Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez
She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
Q.
I hate this so much, and most of it is my fault.
Last year I befriended a new coworker who was a little extra (on her first day, she accused our boss of discrimination because her badge wasn't ready yet), but I figured she was just young and high strung. "Candy" was a great friend—she was a lot of fun to hang out with and a lot of fun at work. She seemed to have some red flags at work, but I stayed out of her work-related stuff since it didn't involve me, and I usually wasn't around when the issues she reported happened.
Because of the pandemic (we're essential staff and can't work remotely), I offered to let Candy stay with us in our guest apartment three days a week since she has a really long commute.
My husband was fine with it. We'd hung out with Candy and her partner quite a bit, and he liked them well enough.
My husband is also an essential worker in a different capacity. I work days; he works afternoons/nights. We get 30 minutes in the morning to see each other in passing. We literally have to stop and meet at a coffee shop to have some time together in our day— when he's on his way home, and I'm on my way to work.
We're all working insane hours, but Candy has stopped socially distancing. Her work schedule is a mess because she's trading shifts or calling out, claiming to have been exposed and needing to quarantine, and then partying. We're also pretty sure she's cheating on her boyfriend— a really nice dude—with one of my coworkers.
I told her she needed to be a little more responsible if she wanted to keep using our guest apartment, which she then trashed. She's in her late 20s but still lives with her parents, one of whom is very ill and can't be exposed. Her mother called me and begged me to let her keep using the apartment. We'd had an offer on it from another front-line worker friend who needed the space to quarantine, but we gave Candy one last chance, and she buckled up a little.
Last month, my husband and I were sitting in my car trying to catch up before I went to work. Then he went home to sleep—he'd done two doubles, so he hadn't even been home in almost 36 hours. He was still wearing his work scrubs. Candy was at our guest apartment as her shift started an hour after mine.
With my husband sitting right next to me, I got a hysterical call from Candy saying that my husband had just then deliberately walked in on her in the shower, took pictures of her with his phone, and that she was going to call the police and report him.
My husband was next to me in the passenger seat, exhaustedly drinking coffee, still in his work clothes, having slept between duties in a staff bunk room with three witnesses. I'm also going to mention that our house and guest apartment have doorbell cameras and a tracking app for who unlocks the front doors since we sometimes use it as an Air B&B. He hadn't been home in almost 36 hours. Period.
I've also gotten warnings about Candy. I got some social media DMs from total strangers telling me to watch my back around her and be careful.
She apparently has a history of using people, and when they put their foot down, she accuses them of stealing or assault or stalking.
It's bad. Apparently, her parents join in as well, as her mother has been calling me and texting me and leaving voicemails. My husband is a mess and is just emotionally and physically fried from the pandemic and now has this on top of it to deal with.
Candy went to the police and filed charges. After they saw his time card, spoke to his coworkers, and reviewed his phone and the security app, the charges were dropped.
I don't know how to make this right.
He's not mad at me, but I just want to apologize as much as possible for letting her into our lives. People at work have picked sides, and it's a small town.
How do I even think about this in a way that doesn't make me a gross apologist when nothing happened?
A.
This one is a doozy. It’s clear that this did not happen as your husband was sitting in another location with you at the time she says it occurred.
First, let’s address your direct question. It seems you are concerned that you will appear to be apologizing or excusing your husband’s behavior, which, as you laid out, never occurred.
You have no control over what other people think of you and your husband.
That may feel frustrating and unfair. We, as people, spend an inordinate amount of time and energy trying to control what others think of us, even in small, seemingly innocuous ways. Ultimately, the only thing we can control is how we act.
“Candy” has some issues and does not sound like a very stable person. No good will come from trying to engage with her or anyone related to her. You know how they say, “don’t feed the trolls” when it comes to online comments? Well, the same applies here.
It’s unfortunate that people have picked sides, but you have one significant asset—the truth.
Should any coworker or neighbor bring it up, calmly tell them why the police have dropped the charges. Don’t get into what else she has done. Assassinating her character, while easy in this case, won’t help the situation. The truth will. You have irrefutable evidence of that truth. I believe that with time, those who have picked her side will come to see the truth as well. But it’s not your job to convince them.
I know you feel guilty for bringing her into your home and your life. But your husband is a grown man. If he blames you, which it doesn’t sound like he does, that would be his issue. You can learn from this how to set firmer boundaries with people, even when you like them.
Limit your contact and exposure to her as much as you can at work. If you stay calm and don’t engage, she (and this whole situation) will lose steam.
In my experience with people like this, she will be quick to move on to the next crisis, one that does not involve you.
In the meantime, keep your cool, know that the truth is on your side, and try to remember that the only person you have control over is you.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Golden Topaz, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.
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*Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez