She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

I have recently (eight months ago) gotten back into a relationship with my ex who, when we were together before, was extremely controlling and abusive. 

He had a hard time hearing the truth, so I “hid” a big part of my past from him since he didn't react well when I did tell him the truth. This broke us, and his lack of trust only got worse. 

We reconciled, and he promised not to be controlling if I told him the truth. I agreed.

For a couple of months, he complained about me not telling him about male friends messaging me. He happened to see the messages, and he claims they are part of my hidden past, and I shouldn't be talking to those “predators.” And now that quarantine is slowly loosening up, he tells me he doesn't feel comfortable if I meet male friends on my own.

Although he isn't going through my phone or emails anymore, I feel that this “change” has only to do with the way he manipulates and tries to control me.

I kind of still omit telling him things because I know it will upset him, as he has shown signs earlier, too, saying things like, "I hope you are not lying again." and "I assume you are not talking to boys or doing anything stupid.” So I still automatically do not tell him who messages me, even though I know I really shouldn't have to lie or feel the need to tell him.

What do you think?

A. 

From what you have told me, there is unhealthy behavior happening on both sides of this relationship. Regularly hiding or omitting information from your partner is only going to exacerbate the problem. He thinks you are hiding something; you’re afraid of his reaction, so you do hide things. 

You’re both contributing to the toxic dynamics here. 

This is not to blame you. His behavior concerns me, and I think you are right to question how much of a change he’s made. You may have begun this behavior because you’re afraid of his reaction, but what you’re doing is not going to make his behavior improve. If anything, it’s going to heighten what’s happening— you’re proving him right, that you are hiding things. 

Whenever anyone claims to have changed, two things give me confidence in that—that they tell you what they have done, what actions they have taken to change their behavior. I have changed. I am not the person I used to be in relationships, even the person I was at the beginning of my relationship. But I can tell you specific actions I took, work I did, to change that behavior. Secondly, change is shown through actions, not words, and it doesn’t sound like you’ve observed real change here. 

I don’t think that your relationship is set up for success. It’s not sustainable to keep up this game of hiding things and feeling as if you have to alter your past or who you are today. 

Imagine being in a relationship with someone you trusted enough to be honest with, someone you didn’t feel you had to hide things from. 

You’re not doing either of you any favors by pretending that this is working. It’s not. You know this; it’s why you wrote to me. My bottom line advice? End this relationship, and don’t commit yourself to anyone in the future who doesn’t accept who you are. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Charoite, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

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