She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
Q.
Hi Erin,
I’m a 27-year-old woman, engaged to my partner (who is 35) of three years. I’m his first long-term relationship. We live together in an expensive city where rent is very steep.
We’re due to get married in a year, but after a breakdown and a very difficult stage in the relationship, where my needs weren’t being met, I had to do a lot of self-discovery.
I realized I’m not actually bisexual, as I thought I was. I’m a lesbian.
I think it took me so long to realize because, after sexual abuse from an early age, sex with men was just something I felt I had to do. I’ve spoken to some friends, who are all incredibly supportive. But I’m terrified to take the next step.
I’m scared to cancel the wedding and tell my family and let his family down, but I’m also scared to live the rest of my life feeling as unfulfilled as I do now.
I’m currently saving up so I can at least have a safety net in case anything goes very wrong, but I’m just so overwhelmed by everything I need to. I don’t know how to start or even narrow down the first step. I don’t know how to call off a wedding and not be a terrible person for doing that. But at the same time, my partner doesn’t deserve to be lied to, and I don’t want to string him along for any longer than I need to.
I’m currently waiting for an appointment with a therapist, which will be helpful when it happens, but it’s been a long wait already. So I’m just really struggling to navigate this after feeling like I should have figured it out by now.
How do I come out at this stage?
A.
This is not easy, what you’re going through. I understand how scary the future must feel right now because, with this type of shift, it can feel like you’re stepping off a cliff, and you don’t know when your feet will meet the ground.
Coming out is a process.
I don’t have personal experience in coming out, but I have been there as friends did—in high school, young adulthood, and middle-age. Each age range presents its challenges. The good news is that you can do this one step at a time.
The even better news is that you are already in the process of doing it! You’ve looked inside and become clear with yourself about who you are. You’ve confided in supportive friends.
I think it’s smart that you’re saving up, but I’d also line up a temporary housing option. Is there a friend you can stay with? Or a family member? Because I don’t think you should delay this.
The next step is breaking off the engagement, and the person who should know first is your fiancé.
As scary as this is, the longer you delay it, the harder it will be, on all of you. I would write out what you want to say to him. Sit with it for a day or two, adjust anything you need to, so you have an internal “script” to recall when nerves take over.
One thing I do have experience with is telling people difficult truths, truths about myself. And invariably, the anticipation was always worse than getting the truth out there.
You only need to say what you feel comfortable disclosing. I think it’s kinder, to be honest with him. Regardless of the reason, breaking off a wedding because you know in your heart it’s not the right thing for you, while painful to hear, is not untrue and is not unkind. It’s far worse to get married and go through this, years into a marriage.
It is a gift and kindness to set someone free from an illusion.
As you said, you don’t want to prolong things for him. And you don’t deserve that either.
You mentioned that you were waiting for your appointment with a therapist, which is fantastic. I hope that it helps. Having that objective outside guidance is priceless when navigating major life shifts.
I know you are concerned about what your family and his family will think. But, you don’t have to tell them anything you are not comfortable disclosing. And if they are unsatisfied with your reasons for canceling the wedding, well, then that’s their problem. Of course, you don’t want to upset or disappoint them, but unfortunately, it is unavoidable. We can’t live a lie to please others. No one benefits from this. And play it out.
They might think you are a terrible person—you have no control over that—but that is not the truth.
You are not a terrible person. You are a human who has discovered who she truly is and wants to live in that truth.
When I decided to be completely transparent about my past with heroin addiction and mental illness, I had to accept that some people might judge me or think less of me. Of course, there may be people who do that with you. But that says something about their character, not yours.
I have friends who lost family members when they came out. And it was painful. But it was less painful than staying closeted. I hope that your family is compassionate and loving through this process. If, for some reason, they are not, do not go to them for support. Lean on your friends who love you and utilize therapy.
We are all continually figuring out life as it goes.
Anyone who says they have everything figured out is a liar. So there is no by now. You are figuring out your next steps as your life unfolds, and you will continue to do so in big and small ways for the rest of your life. That’s okay.
You are not alone. You are on the precipice of life beginning again. And that’s a beautiful thing.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Chalcopyrite, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.
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