She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
Q.
Hello Erin,
I’ve been with my significant other for almost ten years now. I’m 39, and my partner is 43.
Long story short, my family disapproves of him, and it is tremendous stress that I need to address. I’m just not sure how.
I do not like confrontation and am not the best at communicating, so it ends up in a terrible argument anytime I try to discuss it with them. I want my parents to sit with him and have them discuss any issues. Any advice on making this happen?
I love my significant other and want it to work more than anything, but sometimes I am not 100% certain we are best for each other.
I could do a better job creating must-have things that he can do to prove his love for me. I’m just not sure what. Any ideas?
Thank you for your time! I'm looking forward to your unbiased words of wisdom and advice.
A.
Hmm, there are so many missing variables here, but I will do my best based on what you’ve written and give you advice based on two possible scenarios. Either your family’s concerns are valid—and there are issues within your relationship that need to be addressed—OR your family’s opinions are misguided or toxic.
It’s challenging to build a life with someone (and you’re doing that consciously or not since you’ve been together for nearly a decade) who your family is at odds with (if you do, indeed, want them to be a part of your life). You know this, or you wouldn’t be writing to me! As you said, this has caused a lot of stress.
If their disapproval of your partner is misguided, then this does come down to how you communicate and set boundaries with them.
You mentioned that you are “not the best” when communicating. This is something with which you can take ownership. You have no control over what others say or do. BUT you can control how you respond and maintain boundaries. Now, here comes the broken record part of me—therapy, therapy, therapy. I highly recommend therapy (of the cognitive-behavioral variety) to work on this specifically.
In addition to communicating more effectively with your family, I think this will be useful with another point you brought up, which raised a red flag for me. You wrote: “I think that I could do a better job creating must-have things that he can do to prove his love for me. I’m just not sure what.” This tells me that there may be some merit to your family’s concerns.
No healthy relationship should require a partner devising love or loyalty tests.
There are needs here not getting met, which leads us to the importance of honing your communication and boundary-setting skills.
If the case is that you feel your family needs him to pass these tests, well, that goes back to being firm with them about what is and is not their business.
If you want your family and partner to talk out the issues, you first need to be clear about what they are. Then, determine if they have merit. Last, the key is clear, direct communication with your family and partner about what YOU want and need.
You can’t control anyone’s behavior or responses, but when you are consistent and communicative about what you need and want—and what is not acceptable—those around you will be forced to change because you’ve altered the dynamics.
And if they don’t? Well, sometimes that means severing ties. But you will be far happier standing in your truth than juggling everyone else’s feelings.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Carnelian, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.
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XOXO
*Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez