She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
Q.
Hi Erin,
I’m in love with a man at work who does not know that I adore him.
Finally, after working closely together for a couple of years, I started to develop a crush on him. At first, it seemed like a silly crush, but now I know I am in love with him.
We have so much in common, and he makes me laugh. Nothing has happened between us or anything. We just act normal and work together, but I see small, subtle signs that he may love me too.
My dilemma is that I didn’t know that he had a fiancé until recently.
It came up in conversation. I assumed he was single like me. Since then, I have been careful not to flirt or be around him too often out of respect for his fiancé.
Now, I am changing jobs by being transferred to work at another school. He says that he’s going to miss me.
Should I tell him that I love him, even though there is a big possibility we will never see each other again?
It’s killing me inside how much I love him, but I feel like I have to take it to my grave. It’s not fair.
A.
Setting aside the disrespecting-the-fiancé-factor, you first need to ask yourself: what purpose will this serve? Is it that you will feel relieved not holding it inside anymore? Is it that there’s an outcome you’re expecting or hoping for?
With situations like this, I always urge folks to be honest with themselves about whether or not they can handle the response, whatever that may be.
Play the scenario out here. Although people are often hesitant to admit it, your fantasy likely is that he will say he feels the same way, he’ll leave his fiancé, and you’ll be together.
The urgency now is brought on by the fact that you’re leaving. The now-or-never vibes can be very motivating. However, you have had a couple of years here. I know movies make it seem like people exist like this, in a state of mutual unrequited love for years, and when they finally admit their feelings, they live happily ever after. But that’s on-screen, in a fictional story. And I want to draw your attention to something.
It’s very easy to confuse infatuation with love when the relationship remains in the fantasy world.
Do you know him well enough to know that you love him? This is not to discount your feelings or how this guy may very well have been reciprocating the crush. But, people seem perfect, seem like just what we want and need when we’re not actually in a relationship with them. You don’t know if he would seem so charming and funny if you were having sex with him or you were his partner.
Further, it’s so easy to fill in the blanks and project qualities onto someone when things remain in crush-land. That’s why crushes can be so fun (and also torturous) because they can mean whatever we want them to mean. Has he been giving you signs he loves you too? Impossible for me to answer this, but he has a fiancé.
Looking at the facts of this situation—you’re leaving the job (and it sounds like moving away?), and he has a fiancé (who he neglected to mention for A COUPLE OF YEARS)—I say let this one go.
I know you think you’re in love with him. I know he says he will miss you. But I just don’t believe you’re going to get the response you want here. And, if you do, well, then he’s been real shady about his single status, and you deserve more than that. You deserve better than that.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Cryolite or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.
Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called Strung Out: A Memoir of Overcoming Addiction, and it’s on sale now! Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO
*Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez