She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
Q.
Hi Erin,
I am dreading the holidays.
This will be my first sober Christmas, and I’m terrified.
I’m a 32-year-old single female alcoholic and addict. I think I’m dreading Christmas for a few reasons. Last year, I got a DWI right before Christmas, and because of money and humiliation (and covid), I didn’t fly home for Christmas. My family knows about the DWI, and they know I went to rehab this summer.
They have been supportive, for the most part, but I haven’t seen them since going to rehab, and the last time I did see them, it was awkward. I have a lot of anxiety around seeing extended family more than my immediate family.
I don’t want to have to explain myself or talk about it with them. I am just not ready.
Also, my family is a big wine family, and I know it will be weird to be the only adult not imbibing.
Where I live, I have a pretty good support system. I am scared about being away and feeling alone. It’s also my first Christmas with the family since breaking up with my boyfriend of four years.
Do you think it’s a bad idea for me to go?
I don’t know if I should come up with an excuse or just suck it up. I love them and miss them, but it’s giving me so much anxiety.
A.
In normal times (whatever that means), my answer would be it’s okay to stay where your support system is. However, in Omicron times, my answer is you should definitely remain where your support system is.
The holidays present a trifecta of issues for everyone. First, your routine is disrupted. Old family dynamics can be a significant cause of stress. Then there’s the excess imbibing to be found at holiday parties. Add newish recovery into the mix, and things feel even more tenuous.
Families and the holidays are major triggers, especially in early sobriety; opting out is self-care.
It’s the type of self-care that you need to put first.
With the new covid surge, you have a built-in excuse. Now, I am 100% here for learning to set healthy boundaries with family members, boundaries like: “It’s a stressful time of year for me, and I need to put my sobriety and health first.” But I understand you may not be ready to do that. Well, the one gift covid has given is a reason, at the ready, to pass on family holidays this year.
Stay home and find a later date to visit your family when you can spend less stressful time with them, time that doesn’t involve everyone all together at once, drinking.
You may even find that this is a better holiday tradition for you. Seeing people at the holidays is not the same as getting to see them when everything is less heightened. Everyone is likely to get more out of this type of visit.
My favorite type of holiday is spent in the lowest key way possible—some food, a movie, maybe a jigsaw puzzle, or a walk. Let it be a day for YOU. You can still celebrate with people before or after the big day.
Most importantly—and this goes for anyone in recovery who finds the holidays triggering—is to have plans (and backup plans) in place.
Have a list of at least a couple of folks you can call or text if you need immediate support.
Get some rapid tests to have on hand for safe socializing. (I know this is tricky right now, but they can be found, and many cities are giving them out for free.) Plan a coffee and walk. A masked indoor movie. Bagels on a park bench. Whatever you feel comfortable with. There are many ways to socialize safely.
Plan out when you’re going to meetings (if you attend recovery meetings) and put them in your calendar. Also, set some extra possible meetings in your calendar, the ones you might need if things start to feel shaky. Online or in person, many 12-step and other groups have 24-hour marathon meetings during major holidays like Christmas.
Find ways to get out of your head through volunteering or being of service. There are so many ways to do this, big and small, and they all make a difference. Whether that means going to help make or distribute meals, dropping off cookies for your older neighbor who lives alone. If you’re stuck on what to do, message me. In a quick search, I found several organizations that have urgent requests for help on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, including Citymeals on Wheels. (*Note that you must be fully vaccinated, which I hope you are.)
Make a self-care routine for the holidays. Put it in your calendar: walks, facials, mediation, an online yoga class. You deserve the care.
Stay where your support is, put yourself and your sobriety first, and please don’t feel guilty about this. Even if your family is disappointed, I promise you that they would rather have a healthy, alive daughter. XOXO
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Vesuvianite, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.
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*Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez