An Update On A One-Night Stand With My Co-Worker

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Dear Erin,

Almost a year ago, I wrote to you about my one-night stand with a co-worker. Your advice and predictions were absolutely spot on. 

As you predicted, the man was not only hiding a relationship, but his partner was pregnant. 

I found out through a post on Facebook announcing their new marriage(?!)/relationship and addition to the family. To say I was gutted is an understatement, and not because of feelings, but rather, that absolutely awful, sickening feeling of guilt towards her and her child despite him telling me he was single. 

I have no idea whether she knows what happened (and while I am someone who would want to know if a partner of mine had cheated on me, I don’t think I’m the right person to tell her, and I certainly don't want to ruin their family). I did not say anything to him about it, instead kept quiet. 

A month after that post (and coincidently, the day his child was born), I received a package in the mail at my work address. He had sent me a copy of his new book, alongside a letter saying that he was thinking about me, and wanted to see me again (just as you predicted), no mention of the marriage or the baby. Keeping what you said in mind, I ignored the letter, thanked him politely for the book, congratulated him on his marriage and new child, and then promptly deleted him from Facebook and ended all contact indefinitely. 

I went to therapy to help work through my feelings of anger, hurt, and guilt, which has helped immensely, as well as learning to let go of the attachments I had made. It's probably been about ten months or so since we've had any contact.

Since then, I’ve met a wonderful guy that I’ve been seeing for a while now (as you predicted!), and I generally feel more confident, and loved, and just better overall. The problem I’m having is, despite all the above, I still often think about that man. It is certainly not in terms of affection or want or desire as it was last year, and it's certainly not all-encompassing like it was either, but I don’t know why he’s still in my head or under my skin. 

I think perhaps a part of me is scared that he'll try and derail my career because I've refused to be some overseas mistress, and that is constantly playing in the back of my mind.

Why can’t I stop thinking about this person? 

I'm worried that the next time I might have to see him, like at a conference, that all my hard work will be undone. 

What more can I do?

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: How Do I Stop My Feelings For Someone Other Than My Boyfriend?

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A.

Well, I am happy you cut him off and got yourself out of a situation that was bound to end badly. Further, I am thrilled to read that you’ve met a wonderful — and more importantly, available — partner. 

Don’t let nostalgia for who you hoped that guy would be, and wasn’t, ruin the relationship you have now.

Because, to remind you, you fell for a fantasy, not the real person. The real person behind that fantasy was a cheater who lied to you about having a relationship, and a child on the way. He’s a louse — a liar and a cheater. You don’t want that. 

What’s unsettling you is the lust that set all your pheromones off when you hooked up. That feeling of someone getting under our skin can be mistakenly there because we had good sex and then it was taken away. Your memory of that hookup is in your body, even if your mind remembers that it was a bad situation. And I get how powerful that can be. I really do. But it’s not grounded in reality. 

The reality is he is married with a kid, and you already know he is a liar and a cheater. 

No good can come of any contact with this guy outside of work. I do not believe that he will try to derail your career. This kind of guy likely has more than one mistress, overseas or not. 

Why do you think about him? Because we often get hung up on the ones who almost were, the ones who disappeared, the ones we couldn’t have. Despite how strong that pull can be, remember who he is and who he is not. 

As for the next time you see him, remember all of the facts. He lied and cheated. He ghosted you. This would end badly, for all of you.

Don’t go there!I don’t know if the person you’re with now is the one for you.But I am fairly certain your old co-worker is NOT.

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Celestite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at  askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

The Guy I'm Dating Is Obsessed With Someone Else

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

This is a bit more complicated than it sounds. 

As stupid as it is, I started dating a guy I liked at work. 

I know — bad move. He only works for a couple of hours a week (less than half a day) as he has another job and this is just extra money, and he's leaving soon so I thought it would be fine. 

The problem is that he's been to known to be obsessed/in love with another girl that works there (again, she has another job so only a few hours a week). But she has repeatedly told everyone she is not interested in him like that. As far as I'm aware she's never directly said it to him though.

Being new, I had no idea the level of his interest in her until it was too late and I was already involved. We still see each other outside of work.

His obsession with her is really starting to hurt me, and I don't know whether to say something to him or not. 

He messages her every day, buys her often expensive things all the time, always brings her up in conversation when we're alone together, spends all his time on our nights out next to her, his phone passcode is her birthday, and he swaps his shifts to be on with her. 

Am I wrong in thinking this is weird? Am I the only one who thinks the other girl is stringing him along by not being blunt with him?

I know I should call it quits, but do I say something to him about it how he made me feel, or am I just being jealous?

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Am I Overreacting?

A.

Listen to your gut. 

His obsession over another girl is a major, huge, flashing, red flag.

Don’t beat yourself up over dating a co-worker. We have all been there. When you spend time with people all week, even if it’s part-time, it’s natural that some people may find themselves attracted to one another. 

You know what the problem is. This is not just an oh, he has unresolved feelings scenario; his behavior is — as you pointed out — obsessive. 

One word answer for you — RUN. 

Seriously, this is not a healthy person.It is not your job to fix him or to cure him ofthis obsession. It is also not your job to sort out her communication with him.If she hasn’t been direct with him, that’s their problem.Get out of this mucky mess.

As far as what to say to him, be honest and kind. Tell him that you have no interest in dating someone who spends their time talking, thinking, and focusing on someone else. Depending on how receptive he is to hear what you have to say, you can kindly point out that he is fixated on her in an unhealthy way. 

That said, you have no obligation to say anything other than, “this is not working for me.” 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Albite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at  askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

Am I Overreacting?

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Okay am I crazy or just whining? 

My husband's coworker is being weird, and I don't know what to do about it. 

I have social anxiety, and it messes with me sometimes in not knowing exactly what's normal social media/social phone behavior. 

Last month, my husband's new coworker sent him a picture of a positive pregnancy test and a sonogram. He was uncomfortable but congratulated her politely in the event that she either sent the text to the wrong person or was just really excited and sending it out to everyone in her contacts. 

Before we go down the rabbit hole, my husband isn't cheating on me. I'm 100% positive  — his phone is never locked, he doesn't have social media accounts, and is an anti-technology hiker hippie type. We have a side business that we run together, so it's not like he's gone for long periods of time with this coworker. He also works from home at least 1/2 the week.He's not close with her and doesn't hang out with his other coworkers. 

She does, however, keep sending him weekly updates from a pregnancy tracker. He texted her, clarifying that she might have the wrong number and asking her why she's sending him these texts, and she just sent him a heart emoji back. An acquaintance of ours knows her quite well and said she's "got terrible boundaries; watch out for that one."

When I was pregnant with our son, I didn't send people pictures of stuff I peed on, least of all a coworker I hardly know. 

I think he should quietly take it to their boss, who is a woman, but he's just paralyzed and uncomfortable. 

I'm getting really annoyed, but I don't know if I'm overreacting, just being a jealous child. Am I wrong to think that this is kind of fucked up?

You Might Also Like: Overreacting? Think Again. You're Not The One With The Problem.

A.

Okay, it is odd that she is sending weekly pregnancy updates. 

Most likely, she is just one of those over-sharers. 

As you pointed out, it sounds highly unlikely that your husband is cheating on you with this woman, especially since he is sharing these texts with you.

If I were in his shoes, I would ignore the texts.I wouldn’t take this to my boss.She’s not sending him nude photos, she’s sending pregnancy updates, that she is likely sending to a whole group of people.

If it’s bothering him, he should set a boundary with her more directly. 

Rather than asking her why she’s sending them or if she has the wrong number, he should say directly something along the lines of: “I’m happy your pregnancy is moving along nicely, but I ask that you not send me weekly updates. It feels a little too personal coming from a co-worker.” 

We are often remiss in setting boundaries because we are worried about hurting the other person’s feelings. But we are doing them a disservice. Further, we are doing ourselves a disservice. 

If you set a boundary with language that is clear but kind, the way the other person reacts is not your business. 

You are not responsible for, nor can you control other people’s behavior. 

Now, I get that you’re bothered. However, I don’t think I would qualify her behavior as fucked up. In your shoes, I would urge your husband to set the boundary mentioned above and then let it go. If it continues and escalates with more personal texts, you can always text her back from your husband’s phone and set that boundary. BUT, it’s really his responsibility. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m reading, what I’m eating, Chalcopyrite , or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

How Do I Stay Professional After A One-Night Stand With A Co-Worker?

This article first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Hi Erin,

I (a woman) made the error of sleeping with a colleague (a man). 

It was, hands down, the most connected, sexual, intense experience I have had to date, and was struck by the feelings I had for this person which (having had a number of one night stands) normally don't happen. Despite how I felt, I had absolutely no expectations in the aftermath and was resolved to keep my feelings to myself and just work through it, especially as we live and work in different countries! 

However, after it happened, for a couple of weeks said colleague sent me a number of messages about how he felt about me and how much he wanted to see me again, and to be honest, because I felt the same, I responded in kind. We had even set a tentative date to see each other again.

Then, he just stopped talking to me. 

Unfortunately, it's not a classic 'ghosting' as we share colleagues on Facebook and are in group chats with some close mutual colleagues and friends. So while he reads but doesn’t respond to my messages in the one-on-one chat, (I have long since stopped sending them), he reads and responds to those in the group chats. 

Seeing this is of course, very upsetting. I have no idea what I did for him to abruptly stop talking to me, and overall, I'm just very hurt by the whole thing and trying desperately to let it go and move on. 

Normally I would just block and delete said person who couldn't be bothered to be upfront and tell me what's going on, but because of the other relationships and connections, that might mean having to tell a mutual friend what happened and causing problems which I'd rather not do. 

If I leave the group chat abruptly, or block and delete this person, friends will suspect and ask me what's going on. I have taken to putting said chats on 'ignore messages' so I no longer see them but I haven't left the groups, as well as unfollowing the person on Facebook, so I don't see notifications.

Despite this, he is all I think about even though I'm trying very hard to let go what happened and to forget the things he said to me. 

I've never felt this way about someone before, and just feel incredibly hurt by the whole thing. 

He didn't have to say anything to me after the fact, he got into my pants, I had no expectations beyond what happened, and I just feel rather lost and broken.

Erin, how do I manage having to stay in contact with this person and keep things professional, and how do I overcome these feelings and move on?

You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Does He Love Me Or Does He Just Want Sex?

A.

He’s definitely ghosted you. And it’s made more unfortunate that you have some peripheral contact with him since you work together. 

But, the good news is he lives in a different country. So, I am guessing you won’t have to see him very often. 

I know you’re wondering why he ghosted you, but that’s irrelevant. My gut says he likely is in a relationship, hid that from you, and either got caught or got scared about the possibility go getting caught. Whatever the reason is, he’s handled this poorly and immaturely. 

If you get honest with yourself, you will realize that you don’t want to be with someone who behaves that way.  

And further, you have no control over his behavior. What you do have control over is where you got from here. 

First, let’s get to the facts and feelings. You mentioned that you’d never felt this way before and that it was an intense and connected sexual experience. While that may all be true, you don’t really know him. 

The feelings you have attached to him are largely built on who you wanted him to be, rather than who he is. 

Now, don’t beat yourself up over that. We have all been there. This is a common experiencewhen you’ve had an intense sexual encounter with someone you don’t know very well. All that oxytocin gets released, our brain fills in the gaps of who they are and what they mean to us. It’s not love; it’s lust. And that’s an important distinction to make — one that the brain knows before the heart does. 

When you find your mind wandering there — to the place that says “but, it was special; I’ve never felt this way; I won’t ever feel this way again; that was my one chance at love" — take a step back; remind yourself of what I said.

These are feelings attached to a fantasy, not a real person. And that’s not your fault; we do this as humans. 

So, how to proceed? 

You've been doing a good job. When it comes to these work chats, remain professional, communicate when necessary, keep those notifications off when you can. And it will get easier with time. 

The odds are high that he will come back around again to pick up where you left off with some lame excuses. Don’t buy into them. Please don’t go there again. You are worth way more than this. 

One day, you will thank the universe that he ghosted you, that you got out relatively unscathed before more time and emotion was invested in him. 

It’s your ego, not your heart here. Trust me. So much of the time when we are in pain, it is ego; it’s attachment to an idea of how we thought things would be. When you practice letting go of those attachments, you are relieved of the heartache. I know that sounds easier than it is, but it has always worked for me. It just takes practice. 

In the meantime, focus on what you want from a partner, make the time for self-care, and have some fun. The world awaits you.

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The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I'm not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I've gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, what to read/listen to/ watch, Thulite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me ataskerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo