She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi.

I fell for my roommate’s wife. 

She feels the same but is scared to leave him.

I moved in with an old coworker and his wife. Long story short, things happened, and we have both fallen for each other. 

There are a ton of issues between them (and I’m guessing they're trying to work on it). It was a young marriage, as we are all 23. I fulfill the basic needs of a husband. Meanwhile, I'm the roommate. She is going through college, and it's too much pressure, so she just wants to see how things go in life before making decisions. 

What do I do in my situation?

A.

Ahh, you are all so young! Now, I know some 23-year-olds are responsible and mature, but I think they’re rare.

I was engaged at 23—a HUGE mistake. We didn’t go through with it, mainly because he found out I was using heroin. I went to rehab, broke things off, and spared him from years of misery with me. But I digress. 

Blurry boundaries are the root of the problem here. 

Twenty-three is young to be married. It’s also an age when boundaries can be tenuous. That sounds like what’s happening here. The three of you are living together. The boundaries between friendship and more than friendship are not clear. 

As you mentioned, you are fulfilling that partnership role in her life, even though she already has a husband. I’m not sure if that includes sex, but I believe that’s what you intimated in your email. 

Despite what the two of you may feel for one another, she is unwilling to make a decision right now. She’s scared because she is young, and this is a messy situation that is challenging to navigate at any age, let alone why you’re still in college and barely an adult. 

So what should you do? Walk away. Walk away from this affair. Walk away from living there. 

I know that may be easier said than done, but this can’t continue. NO ONE is benefiting here, even if it may feel like it at the moment. If what you want is a chance at a real relationship with her—one that exists outside of the fantasy world an affair offers— you’re going to have to step aside and wait. Wait for her to end things with her husband and break away cleanly. I know it may feel like you can’t wait, but you can. 

The most honest thing she’s told you is that she feels pressured and wants to see how things play out. 

She doesn’t want to make a decision right now. Listen to that. 

You’re not going to get what you’re looking for here, not now. The good news is you are so young! I know that letting go of her, this person you’ve fallen for, feels impossible, but that will change. 

By walking away, you are either going to ultimately get what you want when she is disentangled from the marriage, OR you will realize that it wasn’t what you thought it was and move on to finding love with someone available. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Pink Tourmaline, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

Did you know I wrote a book about my 15-year struggle with heroin addiction? It’s called Strung Out: A Memoir of Overcoming Addiction, and it’s on sale now! Lastly, I’m so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my newsletter, which contains a behind-the-scenes look at STRUNG OUT and the publishing process, exclusive extras and book giveaways only for newsletter subscribers, recommendations to get you through the week, extra Ask Erin content, and more… XOXO 

*Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez