Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez
She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
Q.
Erin,
I am confused about my friend.
My best friend is a guy who's engaged. He deeply loves his fiancée and I completely respect that.
The thing is, he used to ask me to stay on the phone with him until he fell asleep. Then, things escalated to staying on the phone together all night while sleeping, waking up in the middle to casually talk, then falling asleep again. Recently, he told me we have to stop doing that because he feels like he's cheating on his fiancée. And we stopped.
He also casually mentions how he can’t wait to talk to me and that he's attached to me "in a friendly way.” He always tells me that he loves me and that I'm beautiful. Again, he’s always making sure that I know he's not meaning it as a romantic interest.
From my end, I love talking to him so much. He's the first one I want to talk to when anything happens to me and I enjoy everything we do together. I do love him sincerely.
My question is: Do I love him as more than a friend?
Am I in love with him? Or am I just being paranoid ? How can I differentiate between love and being in love?
A.
One thing I have discovered in my 11 years as an advice columnist is that falling in love with one’s best friend is very, very common! I get emails like this all the time. You do, however, bring up a very good question.
When it comes to friendships, how do we differentiate between platonic love and romantic love?
The simplest answer is that romantic love includes the desire to be physically intimate with someone. (That said, I recognize that there is a spectrum of sexuality and this may vary for people.) I have friends of all genders who I’ve had deep platonic love for, but that didn’t include thoughts of making out with them or being excited by the thought of their hand brushing against my arm. Frequently, in friendships, it can begin as one thing and then one or both friends develop feelings that move beyond the boundaries of friendship. And that sounds like what’s happened here.
Your feelings for your friend are not merely platonic. But, to complicate things more, we often confuse lust with love. And lust coupled with friendship can feel an awful lot like love. But before attempting to dissect this, there is another issue—your friend is engaged.
Your friend’s instinct about your phone calls is telling.
He feels like he’s cheating on his fianceée because, emotionally, he is. (A side note—the thought of staying on the phone with someone for that long, being able to fall asleep, blows my mind! But, I digress. I am not really a phone person.)
His actions and words do seem muddy. He is sure to mention to you that his affections for you are platonic, but clearly is conflicted about his actions. So where does this leave you?
Trying to pretend this is just a friendship is not going to serve you well.
I have seen this so many times. It’s pretty to me that you have feelings for him, ones that are not just platonic and trying to bend those feelings into the friendship box won’t work.
As much as you may not want to hear this, I think the best thing to do, to take care of yourself, is to back away from this friendship, at least for awhile. This situation is not going to resolve itself by keeping things the way they are. This doesn’t mean you can’t be friends with him, but you’re going to need some time and space to unravel yourself from those feelings.
Pursuing something romantic with someone who is engaged to someone else is not going to end well for anyone. No one is going to unravel his feelings for him. That’s on him. The only thing you have control over is what you do. And what’s best for you is to not hang your hat on this messy hook.
What you can do is let him know you need space and why.
I think that being honest about your feelings which—let’s be real—he is probably already aware of, is going to be very freeing for you. That may be scary, you may fear losing him, but you don’t have him as it is, not in the way you want him. I promise that it is possible to feel what you feel for him with someone else. Give yourself the opportunity to have that with someone who is available.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Aquamarine, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.
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*Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez