancer, and I was "making shit up.” 

She lived with my mother until she was 31, rent-free and with no bills until she was met a man on a dating site and moved in with him. My mother is in a dire financial situation now because of my sister's spending and manipulation. 

I understand that my parents enabled her and that they have to own that but they won't because my sister just had a baby. This adds extra weight to the fact that my parents flip-flop between believing her when she lies about me and calling out her behavior. They just want to be around their grandson, and tolerating her behavior is the price they pay for a ticket to bragging baby pictures on Facebook.

When my nephew was born, my husband and I were living across the country, and my sister was immediately offended that we didn't put ourselves in debt to fly out and see her.She has this Norman Rockwell vision of our family that never existed. 

Emotional and verbal abuse were the only normal I ever had as a child and young adult. 

My sister has this narrative that our idyllic family life is being ruined because of my successful life choices — because I relocated for a better job, because I went to college and "abandoned" her, because I'm succeeding in my field.

She stopped speaking to me last month, and it was fucking great. She's just recently started speaking to me again, just sending me pictures of my nephew. I feel like she's putting her son in the middle and using him to get me to start speaking to her again. I don't even know why she stopped speaking to me this time; she's that erratic.

I feel like I live in a minefield where any step I take is going to be wrong. It's taken a lot of therapy to realize I identify my sister more as an abuser during my childhood than I do my parents.

We've had to cut a lot of people out of our lives recently. My husband's parents struggle with extreme mental health and addiction issues, and after a fucking terrifying incident with his parents that involved the police, we decided to stop putting ourselves in the path of people who just want to be traumatic and shitty. 

Even after an intense five years of therapy, I still feel like it's my responsibility to fix what my sister thinks I broke. 

I'm afraid of her. I'm a successful, educated woman with a wonderful marriage and a great career. And I'm afraid of my big sister. We've lost a lot of people in our lives. My husband and I both recognize that as children of abuse that this was bound to happen the healthier we got. 

I just can't shake the feeling that I'm the bad guy, that I'm responsible for ruining everything. Am I in the wrong here? It really feels like no matter what I say, I'll be the villain for it.

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A.

Oh, my dear, you have had to deal with a lot. I am thrilled to know that you’ve been in therapy and that you and your husband have been setting healthy boundaries for your family. That is the right way to handle toxic family members. It can feel harder to set boundaries with siblings, parents, and children than with anyone else. 

She doesn’t get a free pass for abusive behavior just because she is your sister.

And truly no one should — not partners, parents, friends, family members, even children. 

It can feel scary to set those boundaries with the family in which we grew up. Sometimes the abusive behavior feels so normal that even when it is damaging us, we minimize it, think it’s all in our heads.

It sounds like that’s what has been happening here.You know the situation is toxic, but you feel guilty for setting boundaries.Years ago, a therapist told me something that would come to be a key to understanding so much about childhood trauma.

All that guilt is unexpressed anger. 

You have a right to be angry. You have a right to be angry at your sister, at your parents for enabling it, and with the situation in general. It sucks. It is not fair. But you have to look at it with clarity. 

I hope you do set that boundary once and for all. You can eliminate yourself from the line of fire and still love her. You can have as little or as much as a relationship with your sister and parents as you want or need. And whatever you decide is best for you and your family unit is okay. It does not make you a bad person. 

Boundary setting makes you a healthy person. 

Lastly, you have no control over how your parents handle their relationship with your sister.They are also probably not who to go to with your frustrations about your sister. Talk to your therapist, husband, and friends. Process this with them, lean on them for support. You have made a healthier family for yourself than the one you grew up in, and that is a significant step forward. 

Likewise, you have no control over whether or not your sister paints you as the villain. It’s not your business nor your problem. Let it go.

Don’t doubt yourself when it comes to this boundary setting. Your instincts to extricate yourself from the madness are accurate and healthy. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Rhodochrosite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at  askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo