Can A Woman Rape A Woman?
Artwork by Tess Emily Rodriguez
Q.
Hi Erin,
I'm a 23-year-old female, and a few months ago I decided to start dating. I've been raped before, so I had never had much interest in dating anyone. My best friend at the time set me up on Tinder, and I met this nice girl. We really hit it off, and I had her meet my friends.They liked her and thought she was really nice. I met her friends as well, and it all went pretty well. After we had been talking for a month, I went and stayed the weekend with her.
My last night there we were at her friend's house, and I was smoking marijuana. I got extremely high, the highest I've ever been. She drank a beer, but that was it. Later that night we were back at her place (I don't remember much of what happened between leaving her friend's house), and I woke up, kind of, to her having sex with me.
I was constantly in and out of sleep throughout the whole ordeal, but I didn't say no.
I didn't think no. I didn't think anything. I was so tired I really didn't pay much attention to what was going on. I definitely didn't reciprocate anything though.
The next morning she apologized to me because she said she felt like she had taken advantage of me. I hadn't even had time to understand what happened, but I told her she had nothing to worry about and it was fine.
I've been raped by two men, but I had never been with a woman and didn't think anything like this would happen. I don't feel raped per se, but I do have a lot of emotions about it that I still haven't been able to figure out.
The more I think about it, the more confused I get.
It makes me so upset to think about, but I'm still not sure why. I don't feel like this counts as rape. It wasn't violent, and she didn't drug me. This feels like one of those grey areas, but is it?
You Might Also Like: It’s 2019. Why Do We Still Think Men Can’t Be Raped By Women?
A.
I am so very sorry that you went through this, but I am really glad you wrote in and that you are asking this question.
I want to make something very clear with my answer — yes, a woman can rape another woman. A woman can also rape a man.
Rape is nonconsensual sex. The legal definition of rape, as defined by The United States Department of Justice is “Penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.”
This woman did not obtain your consent. Being asleep or too high to give consent does not excuse her.
The reason this is still bothering you is that she did rape you.
No, this wasn’t violent, and no, she didn’t drug you, but she engaged in sex with you while you were asleep, and that is a violation.
She knows what she did, or she wouldn't acknowledge it with an apology that downplays what occurred. Addressing that with her is a personal decision and one that should be made with consideration to how safe you feel doing so.
I also want to add that as someone who has been raped in the past, this undoubtedly revives that past trauma. No matter the gender of the person who assaulted you, the feelings that settle in your body and mind are the same. And I speak from experience.
The most crucial thing right now is that get some support.
I am not sure if you have accessed any help for your past traumas, but regardless, now would be a good time for some guidance. I urge you to seek the help of a therapist and possibly a support group.
Below are a couple of resources that can direct you to further help. If you have any other questions about where to find help in your area, please email me again.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Dioptase, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
Did I Commit Marital Rape?
I'm immediately remorseful of the action I've committed whether I was under the influence or not. Artwork by Tess Emily Rodriguez
Q.
Hello Erin,
My wife and I have been married for almost ten years.
The other night we drank a lot. While sitting on the couch, she asked me to put on some pornography for us to watch. I found something to put on the TV and then things started getting hot and heavy on the couch.
I don't really remember too much between the couch and the bed, vaguely remember turning off the TV. I came to the bedroom with the light still on, and she was naked on the bed. I got naked too and climbed on top of her and made a really stupid decision to try and have anal sex with her.
Upon entering her, she rears up and asks me what the f*ck I am doing. The realization of what she was saying was like being hit with a bucket of cold water in that she was saying that I was raping her.
I'm immediately remorseful of the action I've committed whether I was under the influence or not.
In high school, she had a rape experience where she was drugged and sexually assaulted against her will.
I've been beating myself over the past few days, and my wife — who I love, respect, and can't live without — can’t look at me or speak to me.
Is what I did the same thing that happened to her in high school?
I've talked with friends and family, and I can't get through to her, so I think the next best option is therapy for both of us.
What's your opinion and how do you think I should move forward?
Thanks.
You Might Also Like: Is It Sexual Assault If You're Married?
A.
I appreciate you writing in to ask this question.
So often we think about consent in terms of people we are getting to know. But the consideration (and nuances) of consent don’t go away in a long-term relationship.
Clear consent with a spouse or partner is as important as it is the first time you’re intimate with someone.
And it’s easy to forget that when you’ve grown to be comfortable with someone. But it is still necessary. Why? Because your spouse is a human being, not a robot.
Something she enjoyed yesterday may not feel right today.
One thing that was not clear to me in your email was whether you stopped what you were doing when she responded the way she did. My read on this as that you did, but are nonetheless aware that you shouldn’t have forged ahead into anal sex in sneaky mode. Assuming you did stop, then no, I don’t think that what you did is the same thing that happened to her in high school. But…
It is your responsibility to work with your wife on establishing sexual boundaries and being aware of what could trigger that past trauma for her.
How you establish and communicate consent may look different in a marriage than a new relationship, but it is not any less crucial. A baseline model for consent in a relationship is asking your partner if what you are doing feels good for them AND checking in before a jump forward — do you want to have sex/ anal sex/ oral sex/ etc.
Your instinct to seek couple’s therapy is spot on.
You need the help of a professional to guide you to both better decision making and communication.
I also encourage you to open up the communication with your wife, when she is ready to do so, to talk about what would make her feel safe again sexually, what acts are strictly off the table, and if you need a safe word to use in the heat of the moment if there are things that she may like but not always be up for.
A note about the intoxicated factor… I have a general opinion when it comes to the fallout caused by alcohol or any mind-altering substances. If you behave ways when drunk/high that have negative consequences or are antithetical to who you are as a person, perhaps it’s time to evaluate your relationship with alcohol or substances. Just putting that out there as proverbial food for thought.
Lastly, some homework for you to get started on right now by educating yourself about consent:
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes.
If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Peridot, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
I Assaulted My Ex And Don't Know How To Make It Right
Artwork by Tess Emily Rodriguez
Q.
I sexually assaulted my ex, and I don't know how to make things better.
I have apologized and told her I would give her all the space she needs. The problem is we also have a daughter together, which just makes everything worse.
I do feel terrible about what happened, and I do take full responsibility.
I think my problem here is we have a long history, and there was a lot of things going on between us which led to this.
We were together for five years, and we largely broke up because she insisted on sleeping with other men. That's not the whole story, but a significant part of it.
We remained living together, and sexually active, after breaking up, but she started having sex with other people right away. She would come home and brag about these sexual encounters and in detail, despite me pleading for her not to.
Earlier in the night, before this incident happened, I was walking around an area where she told me she had sex in public with someone. Later that night, I came over because I was too tired to drive home after dropping off a friend who lived down the road. Big mistake.
She invited me into her bed for a massage, and she was not wearing any pants or undies. I massaged her, and later she went downstairs to sleep on the couch. When I woke up, I went downstairs, and that's when it happened.
She told me no repeatedly, but as horrible as it sounds I can honestly say I could not stop myself. I touched her and myself while holding her down. There’s always more to the story of course. Previously she told me if I wanted her I would have to force myself on her — her words. She also just recently started declining sex with me, and there have been multiple very confusing incidents where she would act like she didn't want to, then show me her butt or things like that.
I feel like absolute shit for what I have done. I will try to give her as much space as possible, although I hope I can still see my daughter. I think I am writing this partially as a confession, and partially as much as I hate myself for what I have done, I do feel that our whole relationship, in general, led up to this night.
Do women have any responsibility in these situations — messing with mens’ heads and flirting?
How can she be held accountable for her actions with me still taking the blame?
I can honestly say, my big mistake was going over to her place that night — one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I don't ever see this happening with anyone else, because a lot of this had to do with our relationship and how confusing and difficult it has been. She literally told me before to force myself on her.
I'm so confused, and I don't know if I can live with what I have done and simultaneously wish she would just be with me, although I know it’s best not to and it will never happen now, if there was a chance before. I have a hard time living with this but also don't feel I deserve any sympathy.
You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Was I Raped?
A.
First, thank you for writing in. As hard as it can be for men to confront this stuff, it is vital that you do. It is how we will move forward and teach the next generation what consent actually means and looks like.
You are guilty of sexual assault. You know this.
There is no dissecting of her behavior — no matter how problematic it has been, that erases your culpability.
You are the one who held her down when she repeatedly said no. This is why you feel as badly as you do now. I am glad that you have that awareness.
Your relationship with this woman has been highly dysfunctional, and it sounds like you are both responsible for the wonky boundaries. It seems like a nightmare of a relationship, but she is not responsible for what you did that night.
In your email, you said: “I can honestly say, my big mistake was going over to her place that night — one of the biggest mistakes of my life.” This is inaccurate. While it was a poor decision to go over there that night, that was not your big mistake. Your biggest mistake was assaulting her; your biggest mistake was holding her down while you touched yourself and she said no.
Again, you know this. You're doing what most people do when trying to confront something they’ve done that they feel ashamed about — you’re trying to find some justification that can alleviate the shame, even a little.
So where do you go from here?
First of all, continue giving her all the space that she needs. Second of all, you need some sort of written agreement in place that establishes boundaries concerning co-parenting. Third, you should offer to pay for therapy for her. Fourth, you need to get into some individual or group therapy yourself to process this and evaluate your behavior so that you never, ever do this again. You also need that therapy so that you learn how to set and repsct boundaries. For your daughter's sake, it would be great if you could model a healthy relationship for her.
I don’t believe you are a bad person. I think you are a rather typical product of rape culture. This is what rape culture begets in men, a sense of entitlement that supersedes another person’s (usually a woman or non-binary person) agency over their body. BUT, it is your responsibilty to take stock of this and change your behavior.
I urge and encourage you to get that therapy and to educate yourself about consent.
Here are a few good places to start:
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Pink Tourmaline, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
Was I Raped?
Artwork by Tess Emily Rodriguez
Q.
This is something that has haunted me for many years.
When I was 17, my best friend had a new boyfriend.
I hadn't seen her for some time as she had moved in with him and she insisted that I come to spend a weekend with them. He was a couple of years older than us and could drive and buy alcohol.
My friend wanted to party, and her boyfriend went out and brought a couple of bottles of liquor. We were all drinking, and I noticed that the boyfriend hadn't been drinking all that much but seemed to be quite happy to keep pouring drinks for the two of us. I didn't think too much of it at the time.
Later on, my friend pulled me aside and told me that her boyfriend was quite interested in having a threesome with us. I laughed it off and declined because I was a virgin at the time and losing my virginity in a three-way with my friend, and her new boyfriend was definitely not on my to-do list. The topic of sex was discussed some more, and I made a few jokes about how it was no good talking to me about that sort of thing. I had absolutely nothing to add, just trying to joke my way out of an uncomfortable situation.
The boyfriend started talking about how he had friends that he could set me up with to help me out and I laughed, and I think I said something along the lines of that would be very nice, thanks. I was very drunk and my friend even more so.
She passed out, and the boyfriend insisted on helping me to the bedroom that I was sleeping in. I didn't want to appear rude, so I accepted his help. He escorted me to the bedroom and hugged me. And this is the part that saddens and confuses me. I hugged the boyfriend back, kissed him on the cheek, and told him that I didn't want to be a virgin anymore, that I really should try this "sex thing." I meant about him setting me up with a friend, but I think he took that to mean that I wanted to have sex with him.
I went into the bedroom, got undressed, got into bed, and turned the lights out.
I was close to passing out myself when I heard the door open.
The boyfriend climbed into bed with me, got on top, and had sex with me.
I'm ashamed to say that after it was over, I sobbed in his arms about what a slut I was and what a terrible friend I was. His way of "comforting" me was to climb on top of me again.
After that weekend was over, I barely spoke to my friend, and I don't see her all that often anymore. We are still friends, and she is still with him. I don't think she knows what happened and if she does, she either pretends it never happened because I'm sure he would have told her that I hit on him or she chose to ignore it as she does with the other women he cheated on her with.
The topic of that awful night has only been brought up by him once. It was a few weeks later, and he emailed me and told me that he would "never forget that amazing night because I was so wonderful in bed." I read that, emailed back “thanks," and threw up.
Just thinking about it now makes me feel sick, but I don't know whether I feel sick because I was raped or whether I am just that terrible friend and drunk slut.
You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: How Do I Support My Friend Who Was Raped?
A.
Okay, first of all, you are not a terrible friend or a drunk slut. Please stop beating yourself up about this.
If you could go back in time, would you make different choices? Maybe.
But, you were 17 years old. At the very least, this was statutory rape.
This boyfriend of hers took advantage of a drunk minor, who he plied with alcohol. EVEN if you kissed him, EVEN if you commented about not wanting to be a virgin anymore, at no point did this adult man obtain consent.
I am so sick and tired of men who prey on young women in the murkiness of youth and booze and inexperience.
What he did was wrong. What he did was rape. You were a minor. You did not consent. You were inebriated. Drunk people cannot consent.
I am so sorry that this happened to you. I am so sorry that you have spent however many years beating yourself up over this.
I want to encourage you to seek the help of a therapist or support group in processing this.This sh*t stays with us. I know. There are excellent resources out there. RAINN is a good place to start.
Secondly, I want you to write two emails — one to this asshole and one to your friend. I want you to get all the truth out, and then set those emails aside for a while. Save them as drafts.After you’ve received some support and had a little distance, revisit them, revise as needed, and if you feel as if it will bring further closure, send them. But let yourself have the time and space to consider that before you do. I think that the act of writing them alone will bring you some closure.
If I could go back in time, I would hug that 17-year-old girl and assure her that she is not a drunken slut; she is not a terrible friend. She is the victim here.
And I see her and believe her.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I'm not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I've gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, what I’m watching,what I’m reading, Magnetite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me ataskerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
How Do I Support My Friend Who Was Raped?
Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez
Q.
I was hoping for some advice on the best way to deal with a delicate subject.
My friend came to see me yesterday and during the course of the day she confessed that recently she "was sort of assaulted.”
She explained that she had met a guy on Tinder and had willingly gone back to his place.They had both been drinking, and so she posed for a naked photo. She told him that she wanted him to wear a condom during sex and he at first appeared to be okay with that.However, when she reached for the condom to put it on, he pinned her down so she couldn't move and put his penis inside her without it.
She said that she froze at first but then managed to push him off her before he finished.Apparently, he didn't seem to understand what her issue was and told her that he doesn't like condoms. She told me she, understandably, feels very angry.
I've suggested that she report it, but she isn't interested in doing that. I don't think she realizes how bad it is and I want to be supportive without making things worse.
She described it as "kind of a grey area" because she “consented.” I've tried to explain that she consented to sex with a condom not to being pinned down so they couldn't use one. She is on top of the practical side as she has got herself tested and arranged an HIV test but I don't know how to support her emotionally when she's playing it down and insisting everything's fine.
She is worried that if she does report it then nothing will happen anyway and he will use the naked picture to prove consent. I've left things by explaining that I respect her decision and she only needs to ask if she wants anything at all.
Is there something more I can do?
I hate that it's happened to her and the thought of this guy doing this to other women makes me sick. I want to be a good friend without causing more damage.
You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: How Do I Tell My Best Friend That He Sexually Assaulted Me?
A.
As an advice columnist, I receive many questions from folks who write in asking if I think what happened to them was rape or if they should tell someone about their sexual assault or what they should do in the wake of an assault.
Your question is an important one because we all know someone (likely many someones) who has been sexually assaulted.
What happened to your friend is awful and, sadly, all too common. I have heard countless stories, from friends and readers of this column, about similar situations — from “stealthing” to sex that began as consensual and turned into rape. As you know, your friend wasn’t “sort of assaulted;” she was raped. She did not consent to have his bare penis inside of her, and he held her down and shoved it in anyway.
Consent is not a one and done concept. ANY sexual contact without consent IS sexual assault.
Consent requires voluntary, affirmative agreement among all parties involved, and can be withdrawn or altered at any time during a sexual encounter.
I can understand why she is reluctant to press charges. While it may feel frustrating, as I know you want justice for what happened to her, you have to respect her decision, and, at this point, don’t force the issue.
So what else can you do to help?
You’ve already started helping her by listening to her and validating what happened to her.
Continue to do that. But, don’t push her into talking about it if she doesn’t want to do so.Everyone processes trauma differently and in their own time. That said, it is totally cool to check in with her about it from time to time.
Encourage her to seek therapeutic support.
RAINN and NSVRC have thorough lists of resources on finding all sorts of support after a sexual assault. Offer to help her find someone to speak with, or drive her to her first appointment. She may not want or need that type of support, but if she does, she will be grateful that you offered.
Plan some self-care activities that you can do together.
When we are in the midst of processing trauma, we aren’t always good at remembering to be extra kind to ourselves. Plan a picnic or a spa day, a day at the beach or a Netflix and face mask night.
This type of support is priceless.
And, as you have been doing, continue to listen. Don’t try to fix things or push her to talk if she’s not up for it. But, just be there.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I'm not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I've gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, what I’m reading,Sphalerite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me ataskerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
Should I Accept My Friend's Apology For Sexually Assaulting Me?
Photo by Tiago Bandeira on Unsplash
Q.
Hi Erin,
I can't get over with what happened to me, and I need your advice. I know you’ve also experienced assault, but I can't let it go, and I need your help. I still find myself confused and humiliated.
My best friend lives far away because I was born and still live in a foreign country and therefore we see each other only when I visit my hometown every year.
We’ve chatted every single day for almost two years. He always asked about my daily life, and we would chat for hours and say that we love each other. We would talk about our secrets, even though he doesn’t express his feelings. We hung out twice, and we felt a connection. During the second time, we held hands, and it was a nice moment — just innocent touch (In our country, we are not allowed to hug in public). I thought he was both passionate and mature.
When we met a third time, it was the worst experience I’ve ever had.
We were sitting in a park, holding hands because we hadn’t seen each other in a long time.We were talking and relaxing. I put my head on his shoulder, and he held my hand. I was looking at the grass, and we were talking about his ex. He said his heart was heavy while he pointed at my chest. I was surprised but thought I'd ignore it.
Then after a few minutes, he groped my chest. I was numb and found myself not reacting. I don't know why I froze. I just never thought that my best friend was that type of human. I never thought he would take advantage of me.
He kept touching until I removed his hand quietly. I still said nothing. My head was still on his shoulder, and I didn't want to look at his face, especially after what he did. We stayed silent and then he did it again, and I stayed silent until I called his name and he stopped.
I became more confused when he did for the third time, and I removed his hand. Then he talked and said, "Shall we try it." I was shocked, and I said "No."
I asked him why he would ask such a question and told him that I was shocked.
He justified it by saying that just wanted to know my general opinion about sex. We then talked about something else, and I stayed frozen.
I can’t believe myself, but I stayed silent. He held my hand when we left the park. When he left, I was in a state of shock. I walked around for two hours and just stared at the ground.I felt suicidal and confused. I questioned if I let him take advantage of me, if I let him humiliate me, or if he was pretending to be my best friend.
Late that night, he wrote me on WhatsApp and acted like nothing happened. My heart was racing and I told him what he did was wrong. He apologized, but I felt he was giving a short apology when I expressed how he hurt me. I decided to leave the chat, and he said: "Okay, darling.” I felt even worse when wrote “darling,” as if what he did was not so bad. I cried and was shattered.
I didn't contact him for two days until he wrote and asked if I’d forgotten him. I just gave short kept answers until he asked what was the matter with me. I said that he didn't realize what he did to me and that he used me. His reply was "mmmm...I am sorry.”
I kept telling him that I didn't believe him. He replied by saying, "I am sorry. I know your thoughts. I am really sorry.” Not like "You are my best friend, and we need to talk…” No, just “sorry.”
I decided I want to forget this happened. He still contacts me through messages because of our busy schedules and asks how I am doing, like things went back to normal.
I don't know if I should continue the friendship and accept his ‘apology.’
My heart doesn't beat faster anymore, but I am still getting flashbacks and depression when I think of what happened.
I need any advice, Erin. I don't know what I should do. I thought of meeting him and discussing it with him face to face but I am afraid he will only say sorry and nothing more.He isn't the type to express his emotions but is one word — “sorry" — enough?
I apologize for writing a long letter. I just needed to write down all I feel and what happened. I feel like it’s going to scar me.
You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Do I Tell My Rapist That He Raped Me?
A.
First of all, I am so sorry you went through this upsetting experience.
It is such a betrayal when someone we trust crosses our physical and figurative boundaries in a way that completely disregards our agency.
What your friend did was wrong.
The only thing he did right was that he did not force himself on you, and he eventually got the message of NO.
That does not discount the effect that this seemingly small (at least to him) mistake has had on you. I know that culturally, this may have an even more significant impact, as you mentioned that in your country you are not allowed to hug in public. So, I can imagine that this came as a real shock.
Now, as for his apology. Yes, I do think he is probably genuinely sorry. But, no he does not comprehend the impact his unwanted groping had on you. And I don’t know if any further talking about it will change that.
What concerns me the most in this situation is that you mentioned that you felt suicidal after this.
That needs to be addressed, above all else. I think it would be extremely beneficial for you to speak with a counselor or therapist about this. I am not sure what country you are in, but if you email me again, I will see what I can do about finding some resources for you.
I understand you feel humiliated by what happened, but you didn’t do anything wrong. You need to know that.
So where do you go from here?
Do I think you should accept his apology? It doesn’t seem like that’s a possibility. Ask yourself this — is this someone you even want in your life? It does not sound like your values line up. At best, he is someone who didn’t respect your boundaries. At worst, he’s a bit rapey.I think that in this situation, you are better off letting go of this friendship and moving on.
As I said previously, I highly recommend some therapy to deal with the feelings you are left with in the aftermath of the incident, including your feelings of depression (which may be underlying and set off by the situation). Additionally, a good therapist can work with you on learning to set boundaries with people in the future.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I'm not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I've gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, what’s getting me through Mercury Retrograde, Bixbite, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
How Do I Tell My Best Friend That He Sexually Assaulted Me?
Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez
Q.
Hi Erin,
I'm really conflicted and upset and confused at the moment and just wanted some advice.
My best friend sexually assaulted me, and he doesn't realize it.
So a couple of months ago my best friend was drunk, I was sober, and it got to the point where I needed to carry him home to our uni campus residence. On the walk back he had tried to kiss me a bit, and I had said "no" and just kept walking with him, thinking he's drunk and nothing else of it.
My room was on the ground floor, so we went there first so I could get some water into him then take him to his room a couple of flights up. When we were in my room, I sat on my bed to take my heels off, and then next thing I know, he's pushing me back and getting on top of me, kissing and touching me and telling me to “Shh.”
I kept saying"no" and pushing him off and oh god I was so scared when it wasn't working, and he wouldn't budge... eventually, he did, and nothing penetrative happened thank god. After that, I just took him to his room and put him to bed.
The next morning I went to check up on him and told him what he did which he apologized for, but I don't think he really got what he had done.
It was never spoken about again between us.
A couple of months later, after the inquiries into sexual assaults on university campuses in Australia, "I stand with survivors" shirts started circulating, and for an event, he thought it would be a great idea to wear one as he "stood with survivors.”
I was sickened.
How could he stand with survivors when he had sexually assaulted me, had made me feel so scared and sickened and not safe?
Since then, our friendship has really deteriorated, but we're still mates. It's the start of another year, and we're both living at the same uni residential colleges again, and the awful feeling of being assaulted keeps coming back, and I don't know what to do because I honestly think he doesn't know or realize what he's done.
But how do I tell him??
You Might Also Like: Ask Erin: Am I A Rapist?
A.
I wish I could say that yours is a unique situation. But sadly, this blurred line of consent and intoxication — especially in pre-existing friendships — is so common. I am so glad that it stopped short of penetration.
But, you were violated, and I think you’re right — your friend doesn’t understand what he’s done.
This is the crux of the problem here with the whole consent conversation. A painful re-education around consent has to happen. It’s the only way forward. And that conversation needs to include men who may not be outright rapists, but through their societal programming and silent entitlement, are unaware of just how violating their behavior has been.
I’ve been in similar situations. Three times, I’ve woken up to a friend’s hand down my pants. In all three instances, we were in a platonic group sleepover situation, they were intoxicated, and when I woke up and said some variation of “What the fuck are you doing?” they stopped and acted remorseful/embarrassed for their behavior.
And what did I do? I said it was okay. It was no big deal. I ended up consoling them because they felt bad.
WHAT. THE. HELL.
I didn’t have agency over my own damn body. I felt like I had done something wrong. I cannot tell you the number of times a man has acted inappropes with me (which is so many) and I have brushed it off, made them feel better about it. And that’s not the way forward.
The way forward is letting them know just how very wrong what they did was.
If you feel safe enough having this conversation in person, do that. It’s harder for people to shirk responsibility when they are face to face with another human. If you do not feel comfortable doing that, then write him an email. You should write down what you want to say either way, leave it for a couple of days, and then come back to it.
It’s okay if you want to end your friendship. It’s also okay if you want to work through what happened and remain friends. You are in control here. Remember that. You hold the power.
If I were you, I would tell him that what he did still haunts you — that you felt violated and scared and unsure of how far he was going to take things. I would tell him that it makes you sick to see him wearing an “I Stand With Survivors” t-shirt. I would tell him that you want to be sure he never does something like this to anyone ever again, because it is sexual assault. He pushed himself on you — after you said no, without your consent.
There is no gray area here.
Lastly, I highly recommend seeking some therapy or support through a group. You mentioned in your email that you are in Australia. You can access resources in your area through ReachOut Australia. Additionally, there may be services or support groups through your university. If you need any more guidance in finding some support, please do not hesitate to reach out.
*If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, please seek help. You can chat live now online or by phone at 1-800-656-HOPE, through the Sexual Assault Hotline. It is free and confidential. If anyone needs region-specific resources, RAINN has a page where you can find centers near you, or you can email me.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I'm not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I've gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, recovery, friendship, sex, consent, what I’m watching, Blue Chalcedony, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo