She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin, 

I came across your page while looking for advice. 

So my partner and I agreed on which “liked pictures” on social media are disrespectful (half-naked, booty poses, silhouette challenges, twerking videos, etc.). He agreed with me and stated that he feels that it would be disrespectful if I liked similar things coming from a male's social media. We're gonna call those kinds of pictures "donuts.”

I used to be fine and very secure. However, once I found that my boyfriend liked pictures of females that we had already discussed were disrespectful, I began to become hyper-vigilant & stalker-like. 

Not that I believed I was ugly or inadequate, but when I found out he liked those donut pictures, I wondered if that was what he really wanted. In the past, when I found out that he liked those donut pictures, he either would get upset that I said something about it, or he would lie about it (out of the so-called fear of shaming himself for doing something that hurt me). 

Besides that, the relationship was fine, but now I just can't stop stalking his social media. Sometimes, I go through our mutual friends' likes to see if he commented with a heart eyes emoji, or I check to see who he recently followed and see if he comments on or likes their donut pics. 

Recently, he lied right to my face about something he was watching (turned out to be a twerking video), and when I found out, my addiction to stalking just got worse. Since I had bad experiences from when he did this in the past, I now have a cynical attitude about this area. 

I have become hyper-vigilant and observant to make sure that I can control that he does not do it. 

What do I do? 

How do I stop stalking?

A.

There are two parts to your situation. The first is that your boyfriend continues to do something that you have told him hurts your feelings. The second is your behavior—the social media stalking and need to control—which makes you feel worse. 

Let’s look at his part first. You were pretty clear about what you felt comfortable with regarding his social media activity. He agreed to it and then did it anyway. Repeatedly. 

What’s concerning to me is not that he liked some posts on Instagram, but that he made an agreement that it seems he never intended to keep.

That’s the red flag for me. Even if his behavior has been cultivated out of a desire to avoid an argument, it’s an issue. If he wants to look at, like, comment on what he wants to, well, then cool. But he should be clear about that. 

My initial response when I read this was that you’re overreacting, that it’s not a big deal if he watches twerking videos or likes photos of women on Instagram. There’s a HUGE difference between observing and “liking” compared to sliding into DMs, cheating, etc. But then I realized that it’s irrelevant if I think it should be a non-issue. It does matter that it’s an issue for you, and you have been clear about it. But that doesn’t mean you have no part in this. 

You can’t control him. You can’t control what he looks at or what he wants to look at. Do I think it’s a big deal? No, not really. Do I think this points to a more significant issue in your relationship? Yes. 

No amount of hypervigilance is going to give you the security you’re looking for here. 

No good can come of you having to be on high alert, monitoring his digital moves. As I said, you cannot control him. The only thing you can take control of is your behavior. One thing that may help you do that is consulting a therapist. I think you would benefit greatly from talk therapy and CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) to help break the pattern. 

Maybe his behavior is triggering an old issue. Maybe his behavior IS indicative of deeper sketchiness. But you can’t sort that out until you take care of this compulsive cycle you’re in of checking on him constantly. It’s going to push deeper into that spiral. Imagine how this emotional energy could be directed elsewhere, toward your goals, toward things that make you feel good, not sad and paranoid. 

Part of what makes for a successful relationship is an alignment of values. 

The two of you do not see eye to eye on what entails appropriate social media behavior when in a committed relationship. Either one of you twisting yourself into a pretzel to make this work is going to be exhausting and ultimately futile. And further, without trust, your relationship is going to run in circles, unable to move forward. Start with sorting out your side of the street and decide if this is someone you even want to be in a relationship with.

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Bustamite, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

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*Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez