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Want to win an advanced reader copy of STRUNG OUT? Well, head on over to Goodreads and enter. 25 copies are up for grabs! It’s free to enter. I hope you enter and win because I can’t wait to talk with you about the book!
(Only available to US residents.)
ENTER HERE BY DECEMBER 9, 2019
XOXO
What a nice surprise this morning to see that Shelf Awareness picked my book trailer as the Book Trailer of the Day!
I’ve always loved watching other authors’ book trailers and it’s surreal to see mine up on YouTube and being shared around social media. It’s a dream come true for me to be able to share my story with the readers and I feel really emotional about it (in a good way!). Hope you’re all having a fantastic week!
XOXO
Photo by Fabiola Peñalba on Unsplash
Once my advanced readers were out in the world, I realized that STRUNG OUT had become it’s own entity, something I had created that is entirely separate from me. I’ve hoped (and sometimes worried) that my story and the narrative I created from it would resonate with readers and reviewers. While the first Goodreads reviews started appearing shortly after the advanced copies went out, I’d been waiting for my official reviews. The first two are in!
Publishers Weekly was the first official review to come in and they liked it! “Khar holds nothing back in this moving debut memoir about addiction…This heartbreaking yet heartwarming memoir puts a human face on the drug crisis and the factors that lead to addiction.” You can read the whole review HERE.
Next up was Kirkus Reviews. I had heard that Kirkus could be snarky with their reviews. So I felt extra nervous about this one. But what they said was so lovely and all positive. I can breathe again! “Khar is able to describe her behavior with refreshing perspective, and she is candid throughout…This contemporary take on an unfortunately too-common experience is eye-opening and relevant…A necessarily honest and emotional account that ends in earned redemption.” You can read the review in its entirety HERE.
Lastly, I was delighted to be a part of Lisa L. Kirchner’s article for The Fix on how the addiction memoir has evolved. She included this quote from our chat: Khar, for instance, recalls looking for relatable stories. “There were very few books about drug addiction written by women, and I didn’t find any of them.” So she set out to write one. “I want my book to give people hope and to reduce the stigma around speaking about drug addiction,” says Khar. “I wrote Strung Out because it was the book I needed when I was younger.”
More to come!
XOXO
Books are Magic Wednesday October 09 | 7:30PM - 8:30PM
225 Smith Street
Brooklyn NY 11231
Lilly Dancyger: Burn It Down w/ Minda Honey, Erin Khar, Meredith Talusan
Wednesday October 09 | 7:30PM - 8:30PM
Women’s anger—so long mocked, dismissed, or considered taboo—appears at first glance to be having a moment, from the 2017 relaunch of Tarana Burke’s #MeToo movement, through the Women’s Marches around the world, to political analysis in the run-up to the 2020 election. Yet, as Lilly Dancyger writes in the introduction to Burn It Down: Women Writing about Anger (Seal Press, October 8, 2019), even “when asked specifically to write about their anger, many of the women in this book described it at first from a safe distance, explaining coolly and calmly what they were angry about.” We’ve been taught that angry women will be perceived as ugly, crazy, undeserving of love, and maybe even dangerous. As Dancyger puts it, “Millennia of conditioning is hard to unlearn.”
Even now, women’s anger is often made palatable by describing it as a tool for social change. But as Dancyger writes, “our anger doesn’t have to be useful to deserve a voice. Just as women who are so often reduced to sexual objects or baby-makers deserve to be considered as whole individuals on their own terms and for their own sakes, I wanted to give their anger space to exist solely for itself, without being packaged and used for someone else’s gain. That’s what this anthology is for.”
Meredith Talusan reflects on how differently her interaction with a male classmate would have unfolded if it had happened prior to her gender transition, or further down the road: “Because I was new to womanhood, I didn’t know I was supposed to let his blatant insult to my intelligence go.” Erin Khar describes anger subverted into guilt—but only for a time. And Minda Honey questions what to do with anger that’s leftover even after you forgive someone who’s wronged you.
Lilly Dancyger is the memoir editor at Narratively, a contributing editor and writing instructor at Catapult, and assistant books editor at Barrelhouse. Her work has appeared in The Rumpus, Washington Post, The Guardian, New York Magazine, and many other outlets.
Minda Honey's writing has been featured by Longreads, Oxford American, The Washington Post, The Guardian, Playboy, Vice, and other major publications. She’s working on a memoir about dating as a Black woman in Southern California, working title An Anthology of Assholes.
Erin Khar’s debut memoir about her decade-long battle with opiate addiction is forthcoming from Park Row Books in winter 2020. Erin is also the managing editor at Ravishly, where she writes the weekly advice column, Ask Erin.
Meredith Talusan’s debut memoir, Fairest, is forthcoming from Viking/Penguin Random House.
This event is free! Let us know you're coming on Facebook.
Hi Erin,
My boyfriend and I have been engaged for two years.
He doesn't spend time with my family or friends, we don't spend time together one on one outside of watching television or movies at home, and we don't have sex.
Our last conversation was me asking him what the underlying reason was for us not having sex was. He said that he shows physical love in other ways like rubbing my back (which is infrequent as well).
I think he's a great person and I love him, but I don't believe I can marry him. I don't want to stop having sex, and I want someone to experience life with. I feel like I need to break up with him, but I'm afraid I'm making a mistake. Life is good, we're both very independent, and I have lots of freedom. I just feel like our love is more like family than passionate romantic love.
It's not that we don't kiss or have sweet moments, but it's not enough.
Am I too hard on him? Is there something else I can do?
Often when people write to me about relationship problems — and whether they should stay or go — they already know the answer. But they need someone else to confirm it, to permit them to do what they know they want to do.
In the opening of your email, instead of saying fiancé, you said you’d been engaged for two years to your boyfriend. The moment I read that, I knew that your heart is not all in here.And it’s okay that your heart is not all in.
In my life, I have spent a lot of time in almost right relationships (and some that were way wrong) because I kept playing the “but” game. But he’s a good guy. But I love him even though I’m miserable.
But sex isn’t that important.But no one is perfect.
And sure, there’s some truth in all of those buts. BUT, marriage is a big deal, or it should be, and you should feel like your needs are getting met by your future spouse.
When I met my husband, I had just come out of a long on-again/off-again relationship that wasn’t working because neither of us was getting what we needed in a relationship. Not because we were terrible people, but because our needs didn’t align so well.
My relationship with my husband felt different from the beginning; it felt effortless. This is not to say that we have never argued or that things are always perfect, far from it. But, in general, on a daily basis, I am happy; I am satisfied in my relationship. And even more importantly, my marriage is the least stressful part of my life. And I believe that is how it should be.
Yes, in a longterm relationship, we think about the other person’s needs, we may compromise, we may need reminders to be present and giving and loving. But that is life with any profound relationship.
You asked if you are too hard on him, if there’s something else you can do…
I don’t think you should marry him. I think you should allow both of you the opportunity to find a partner who is better suited to your needs.
It can feel scary to let go of relationships, especially when we’ve come a long way with someone, but I believe you will both be happier moving on from each other.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Brookite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
Artwork by Tess Emily Rodriguez
Dear Erin,
I am a big fan of your page, and all your advice is so good. Now I write to you in order to solve a problem.
I have anger issues.
This has brought me problems with all the people around me.
The problem is I have reasons to be angry. I have been a victim of physical, psychological, and sexual abuse. However, people don't see I’ve suffered injustice: they only see my rage.
I try to explain, but people stop loving me, and I end up having to apologize for my anger, and I feel doubly victim: first for suffering injustice and second for having my feelings not validated and having to apologize for then, without receiving the validation I need.
What can I do?
— Suffering Woman
Dear Suffering Woman,
My heart goes out to you.
As someone who grew up lacking coping skills, I didn’t learn how to handle my anger until I was well into adulthood. I had suppressed my trauma and anger for so long as a child and adolescent, that when it began to come out, it exploded and I couldn’t control it.
It seems this is what has been happening with you as well. That rage is your body’s reaction to any perceived threat. That rage is a form of hypervigilance that is a method of survival.That rage is the aftermath of trauma.
Likely, the people who are on the receiving end of your anger now, do not deserve it. I know for me, I lashed out at people who didn’t deserve it. I frequently overreacted because I was furious with other people, people who’d hurt me a long time before.
And I was so mad at myself. In some twisted way, I held myself responsible for my depression, for my PTSD from sexual abuse, because if I held the blame, I had some control.
But I was out of control, much as you are out of control now.
Reaching out to me is a wonderful first step.I encourage you to follow up with therapy.You didn’t mention in your email if you have had any therapy.But you need a safe space to process all of that abuse and be guided in learning tools that will help you regulate your emotions, rather than letting them control you.
I cannot stress enough how vital it is that you get some professional help. Unchecked, these anger issues will continue to plague you for the rest of your life. No matter how kind the people are around you, no matter how many times your feelings are validated by others, until you work through the trauma and work to change your behavior, things will remain the same.
You can be free from feeling this way all the time. You really can. But you can’t get there alone.
In addition to therapy, there are many resources available online, as well as IRL in the form of support groups. If you email me, I can give you some leads in your area.
Don’t lose heart. You can get to a place where you are no longer controlled by your anger.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Tiger’s Eye, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
Artwork by Tess Emily Rodriguez
Hi Erin,
We’ve known each other for 40 years. We just reconnected and became engaged. We talked and texted every day.
He wrecked both of his cars. His mom fell and broke her hip. The last text I got was how much he loves me.
I see he is on Facebook. Our status is still “engaged.” We have several hundred friends in common. It’s been four days.
What do I do?
Ouch. Being ghosted sucks. Being ghosted when you’re in an actual relationship is even worse. I’m sorry that he’s pulling this juvenile behavior.
And it does sound like he’s avoiding you. Trying to decipher why is futile.
I do have questions. You mentioned he wrecked both of his cars. Was this alcohol related?Reckless driving? The way you phrased it suggests that he’s been displaying some out of control or destructive behavior on his part. You also mentioned that his mother fell and broke her hip. I am assuming you mentioned all this to indicate that he may be under a lot of stress.
It takes a whole 30 seconds to send someone a text. If he’s struggling, if he’s stressed, and he is in a place where he needs some space, he could tell you in a text that is simple as: “I’m really struggling with everything on my plate. I need a little space. This has nothing to do with you. I love you, and we’ll talk next week.”
Might you be worried or annoyed? Maybe. But that’s a whole lot better than floating in the great unknown.
I don’t think you need to be in contact with your partner 24/7, but you are meant to marry this man, and he should be able and willing to at least keep you in the loop.
And he can’t be too young since you’ve known each other for 40 years!
This avoidance behavior is a huge red flag.Don’t kid yourself.He is a grown man behaving like an adolescent.
You asked what to do. This is what I think. Do not marry him. Not without some explanation and time to rebuild that trust. Let’s say he contacts you on day five and everything goes back to normal. That doesn’t erase the four days of a black hole in the communication department.
Do you want a spouse who shows so little respect that he ghosts you for whatever reason for days a time? Would you want your sister or daughter or best friend to marry someone like this?
No. You don’t. You wouldn’t.
If he comes back and you want to move forward, I strongly suggest you delay the nuptials and get some premarital counseling. With the help of a therapist, you can clearly communicate with each other what your expectations are for this marriage, what you will and won’t put up with.
Good luck and don’t forget to keep the focus on what you want and need rather than letting him control the situation.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Ulexite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
Artwork by Tess Emily Rodriguez
This has been going on for years already. She had a baby, and at this point, I don’t really know if it's my husband's or her so-called ex-boyfriend.
I found a picture on my husband's phone of her sending nude pictures to him.
What can I do? Should I confront him? Should I confront her? Should I confront them both?
I wish I could say I’ve never received a question like this before. But I have.
I answered one a couple of years ago, and readers were shocked. But it seems it’s more common than we think.
There is a lot to unpack here, and I have a lot of questions, but let’s get into some essential advice on handling this.
Let’s first start with the infidelity. Your husband has betrayed you. It is not clear to me whether or not you have confronted him in the past. You mentioned it’s been going on for years, but then ask if you should confront them. If you have yet to confront him, yes, tell him that you know, that you have evidence.
You need someone outside of the situation who can help guide you through what will be a minefield of emotions, with both your husband and daughter.
How you proceed with him, with some outside help, is going to be dependent on unknown factors. Did your daughter grow up with your husband as her stepfather? Did the affair start when she was an adult? If she lived with him as a minor, did he groom her for this?
The next appointment you need to make is with a family law attorney. This is not as simple as my spouse had an affair-let’s go to counseling-I can forgive him. You need some guidance on getting out of this marriage, getting your finances in order, etc., so you can make get out.
Because he hasn’t just fractured your marriage, he’s damaged your relationship with your daughter.So let’s talk about your daughter.Again, I really think that making a plan of action with a therapist is needed in this situation.
I am hopeful that with time and a lot of therapy, you can repair and rebuild a relationship with your daughter. Maybe it won’t be what it was before, but I don’t believe you should throw away any possibility of reconnecting.
I hope that you do get some counseling. If you need help finding a therapist in your area, please email me again. As it’s been years, and you have yet to take action, I don’t want you to sit with this denial any longer.
I know this may feel overwhelming. You don’t have to do this alone. You don’t have to take every step at once. But you can’t pretend it’s not happening.
Your silence is not serving any of you. If you have a friend or family member you trust, please confide in them. I want you to have available the largest support system possible.
Regarding the paternity of your grandchild, let’s put that aside for the moment. That can be dealt with later. And whatever the outcome, please remember that your grandchild is innocent in all this. You are still that baby’s grandmother, no matter what. Your grandchild needs you.
The only way out is through.
Taking that first step may feel scary, but I promise it won’t on the other side of this. You only have to go through this once. Take back control over what you can control — your actions.You can do this.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Chrysocolla, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
Artwork by Tess Emily Rodriguez
Dear Erin,
Almost a year ago, I wrote to you about my one-night stand with a co-worker. Your advice and predictions were absolutely spot on.
I found out through a post on Facebook announcing their new marriage(?!)/relationship and addition to the family. To say I was gutted is an understatement, and not because of feelings, but rather, that absolutely awful, sickening feeling of guilt towards her and her child despite him telling me he was single.
I have no idea whether she knows what happened (and while I am someone who would want to know if a partner of mine had cheated on me, I don’t think I’m the right person to tell her, and I certainly don't want to ruin their family). I did not say anything to him about it, instead kept quiet.
A month after that post (and coincidently, the day his child was born), I received a package in the mail at my work address. He had sent me a copy of his new book, alongside a letter saying that he was thinking about me, and wanted to see me again (just as you predicted), no mention of the marriage or the baby. Keeping what you said in mind, I ignored the letter, thanked him politely for the book, congratulated him on his marriage and new child, and then promptly deleted him from Facebook and ended all contact indefinitely.
I went to therapy to help work through my feelings of anger, hurt, and guilt, which has helped immensely, as well as learning to let go of the attachments I had made. It's probably been about ten months or so since we've had any contact.
Since then, I’ve met a wonderful guy that I’ve been seeing for a while now (as you predicted!), and I generally feel more confident, and loved, and just better overall. The problem I’m having is, despite all the above, I still often think about that man. It is certainly not in terms of affection or want or desire as it was last year, and it's certainly not all-encompassing like it was either, but I don’t know why he’s still in my head or under my skin.
I think perhaps a part of me is scared that he'll try and derail my career because I've refused to be some overseas mistress, and that is constantly playing in the back of my mind.
I'm worried that the next time I might have to see him, like at a conference, that all my hard work will be undone.
What more can I do?
Well, I am happy you cut him off and got yourself out of a situation that was bound to end badly. Further, I am thrilled to read that you’ve met a wonderful — and more importantly, available — partner.
Because, to remind you, you fell for a fantasy, not the real person. The real person behind that fantasy was a cheater who lied to you about having a relationship, and a child on the way. He’s a louse — a liar and a cheater. You don’t want that.
What’s unsettling you is the lust that set all your pheromones off when you hooked up. That feeling of someone getting under our skin can be mistakenly there because we had good sex and then it was taken away. Your memory of that hookup is in your body, even if your mind remembers that it was a bad situation. And I get how powerful that can be. I really do. But it’s not grounded in reality.
No good can come of any contact with this guy outside of work. I do not believe that he will try to derail your career. This kind of guy likely has more than one mistress, overseas or not.
Why do you think about him? Because we often get hung up on the ones who almost were, the ones who disappeared, the ones we couldn’t have. Despite how strong that pull can be, remember who he is and who he is not.
As for the next time you see him, remember all of the facts. He lied and cheated. He ghosted you. This would end badly, for all of you.
Don’t go there!I don’t know if the person you’re with now is the one for you.But I am fairly certain your old co-worker is NOT.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Celestite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
Artwork by Tess Emily Rodriguez
Dear Erin,
I recently moved in with my sister — per her request — from another state. I had heard about her boyfriend, who didn’t sound all that great to begin with, and over the holidays I met him.
Christmas Day, after only knowing me about a week, he gave me a $100 gift card secretly because he didn’t want her knowing about it. That night, he sent me a text message saying “sweet dreams.”
I told my sister about it, and they got into a fight, and they broke up. He continued to try to hit me up all the time, despite the fact that I ignored him. He even invited me to move in with him.
And yes my sister knew all about this.
I eventually blocked his number thinking he was a total scumbag. Three months went by, and I thought my sister was doing well and getting over him until she tells me she’s meeting him for dinner!
She said she didn’t know. Of course, I laid into her and told her he was nothing but a scumbag and that she deserves better.
So she went to dinner with him, and when she came home, I inquired if she was going to get back with him. She said she needed to think about it but that she didn’t want to talk about what happened.
I am so livid with her that she has such low self-confidence and esteem that she would consider getting back with the scumbag that tried to pick up on her sister!
I have no desire to hear about him from her from now on.
Ugh, you are in an unfortunate position with this one. It can be painful to watch people we love stay in or return to unhealthy relationships. I have been there.
I have also been your sister, the one returning to a toxic relationship, ignoring the advice and truth coming from my loved ones.
So what can you do?
First, although it sounds like you have already voiced your concerns, set up a time to have a heart-to-heart conversation with your sister about the facts.
The facts are this man has hit on you, lied to her, and has been generally super sketchy.You can emphasize the facts, without adding on your own emotions connected to it.
Rather than evaluating her self-esteem and confidence, focus on statements that reaffirm her good qualities and what she deserves in a partner. Ask her if she would want a partner like him for you, her sister. Chances are, she would not.
I am hoping that she hears you, and if she does, offer her healthy support and encourage her to seek it, as well.
Sometimes, our relationships with the people we are closest with are the most complicated, and that can prevent us from hearing them with clarity. Therapists provide the kind of voice that is not muddied by a long and emotional history.
If she remains unreceptive, you need to determine and then set boundaries you are comfortable with. You can’t force her to see this guy for who he is. You can’t stop her from being with him.
It’s reasonable to set boundaries around having him in your shared living space and discussing their relationship. You can set these boundaries while still letting her know that you love her and will be there for her, but that this is what you are or aren’t comfortable with.
Lastly, if you find that you have difficulty setting boundaries with her, it would help to speak with a therapist yourself. That type of guidance can keep us level-headed when dealing with our closest family members. Best of luck to you!
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent,
what I’m watching,what I’m reading,Aquamarine, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
Artwork by Tess Emily Rodriguez
Hi Erin,
We recently ended the college semester, and things were okay. When we got back to college, he seemed different. He never talked to me. He always found routes to stay out of my way.
All my friends think he's cheating on me. I don't believe them because I know he wouldn't do that to me. I don't know whether I should approach him or just leave things the way they are.
Please help me, Erin.
This is such a common question. I get at least ten emails each week from people (usually women) whose partner is ignoring them.
I don’t think couples need to be attached at the hip. You don’t need to be in constant contact with one another. But, avoidance is a huge red flag.
It’s not surprising to me that you are in college, as what he’s doing is very immature. Sadly, I’ve known men over 40 who’ve done this to partners, too.
Much like Jack Berger breaking up with Carrie via post-it note in that well-known episode of Sex and the City, his actions are cowardly.
He is not acting like a grown-up, or at least a healthy grown-up. His behavior is the worst type of passive-aggression. And the impetus? He’s scared to have whatever uncomfortable conversation he’s anticipating.
Are you smothering him? Did you do something wrong? We can’t know because your boyfriend has not communicated anything with you. And this is far more a reflection of his character than yours.
Turn this around. Instead of asking if he still loves you, if he still wants to be with you — how about figuring out what you want.
I hope not. It’s disrespectful. And even IF you’d done something that upset him or you act a certain way that he doesn’t like, he has not told you this. You are not a mind reader.
What I think you should do is call him and tell him you need to talk.If he doesn’t respond, then let him know that you are ending things.If you do have that face to face conversation, let him know what’s been bothering you.
You don’t need to let him run the show. You can decide what you want and then make a decision accordingly about your relationship.
You won’t know what he is feeling or thinking unless you act him directly. I know it can feel scary to get an answer, because the answer may not be what you want to hear. But I promise you it is far better than being in the dark, in limbo, waiting to see if he comes back around.
You are young. Don’t tie yourself to someone who isn’t mature enough to communicate with you. It’s a million times better to be alone than to be with someone who makes you feel like crap.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Amblygonite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
Artwork by Tess Emily Rodriguez
Hi Erin,
I'm a 23-year-old female, and a few months ago I decided to start dating. I've been raped before, so I had never had much interest in dating anyone. My best friend at the time set me up on Tinder, and I met this nice girl. We really hit it off, and I had her meet my friends.They liked her and thought she was really nice. I met her friends as well, and it all went pretty well. After we had been talking for a month, I went and stayed the weekend with her.
My last night there we were at her friend's house, and I was smoking marijuana. I got extremely high, the highest I've ever been. She drank a beer, but that was it. Later that night we were back at her place (I don't remember much of what happened between leaving her friend's house), and I woke up, kind of, to her having sex with me.
I didn't think no. I didn't think anything. I was so tired I really didn't pay much attention to what was going on. I definitely didn't reciprocate anything though.
The next morning she apologized to me because she said she felt like she had taken advantage of me. I hadn't even had time to understand what happened, but I told her she had nothing to worry about and it was fine.
I've been raped by two men, but I had never been with a woman and didn't think anything like this would happen. I don't feel raped per se, but I do have a lot of emotions about it that I still haven't been able to figure out.
It makes me so upset to think about, but I'm still not sure why. I don't feel like this counts as rape. It wasn't violent, and she didn't drug me. This feels like one of those grey areas, but is it?
I am so very sorry that you went through this, but I am really glad you wrote in and that you are asking this question.
Rape is nonconsensual sex. The legal definition of rape, as defined by The United States Department of Justice is “Penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.”
This woman did not obtain your consent. Being asleep or too high to give consent does not excuse her.
No, this wasn’t violent, and no, she didn’t drug you, but she engaged in sex with you while you were asleep, and that is a violation.
She knows what she did, or she wouldn't acknowledge it with an apology that downplays what occurred. Addressing that with her is a personal decision and one that should be made with consideration to how safe you feel doing so.
I also want to add that as someone who has been raped in the past, this undoubtedly revives that past trauma. No matter the gender of the person who assaulted you, the feelings that settle in your body and mind are the same. And I speak from experience.
I am not sure if you have accessed any help for your past traumas, but regardless, now would be a good time for some guidance. I urge you to seek the help of a therapist and possibly a support group.
Below are a couple of resources that can direct you to further help. If you have any other questions about where to find help in your area, please email me again.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Dioptase, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
Artwork by Tess Emily Rodriguez
Dear Erin,
I have been in a committed relationship for about two years. My boyfriend and I are generally very happy and are planning to move in together in a few months. We've had our ups and downs, like any couple, but we're good for each other and are generally in a good place.
I don't think I've ever been this attracted to anyone. I believe it’s normal and healthy to find people attractive outside your relationship — it's happened before — but this is ridiculous. I haven't been able to keep him off my mind for a good few months. Nothing is going to happen — I'd never cheat on my boyfriend, and the friend has a girlfriend anyway — but I can't stop thinking about him.
I do think the problem is exacerbated by the fact that my boyfriend and I haven't had sex in a few months. He's always had a lower sex drive than me, but we used to have sex at least once or twice a week. This seems to have dried up. Between work and university (we're students) he's always tired, and while he's sweet and affectionate, I feel like I need more. I think part of my attraction to the friend (not all of it — he's legit gorgeous — but some) comes from wanting to feel desired.
My boyfriend is great, and I can live without regular sex if I get to keep him in my life, but I don't know how to get rid of my feelings for the friend. He's a great guy, and I do like him platonically (as do our other friends), so I don't want to just stop spending time with him. I just want to stop thinking about f*cking him every 20 seconds.
Help?
As you mentioned, it is natural to find other people attractive when we are in committed relationships. But the intensity of your attraction for this friend is indicative of some red flags I see here.
You are so young! You are in university and have been in this relationship for two years.
I know some people find the one early on and it works out, but I think they are outliers.
And that discovery often goes far past our early 20s. Maybe part of what’s happening is that you subconsciously recognize this and this attraction is revealing that. And that’s okay. It is not a reflection of what your relationship has been or the feelings you’ve had for your boyfriend. The truth is most relationships won’t last. It can feel scary to acknowledge that you’ve outgrown a relationship, but my instinct here is that this is what’s happening.
Certainly, sex is not the most important aspect of a long-term relationship. BUT, it is pretty damn important. A couple’s sex life can be indicative of how healthy the relationship is. It is very natural that there are ebbs and flows within a relationship, and that includes sex. When there is a distinct difference in sex drive that seems to be more of a pattern, it’s something to consider.
Do you want to be in a long-term relationship with someone whose sex drive is significantly lower than yours? For this to work, there needs to be open communication with your partner about this. Perhaps you can find a way together to work on this.
With these sorts of doubts — and yes I believe this intense attraction is a manifestation of your doubts — it’s not the time to take that next step. What’s the rush?
Don’t act on these impulses — both the impulse to move in with your boyfriend and the impulse to be with the friend. Neither will make anything but a mess. How do I know?Because I have made these mistakes. Both of them. More than once.
If you are determined to make it work with your boyfriend, it would be helpful for you to see a therapist, to work out what you truly feel. Often the mere act of talking it out with someone who is outside of the situation can help with clarity.
In the meantime, you asked how to stop thinking about him all the time. Remind yourself of this…
When we fantasize about someone, they are perfect.In our minds, they are capable of satisfying us, making us feel desired, and the scenarios are always heightened.The reality of being with someone is always different than our fantasy.That’s why fantasies are so enticing!They can be whatever we want them to be.I guarantee you that this girlfriend knows all the little annoying things about him that make him a real person.Try to remember that when your mind wanders to him.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Variscite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
Artwork by Tess Emily Rodriguez
So last year I found out my boyfriend of nine years was having an emotional affair, sending texts to other girls he shouldn’t have, and generally being pretty douchey.
I know, a massive breach of privacy. To try to defend myself — I was really suspicious because he was going out a lot more at night, staying late after work, never leaving his phone out of sight, and was being really cold with me. I tried to talk to him about my suspicions, but he would deny it and walk off. (He later admitted he was walking off so he could delete suspicious texts from other girls.)
Anyway, so I did read his texts with his best mate who I knew he would talk to if anything were going on. In the texts, the friend was joking about the situation and my boyfriend liking other girls, inviting my boyfriend to visit him to meet other girls, talking about them being single together, and even said: “haha imagine if your girlfriend read this.”
I was really hurt because I’d spent a lot of time with this best friend, gone on double dates with him, cooked him dinner, had him stay over at our house. I also have never prevented my boyfriend spending time with him whether its lads weekends away or nights out.
My boyfriend and I have done A LOT of work to repair the relationship, and I now trust him again. But I hate the fact he is still friends with this man because he clearly has no respect for me or our relationship. He hasn’t even asked my boyfriend how things are between us after the shit hit the fan.
I feel for you. It’s a tough situation to have negative feelings about your partner’s best friend.But before I address your question, we need to look a little deeper.
You need to separate your anger towards your boyfriend from your anger towards his best friend.
Of course, it hurts to know that his friend knew this information, cosigned it, and seemingly encouraged it.When I was in a relationship where my partner had cheated, I remember that feeling of finding out who had known.It burns.BUT…
The best friend is not the one who made you feel like you imagined things all of that time.The best friend is not the one who deleted texts and had an emotional affair. Your boyfriend did that.
Although you said that you trust your boyfriend again and you’ve worked together to repair your relationship, I think there’s more work to do. The residual anger you have is being redirected at the best friend. I’m not saying this friend is a great guy, but he didn’t do these things to you.
You also mentioned that the friend hasn’t asked about your relationship — how it’s going.I’m not sure how you know that. I am assuming that he’s told you this.
Here is what I would do: Get real honest with yourself about any residual resentment or trust issues you have with your boyfriend. I am a big believer in clear and direct communication.
I think you need to talk with the best friend — a non-confrontational, but honest talk. It’s okay to tell the friend that it hurt to find out that he knew about the cheating and perhaps encouraged it. But don’t blame him for your boyfriend’s actions.
So if you decide to do that, you have to prepare yourself for how you will feel and what you will do if you don’t get what you want. I think that with a little compromise and a lot of direct, clear, calm communication, you can get to a place where you’ll be a bit more comfortable with him.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Amblygonite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me ataskerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you myAsk Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter.xoxo
Artwork by Tess Emily Rodriguez
Hi Erin,
So this one's a little complicated, and I’m not really sure how to explain it without it sounding insane.
My partner and I have been together on and off since we were teenagers, which is now well over half a decade. I love him, and I think that where we are now, I’m probably going to end up with him permanently. This terrifies me.
He is a very controlling man and tried to split us up last year. This included a personal assassination detailing every aspect of my personality, family and background that makes me not good enough for his son before sending a concluding text message declaring my relationship with his son over and threats if I tried to get back in contact with him.
All of this just resulted in lots of heartbreak and stress, disrupting both of our studies at university, us getting back together and dating in secret for some months, and me now suffering from anxiety.
It all happened a year ago now, and my partner’s family have known we got back together for a number of months. However, I am banned from the family home, and I have had no contact with them since (despite having been good friends with my partner’s sisters before having even met my partner).
My partner and I are now planning on moving in together in the summer when we graduate. I feel like this is really the turning point at which there’s no going back, and I’ll end up married to him, which actually would be something that I think I might want, but I am scared that it will all be a horrible mistake.
I am terrified that his family will decide they want to reconnect and will just expect me to pretend that nothing ever happened and try to influence our lives.
I am scared that I have never really been with many other people in my life or explored much, and that maybe us having to fight to be together has meant us sticking with each other rather than coming to an end on our own and doing other things (how many people end up with the people they dated in school anymore?)
I am scared of the future and how much this nasty relationship with my partner’s father will cause problems going ahead. I don’t know what to do or if moving in together is even a good idea. Any advice you have would be really helpful.
This is a challenging situation. Having a long-term partnership with someone whose family is at odds with you is complicated at best. I can understand your hesitation.
Before (BEFORE) you move in together, I strongly suggest the two of you speak to a therapist about the situation. You are young, you are dealing with familial relationships that sound pretty toxic, and they were probably that way long before you were in the picture.
You didn’t mention how your partner handles this. You are banned from their home. Does your partner see them without you? Has he taken a stand? The two of you need to establish a united position in dealing with his family BEFORE you move in together.
But there’s something else that struck me about your email. You mentioned another fear you have regarding this relationship. You noted how young you are, how you haven’t had much, if any, experience outside of this relationship, and questioned if the fight to stay together is what has kept you together. You’ve hit on something there. You need to evaluate your other very valid concerns about this relationship.
I was young once, too. Relationships when you’re young, particularly when they started in high school and continued into adulthood, can feel like they are meant to last forever.
And that’s okay. That’s normal. The only people who can figure this out are you and your partner. My gut tells me that there lies the issue behind the issue.
First and foremost, I urge you and your partner to speak with a therapist. It’s going to be necessary, if you move forward together, to have some objective guidance, particularly in setting boundaries.
Lastly, please know that his father’s feelings toward you have less to do with you and more to do with his own crap.And that’s family baggage you are not required to take on.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Magnesite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
Artwork by Tess Emily Rodriguez
Erin,
My social and emotional life burned to the ground last year. I'm still trying to piece myself back together. I'm chronically anxious and lonely. I've been exercising and volunteering and journaling to try and get out of my head, but whenever I have a quiet moment all of the fears and insecurities take over.
I left an abusive situation in my early twenties, and I felt good about my new job, my new city, my new life. I made close friends. I started dating someone. I liked my job.
My two closest friends began dating. One of their boyfriends didn't like me, and the other one liked me WAY too much. My friends vanished seemingly overnight. Then the guy I was dating broke things off badly and abruptly not long after.
I'm alone and losing my mind. I've never had a problem meeting new people and making friends, but right now I'm terrified of getting close to anyone. I feel like everyone is eventually just going to up and leave one day without warning and I'll be left to pick up the pieces. (Yes, my childhood was chaos and my mother left and came back and left again more times than I can count. No clue where she is today.)
Or is being an adult just one miserably long process of learning to deal with loss and disappointment and heartbreak?
Life looks very long and very lonely from where I'm standing right now.
– Abandonment Issues
Dear Abandonment Issues,
I want you to know that you are not alone. So many people have experienced similar feelings.The fear of abandonment becomes an integral part of your psyche, causing anxiety and depression.
To answer your questions… Yes, people recover from being abandoned. No, being an adult is not one miserably long process of learning to deal with loss and disappointment and heartbreak. However, I think you need some help to get there.
You didn’t mention therapy or if you had spoken with or been treated by a mental health professional.
Accessing care is going to be your first step. Trying to muscle through this is not the way to heal.
For so long, I avoided or denied that I needed medication, even when I was in therapy. I could have saved myself years if I’d been willing to face my mental health issues.
They can help; they are useful tools. But they may not be the real solution.
I’m not a doctor and can’t diagnose you, but there is the possibility of getting some relief from the anxiety you feel. Maybe that means medication. Maybe that means talk therapy or EMDR. Maybe that means a combination of things. But I cannot stress enough the importance of having the guidance of someone trained to help you with this stuff. The bottom line is you don’t have to do this alone.
Reaching out to me is a significant first step. Please take the next step. If you need help finding a therapist or support group in your area, email me. And please remember this — you are not broken, you are not alone, and you will not feel this way forever.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Bixbite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
Artwork by Tess Emily Rodriguez
To start, I don't have kids so I know I'm on unsteady ground right now.
All of the women in my friend group have had kids in the last few years, including my sister and both my sisters-in-law. My partner and I don't have kids and aren't sure we want kids.
I run my own company ( a real one, not an MLM) and my days can be f*cking bananas sometimes, but I love it. I work from home, and I refuse to put on real pants. I worked really hard for this.
My friends with kids seem to think I'm fair game when it comes to dropping by, calls, texts, Facetime — for blow-by-blow plays about the tiniest details of their day for hours at a time.These conversations always devolve into how easy I have it. One of them even called me just to spend the entire phone call talking to her kid.
I have a blanket text that I send back during work hours: "I'm working right now. Unless this is an emergency, I'll catch up with you later."
My brother's wife texted me yesterday that since I'm "not as busy" as she is that she put me down to do pick up my nephew at daycare because she needs some "down time" (she doesn't have a job). My best friend dumped on me the other day out of nowhere that I'm rude and distant and that I'm ditching her now that she's got a kid. I'm not doing that; I'm putting my energy into building my business — something my friends with kids aren't interested in.
I feel angry and shitty about this, and I don't know how to handle it. I think I've done all the nice boundary-setting I can.
Can I do more?
I can understand why you are so frustrated. I would be too. I have kids, and I have been (I hope) conscious of balancing my mom self with my friend self.
I strive to be present for my friends to the best of my ability.
And it sounds like that’s what your friends and family members are doing. I don’t think they are aware they are doing it.
It can be exhausting and all-consuming to be a new parent. You are adjusting to new roles, and more importantly, an identity you try to make sense of while “on the job.” Recognize that their single-mindedness right now more likely comes from an internal freakout adjusting to parenthood rather than inherent selfishness.
But you can and should address this more directly with them. With each individual, you need to have an individual face to face conversation, or at least a phone call.
Acknowledge how difficult it must be to transition in the new role of parent. Then explain what you are juggling in your life. An essential part of friendship is being able to share where you’re at and how you’re feeling. Say, “When you tell me just to wait until I am up at night with a puking baby… it feels like you’re dismissing me. That feels shitty. I may not understand what you are going through, but I can still sympathize, and I ask that you do the same for me.”
Be direct with your brother and sister-in-law. Maybe there are times you can spend an hour or two with your nephew, because your role as the aunt is important, too! But you have a say in how you spend your time. You can say something like, “I love spending time with X (your nephew). I can’t pick him up from daycare most days but would love to set up a regular aunt date with him on X (whatever day and time and frequency you can commit to).
Regarding your best friend, email or text and ask if you can set up a quick coffee date so you can be face to face, acknowledge the changes in your lives, and come from a place of honesty and compassion while being clear about how it feels on your end.
It is true that as life changes happen, there are natural separations in who you may spend the majority of your time with, based on kids/no kids, work schedules, etc.
But you don’t need to give up on these friendships altogether.I believe that with the right communication method, you can come to a better place of mutual respect and understanding.
If someone, after these attempts, still disregards your boundaries, then it is time to take a break. As those kids grow, your friends will better be able to handle that parent/life balance.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Axinite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
Artwork by Tess Emily Rodriguez
I am a 38-year-old cis woman, in a relationship with a 43-year-old man. He was in a very long term relationship with an abusive partner before we started dating.
It’s been three years now, and I am mostly happy. He’s helpful and supportive and fun, and I’ve never been so secure and into a relationship. He and I both have our “baggage,” and he’s had a tough few years, emotionally and financially. He was diagnosed with ADD later in life, so he has trouble getting his act together. So do I, for my own reasons.
I like when a partner puts some thought and effort (and yes, a tiny bit of money, nothing to break the bank) into special occasions.
I’m the kind of person to squirrel a tiny bit of cash aside to show my partner a nice time when Christmas or birthdays are coming. It just feels good to give and receive and be celebrated. We both grew up in messed up homes, so for me, it’s a little slice of normalcy and comfort to partake in traditions and celebrations. It feels good, and I no longer care if it’s a capitalist ploy or whatever. I am tired of feeling The FOMO.
I’ve explained to him over and over and over that it would mean so much to me just to see a little effort to accommodate my yearning for some festive times with him. He never really comes through, and it really hurts me. But maybe it shouldn’t?
Again, he’s great in so many other ways.
I would love to see him throw some cheap-but-thoughtful present in a dollar store gift bag some year. To me, it’s just part of being in a romantic relationship.
In any relationship, there will be ways in which our partner may disappoint us. What’s important is that you delineate what you can compromise on and what may be a dealbreaker.
I don’t think you are being a brat or asking for unreasonable things.
You wanting or needing to celebrate in these ways is valid.
He may not be a person capable of fulfilling this need. He’s 43, and you’ve been together for over three years. The likelihood of him changing his position or behavior on this issue is slim. If you are going to make this work, you will need to accept these aspects of his personality.
What I suggest is that you try out couple’s counseling with a therapist, at least for the short term. It would be helpful to have the guidance in expressing what you need, how it makes you feel when those needs are not met, and having him communicate more clearly what his resistance is to celebrating with you in these ways.
This is worth exploring as you mentioned at the top of your email: “He’s helpful and supportive and fun, and I’ve never been so secure and into a relationship.” Perhaps you can figure out other ways to express romantic love that works for both of you. If he has a resistance to birthdays and Christmas gift-giving because of some past issues (you mentioned the abusive relationship), maybe he can work on surprising you with thoughtful gifts or gestures unrelated to those specific celebrations that carry the weight of expectation.I also suggest that the two of you come up with your own alternative traditions and celebrations. That could be a made-up holiday, a special night once a month that you incorporate a food and/or activity tradition, or anything else that you can share that you both enjoy and gives you that sense of appreciation and thoughtfulness that you’ve been missing out on with the absence of birthday and Christmas gifts.
All of this said, I do believe you will need to clarify for yourself (preferably with the guidance of a therapist) if you can live without these gifts, if you are fulfilled enough in the relationship to let that go.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes.
If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Anyolite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
I'm immediately remorseful of the action I've committed whether I was under the influence or not. Artwork by Tess Emily Rodriguez
Hello Erin,
My wife and I have been married for almost ten years.
The other night we drank a lot. While sitting on the couch, she asked me to put on some pornography for us to watch. I found something to put on the TV and then things started getting hot and heavy on the couch.
I don't really remember too much between the couch and the bed, vaguely remember turning off the TV. I came to the bedroom with the light still on, and she was naked on the bed. I got naked too and climbed on top of her and made a really stupid decision to try and have anal sex with her.
Upon entering her, she rears up and asks me what the f*ck I am doing. The realization of what she was saying was like being hit with a bucket of cold water in that she was saying that I was raping her.
I'm immediately remorseful of the action I've committed whether I was under the influence or not.
In high school, she had a rape experience where she was drugged and sexually assaulted against her will.
Is what I did the same thing that happened to her in high school?
I've talked with friends and family, and I can't get through to her, so I think the next best option is therapy for both of us.
What's your opinion and how do you think I should move forward?
Thanks.
I appreciate you writing in to ask this question.
So often we think about consent in terms of people we are getting to know. But the consideration (and nuances) of consent don’t go away in a long-term relationship.
And it’s easy to forget that when you’ve grown to be comfortable with someone. But it is still necessary. Why? Because your spouse is a human being, not a robot.
Something she enjoyed yesterday may not feel right today.
One thing that was not clear to me in your email was whether you stopped what you were doing when she responded the way she did. My read on this as that you did, but are nonetheless aware that you shouldn’t have forged ahead into anal sex in sneaky mode. Assuming you did stop, then no, I don’t think that what you did is the same thing that happened to her in high school. But…
How you establish and communicate consent may look different in a marriage than a new relationship, but it is not any less crucial. A baseline model for consent in a relationship is asking your partner if what you are doing feels good for them AND checking in before a jump forward — do you want to have sex/ anal sex/ oral sex/ etc.
Your instinct to seek couple’s therapy is spot on.
I also encourage you to open up the communication with your wife, when she is ready to do so, to talk about what would make her feel safe again sexually, what acts are strictly off the table, and if you need a safe word to use in the heat of the moment if there are things that she may like but not always be up for.
A note about the intoxicated factor… I have a general opinion when it comes to the fallout caused by alcohol or any mind-altering substances. If you behave ways when drunk/high that have negative consequences or are antithetical to who you are as a person, perhaps it’s time to evaluate your relationship with alcohol or substances. Just putting that out there as proverbial food for thought.
Lastly, some homework for you to get started on right now by educating yourself about consent:
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes.
If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Peridot, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
I’m a heterosexual cis woman and had been trying to figure out how I felt about him for a while because it didn’t feel entirely platonic. Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez
Hi Erin,
A few months ago, a trans masc friend with whom I’ve grown very close asked me whether I might be interested in dating. I’m a heterosexual cis woman and had been trying to figure out how I felt about him for a while because it didn’t feel entirely platonic.
There are many practical reasons why that’s a sensible choice, including that he lives in another city. But I kept having doubts about whether I was doing the right thing. We’ve continued to talk about it over the past several weeks and recently decided to start seeing where things go.
I’m curious to see what might happen between us and really relieved to have stopped saying no when that’s not where my heart is. But I’m confused by the fact that I don’t know where this falls on a few vectors that normally line up clearly for me: emotional intimacy, romantic attraction, and physical attraction. I feel very emotionally close to him, possible romantic interest, and uncertain of whether or not I’m physically attracted.
A healthy and strong physical connection in a relationship is really important to me. But to make that more complicated, I have a lot of past sexual trauma and have taken the last six years (!) off from dating to work on being less afraid of men, sex, and physical intimacy.I’ve been working with a great therapist for the last year+ and am making real progress.
He and I have very open communication and have talked about all of these concerns, including my uncertainty around whether or not I’m physically attracted to him. We had a super honest chat about it, and he understands and still wants to test things out. But I’m still so confused! I’m already weird about my own body and am worried I’d be weird about his body too in ways that could be damaging to his sense of self and our friendship.
That’s true in general, but especially in a romantic relationship.
I respect, trust, and am drawn to this person, and am really afraid to be harmful. I know that people inadvertently hurt each other all the time and that it’s part of the risk of getting close to someone. But this feels different. I’m scared of the possibility that a potential rejection might be on the basis of gender, reinforcing dysphoria and just generally feeling shitty to both of us.
(Which: I’m not totally sure whether having a genital preference makes me inherently transphobic??? I don’t feel like it does but received feedback from one friend who implied that. This would all be so much easier if I were queer! But I’m not.)
In addition to talking to him about this, I’ve spoken with my therapist and several friends. But I want to sharply limit the amount of emotional labor I ask of him while I figure this out.
I guess my question is: how do I deal with my fear of being a terrible person to someone I really care about, in order to find out what this could be?
Signed,
In Uncertain Territory
Dear In Uncertain Territory,
I want to start by telling you that it’s clear from your email how thoughtful you have been and continue to be as you explore this possible relationship.
Whether it’s with him or someone else, I applaud you for taking your time, for being considerate, and for working on healing from sexual trauma.
There is no way to know how you will feel about him sexually. I believe that the chemistry will either be there or not, and that has little to do with genitals. We get caught up in thinking about attraction to genitalia, and that’s true to a certain extent. But that physical chemistry we feel comes from our nervous system and brains. We become sexually attracted to people through a combination of — intelligence, humor, personality, pheromones, and, yes, physical attraction.
You feel close to him emotionally, you may have romantic feelings towards him, but you are unsure if the physical attraction is there. The same could be said of you and a cishet man, or any other person, regardless of gender.
I appreciate so greatly that you do not want to cause him harm or pass off additional emotional labor as you work to clarify your feelings. You can do so respectfully by being thoughtful, communicating clearly, and evaluating what you feel for him, separate from hisgender identity.
It sounds like you are doing those things already. Working through this with your therapist is the right move. Your instincts are working, telling you what you need to do to be respectful of both of you.
Now, to directly answer your question: “How do I deal with my fear of being a terrible person to someone I really care about, in order to find out what this could be?”
Do what you’ve been doing. Stay open and honest with him, with your therapist, and with yourself.
He has told you that he’s willing to take the risk. I believe this is worth exploring. If you find that it’s not working for you, or the physical attraction is not there, communicate that. You can do that without making it about his gender.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, turquoise, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
