She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
Q.
Hi Erin,
My ex kept me hanging on for three years. Things were on and off for three years because of his “emotionally unstable” ex. Eventually, I left for good.
Last May, he got back in touch, we got back together, and we became closer than EVER. Except for one thing.
He kept me a secret so she (the “emotionally unstable ex”) wouldn’t find out “until the time was right.”
I then found out that her clothes were still at his place and he wouldn’t take them back to her. He said SHE needed to come and get them.
I found out she was still texting him and telling him she loved him. Instead of ignoring her, he texted her back ( to keep her sweet) 😉. In the end, I lost my temper and kicked off.
We have now split up, and he says it’s because of my rage AND my need always to be right 🤔🤷♀️
Was I right to leave this situation, or has he got a point?
A.
If I had a dollar for every time someone (usually a cishet man) claimed their ex was just “crazy” and they had no idea why they were acting that way…. I would have a lot more $$ in my bank account!
What I’m saying is that your ex was gaslighting you.
It seems he was also gaslighting his “emotionally unstable ex.”
It’s a classic form of manipulation. Of course, he kept you a secret. He wasn’t honest with either of you. I would venture to guess that his ex didn’t know she was indeed an “ex.”
I have been in this situation. I was with someone who had a pattern of doing this. I felt like I was losing my mind. What I perceived was constantly blown off as my “paranoia.” When I’d get upset, he’d back away, pointing out that the problem was me; I was “crazy.”
Spoiler alert. I was not “crazy.” I caught him, quite literally, and he still tried to manipulate the situation, deflecting the blame on me—because I was “unstable,” because I was a “junkie,” and on and on.
Was I unstable? YES. Was I a heroin addict who kept relapsing? Also, YES. But that is irrelevant.
Pitting your rage and “need to be right” (AKA your reaction) against his shady-ass behavior is a logical fallacy, a false equivalence.
The relationship's demise is not a result of your temper; it’s a result of his lying (and cheating).
Because even if he no longer had a physical relationship with this ex. He was still emotionally entangled with her, to the point that he hid your relationship and kept that connection going with her.
Of course, he’s pointing the blame at you. This is 100% in line with his character. The good news is that this relationship is DONE.
All of this long-windedness on my part to say that his point is irrelevant; you were right to leave.
And this time I hope you stay gone.
My one little addendum is this: if you do have true concern over your temper and/or ability to regulate your emotions, speak with a therapist and work on some tools. BUT, with this guy, you were right to be angry.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Chalcopyrite, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.
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*Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez