Navigating The Tricky Waters Of A Separation

In last week's Ask Erin, a woman wrote in to ask if her marriage is really over or if she should keep fighting for it. Separations are tricky territory, especially when there are children involved. 

An important thing to remember is that a separation is not the same as a divorce. A separation gives you breathing room to figure out what each of you want and need, and to assess if your marriage can be salvaged. 

Whenever someone is going through any sort of breakup or separation, I encourage them to take the focus off of the other person and onto themselves. 

You can read the question (and my answer) in its entirety HERE on Ravishly. 

If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, recovery, friendship, sex, consent, what I’m watching, Rose Quartz, or anything at all, use the contact form or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. xoxo

"Am I The Problem In Our Relationship?"

Trust is mercurial after infidelity. 

Artwork by Tess Emily Rodriguez 

Regaining trust after infidelity can be challenging. A woman wrote in wondering if she was the problem in her relationship, as she couldn't get over her boyfriend cheating on her. While it sounds like the cheating was long done, there were many red flags in her question. To me, her boyfriend's behavior smacks of gaslighting. 

You can read the question and my answer HERE. Let me know what you think!

I Never Thought Someone Would Ask Me This: Am I A Rapist?

In the wake of the #MeToo movement, I have received countless emails and messages from people (mostly women) who wonder if what happened to them was rape or sexual assault. People are hurting, processing, looking to feel validated, after years and years of experiencing a loss of agency over their bodies and sexuality. 

This was the first question I'd received from a man who was questioning and agonizing over his past behavior. This man is not a monster. He could be any guy raised in a world that hasn't allowed for real talk about consent and boundaries and communication during sex. 

This question gave me hope. Because this kind of introspection is what will lead to real change in people. We need men to be a part of the conversation. 

You can read the question and my answer HERE. Please let me know what you think. Let's keep the conversation going. 

When Your Partner Asks For Space

Has anyone ever asked you for space in your relationship? 

Artwork by Tess Emily Rodriguez

In this Ask Erin, a reader wrote in to ask how much space she should give her boyfriend. I often get variations of this question — one partner is backing away within the relationship, needing space. This usually leaves the other partner feeling insecure, understandably so. 

The thing is, there is generally a communication problem at the heart of this. Both people need to do a bit more listening and a lot more of being clear about what they each want and need. 

You can read the whole question and answer HERE on Ravishly. 

"Is My Gambling Addict Partner Gambling My Life Away?"

Have you ever been in a relationship with an addict? 

Artwork by Tess Emily Rodriguez

A reader wrote in: 

Hello Erin,

I feel stuck & don't know what to do.

My partner and I have been together three years, and about six months ago he dropped a major bomb on me.

He told me he has a gambling addiction and had been gambling in secret for the past year or two, and had racked up approximately $25,000 in debt. He ended up telling me because I was confused & frustrated about our finances and kept pushing to keep track so that we could get ahead. 

I felt shocked & furious to hear his confession. This means he has been skimming money off his paycheck before he put it in our joint account, using secret credit cards for cash advances, and telling me we've got to be careful with our spending on things like groceries.

That's lying/withholding every day for years!

I completely trusted him & thought he was an honest guy and would have never doubted him before this. He told me he kept going because he just wanted to win enough to go on our world trip that we have planned.

Over our three years, we've enjoyed a good relationship. We enjoy each other's company, share the same life goals, and I honestly haven't ever felt this way about someone. I have walked away from relationships for much less before… I don't want to walk away from this, but don't want to be a fool.

The past year, he had been under major stress in a job he hated (which he quit mid-year), had taken up casual smoking, and our relationship was really, really, really suffering from a disconnect. Around the time he quit the job, but before he told me about the gambling, he saw a therapist about twice & they gauged he was mostly stressed, followed by mildly anxious and a little depressed. Honestly, I feel like he's been a bit down for years now (before I met him) but I keep thinking there is a healthy, on track, anxiety-free him. 

Is that foolish?

After he told me about the gambling, our relationship got so much better. He had been a shell, and he was finally coming back to life. The secret had been killing him. I told him he needed to get his life on track. Stop gambling immediately, get a better job, pay off all the debt himself, start exercising again, stop smoking, and part of the deal was he must go speak to someone. I said I wanted him to do all this by the end of the year as I can't live in this half-life state. 

He's stopped gambling and started paying off the debt, but that's about it. He has another job, but it's very basic. He joined the gym again but only went twice. I wish he would understand it's very important for me to see him better himself. All the things I've asked him to do are things he's expressed he wants to do… but just can't seem to bring himself to do.

Oh and one thing I realized about him is his history of mooching (money and help) from parents, friends, and ex-partners. I called him out on it, and he hadn't seen it like that before. I myself had been the same about mooching until I was woken up to it about four years ago.

Also, I know what it's like to fuck up. In the past, I cheated on an ex and lied about it for months before I came clean. Apart from devastating my ex, I completely gutted my trust in myself, and it took a long, long time to rebuild. I would never do that kind of damage again. So that's another reason why I've been willing to work with my partner on this.

He is a very sweet guy who adores me, and we get on so well. He is supportive & kind, but I am terrified he won't do anything about his situation and just continue to go backward his whole life and drag me down with him. I'm afraid this issue will crop up again in scenarios like our future daughter won't be able to go to camp because Dad gambled the money saved for it etc. I'm 28 and can't afford to waste my time in the wrong situation as we plan to have kids in two years.

I don't want to leave him, but I have a certain expectation of my life, and it's going to be a good one. My parents worked hard to give me a good life, and I don't want to let it go to seed.

Please, what should I do?

***

Recovery from any addiction is a process. 

One does not snap their fingers, stop the addiction, and resume life as normal. His brain is not wired the same way as yours. Addiction is bigger than just f*cking up. 

You can read the rest of my answer HERE and let me know what you think!

Navigating The Tricky Waters Of Office Romance

Have you ever had a crush on someone you worked with? 

Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez 

What about a work spouse? You know the one one you lean on like you would a romantic partner, without the actual romantic part. In my latest Ask Erin column, a woman wrote in who was struggling with whether or not to tell her office crush that she has feelings for him. Oh, and the added complication: he has a girlfriend. 

You can read what I advised her HERE. Let me know what you think! 

ALSO, I am thrilled to announce that Ms. Tess Emily Rodriguez will be illustrating all of my Ask Erin columns. YAY!!!