She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Hi Erin,

I’m in love with a married man.

I got connected to someone I was with 20 years ago. We were both young and dumb, and we were sexually involved twice in our 20s. We just got reconnected after all these years, which I believe is truly fate. 

One thing though, he is in an unhappy, miserable marriage.

He has been unhappy for three years. They have been married for six years and together for 15. I have such an emotional connection; we both do. We are so much alike. We just want to be loved. 

I am single, and I never would mess with a married man ever. But this is a different feeling. 

He says he is in the process of leaving. He says he just has to get the ball rolling. He says he wants to do it right, and he wants a future with me for sure and knows what he wants for sure. I have not been sexual yet with him. 

I want to be with him so bad, but I know I will feel guilty. 

No matter how we feel, he is still married. 

What should I do?

A.

When you have feelings for someone—especially someone “you can’t have”—what you know can get trampled by what you feel. There’s inherently wrong with following feelings. But you know it’s not that simple. 

Your intuition is at odds with your feelings—that’s why you feel conflicted.

You summed it up toward the end of your email when you said, “No matter what we feel, he is still married.”

Now, sure, there are all sorts of marriages, and not all of them expect monogamy. I’m going to assume his marriage is predicated on monogamy (or there would be no conflict of interest here). 

He has told you that he “just needs to get the ball rolling.” Do you know how you get the ball rolling? You get honest with your partner. For him, that’s his wife. I’m not sure if there are other factors, such as children, but the only way through it, is through it. If he genuinely wants to “do it right” and set up a future with you, he needs to follow through. What do his actions tell you? 

His words are irrelevant if they are not followed by deliberate action.

I get that divorce can be or feel complicated. I have been there. But it’s often complicated because someone is afraid to be honest. At least, that’s what I’ve witnessed. 

This is not about judging you for your feelings, or him for his feelings. Again, from experience, relationships that start with a sketchy foundation are less likely to succeed. 

My advice is not to move forward until he separates from her.

Until she knows that the marriage is over, it’s an emotionally dangerous situation for all of you. It’s going to make everything a lot less messy. 

As I mentioned, your intuition knows this. It’s where the hesitation is rooted. You aren’t going to lose the relationship by exercising a little patience, but you might lose it by forging ahead without seeing him follow through on his words. 

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, Calcite, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

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