How Do You Deal With A Breakup When You Both Have Mental Illness?

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

suicidal thoughts

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Hi Erin,

I’ve just come out of an eight-month relationship with a man I adored, who said he was too depressed and "broken" to return my love. 

I'm kicking myself because I saw it coming for months but didn't want to abandon him, although part of me wanted to explore lighter, healthier relationship options. I'm also worried about him cutting me off in crisis mode — he’s a suicide survivor who is in the process of moving to a homeless shelter.

I was also mentally unwell, but I did everything to make us work and support him. The breakup's triggered my latent suicidal thoughts too. After housing problems, a car accident, and friend breakups in recent years, life seems too cruel to even try to cope with. 

How can I know either, let alone both of us, will be okay?

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A.

Breakups can be a challenging time for anyone. For someone with mental health issues, it can be even more so. This is why it’s imperative to recognize this and take any necessary steps to ensure you have the proper support, both personally and professionally. 

Let’s start with you. First, if you are having suicidal thoughts, PLEASE reach out for immediate help — be that to your doctor or therapist, a trusted loved one, or a crisis help center such as Lifeline. 

I know this is easier said than done when you are in the thick of those suffocating feelings. 

One thing I recommend (and I know from experience as I’ve struggled with depression and suicidal ideation my whole life) is making a checklist for yourself when you’re feeling stable. 

Make a checklist of actions to take, people to reach out to, and general self-care reminders (drink water, eat, get outside). These seemingly simple actions can elude us when we are in the midst of deep depression. The tasks may still seem impossible, but having those reminders that you’ve laid out for yourself ahead of time can be lifesaving. 

Likewise, I think it’s important to have a few people who know your situation and can be trusted to reach out to you when you’re slipping.

Sometimes, it can be inconceivable to reach out when we need help. Having a few people who know to check in on us is invaluable.

I cannot stress enough that your responsibility right now is taking care of your own mental health. 

I completely understand why you are worried about your ex. He needs help. But you can’t be the one to save him. One thing you can do is reach out (email is often easiest) to one of his friends or family members to let them know what you know about his mental state. And then you have to let it be. As much as you may want to save him, you’re not the one right now that can do that. 

My sincerest hope is that your ex gets the help he needs. I know that feeling of being too broken to give or receive love. It is an utterly painful place to be. 

Likewise, I hope that you do what you can to take care of your mental health. This is the time to lean on the who can be of support, to make the time for self-care, to prioritize your wellbeing. 

**If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide, please, please, please reach out.There are people who care about you. The Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available online and by phone 24 hours a day, seven days a week. 1-800-273-8255. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m listening to, what I’m reading, Atacamite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at  askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

Is My Boyfriend Going To Leave Me Because Of My Mental Health Issues?

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Hey Erin, 

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost four years now. We started dating in high school, and for the most part, things are great. 

I've got a lot of mental health issues because of my abusive childhood, and he has been nothing but supportive for our entire relationship. Lately, though, it seems like he's been getting more and more frustrated with me when I get upset at something or react badly to something completely benign. 

He hasn't said he's tired of my problems, and he's promised me many times that he wants to be with me no matter what, but I can't help but worry that one of these days I'll have a meltdown about something trivial and he'll be done. I'm going to be getting therapy once I have medical insurance, and I know that a lot of his complaints are legitimate. 

I just can't shake this feeling that he's going to leave me and find someone who makes him happy without being insane.

Thanks for any advice you can give.

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A.

I have been there. In every relationship I’ve had, including early on with my husband, I lived in fear of being discovered — that discovery being my mental health issues. I struggled with and ran from my depression for so long, and it resulted in all sorts of dysfunctional behavior.I pushed people away, acted out, and had a hard time controlling my impulses. What I didn’t consider that you should consider…

Take what he’s telling you at face value. 

Your boyfriend has said that he wants to make things work. You need to believe him. I have been on both sides of this in a relationship, and it is incredibly frustrating when your partner refuses to take your words at face value, assigning hidden messages to them. 

It can push people away when you constantly doubt what they say. Trust is the foundation of every healthy relationship, romantic and otherwise. 

We have no control over what someone else may or may not decide to do. 

I, like you, spent so much time worrying about losing people that I often ended up pushing them away.

Ultimately, you have no control over what he does.However, you do have control over what you do.This is why making your mental health a priority is imperative.

Our mental illness is not our fault, but it is our responsibility. 

This is something Ravishly’s EIC has often said, and I wholeheartedly agree. For the partner of someone who has a mental illness, it can be frustrating, to say the least. I am glad to hear you are getting some help when your insurance kicks in. You owe it to yourself; taking care of ones’ mental health is the ultimate in self-care and self-love. And, bonus, it benefits your relationships. 

All that said, if you find he uses your mental health issues against you or holds grudges over instances when you’ve acted out, those are red flags going forward. 

Take care of your mental health, FOR YOU. Give your partner the benefit of confidence in what he says, unless he shows you otherwise. Keep the communication with him open — you should know how he is feeling in the relationship and vice-versa. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, Hiddenite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo

I'm Afraid I Am Frigid

This column first appeared on Ravishly.

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

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Q.

Erin,

Is it possible to enjoy sex again?

I’m afraid that I might be frigid.

I’m not yet 30, but my sex life is basically non-existent.I had one partner, during my sophomore year of college, with whom I had frequent, amazing sex with over the course of our brief relationship, but after he abruptly left me, I fell into a major depressive episode (not my first one), and my sex drive all but disappeared. 

I have been in and out of therapy, and on and off of meds, ever since, but nothing ever really helps. My mental health always ends up worse than it was before, and I still have no libido.

I have gone on to have other relationships, and some one-night stands, but the sex has only ever been awkward at best and extremely painful at worst.

I’ve spent the better part of a decade making excuses and convincing myself that things with the next guy would be better, but it never happened that way. I recently went over two years without having sex at all, because it seemed so not worth it to continue trying to pursue anything romantic or sexual with anyone (especially after having gone through the worst breakup and worst resulting depression yet). 

When I started dating again recently, I was hoping that I could finally figure things out, but I still don’t find the sex to be at all pleasurable unless there is a toy involved.

I’ve tried talking to doctors about it, only to be told that the fact that I can tolerate a pelvic exam and can technically have an orgasm means that there must not be anything wrong, so I just need to “relax.” I am also not currently on any medication, so that can’t be the problem, either. 

It’s gotten to the point where I sincerely believe that it just isn’t physically possible to enjoy sex and that the experience I had with my first boyfriend was just some fluke of my (now long-gone) teenage hormones. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised at this point if someone told me that no one else actually likes it either, and it’s just this ruse we’ve all been keeping up because we’re all too ashamed to admit otherwise.

I just don’t know where to turn.

I feel like I’m defective and like every man I’ve been with has realized this and been disappointed by me.

I’m not currently in a relationship (and unlikely to ever be in one again), so I guess it shouldn’t really be a problem, but it still bothers me. 

What can I even do?

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A.

I hate that doctor for telling you that you just need to relax. Relaxing is a) not always easy if you have anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues and b) is not the answer to all medical problems. 

Many people, of all genders, struggle with their sex drive or lack thereof. And the reasons for that can be physical, psychological, emotional, or a combination. 

Do I think that there is likely an emotional component here? Yes. Do I think that you will have enjoyable sex again? Also, yes. 

Since this has been an ongoing problem, I would first consult an endocrinologist. I am not a doctor, but I have known several people who have had thyroid conditions that were causing libido issues. It seems like a good place to start. And an ob-gyn is not as good at solving the mystery of hormones as an endocrinologist is. 

Now, the depression factor. Just because you are not on medication does not mean that your depression is not affecting your libido. You don’t exactly say where things stand with your depression, other than you are not on medication. If you are still struggling with depression, I’d make treating it a priority. In my experience, my mental wellness has always been at the root of my satisfaction in all areas of life at any given moment. 

There was something that you said in your email that stuck out to me: "I still don’t find the sex to be at all pleasurable unless there is a toy involved.” 

This is key. You are finding pleasure when there is a toy involved. I would try an experiment.Commit to pleasuring yourself at least every other day for let’s say a month. 

Take the pressure of sex off the table and focus on pleasuring yourself.

Explore the things that feel good, try out some new toys, read some erotica or watch some pornography (if that feels right for you).

The point is to allow yourself to explore getting sexual without the pressure of another person there.

Also, make a commitment to engage in some sort of endorphin giving activity three times a week  — a brisk walk or run, swimming, yoga, dancing, any physical activity that will get your heart rate up and release those much-needed endorphins. I know for myself that the more I do in the endorphin area, the more motivated I am to do the things that release endorphins.That includes all these types of activities… and sex. 

A couple of other avenues to consider are alternative therapies — like acupuncture, reiki, meditation — or medications made specifically to target low libido. 

I am confident that you will be able to do so. Don’t put the pressure on yourself to make it happen with a partner right now. Allow yourself some space to get into a groove with taking care of business yourself. And, I would double check hormone levels with an endocrinologist, just to rule that out. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I'm not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I've gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, what I’m listening to,what I’m reading, Ametrine, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me ataskerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo